Imps Playground - Living in Our Imp.Perfect world

For Father's Day, Wife.Imp made me a cake

2009-06-30T22:55:00.003-05:00

She spent over 3 hours (sometimes fending off the imps sometimes allowing them to help - girl.imp stabbed the cake just to make sure it was not going anywhere) decorating the cake. She then took a short break as I gathered the materials and set them up for all to enjoy.

Then I proceeded to satisfy the imps' craving (therefore quieting the racket). I only wish I started with the pictures...

Boy Imp Speaks

2009-06-28T10:45:00.002-05:00

Ok, wife.imp was in the bathroom this a.m. and boy.imp comes rushing in

b.imp: Mom, I need a q-tip

w.imp: What for?

b.imp: girl.imp needs one to clean out her belly-button

w.imp: what? you don't go...you don't have...you tell your sister that she needs to be the one that...

b.imp: well, I already have one now so it's too late. Maybe next time!

(insert evil laugh here)

Pictures from Wild Camp 2009 - closing skit and awards

2009-06-19T09:01:00.005-05:00

Can anyone guess who was voted 'Camp Clown'?

anyone?

More Meme about Me!

2009-06-13T13:53:00.002-05:00

Dennis answered 'Have You...' questions in Get To Know Me.

Dated outside your race?: yes
Given a hickey?: yes
Dated your good friend/best friend?: yes
Sung in the shower?: sporadically
Spit in someone's drink?: yes
Dumped someone?: yes
Opened your Christmas presents early?: no
Peed outside?: yes
Seen "The Goonies" more than 10 times?: why?
Had more than five REAL bf/gf?: emotionally or physically?
Played a computer game for more than 5 hours?: yes
Ran through the sprinklers naked?: yes, they are called showers
Ate food that fell on the floor?: hello! boy!
Went outside naked?: same answer
Made out with your best friends bf/gf?: when I was single
Mooned somebody?: no
Been on stage?: yes
Made someone cry?: yes
Been in a parade?: yes
Been in a school play?: no
Drank beer?: yes
Gotten detention?: yes
Been on a plane?: yes
Been on a cruise?: no
Broken into a house?: mine
Gotten a tattoo?: no
Gotten piercings?: only accidentally
Cried so hard you threw up?: is this possible?
Gotten into a shouting match?: as an adult?
Been skinny dipping?: as an adult?
Spun yourself in circles to get dizzy on purpose?: yes
Laughed so hard it hurt?: yes
Tripped on your own feet?: yes
Cried yourself to sleep?: pre or post teen?
Cried in public?: yes
Thrown up in public?: yes-on a corvette at a corvette show - before the judging (boy was that guy happy)
Lied to your parents?: yes
Skipped class?: yes
Slept in class?: yes
What are you listening to right now: Torchwood
What makes you happy: Life
What did you do yesterday: lived
Got any awards: many
What car do you wish to have: 68-73 amx or amc javelin
Do you want to get married: not again (that would mean this one failed)
If you could change anything about yourself, what would you chan: more superpowers
Good driver: Richard Petty
Good dancer: Fred Estaire
Good Singer: Joan Jett
Have a lava lamp: no
How many remote controls are in your house: two (one boy and one girl)
Are you double jointed: no
What do you dream about: cannot remember my dreams
Last time you showered: today
The last movie you saw at the theatres: this month
Scary or happy movies: neither option is enticing (as hollywood has forgotten how to do either well)
Root beer or Dr. Pepper: both
Mud or Jell-O wrestling: neither
Vanilla or chocolate: in what context?
Skiing or Boarding: both
Summer or winter: both
Silver or Gold: lots of either
Diamond or pearl: same answer
Sunset or Sunrise: either
Sprite or 7up: neither
Orange juice or apple juice: either
Cats or dogs: either
Coffee or tea: either
Phone or in person: to do what?
Oldest, middle, youngest or only child: as long as she is over 18 (well that is just creepy, now it would have to be over 28)
Indoor or Outdoor: depends on what I am doing
Do you like filling these out: only when I'm bored
Do you wear contacts or glasses?: yes
Do you like yourself: yes
Do you get along with your family: yes
Have piercings below the waist: do nails through the leg count?
Stolen anything over $30: no
Obsessive: yes, but not when I am being compulsive
Compulsive: yes, but not when I am being obsessive
Anorexic: no
Bulimic: no
Suicidal: no
Eat a live hamster for $1,000,000: yuck
Go to a Manson concert if you had a free ticket: yuck
If you were stuck on an island, what people would you want with : anyone who could help get me off of said island
If you loved someone and you were keeping something from them an: a complete, coherent sentence maybe?
Do you admire anyone?: yes
Who is the last person that called you: called me what?
Who was the last person you slow danced with: wife.imp
What makes you laugh the most: life
What makes you smile: life
Chicken pox: scary
Sore Throat: could be scary
Broken nose: very scary
Tonsels removed: only once
Ice cream in the morning: not now
To give the heimlich: no
Your good luck charm: she knows who she is
Best song you ever heard: Pressure
Stupidest thing you have ever done: try to date a girl dating someone in a gang
What's your room like: which room?
Last thing you said: I waggled my e yebrows in the yes context, which is universally known and recognized by anyone who speaks Tagalog
What is beside you: coffee
What shampoo do you use: whatever is open
Something that has happened to you this year: I let someone walk all over me
Worst thing that has happened to you this year: the 2nd Annual Anal Probe
Given anyone a bath: in what context?
Smoked: never
Bungee Jumped: never
Made yourself throw-up: yes
Gone skinny dipping: never
Put your tongue on a frozen pole: yes
Broken a bone: yes
Played truth or dare: yes
Been in a physical fight: yes
Been in a police car: yes
Come close to dying: yes
Been in a sauna: yes
Been in a hot tub: yes
Ran away: yes
Broken someone's heart: yes
Cried when someone died: yes
Flashed someone: no
Cried in school: yes
Fell off your chair: yes
Sat by the phone all night waiting for a call: no
Saved MSN conversations: no
Saved e-mails: no
Made out with just a friend: yes
Used someone: yes, see above
Been cheated on?: yes
Done something you regret?: see 2 answers above
Favorite kind of pants: Clean
Favorite Number: one that wins the lottery
Boys Name: Tecumsah
Girls Name: Betty Boop
Animal: Lynx
Drink: Water
Sport: Baseball
Fast-Food Place: Let me know and I'll take the family...
Month: All
Band: the Who
Movie: The WInd
Breakfast: daily
Perfume: any not tested on animals
Cologne: any not tested on animals
Favourite cartoon character: no favorites
Who are your best friends: The voices, always the voices
Do you have a bf or gf?: :)
Best place to go for a date: anyplace where she is
Longest relationship: current
Shortest relationship: lasted one tank of gas
Outgoing or introverted?: depends on what is needed
Full Name: If you're reading this you know my name
Single or Taken: Taken
Sex: We do not speak of such things in public, or mixed company, or near the kids...oops, I guess that let the cat out of the bag!
Birthday: Once Per Year
Sign: One Way
Siblings: More than some less than most
Eye colour: Same
Shoe size: Same as in high school
Height: Medium
Country born: USA
Innie or Outie: When I was skinny an outie but as I have increased in mass an innie
What are you wearing right now: I am wearing everything right, right now
Where do you live: Here, unless I am there
Righty or lefty: I try to be independent
Any pets: Just the ants

Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap

2009-05-29T06:56:00.003-05:00

It is now over. The long-haired hard rocker look I had been going for is now a sad, lonely memory. I am now 'proudly' showing off my well-defined widows' peak with the, slightly longer than, military brush-top look.

The only thing going for this new hair style is that is it still cheaper than $15

Home Intervention

2009-05-27T13:00:00.001-05:00

Well, the family had an intervention with me today

I will post more later, after I pull myself together.

Girl.Imp has found the editing function on the cell phone's camera

2009-05-13T08:25:00.002-05:00

Woohoo! I get to give less blood!

2009-05-12T09:17:00.003-05:00

Just got a call from the Dr. and was told that I was verging on too little iron in my blood as opposed to too much!! So, fewer visits for my leechings!

Questions from Wife.Imp to the little imps...

2009-04-27T20:51:00.002-05:00

1. What is something mom always says to you
b.imp: “B.Imp..!”
g.imp: "Go to sleep!"
2. What makes mom happy?
b.imp: When I listen.
g.imp: Chocolate
3. What makes mom sad?
b.imp: if I move to another place.\
g.imp: Her child asking her to help her with her homework at 10:30pm
4. How does your mom make you laugh?
b.imp: “Gigil”-ing me
g.imp: Mom’s dancing
5. What was your mom like as a child?
b.imp: fat
g.impThin and pretty
6. How old is your mom?
b.imp: 41
g.imp: 41
7. How tall is your mom?
b.imp: 12 feet
g.imp: 4.5 feet
8. What is her favorite thing to do?
b.imp: play with me
g.imp: sleep and eat chocolate
9. What does your mom do when you're not around?
b.imp: go to work
g.imp: go to work
10. If your mom becomes famous, what will it be for?
b.imp: money
g.imp: talk show host
11. What is your mom really good at?
b.imp: being a mom
g.imp: speaking tagalog, and arts and crafts
12. What is your mom not very good at?
b.imp: loving the cat
g.imp: drawing cartoons
13. What does your mom do for her job?
b.imp: get money
g.imp: transfers money
14. What is your mom's favorite food?
b.imp: sinigang
g.imp: rice and chocolate
15. What makes you proud of your mom?
b.imp: loving me
g.imp: 2 cultures and awesome cousins
16. If your mom were a cartoon character, who would she be?
b.imp: batman, the brave and the bold
g.imp: Mrs. Test in Johnny test
17. What do you and your mom do together?
b.imp: talk
g.imp: watch movies
18. How are you and your mom the same?
b.imp: she talks American to me
g.imp: our hair
19. How are you and your mom different?
b.imp: she was born in the Philippines
g.imp: taste in clothing
20. What is your mom's favorite place to go to?
b.imp: the Philippines
g.imp: the philippines

Easter Egg Decorating

2009-04-11T22:40:00.004-05:00

This Year's Birthday Cake for Wife.Imp (and I wish it wasn't true)

2009-04-09T18:00:00.001-05:00

Perhaps I could have planned a little further in advance and maybe, just maybe, put a little more effort into the actual decorating...

Short and Sticky

2009-04-08T16:35:00.002-05:00

went outside this morning and came to the conclusion that pigeons who are flying back to NYC from Mexico (where they drank copious amounts of water) flew directly over my car, possibly more than once...

I once told wife.imp that I would not care to take a pilgrimage across the deserts of the Holy Land...zero interest really. However, after much discussion we have decided that a brief vacation in the Middle East, including sites in Egypt, is very doable...

Last year I made wife.imp's birthday cake and decorated and took pictures of it, and cut it up for the family, all before she really saw it. This year I made wife.imps cake and did not check the items I was going to use for decorations and found that they were better off not used (however it was waaaay to late to shift gears) and this year she got to see it! (however, girl.imp's photos of w.imp and her cake did not come out).

Yeah me!!

Welcome to all of our Foreign-based searches

2009-04-06T13:05:00.003-05:00

I have not done this in a while, but I have noticed that very few google searches ending up here at the Playground originate within the bounds of the US of A.

Having said that I did find these search terms brought some foreign visitors over:

something in the bathroom that begins with the letter g : hmmm, just guessing but how about: Gel, Goobers, 'Gross! How did that get in the toilet?' (variants include: G--da---T! Who left the lid up?, Geezus! Somebody get me the plunger!')

wet dream pee : ummm, if your wet dreams include pee--- GROSS!
perfect world easter : Yes, that would be a perfect time to realize a perfect world.
imp’s drive info sidebar : I'm not tellin'!
dress code for high school reunion : I don't know about your high school but Denim and Checkered Shirts with the 'ole shitkickers seemed in vogue at my school's last reunion...(well, the reunion before last because we had to cancel the last one because people thought $4o bucks a person was too steep)
mom & little oyb : would that be mom and little boy? I personally hope it was Oh Yes Baby! (I get that alot around here)
do me daddy : Please seek help soon...

I puh-laaaayed outside all daaaay today...

2009-04-02T15:48:00.002-05:00

except for when I was inside in class this morning and this afternoon!

So said girl.imp.

It is 70sh here and I suggested she play outside this afternoon. Instead, she is watching the educational death ray because the 20 minutes of outside play during lunch was juuuust enough to almost make her break out into a fine sweat. And that much moisture loss cannot be tolerated!

Bad daddy!

Soccer is here!

2009-03-21T10:41:00.002-05:00

I know...I Know...we tried this with girl.imp and had her leading the entire class singing Christmas Carols and picking dandilions by the last class.

BUT we are talking about boy.imp here. Granted he is 1/2 of his mother, but he never sits still, walks when he can run or just stops vibrating. He'll have to like running and kicking a ball, right?

Right! He had a blast! running in circles, kicking the ball, running on and off the field for his water...just what we had hoped for.

Then came that last trip to the sideline

b.imp: I want to go home

wife.imp: why?

b.imp: i'm hungry...dad, can we go to Mc Donald's for lunch?

me: but we still have practice! you need to get back on the field!

b.imp: But I'm huuuuuungry! I want lunch!

me: It's 10:30! Don't make me delete all the pictures I have been taking...

'effen' G

2009-02-25T15:41:00.003-05:00

Girl.imp is home doing her homework today.

and by doing her homework, I of course, mean she is circling the house and carrying on a rambling conversation as she works off the sugar high from her afternoon snacks.

Her homework consists of writing sentences that begin with the letter 'F' and the letter 'G'. Oh, and she has to write in cursive.

Her comment upon starting the assignment was:

"I hate effen G!"

or more correctly stated,

'I hate 'F' and 'G''

I like my version better. It is more fun to repeat.

I can use the bathroom sink again!!

2009-02-18T14:23:00.002-05:00

You might remember that I posted about one of girl.imp's recent science experiments. The one where she scooped poo out of the toilet (using t.p.) and set it in the bathroom sink so she could break it open to see what was inside??

I might have also mentioned that since discovering the experiment (she saw what she needed then left the mess in the sink...and I found it) I have not been able to use that sink for anything. If I had to use said facilities I would use the sink in the other bathroom or the kitchen to wash my hands. I simply could not even muster the courage to turn the water on...

However, since getting the stomach flu a few weeks ago and finding that this particular bathroom was the easiest to run to, I have been able to use the sink again!!!

yeah me....

Another List

2009-02-16T23:55:00.001-05:00

1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
Nope

2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?
It must have been the Fall of '87. We just lost the last football game of the year to make our total 1 and 11. No, I really was not enamored with my teammates so I guess the last time I really cried (not for my parents benefit when trying to avoid chores) was in 2nd grade when nobody would partner with me for an in-class project.

3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
When I don't have to read it, yes.

4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?
Hot

5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS?
Yes.

6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
Who wouldn't? I mean I am nearly the center of the universe...and humble.

Did I mention the humbleness in my nature?

7. DO YOU USE SARCASM?
Me??

8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS?
No. But I still have all my fingers and toes and if you were around when I was growing up...

9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP?
Not sober...and I do not drink.

10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL?
Granola

11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF?
what, and give them a chance to escape?

12. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM?
Sweet corn or Cheese

13. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE
Pretty people?

14. RED OR PINK?
define the situation where this choice is important?
* Cooked Beef
* Bleeding from horrible wounds

If given these choices, then Pink.

15. WHAT IS YOUR LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF?
I cannot speak at least 7 different languages fluently

16. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST?
The candy man...no! The popsicle truck driving guy...no, that girl that introduced me to the Lewinski, before it was a Lewinski...

17. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO COMPLETE THIS LIST?
Sure why not...if you feel like it.

18. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING?
Pants? Pants? I don't need no stinkin' pants!

19. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?
Cincy Reds replay of a game from 1999

20. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?
The White one...Nobody ever uses the white one so it is the only crayon in the box to not be used when all the others are broken and peeled...

21. FAVORITE SMELLS?
Let's shorten this list and say it is not, bad breath, stinky feet, dirty diapers or body odor

22. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?
A telemarketer called...and probably won't be calling back.

23. WHAT ARE YOU PLANNING TO DO TOMORROW?
First I thought I would get out of bed and brush my teeth, then urinate
Or let's say urinate then brush my teeth
I might then eat breakfast, depending on how many NPR dreams I enjoyed
after that I will probably try to read part of the paper.
I tend to want to look at the weather first because if it is going to be warm, then I can take a light jacket with me when I go out, however if it is going to stay cold, then I will want only my coat...

24. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH
Big Ten Network Executives: This answer is just for you.

NOT WRESTLING!!

25. HAIR COLOR?
I still have the natural color I was born with.

26. EYE COLOR?
Sounds permanent...

27. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS?
I can poke my finger in my eye and barely manage to squeeze out a tear now

28. FAVORITE FOOD?
Today?
This week?
Last Month?

Why do you keep trying to pigeon hole me?? Why? Why I say??

29. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS?
ooooh...I loves me my happy endings...

does that sound a little creepy to you too?

30. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED?
Happy Times!

Funny Chinese movie

31. SUMMER OR WINTER?
When it's summer, then summer
When it's winter, then winter

32. HUGS OR KISSES?
BOTH

33. MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND?
Is anybody out there?

34. LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND?
See above.

35. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW?
I am reading 4 (or if I can find that Pratchett book then 5) books right now

36. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?
the mouse

37. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON TV LAST NIGHT?
WIpeout, something on DIsney, Something on Nick, Something on Disney again...That Chinese movie...

38. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES?
Stones

39. WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME?
Conscious?

40. WHERE WERE YOU BORN?
Third Rock from the Sun

Drying off after a shower

2009-02-15T20:45:00.002-05:00

Just last week boy.imp was suffering from sinus/ear infections. How did I diagnose this? First he was shivering in a warm shower (and the doctor told me that earlier in the day). Second he was shivering whilst I was toweling him off after the shower.

Figuring that he would stay cold, I did the only thing a caring dad would do for his freezing offspring. I whipped out the hair dryer and sooner than he could sneeze he was toasty warm. And I saved one towel from adding to the dirty clothes pile...

Meme Madness

2009-02-11T09:42:00.001-05:00

Rules: Use the first letter of your name to answer each of the following questions. They have to be real. . . nothing made up! You cannot use any word twice and you can't use your name for the boy/girl name question.

Have Fun!!

1. What is your name: Dennis
2. A four Letter Word: Deep
3. A boy's Name: David
4. A girl's Name: Dolly
5. An occupation: Diplomat
6. A color: Damask
7. Something you wear: Denim
8. A food: Dates
9. Something found in the bathroom: Diaper Rash ointment (yes, our imps have been out of diapers for a few years now…we probably need to clean out our medicine cabinet)
10. A place: Denver
11. A reason for being late: ‘damn alarm clock is set on the NPR station and instead of waking up I incorporated the news into my dreams…’
12. Something you shout: Dang me! Dang me! They oughta take a rope and hang me! High from the highest tree….! (ok, just ‘dang it!’)
13. A movie title: Deer Hunter
14. Something you drink: Diet Cola
15. A musical group: Def Leppard
16. An animal: Dolphin
17. A street name: Dearborne Ave.
18. A type of car: Duesenberg
19. A song title: Dock of the Bay
20. A verb: Deliver

Sometimes...Sometimes I just want to beat my head against a wall...

2009-02-10T17:13:00.003-05:00

Girl.imp and her friend are downstairs watching t.v.

g.imp: dad? dad? (rushing upstairs)

g.imp: dad, can you look up on google whether or not touching your breasts can give you cancer?

me: touching your breasts will not give you cancer. (why does this happen when I am home?) Cancer is a mutation in the genes in your body.

friend: yeah, did you know that leukemia is the rarest form of cancer?

me: uhuh (is this the last word on this subject?)

the imps move back downstairs...

friend: I knew that touching your breasts would not give you cancer. I must have touched mine 1,000 times and I didn't get cancer. I get headaches.

me: (????!!!????)

friend: I have a headache right now...

Changes at the Playground

2009-02-09T15:00:00.002-05:00

Well, my Inay (wife.imp's mom--Inay is tagalog for mother/mom/female parental unit) has been staying with us and an ongoing struggle has been waged, very politely, but waged.

First let me say that this is a variant on the struggle I had with with my SIL (and with wife.imp) when she stayed with us. At some point last year I decided, 'No more 'effen yardsales!' So, if an object annoyed me and had no immediate/future use that could be easily ascertained and I did not make it to the goodwill, off to the corner of the drive it went on trash day.

Well my wife's side of the family comes from a country where things are recycled until not even spit and glue can keep things together. SO, either w.imp would chastise me about irresponsible disposal habits or the SIL would (sometimes quite literally) follow me to the trash deposited by the curb and drag things back to the garage. She CLAIMED that she would have them shipped home if we no longer wanted/used them.

Ok. I let things stand with the stuff, until SIL left and left me a garage full of crap that I tried to throw away. I can now repeat those words so famously uttered by our previous president, "Mission Accomplished!"

This brings us to the leftover battle I am waging with Inay. I will let things sit for 1 week (maybe for 1 week plus days) in the fridge before I start eyeing the trash. IF nobody is eating the food (and that happens) or we do not recycle it as a leftover dinner (this rarely happens) then it must go.

Unless Inay eats it first. There have been times when I have told her that it has been a good effort but things really should go. So it has become a race. Will the oatmeal leftover from last Tuesday get eaten before trash day, or will I be cleaning leftovers out of the fridge on Wednesday night?

So far it is a clear draw...

I Have Been Tagged

2009-02-05T12:51:00.002-05:00

Thank you Diana!

1. My favorite bumper stickers: As a matter of fact office, I do own the road! //
Kissing a smoker is like licking an ashtray

2. My baby photo makes the dog walking backwards with its butt shaved a Brad
Pitt look-a-like

3. I am often at odd with myself: Store this junk just in case it can be useful or
throw this crap away because it take up too much space

4. As a younger lad, deadlines tended to amuse me

5. They still do.

6. Our family had its own time zone. There was the Eastern Time zone, Slow
time (re: how women view the actual time when they are supposed to leave the
house for a party) and our family's time (re: how long the scout troop/baseball
team/football team would actually delay departing on a road trip before I would
finally show up)

7. I will judge your character within 1 minute of actually meeting you. (I have a
brother who will make his decision based on the first words out of your mouth)

8. I have never been wrong

9. I tend to finish your part of the conversation in my mind before you actually
do finish speaking

10. This makes laughing at your jokes hard

11. I have been wrong

12. I do realize that I am not the center of the universe

13. No, really. I am serious.

14. I believe that all things are possible to achieve

15. Until you don't achieve them. Then they are impossible, impractical, and just plain not cool

16. I have often tried to discern the moment when political correctness took the place of common sense

17. I believe that with today's pc culture the phrase 'Suck it up' can cause more trouble than it helps

18. Suck it up!

19. Tattoos as a means to show how tough one is is so low class. Any damn fool can draw a picture

20. But the covering of ones body with the scars of life (like that tree branch that broke my fall--momentarily- when I was 5sh, or that scar on my arm from when I was wrestling my brother and he pulled my arm through the metal workings on the underside of the couch or the time I dropped that knife through the back of my hand)...

21. Everyone please meet any damn fool...

22. Redheads are the best (especially when it comes with green eyes and a slight Irish lilt)

23. Bottled red is worse than bottled blonde

24. Pundits (both liberal and conservative--moderates have too much self-respect) should be caged on and island somewhere. Guantanamo..?

25. I often wonder if Hollywood can/will actually release more than 2-3 films a year that are not remakes of an older movie

New Year Redux

2009-02-02T13:02:00.003-05:00

Last February there was one weekend when everyone was sick and piled one on top of another on the couch...

That weekend arrived this year this past weekend...

Snow, Ice, Snow, Vomit, Snow...

2009-01-29T15:48:00.002-05:00

With the latest winter storm (we 'suffered' through 4+" of snow and about 1/4" ice) the schools finally closed, allowing dad.imp (me) to sleep in. One would have thought everybody would be able to sleep in.

However, girl.imp found out almost all the Justice League videos can be accessed by computer and she gets up extra early to get a solid 2 hours in before anybody else is awake.

Boy.imp caught the boomarang sinus infection and is suffering that again, as well as vomiting multiple times during the night. We probably would have missed this except for 2 things:

1) He was sleeping with his grandmother and she woke up the second time he threw up.

2) She woke up the 2nd time because his movements while cleaning up the mess (he confessed to having cleaned up from his earlier bout of vomiting) woke her up.

Upon learning my boy was sick, but willing to clean up after himself, I grunted my acknowledgement of the news and went back to sleep. After all, I really was not needed was I?

I got it! I got it! I got it!

2009-01-27T15:02:00.003-05:00

So it had been relatively quiet all day. Then girl.imp arrives home from school, rushes upstairs (front door left wide open) and announces to the world in general that she needs to use the facilities (door left wide open so that we can visually verify she did indeed lower the seat??)

So she decides that it is time to play with our epileptic cat (one seizure since adopting the wee beastie just before Christmas). However no toy is immediately apparent so I offer the following advise.

"Why don't you get a penny and slide it across the floor?"

Our cat loves playing with coins, rings...anything that slides on our floors. Just this morning I found her chasing one of my rings under the dining room table and chairs. The ring (according to my memory) had been resting on the bathroom sink...

So g.imp gets a dime and launches it across the room. The cat launches herself across the room in pursuit and crashes into the hall closet's sliding doors, rebounds down the hall and ends up somewhere in the bowls of our bathroom. G.imp then follows the cat in and cannot find the dime. In the meantime the cat races past my feet and hides under the curtains.

me: have you checked her mouth for the dime?

g.imp: her mouth?

me: yep. you might want to hurry before she swallows it...

g.imp: ahhhhhhhhhh! (racing toward the cat)

I love playing with the imps!!

At Least They Are Eating

2009-01-26T21:13:00.002-05:00

For dinner the imps decided to add their own flair.

Tonight was taco night. Usually they love the tacos. Usually I have very little leftovers. Usually I use hard shell tacos.

Tonight we went with the soft shells and cornbread.

Tonight I had almost all the taco meat and sundry sides left over. However the imps at several cheesy cornbread tacos.

Thats right. Tacos filled entirely with cheese and cornbread.

Cheese and cornbread only.

several.

my tummy still hurts with the site of this meal...

I Want the Eyeball!!

2009-01-25T22:06:00.002-05:00

So we are eating fish for dinner tonight and girl.imp is vehemently opposed (it was not salmon) and boy.imp was not interested in anything but the eyeball.

After listening to him whine, cry, demand, wheedle, nag about not having the eyeball I took a knife and pried it out of the fish head and plopped it onto his plate.

At that point he happily squished the goo between his fingers and ate dinner (girl.imp decided that the fish was not as bad as she hoped and managed to finish hers so she could eat grapes for dessert).

Turns out I gave b.imp the eyeball goo and not the actual eyeball. However, his Inay pried it out of the fish after dinner and gave it to him as an after dinner toy.

Anyway, if y'all wanna' come on over for dinner, I'm sure we can find an eyeball or two to spare for you....

Tainted Love At the Playground

2009-01-21T19:37:00.004-05:00

Wife.Imp: (calling home from her car after work)...

Girl.Imp: 'Sup...Nothin'...Yeah (This song-see below-is playing on the radio in the background)...I'm just shaking my hips for dad...

Me: (diving for the phone) Dancing! She's just dancing to the radio!

New Year-New Snow-Same 'Ole Imps

2009-01-19T16:08:00.002-05:00

I could have, I really really really could have taken my 'puter to the local coffee bin and spent an afternoon relaxing with my favorite caffiene/calorie overdose. But no, I decided that I could go home. Work on the dining room table until it was time to start dinner (which I am getting burned out with cooking on a nightly basis -Yea me! Only 60-80 more years of that left).

Yessir, I was feeling pretty good about life. The little shopping that needed to be done was complete and I was ready to get inside, hook up the music and...and there they were. An extra pair of kids-sized shoes in the entranceway.

Current plans are now past plans and future plans of 'Me Time' look bleak. Especially when they insist on playing hide and seek in two rooms (Because our house is too small to let them run wild--and they are not going to be playing in the furnace room or my bedrooms!).

So here I sit, amid the slamming of doors (I have to let them play somewhere...right?) and ear-numbing rock (sanity!!)

Only 30 more minutes and I can start kicking people out....

Oodles of Badoodles...

2008-09-03T19:44:00.003-05:00

Our SIL has been staying with us for a while and gave boy.imp a shower recently. After which they came downstairs and regaled me with how his badoodle poked out of the side of his briefs after he did a brief hip-shaking dance.

This then turned into:
sil: dennis, when you have to pee how do you (gesture of moving clothing)...do you move your underwear to the side? (It took me a little bit but the gesture was that of pulling the seam from the leg up and over, thus freeing, the applicable parts)
me: No you just poke it through the hole in the front or hook your thumb over the waistband and pull down
sil: but with briefs don't you?
me: I don't wear briefs anymore...wait a minute. you've been married for what...20 years or so. Haven't you ever seen...
sil: NO! I could never...
me: well after 14 years I can go in and pee infront of wife.imp if I need to. You have to remember, guys are lazy. We want to find and use the easy way...

I'll hit you in your nuggets!

2008-08-21T15:15:00.003-05:00

Yep, I made that threat to girl.imp because she was 'massaging' (re: hitting--albeit lightly) her brother's back and I told her to stop.

g.imp: What nuggets?
me: Your...you don't have nuggets.
g.imp: you mean that tube-thingy that you and b.imp pee out of??
me: wha??
g.imp: I'm going to hit you in your badoodle!
me: my what?
g.imp: Your badoodle...That means your armpit!

(of course armpit was a last second replacement...)

From around 'the Playground'

2008-08-08T13:42:00.003-05:00

girl.imp has advised that we should be Obama supporters come November's election. In exploring this newfound interest in politics on g.imp's part we determined that her support of Mr. Obama stemmed from two sources:
1) He would be the first brown president in the United States
2) His commercials about 'that other guy' McCain are funny

and it is really hard to argue with girl.imp's logic!

I met a couple from Ottawa yesterday on my way home from work. They were traveling to Nashville to visit with their son and wanted to avoid Columbus, Ohio during rush hour. And, no offense intdended Mayor Coleman, I agreed with them. So I told them about the largest Amish Community in North America (which was approx 1 hour away) in Holmes and Wayne Counties and then I noted that they were only 2 hours away from Hocking Hills and Old Man's Cave.

After pointing out numerous routes designed to take them well off of the beaten path, I started back to my car. About the time I reached the 'office on wheels' I realized that their maps were practically useless for avoiding getting lost whilst enjoying life off of the beaten path.

Oh, sure. We all know that it is impossible to stay lost on an Ohio backroad as they all lead to a larger Township Road which connects to a County Road which will, eventually, route one to a State Route or a US Highway.

But did this couple know this? their maps were blatantly devoid of all the back-country roads and how to route back to their eventual destination. I, on the other hand, know most of the routes and how to get around (I had a map that lists all of Ohio's backroads and main routes and I did not need it). So I trotted back to the couple's car and essentially told them to have fun and to use my map. I then hurried away so that they would have had to chase me down in order to give the map back.

and as out-of-shape and fat as I am, I was betting I could still hustle just fast enough to keep them from coming after me...

So Post Vacation...

2008-07-27T21:56:00.003-05:00

We arrived home to find our refrigerator (we think it was original with the house) had passed beyond acceptable into the realm of week-old, sweaty, gym socks that have baked in the sun for a month.

Niiiiice. I'll stop here while you sip your coffee and think back on the old high school gym lockers at their worst, which is still better than this.

So, day two of the return home included purchasing a major appliance for our home. Then, in the spirit of continued spending, because the house needs a face-lift (interior and exterior) we purchased a small tree and flowers plant in the hole left by a Maple tree that had succumbed to Carpenter Ants about 4 years ago.

In the meanwhile, the imps are transitioning very slowly from the 'Vacation Indulgence' back to, 'eat more healthy food because it is good for you' lifestyle.

Vacation in Canada

2008-07-22T20:32:00.003-05:00

Yes, we went to Canada for our family vacation this decade. Montreal to be exact and let me just say one thing. The subway (metro) system here ROCKS!!

Can you ask for a more simple, easy-to-use, any dummie can use it, system? If you can, I would sure like to find out how!!

Ok on the down side: Hotel Rooms and Fancy Restaurants. We would like to think we can take our imps out to eat (sans fast food atmospheres). We would like to think that we could enjoy an evening before bed in a hotel room.

We forgot to think, what would an 8-year-old and a 4-year-old think?

We found out.

It was not pretty.

Wife.imp told me that my constant hissing was more annoying than the imps. I told wife.imp that my constant hissing was because I was condensing my ''You kids better sit your ---es down in those f... seats and button those --mn lips before I button them up for you and nail your ---es to the chairs"rant into the only viable voluable option available to me.

After giving me the 'Stink Eye' wife.imp turned around and started hissing at the imps...

I chose not tell her how irritating that sound was.

day 1 recap:
-visited biodome. Took tearful and pleading imps from gift shop, sans gifts.
-visited insectorium. Purchased toys for imps and two pocket umbrellas (both imps comandeered the umbrellas claiming they would look after/carry them). left on bus for metro.
- discovered umbrellas left behind at bus stop.
- returned to bus stop. wife.imp and imps saw umbrellas with strangers but I got off bus and looked at bench, chatted with park attendant and missed umbrellas. (purchased 2 more at a metro shop later same trip-wife.imp and both imps currently blaming loss of umbrellas on me.)
- girl.imp breaks harmonica. It still plays (people in next room will attest to this)
- boy.imp tears sticky feat off of bug toy. (now just a plastic bug toy that no long clings to walls, etc... Will probably leave it in room next to empty tin of condoms we found under the bed)
- decide not to walk barefoot in room while on this visit.

Trouble Brewing at 'The Playground'

2008-07-05T20:39:00.003-05:00

It seems that girl.imp was laughing and encouraging a neighborhood boy to try and get a dog to pee on the girl (g.imp's most frequent playmate in this neighborhood) who lives across the street from us.

Then she almost rides her down whilst we are out on our Trikkes.

Dennis has not been very happy with the imp this weekend. The problem with punishment is that g.imp is not a computer fan, not a t.v. fan, not a play and get sweaty fan. She does, however, read. So now she must read 5 books (approved by wife.imp) and give verbal reports (approved by me!). I am also starting to place limitations on girl.imp until I can trust her judgement again.

I only wish I had a garden (when I was growing up we had one 50 yard wide by 25 yrds deep) for g.imp to weed.

****
We ate at a restaurant the other night and boy.imp needed to visit the Water Closet. As soon as we are in the door he makes a beeline for the sit-down toilet. So I go through the process of cleaning off and papering the seat (yes, since the discovery of gravity, there are grown men out there that are not much concerned with aim) and paper the seat for the young imp...Who then informs me he only has to pee.

Great, I go and wash my hands and wait. He then finishes and washes his hands then informs me he has to go potty again. This time he wants to sit down..!!

May I Speak To the Man of the House?

2008-06-30T14:25:00.002-05:00

Unknown Telemarketer: May I speak to the person who makes the .... decisions for the household?

me: That's me until wife.imp gets home.

ummm, This is Mr. Bush? Mr. ... Bush?

me: Yup! That's me!

ummm, Mr. Bush, is Mrs. Bush home?

me: nope. If she was, she would be answering the phone to take this call. But she's not, so I am free to answer the call and make any decisions that seem necessary at the moment.

uhmmm, ok. Mr. Bush, I am blah blah blah (insert name and sales pitch and sales item here) and if you take advantage now, we can install it in up to 4 rooms for free!

me: Suhweet!! That sounds great (in this case they were wanting to sell me a digital satellite subscription)!! My brother and my father have those tv's that have the super large screens and are super thin. The picture quality is fantastic! All digital!

so, your brother and your father have ___ digital satellite service?

me: no, no, no. They have those flat screen tv's with liquid digitalized thingimabobsy tech. The pictures are incredible and the screens are like 60"!

and they do have digital satellite service?

me: no! they have cable. I think they have cable. One of them might have satellite. We had satellite growing up but dad took down the dish and installed an antenna, so I think he would have to have cable and the antenna as a backup...Boy, digital satellite and in 4 rooms!

yes sir, that is correct and --

me: and we get free hookup with four digi-liquid-techy tvs with it? Cool! I cannot wait to tell the wife what a deal we got! I cannot wait to get rid of this old tv that runs on cable...

um sir..that hookup is for 4 rooms only

me: I know. 4 tvs. Of course we would want them in separate rooms. I mean that would be pretty silly to have 4 tvs all in one room!

uh...actually sir we would only be providing the hookups for the tvs in the 4 rooms. We would not actually be providing you with 4 new tvs.

me: no tvs?

no sir.

me: if you're not providing me with the tvs, then why would I want to have 4 more rooms wired for them?

uhmmm, well, sir, if you were to buy additional tv's you could then hook them into the outlets in any of the four rooms.

me: yeeees...I see...

uhm, now sir, if I could just verify the information that we have....

me: Uhmmm, you'll have to call back and speak to my wife. She makes all the decisions for this kind of service in our house. Thank you.

Yes, I CAN set the timer on the VCR

2008-06-19T07:52:00.003-05:00

In the past few days, the remote has stopped functioning like the 'well oiled machine' it was when purchased two years ago. This generic, universal remote, now runs all of our video/tv equipment and if it goes loopy, we all go loopy.

In the past 72 hours the volume control stopped functioning except for when programmed on tv mode, the dvd players (we have two-one we purchased the 2nd we were gifted approx. 1 week after our own purchase) and the vcr.

On, Off, Mute--much like our control over the imps, were all non-existent. Fortunately I kept the instructions and codes that, once programmed into the remote, would restore our desired dictatorial control over the non-human denizens of the Family Room.

It should have worked. I had the previous codes written down. I have two complete (front and back) sheets of single-spaced, sized 3 font, lists of codes for everything ever made. Four hours after I got home last night, I was still trying to find the one code that would work on one of the DVD players.

'Why dennis,' you might ask. 'Why do you spend so much time with this one unit when you have already admitted that you own 2 dvd players?'

That is a great question. The only reasonable, and therefore honest, answer is that this particular unit is the one that, most reliably, plays all the DVDs we buy/beg/borrow.

I even searched the internet for the elusive codes and could find none that had not already been tried. In total frustration I finally picked up the Owners Manual for the remote (it was open to how to program the codes into the remote) and Turned.The.Page!~

Interesting what material the manufacturers deem worthy to pass on to us, the Consumers. Fascinating Stuff! Really!!

In the time it took to digest the fact that wife.imp shall never be told of the existance of this amazing treasure trove of information/instructions, I had finally reprogrammed all functions on the remote!!

The Advertisement Said It Could be Built in 21/2 Hours

2008-06-15T22:34:00.003-05:00

What it actually meant was unless you had an experienced crew of eight, then it really would take 21/2 days to construct the 10x8 shed.

Tonight we have everthing but the trim pieces installed and during this experience I have developed an increased appreciation of the pain women talk about when describing childbirth. Now before anybody starts thinking I am as handy with tools as Tim Taylor, let me say that I had lots of help from my wife, my dad and my nephew.

However when it came to finishing installing the shingles along the upper regions of the shed's roof, I was alone with the hammer (ok, wife.imp stood on the ladder passing up tools etc...). After spending over two hours on the peak of the roof with said peak trying, with amazing success, to split me in twain, I have to wonder how I ever thought Snoopy looked comfy whilst he was sleeping on the top of that doghouse.

Anyway, I absolutely have no problems with any woman saying you have not felt real pain until you have pushed an 8-10 pound bowling ball from between your legs. Because after this afternoon's/evening's task during which, I swear this is true, an 800 lb. building tried to force its way into my ass in some birthing horror story gone awry, I am sitting here more than two hours removed from climbing down off of the roof and can still feel the burning touch of the tile's gravelly surface!

Erectile Dysfunction?

2008-06-03T12:03:00.005-05:00

so I was in to see the doc about my bronchitis and thought, 'hey, now is the time to get an informed, non-biased opinion on this matter'

because, after reading all you mommy blogs, I believe that if I would have brought this issue up to the wife the reaction would have been something like...

'What? More? You're not getting enough? Christ Almighty but if you pushed that thing at me even more than you do now, I swear I'll cut it off and feed it to the damn dog! Jeezus! If I had known you were like this before we got married I might have cut it off then!'

So, in the hopes of saving myself a tirade (at worst) or a headache or the EVER popular, 'hurry up and get it over with so I can sleep' sighs, I sought professional medical input.

Not that I'm admitting to any problem mind you. But when one has his butt probed by the man in the white coat, one's perception of his youth begins to waver somewhat. So with all the adds proclaiming how happy 'Bob' is (and be extension, Bob's wife), I wondered would it hurt to ask what the medical community thought of such remedies.

After I explained to the doc that my wife's sex drive was not the issue (yes, she immediately thought since I was asking she wasn't...) anyway, I also stressed I was not having any problems, but I was interested how one perceived an issue. At what line in the sand should a man stop and think, perhaps this is a real problem and not another means to pry more money out of my pocket?

Let's just say that the 30 minute explanation boiled down to Common Sense.

Yes, there is still a reliance on the good 'ole ability of Man (and this is all-inclusive statement for both sexes) to think rationally about an issue and derive a satisfactory and correct answer, without the need for introducing more pills/drugs into the body.

So ladies, if you man is still asking at inappropriate times and not performing at others, then you still might want to keep that 'pet' rabbit handy...

I left the office world behind to get away from this..!

2008-06-03T08:25:00.002-05:00

Yes, I have another health related problem. All of last weekend I was suffering from sever sinus congestion/coughing and sneezing and very TIRED!

I left the maze of reconstituted air (re: office work) to avoid this. Fresh country air! Less flu and cold downtime! Better health!

I should have checked the disclaimer more closely to verify if the warranty on Fresh Air and Better Health was expected to expire!

So now the green phlem, sore throat and aching lungs (when I cough) are chasing me back into the doctor's office.

Yea me!

I had hoped that the bad-reaction-to-the-back-waxing body rash and the gee-dennis-didn't-you-think-that-playing-pioneer-and-manually-clearing-that-poison-ivy-patch-would-react-badly-with-your-obvious-allergies-to-said-ivy rash that covered my arms and upper torso would have warned me...

So here I sit, waiting for the doc to walk in and ask me to open my mouth and say 'ahhhh'.

I guess it could be worse. He could be asking me to turn my head and 'cough'.

Recent Events at 'the Playground'

2008-05-21T16:11:00.003-05:00

So here at the Playground life has continued to move forward, even though the blog process has been somewhat stagnant (my apologies).

Wife.Imp's youngest sister is stopping by for a brief visit and today I took her out for a road trip (ok, I gave her the keys to my car and told her that she gets to drive me around). Because the one thing I have learned when visiting wife.imp's family is that if you have no means of going out and about, then things can get boring.

SIL brought gifts from the family, of which a baseball hat with an Iron Man logo on it was given to boy.imp. Since getting the hat boy.imp wears it around the house fighting the 'bad guys'. The fights are terrible, with lots of shouting, jumping and falling down. However b.imp always gains the upper hand with a knock-out blow. Which he has to describe to me.

'I hit him in the eye!' 'I hit three of them in the teeth!' 'I hit him in the chest and two of them in the eye!' 'I hit five in a row here!' (this is where boy.imp points to the lower abdominal/higher thigh area of his body and will continue to point there until you have viewed the area of damage and acknowledged his fighting prowess...)

Concerning aging...
I went to my s0mewhat-annual (ok, 1st time in 3 years) checkup today because I felt I had enough info to make the doctor's effort in the examination more than just routine. I have a very nice back rash (the result of a hair-removal waxing--Oddly enough when I found out a year or so ago that I did have hair on my back, I have never been able to put that thought out of my mind. It actually bothered me. I finally pulled the trigger and it barely tingled. It felt like someone had spread masking tape on my back and pulled it off. But the rash kind of puts a damper on repeat procedures), a pain in one of my knees and a phantom ache in one of my arms.

I also had (the first of what is now an annual event (yea me!)) the prostate exam! I am not certain, but I am fairly postive that procedures conducted in the family-care doctor's office should include the patient's continued ability to, oh say, breathe during said procedures!

'You Asked'...

2008-05-06T22:30:00.005-05:00

Tony at 'Creative Type Dads' and Diana from 'Stuck in Elmo's World' have inquired as to how I managed such a drastic rash from Poison Ivy.

First let me say that my reaction to contact with the Ivy is nothing new. In high school, on two separate occassions, I had to rub ice on my eyelids just so I could open them to go to school in the morning. I, who burn faster than paper soaked with lighter fluid, would spend weeks at the public pool because the chlorine content in the water was the second fastest non-medical remedy to an Ivy rash I found. The first was using the juice from the stem of a Jewelweed plant. That stuff is a factual miracle in nature!

So knowing my history, one might guess my reaction to being invited to help my sister clear some of her land would be a resounding 'No.'

Instead, I promised to help. So I showed up in shirt-sleeves and dragged vines from trees to be burned with brush pulled out of the ground. It was a lot of fun and, yes, I was aware that the vines, some almost as thick as my wrist, were Poison Ivy vines. Yet, I still wrapped them around my wrist and dragged them to the ground or wrapped chains around them and pulled them out of the trees and lugged them to the bonfire to be burned.

Yes, I am aware that burning Ivy is also not the ideal way of disposal.

Yes, I spent the last 2 weeks with my arms and abdomen covered in salves and lotions. Until I had enough and visited the local family practioner. There I obtained the 3rd most effective cure for this rash.

Now I am merely days and not week(s) away from overcoming this abysmal rash.

Over the weekend...

2008-05-04T12:39:00.003-05:00

Girl.Imp had her First Communion.
While standing in line, waiting file into the Church:
me: Settle down!
g.imp: blahblahblah (it was as if she had drunk 7-8 cups of sugar in her coffee that a.m.)
me: stand still...settle down
g.imp: blahblahblahblabblabblab, daddy, you have skin hanging out of your nose..!
(mind you we are standing in line with over 80 imps and their parents)
me:uhh, how's that?
g.imp: fine...blabblabblabbberdyblabblab, no, it's still there! You have a booger hanging out of your nose!

Yep, right before heading into Church for G.imp's big day, daddy is standing in line picking boogers out of his nose!

Daddy also spent the last week sleeping alone. Not one member of the family was interested in sleeping in the same bed, sharing a hug or even sitting on my lap.

Of course the rampant spread of Poison Ivy on my arms, neck and abdomen might be a small part of the isolationism...

And She is only 8-years-old...

2008-04-27T13:27:00.002-05:00

...our across the road neighbor was using a hand-powered edger on his sidewalk when the tool caught girl.imp's eye. She walked across the road and watched the work in progress then looked back across the street toward our yard. While I could not hear the words, I could read her lips and could see that look in her eyes. Girl.Imp had seen the potential of such a tool and instantly realized it could be useful in my yard...

...so boys, this is fair warning...

Playground events

2008-04-19T23:03:00.003-05:00

I have not mentioned this in the past but we have been without any real furniture in our Family Room since last Fall (I gave our couches to my brother when he moved out of state). Since losing the sofas, we had been utilizing a futon. That broke recently and I moved the futon's skeletal remains out of the house and we sat on the futon pad for a few weeks. But now we have new furuniture!! 1 sofa and 2 armchairs!!

Girl.Imp Speaks:
my eldest younger sister (nka: Sis1) and her husband recently stopped at the house on their way to a concert (don't know who) and had a brief conversation with girl.imp:

blahblahblahblahblahblahblah
blahblahblahblahblahblahblah
blahblahblahblahblahblahblah
g.imp: boy.imp and I have different bodies. b.imp has a ting-ting and I have a ping-ping, just like mommy's--only hers has hair on it...

In the week that followed this conversation, (I understand that Sis1's husband's jaw bounced off of the floor) I know that now both my parent's have heard this conversation and knowing my sister, I would bet that her co-workers are also 'In-the-Know!'

On another night that I was working late, the imps were encouraged to imitate each other and, I am reliably informed, could earn livings as professional mimics. however it was when they were asked to imitate mommy:
imps: IT IS BEDTIME!! GO TO BED! NOW!

and then daddy:
imps: BEDTIME! GO TO SLEEP! NOW!

boy.imp speaks on how to earn $$ (thank you webkinz, you will be receiving the imps collegiate tuition bills):
wife.imp: So how do mommy and daddy make money?
b.imp: you go online and you play games and then you get money!

Stomp and Bill Cosby...

2008-04-04T10:31:00.003-05:00

before I get to 'Stomp' and Mr. Cosby, I have to admit that wife.imp's radio alarm is probably the most annoying device ever made. Not, however, that the way she has it set makes it annoying--the alarm goes off by playing a pre-set radio station, NPR. No, I incorporate the news broadcast in my dreams every morning and only get up when she digs her elbow into my ribs.

So today, I have stayed home with the onset of a cold...or as I feel better, the imminent recovery from a cold. Anywho, the point is I tried to sleep in and the alarm (and this is why it is the most most annoying device ever made) kept going off and off and off. No matter the number of times I hit the snooze button the alarm always returned. I even got so annoyed that I considered beating it against the floor until it broke.

Instead, I called wife.imp at work to complain and her first questions was, "did I ever think to turn it (the alarm) off?"

I'll post more on 'Stomp' and Bill Cosby later...

A Little 'Jerk and Tug' in the Bathroom--Where is the Harm in That?

2008-04-02T08:12:00.004-05:00

Yesterday as I contemplated life and family and work, whislt astride the Porcelain Throne (I had finished the comics and sports section) I reached for some All-Purpose paper. In order to, comfortably, reach said roll in our bathroom, one must lean forward and it was a new roll, so no worries there.

Until I jerked on the end of the paper and a tiny bit tore off. I jerked again. Again a tiny bit tore free.

WTF? The paper is wrapped around a tube that rolls on a spindle...I'll be damned if I was going to shift one iota from my current position (now on the leading edge of the seat). So, I grabbed at the paper and Jerked and tugged and jerked and tugged and got to sit in my own personal toilet paper confetti blizzard (and I did not even have to travel to the Canyon of Heroes in NYC).

Turns out that if the cardboard tube (in a full roll of toilet paper) is not perfectly rounded, the roll won't roll. I had to turn the paper (using both hands) to secure the desired amount of quilted softness.

It is moments like this that can ruin a perfectly glorious morning!!

Working in Wet Weather

2008-03-31T11:54:00.006-05:00

I do work on the road...or in the case of some private lanes, off of the road. Yep, sometimes the homeowner merely carves a path from the road to the residence without placing any foundation in the newly formed lane.

aaaaand in dry or merely damp weather, this is not an issue. However there are times when work and weather conspire to make driving to some residences more of an adventure :(click on the photos to see the 'life-sized' image in all it's glory!):

Of course, I am sure the parents and teachers enjoy seeing my car roll through the school parking lot the next morning when I drop girl.imp off for her classes!!

as seen at 'the Playground':

girl.imp was naked and supposed to be waiting in the bathroom for me to start her shower, but instead she found my felt, cowboy hat (re: wet weather gear) and walked up between me and the game on t.v. to perform a 'hip pounding' dance to the halftime music. The good news is that the hat was held, at all times, infront of her upper to mid-hip region.

The bad news is that with all the rain expected this week, I still have to wear that hat...

Easter Week - the most Holy week of the year

2008-03-23T21:23:00.004-05:00

- ended today with Mass. We woke late because the imps decided to go to sleep after midnight last night and woke up around 5 a.m.

Wife.Imp and I don't roll like that anymore. So after 3-minute showers and a fast dash we made Mass and stood in the back, passing boy.imp back and forth as he was asleep on his feet (technically in our arms because if we had put him on his feet he would have hit the ground like a sack of 'taters).

Girl.imp stood just inside the rear doors next to the table where the Host was placed until its turn in the ceremony arrived---and she used a hair barrette to clean her fingernails--repeatedly clean her fingernails because she made it very clear that I would have to win a 'Cage Match' to wrestle the barrette away from her...

on the way home we had a short discussion about eating cooked food:
girl.imp: dad, have you ever eaten live chicken rolls?
me: what?
girl.imp: dad, have you ever eaten live chicken rolls?
wife.imp: you mean like sashimi?
g.imp: no, like raw chicken!
me: Isn't live chicken the same as raw chicken?
w.imp: Chicken is one of those meats that you really do not want to eat raw.
me: that and turkey.
g.imp: why not?
w.imp: because you could get Salmonella.
g.imp: what is that
w.imp: that is a bacterial infection that can make you very sick if you do not cook your food properly.
g.imp: how come?
w.imp: by bus!

me: (laughing!! sometimes wife.imp's filipina humor is awsome!)

Winter Storm, Flu and ...

2008-03-15T22:11:00.005-05:00

Well, we are now watching the last of our 20+ inches of snow that fell on us during the last storm melt away...So here are some pics:

Imps in the Snow - hey, did you see the car?

and this was before the snow plow...

Of course, girl.imp was getting over her flu/strep and the rest of us had the flu...What really happened was the storm occurred at the perfect time for us!!

Ode to Ye 'Ole Red Onion

2008-03-04T10:33:00.003-05:00

From the moment I uncovered you at the store
I knew you must join us at our home
and that I must have you and then have you some more

I had to possess you for you were what we needed
That you and not Comrade Radish had what I sought
that deep, gleeming, royal coat of red

Your pungent presence and sharp bite
slices made softer by frying in the pan
created a perfection that only you made right

Future meals I had planned with you in mind
But now Frustration and Futility wear on my soul
for nowhere searched did you allow me to find

Where O where my royal red onion have you fled?
Why have you spurned our passionate desires?
Will I find you before your aroma awakens the dead?

Sick Days at the Playground

2008-03-03T14:29:00.002-05:00

The only thing that moves slower than girl.imp taking medicine (she has strep throat) is watching boy.imp move from point 'A' to point 'B' while anywhere outside of the Playground premises.

It truly took the poor dear (girl.imp) almost 15 minutes to chew and swallow 2 tablets before lunch today.

After that episode and what with dragging them both (girl.imp because she was sick and tired and boy.imp because he is...well, he is boy.imp and has his own internal clock. One that I now recognize that I ran on when I was younger. Yes, Mutherrrrr, your curse has hit home. Thank you!!) through the grocery store, I asked wife.imp to bring some bourbon home after work.

I think she thinks I was kidding.

I think I was kidding..?

At least it was warm and I got outside for some excercise!!

Life At the Playground

2008-02-24T23:05:00.002-05:00

boy.imp and girl.imp share a bed, actually they sleep on two single beds that are side by side. Boy.Imp started chewing on girl.imp's hair tonight.

We really don't know why.

My laptop is set to run pictures as the screen saver (a function I just yesterday enabled) and girl.imp found out about this new twist last night 2 hours after her bedtime because she came downstairs to complain about her health...and watched the slide show for another hour or so...

Boy.Imp discovered this feature as I defragged the hard-drive around dinner time and spent most of dinner commenting on the photos. I had to turn the computer toward the wall because both imps were walking away from the table to get a closer view of the photos they most liked.

I did something to my neck. Don't know what and have suffered with near constant pain for 11/2 weeks. So after a massage and liberal use of a massage stick mthe pain is nearly gone. However, I still hesitate to look to my left with any degree of speed.

Tuesdays Mondays

2008-02-20T15:00:00.002-05:00

Sometimes Mondays are not the bad cliche of the week. Take Tuesday. I got girl.imp off to school -- late because I got up (a tad) latish and girl.imp moves slower than Grandma Moses with crippling arthritis in the mornings. Honestly, if her day could be pushed back to start after the 'Crack of Noon' then she would be much happier with the world.

Sooo we got to school and found that traffic in the drop-off lane was backed up almost to the entrance of the parking lot. It seems everybody was late today. The good news is that even though g.imp arrived 10 minutes after the bell, she had a 15-minute grace period to allow for those students who are on buses to arrive. So after dropping g.imp off, I sat in the parking lot and waited.

and waited...

All the while knowing that I had an appointment to keep some at 10:30a.m. almost 96 miles north and east of the school. I made it by 11:00a.m. On the way there, I stopped off at a McDonald's where my cousin and her husband manage and found that he was having a really, really bad morning.

In the few minutes I was inside the store, the window cashier gave out incorrect change 2x, the front counter cashier was struggling to make $15 of change with no fives (oddly she did have some tens and ones) and I managed to spill a large cup of coffee on the front counter.

I later found out that boy.imp refused to wear his winter coat, preferring instead to wear a heavy cotten hoodie out in the snow.

And yes, I do believe that there was a full moon Monday night...

Mark is not the only one with Dinner Trouble

2008-02-16T22:49:00.005-05:00

tssss! wham! sploosh! tssssssss!

Four sounds that happened at the start of the cooking phase of Friday night's dinner. The menu included: Grilled Salmon, Buttered baby carrots and Mashed Potatos with gravy.

Yessiree, Dennis was enjoying hisself. I had the carrots on and was reaching to set the potato water on the stove when I noticed that the burner was sitting a tad lopsided. What I did not notice was the knob that controls this particular burner (front left) was on (I had originally meant to turn on the Rear Left burner).

So, I reached out to level the burner and -- TSSSS! (instant pain followed by a disheartening numbness in my left forefinger and thumb) I then dropped the pan of water on the stove--Wham! Which then spilled over and flooded over the still lop-sided burner--Sploosh--TSSSSSSSSSS!

Fortunately I a) immediately turned off the burner, b) iced the damaged digits, c) have a little bit of callused finger tips. This is important because the pain subsided after 1/2 an hour into a white scar which has not blistered. Although it might not fade either.

Aaaaaand---no fire or short-circuit action either!

Yeah me!!

Our House is Cluttered

2008-02-12T15:45:00.000-05:00

and it has been that way for years now. We have crap (sorry honey) STUFF packed away in our house for ....well for the new house. I have to admit that wife.imp and myself would never win awards for the 'Cleanest House In the Block' or even for neatness.

I should stress that we are not living in a house with an aisle from the front door through the family room (with alcoves for the furniture) into the kitchen, bath and bedrooms. We do not share our food/space with nature (at least not knowingly and when nature rears her ugly head inside we/I throw down immediately and beat the bitch out).

But we do have boxes in closets that have not been opened/moved since the day we moved in. We/I have clothes we/I will never wear again. Toys are hiding in various nooks and crannies that have not been moved since the great Dust Bunny Revival '03.

So I recently went and purchased several large sized plastic boxes and informed wife.imp that I am no longer content with the current room layout (I want more space!). Therefore I will be filling boxes and moving them to the garage (re: staging area) until more permanent decisions can be made (re: spring arrives and I start piling things up for the trash pickers/trash collection trucks or a possible Yard Sale then piling things up for trash pickers/trash collection trucks).

I am not going to ask. I have several items on my list of 'Things That Must Go'.

Sentiment and Value have no business in this cleanout and have been given the Pink Slip. Dad is in charge of 'Spring Cleaning' and Dad and Dad alone is making the decisions....

BUWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA....

When it's punishment time at the Playground

2008-02-06T14:44:00.000-05:00

Yes it occassionally happens. One of the imps will act out, smart off or generally cause havoc at 'the Playground' and a punishment will ensue (we have to because it spelled out midway through the fourth chapter of the official 'Idiot's Guide of How to be the Best Joy Sucker in 12 Easy Steps' manual).

Our nieghbors use the same relative technique, namely taking away something from the imps that they truly enjoy; video games, t.v., and/or various electronic devices.

However, that is not how WE roll here at 'the Playground'! Here we shout things like:
*Fine, don't wear your shoes to the car!
*Put that book down!
*No! I don't want a hug/kiss!

Yep, nothing can get the imps attention like depriving them of the essentials.

By the by, I was wandering through the house and realized how much JK Rowling has invaded our space.
There were open copies of Harry Potter books in the following rooms:
1)Upstairs bath - ...Half-Blood Prince
2)Imps' bedroom - ...Deathly Hallows
3)Family Room- ...Chamber of Secrets
4)DVD Player- ...Goblet of Fire
5)Car CD Player- ...Deathly Hallows

I really need the new season of Dr. Who to start...or Major League Baseball, either one....

Pull my finger...

2008-02-01T14:04:00.000-05:00

Usually it takes two to play the ‘Pull-My-Finger’ game. Yesterday, however, wife.imp discovered how to play the ‘solitaire’ version.

wife.imp: girl.imp was late for school today
Me: uh
Wife.imp: It was my fault really. I was trying to get her into the car and I was yanking on the door, because—you know—it sticks if you don’t open it for a couple of days and, well, today it was stuck.
Me: oooookay
Wife.imp: and my finger hurts. It hurt all day. Look at it (here she holds up a hand where all the fingers look normal to me). Now look at it compared to this one (here she holds up her other hand, where all the fingers look normal to me). See, it’s swollen.
Me: uhuh (smile and nod, dennis. Smile and nod)
Wife.imp: See (shaking the offending finger, which I now see is her ring finger- left hand) It’s all swoll up. (wife.imp is teasing me about the time I let that little phrase escape from between my lips. ‘It’s all swoll up’ should tell you plenty about the area of Ohio in which I was raised).
Me: Yep (seeing no difference but continuing to smile and nod)
Wife.imp: I could not get the door open so I kept pulling at it and…and, well, it was locked.
Me: yes..?
Wife.imp: So, I ended up pulling my finger (impossibly cute pouty face here) and it hurts…

Ok, there are some things one should not post

2008-01-29T23:17:00.001-05:00

Especially when they have very young imps who both know how to read and know how to find your blog...

So while I was at work today, girl.imp read my last post and began asking wife.imp what I meant. Turns out wife.imp was not in to filling in the blanks I left and let girl.imp call me at work (re: while I was driving around the State) and demand the answers from me.
Lucky for me, I was busy at the time of her call and have not had to address this issue yet.
Meanwhile girl.imp came downstairs after 10p.m. with one of her 'short' question session.

g.imp: dad, I have a question--No, no. Don't worry. This is short. I promise...So why did you post that I said, 'I swear that I am up to no good' and that I said, 'Mischief managed'?
me: (uh oh) I'm sorry. I'll stop doing it.
(because this blog won't just suck if I cannot post what you and your brother say/do on a daily basis. Yep, the whole purpose of doing this will just dry up and blow away if you take you and your brother out of the equation...)
g.imp: Oh no! Keep on doing it! Keep on doing it!

what a smartass!! LOL

Wife.Imp has not been feeling well

2008-01-27T22:51:00.000-05:00

and has been curled up with her fever and chills and generally not feeling better. Water tastes bad, soup was eaten but was it really tasted?

Even the Tylenol did not help her headache. In fact it steamrolled right over her medicine. So I felt it was time to start a conversation:

me: I just want to be perfectly clear on this point. Just to be certain...
wife.imp: mmm
me: There's--there's not going to be any sex tonight is there?

Boy.Imp cried when I left the restaurant with Girl.Imp

2008-01-23T21:47:00.000-05:00

We were only going home and wife.imp was taking boy.imp as soon as she paid for dinner (yep. that is the kind of woman she is. I do so enjoy being the trophy husband)

So we are in the parking lot and boy.imp calls on the cell phone bawling and crying that he wanted to go home with me (because I am the ~~Walrus~~ 'Fun Parent'). I left him with his mother (they were only 1-2 minutes behind us at most) and went home with girl.imp (it is a school night and it was her turn to shower first).

In the car girl.imp ~~busted my balls~~ chastised me for not letting her talk to boy.imp on the phone.

me: I did not give you the phone because boy.imp did not need you laughing at him.
g.imp: I would not have laughed at him.
me: yes you would!
g.imp: huhuh! I swear!
me: don't give me that...
g.imp: I would not have laughed. I solemnly swear.
me: what?
g.imp: I solemnly swear...
me: hmm
g.imp (in a whisper): ...that I am up to no good.
me: Say what::
g.imp (laughing): Mischief managed!

***********
Since the flooding has been resolved, laundry is being rushed through and we lost track of the clean vs. dirty piles (ok, one or two items of clothes were were unsure about as they could have been in either pile).

wife.imp: Are you sure that they are clean
(she is pointing at boy.imp's underwear and one of girl.imp's socks)
me: well, I know that the sock is clean
wife.imp: (looked at me for several seconds and then picked up the underwear and sniffed)

Yes, they too were clean!

Two Showers and a Wash

2008-01-22T15:08:00.000-05:00

Two showers and a load of laundry last Sunday proved that our flooding inside the house issues are very much still with us.

and this after I had Roto Rooter out last month to snake the main line.

By the way, I realize that our house was built in 1968. I realize that I did not have any input into its design. But who the hell puts the water stack in the middle of the family room (I cannot say basement as ours is a split-level house) and then frames around it with wood?

I'm no engineer but I would think that waste water from the upper level of the house might not be the best thing to route through the middle of the room where the family spends most of its time!

Geeez!

Ok. So RR snaked the main line and all was fine and dandy until last Sunday. I recalled the tech and scheduled an appt. for this a.m. (meaning btwn the hours of 8a.m. and 12p.m.). The tech arrived around noon and re-snaked the line with all of his cutting blades.

Nothing. No mess, no fuss, no cleaned line.

He calls his supervisor who brings the Camera-on-a-Snake to run through my line to verify what the hell is happening. Turns out that the blockage is within 20 feet of the main sewer line and just a foot or two beyond the reach of the tech's standard cable.

As I type this, the tech is on his way to get a cable extension (I think. He has been gone for almost an hour) so that the blockage can be cleaned. And the cost in time and special equipment?

Pretty darn reasonable. I get to keep both my imps and perhaps my right arm to boot!!

I am supposed to leave at 7a.m. tomorrow

2008-01-21T00:26:00.000-05:00

instead I am here: http://www.addictinggames.com/fancypantsadventure2.html

have a nice day!

Girl.Imp Speaks (daddy quietly freaks)

2008-01-19T17:44:00.000-05:00

g.imp: mommy, I have a question.
(it is around 10p.m. and bedtime for the imps. G.imp has meandered downstairs and pulls up a chair infront of wife.imp and myself)
w.imp: yes... (g.imp has been using this time of night to bombard us with Harry Potter questions and wife.imp was about to roust her back upstairs)
g.imp: Am I developing my milk-feeders yet? (waving a hand infront of her chest

It was sooo peaceful...

2008-01-16T22:03:00.000-05:00

There we were sitting on the sofa. Wife.imp was lying down and resting, boy.imp was sitting on my shoulders resting his chin on my head and moving around (so I thought) trying to find a more comfortable position. Then he burped from his southernmost orifice...

Weekend with the Imps

2008-01-14T11:00:00.000-05:00

Wife.Imp and the imps and I went out for Sushi last Friday and after dinner we split up so that I could purchase a family planner calendar and wife.imp could take girl.imp shopping for a gift for our neighbor's daughter's birthday.

Being that I am over 35 and it was after 7 p.m., I needed coffee. So I took boy.imp to the coffee shop/sports bar which is located in the mall where we ate dinner.

boy.imp: can we go in and sit down?
me: nope. we're going home as soon as we get our coffee and food (he talked me into buying dessert by stopping his whining as soon as I agreed).
boy.imp: why not? I want to sit down.
me: (looking hatefully at the mother and toddler-aged daughter sitting in plain sight) weeeell, you're still too little to go in there and I am not buying you one of those drinks (re: alcohol beverages that everyone seemed to be enjoying)
boy.imp: (long pause) I could use a little cup...

Friday night after the imps' betime:
me: Hey! (girl.imp walks into the bathroom whilst I am enjoying some free time on the porceline throne)
girl.imp: Now that you have some free time, I have a question to ask you.
me: (nonononono these are the questions you need to ask your mom! I don't want to deal with boyfriends, puberty or you staring at me while I am on the toilet! Yes, we have a door that locks now. No, I have not gotten into the habit of locking it--YET)
girl.imp: So--In Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, why did blah blah blahbabablah...

White Guy cooking Adobo

2008-01-09T10:45:00.000-05:00

No, it is not me. Wife.Imp assured me that he did a good job with both the recipe and the language - a Tagalog & English mix called Taglish.

After watching this video, I can now cook this dish and have determined that I should be able to learn Taglish as well!

When OSU Gets to the Title Game NEXT Year...

2008-01-08T08:56:00.000-05:00

Can we please play any team from a division other than from the SEC??

Yes, I am predicting the Buckeyes playing in a 3rd consecutive national title game and for those detractors out there who believe we are too slow (we're not, but we do have those odd games where sound technique gets left behind. go figure) let me just say that 4 title game appearances in 7 years trumps any background yammering of how underserving a conference/team we (the Buckeye Nation) are...and I did not see any other team willing to step up and take that spot for this year's beating!

Ok, soapbox put away until November 2008.

Laundry?

2008-01-07T11:21:00.000-05:00

Girl.Imp has taken a great interest in separating the whites from the darks in recent weeks. Unfortunately, she has no interest in the laundry. Instead she likes to sit on my lap and pull down my t-shirt to separate gray chest hairs from the others and then tries to convince me to let her pluck them...

Girl.Imp had a bad day after her 1st day of school - post holiday break

2008-01-03T22:00:00.000-05:00

However before I get into that, it is halftime at the Orange Bowl and this bowl finally got halftime entertainment done right!!

ZZ Top played the entire time I viewed and jammed 'Sharp Dressed Man' without the network pushing for them to end the song ASAP!!!

Back to g.imp: I picked her up on the way home from work (another 200+ mile day) and I was juuuust a little tired and cranky and she meets me at the door of the babysitters to tell me that the back of her head hurt because boy.imp had jumped on her back and pulled her down so that their heads knocked together (at least two times) today.

This brings up a point to emphasize the difference between boys and girls.

I gave girl.imp a new helmet for riding her TRIKKE (I will be flogging this as the world's greatest invention all year) and she fusses with the helmet for a moment or two and declares that it will fit better with a ponytail.

I gave boy.imp a new helmet for riding his new bicycle and he fusses until the chinstrap is strapped on and immediately begins running head first into our hall walls and continues until we go outside!

Anyway, g.imp 'forgot' to complete her homework while at the sitter's so that was her task before eating dinner (she did 3 questions wrong and had to redo them--NOT HAPPY). Then She and boy.imp bumped heads again...MORE TEARS

I decide this is a good time to retire to the porceline throne in the 'Reading Room' and girl.imp is teased by wife.imp about how she hogs the blankets in bed at night leaving boy.imp to curl in a fetal position hoping to be warmed by her breath as she sleeps the night through...STILL MORE TEARS

SO I decide it is time to lighten the mood and I re-emerge from the 'Reading Room' and announce:
"One of my pooplets was shaped like an almond!"

Both imps fall over laughing and wife.imp gives me a 'WTF' look and wanders off to the kitchen. But there is no need to explain as my goal was accomplished! I gather both imps into my arms for a hug aaaaaaand they bump heads again...EVEN MORE TEARS

Sometimes a person can't win for losing!

Google Anonymity - Year 2--ish

2007-12-28T11:00:00.000-05:00

Yes gentle reader(s), we are in near the end of our second year of blogginess and I must say that I have managed not to jeapordize my marriage to wife.imp (well, nothing too serious anyway) with my posts.

Yea Me!!

So, after two years, I must say that I have consistantly appealed to that fickle, world audience?

What proof do I have, you ask? Well the answers are right before your eyes (the graphs below represent the areas of the world from which our humble little Playground is visited):

...and these are some the search terms from the last month that brought you to 'the Playground':
"what prompts" admission: Usually asking, “please”, works here at the Playground…
bratz playground: Sorry, no bratz here; Only Imps!
bud: this from O Fallon, Missouri, hmmm, here in Ohio they still say ‘Dude’…unless asking for a cold, frothy beverage then Bud is quite often used…
imp news of day: they got up today and started playing a Memory card game that they got for Christmas! Pretty cool, huh?
mother milk: Father Whiskey? ??? OH! You guys need to get a life! Join a frat or something…
peed girl face%: What goes on in Germany (State/Region: Niedersachsen, City: Ronnenberg) stays in Germany
mouse tattoo joke: ummm, footprints meandering from the lower buttocks to the lower back??

Call me 'olde fashioned'

2007-12-26T10:26:00.001-05:00

...but we did not do the HP Nativity scene. I just could not picture placing a baby Harry in his crib with a menacing Lord Voldemorte hovering over him about to cast the Killing Curse under the Christmas tree next to baby Jesus, Mary and Joseph...

So what did happen on Christmas? Let's just say that Santa nearly missed our house because the imps were up until well after midnight..!!!

What did Santa eventually bring the imps?

boy.imp got a brand new Bicycle!!
girl.imp (who hates the idea of 2-wheeled transportation) got a brand new Trikke!! (So did Dennis)

However the best Christmas in Ohio was not celebrated by the Imps. No it was reported in the Columbus Dispatch and desribed how Gunnery Sgt. Shawn Delgado of the 3rd Battalion, 25th Marines of Lima Company spent over $4,000 of his own money (re: Credit Card purchases) to ensure that children who otherwise would have been berift of any Christmas cheer would have happy memories...

Despite what we've read about abuses in the military in recent years, I can only hope that quality men and women (like Gunnery Sgt. Shawn Delgado) continue to volunteer for military service.

I also hope that I might learn to keep track of my keys. Yes gentle readers, last night, while parked in my parents' driveway (with a house full of relatives) I locked my keys in my car, with the engine running. What happened to the spare set? They were locked in the back of the car.

Here is the conversation that made all this possible:
me: hey (wife.imp), do you still have the extra set of car keys?
wife.imp: ummm, yes.

Perrrrrfect! With the spare keys safely in wife.imp's pockets, I proceeded to load the car with all the imp's gifts, our stuff and the leftovers we were taking home from the Christmas feast (there was a snafu on the food bit tho'). I then started the car and locked the doors (knowing the spare key was safely in wife.imp's hands and not wanting to tempt the stray deer or migratory birds that might be wandering near the parents' driveway) and went happily inside to monitor the imps as they prepared to go home.

At the appointed time (that moment where the chaos drops and the imps are most mallable to the idea of leaving) I asked wife.imp for the spare keys.

wife.imp: they're in the black bag
me: They're where?
w.imp: in the black bag by the piano.
me: umm, it's not by the piano...
w.imp: yes it is. It's right over there by the piano.
me: no it's not. It's in the back of the car
w.imp: no, it's not
me: yes it is
w.imp: why is in the car? I told you the car did not need to be warmed up...
me: you told me you had the keys...
w.imp: I did, in the black bag.
me: you did not say anything about a black bag when I asked you if you had the keys.
w.imp: that was a general question...
me: no, I was quite specific, "Do you have the keys?" Specific. (leaning over and checking the front of her pants) Hey, what's this?"
w.imp: I don't keep keys in my pockets. It's uncomfortable."
My.Sister: Yes, they are uncomfortable. They're always poking your legs."
me: (ignoring my helpful sister) You did not mention the black bag...

anyway, despite all my wriggling and attempting to lesson the blame (or at least spread it far and wide, the fact remains that I did leave my keys in the ignition with the car running with the doors locked in a rural community where the likelihood of theft remains at a remarkably small percentage...

Happy Holidays!

Nothing Says Christmas like...

2007-12-21T11:26:00.000-05:00

1- The holiday Nativity scene
2- The Hollywood Blockbuster movie release

So girl.imp has decided to combine these two traditions and this Saturday we will be making the
Harry Potter Nativity Scene (complete with Lord Voldemorte)...

thank you...thank you very much...

Today

2007-12-18T07:46:00.001-05:00

I think I have strep throat...I am trying to determine which will be least inconvenient, an urgent care facility or the primary care physician's office...

So we saw the LOTR films over the weekend and girl.imp has reduced Tolkein's characters to being Harry Potter impersonator wannabes:

Gandalf = Dumbledore
Gimli the Dwarf = a miniature Hagrid
Legolas the Elf = well he is just plain 'CUTE!'
Aragorn = a younger Sirius Black
Gollum = '...that naked man'
All the other blond-haired elves?? - Well, girl.imp had trouble believing that they were 'good guys' because they looked a lot like the Malfoys.

'Do Me Daddy...Do me daddy...Do me too daddy'...and Road Rage Trumps Christmas Spirit

2007-12-16T23:55:00.001-05:00

Yes, the imps were lying on the futon with me and shouting and laughing and demanding more.

More!

More of my bare feet being held in front of their noses!!

Why? I do not know, but as long as they are entertained...

*****
Is it Road Rage when Wife.Imp gets frustrated in holiday traffic??

Wife.imp had some free time last Friday and was going to a lunch with friends and asked me if I would like to go with. I noticed a few things on that drive.

1- wife.imp is an aggressive driver
2- she has little patience with hesitant drivers
3- she has even less patience with drivers more aggressive than she is
4- I find myself saying (a lot), 'I'm going to blog about this.'

In w.imp's defense, there were several very, very angry (re: bad scary) drivers on the roads. However there were two statements she made that make our cut:

'It's like they have Nov. 1 attitudes one week before Christmas...'
'Geez, the rednecks from up north (re: Delaware, Morrow and Knox Counties) have flocked to the malls today. That'll teach me to go shopping on a Friday during the holiday season.'

christmas thoughts

2007-12-11T18:13:00.000-05:00

We went to wife.imp's office Christmas extravaganza last Sunday and included in all the festivities was a 'Face Painting' booth. Knowing it is Christmas and all the helpers/painters had christmassy things painted on their faces and Santa sat not 100 feet away talking to other imps, Boy.Imp had to have the 'Black Spiderman' mask.

Thank you. We do try.

*****

Girl.Imp has a life-like baby doll (a link to a similar baby doll is below) that was lying facedown on the floor. Wife.Imp was creeped out by the baby doll's position because, 'I know it is not real, but it could smother itself to death lying facedown like that on the floor!'

http://www.doddiesdolls.com/Merchant2/merchant.mvc?Screen=PROD&Store_Code=DDAC&Product_Code=1489&Category_Code=MNBW

*****

We have been invaded by a mouse (or a gang of mice) and it is currently living (dying?) in my downstairs closet.

We know it is there because it toured our family room one night (eluding capture) and ran under the stairs into our closet. I have blocked up the entrance and placed LARGE gluetraps with poison in said closet.

I have to admit to being a tad worried because the poison is being consumed and the glue traps are aparantly being used for a cardio workout. In fact, when the mouse/mice are not excercising in the glue, they are eating the plastic container.

I know, I know, poisoning the mice is not eco-friendly, Dennis. I have to admit that no, it is not. Neither am I Al Gore.

I have nothing against nature and with preserving it (outside of my house). Once nature moves in (apparantly with the idea of said move being rent free) I tend to get a little antsy. No, I can get dirty with the best of people, after all I did spend several years camping practically every weekend with the Boy Scouts.

I do have to admit that while the Boy Scouts taught me many valuable lessons there were some things that I learned that were not usable- I should mention that Al Gore was not known nationally and that my biggest influences were standing shoulder to shoulder with me doing things like:

* Melting plastic milk containers over an open flame (global warming was not a serious issue at this time) to see the pretty colors (ok and poisonous colors)

* Dropping tents on rival scout troops and then using the tent poles to beat whatever moved into submission

* Camping with the public and hitting (in retrospect being bloody obvious about this) on both sisters of the family that agreed to share their dinner with you

Although I have to admit that my social skills were honed by learning what not to say:

*(I might not have done so at the time but I would like to offer my apologies to the lady ranger who was present during this exchange)--I was with a group of scouts in Philmont, NM where we were engaged in a ribald conversation about breakdance moves that should not be tried when I piped in with (and I must add that knowing the boundaries of what is acceptable and what should not be uttered was highlighted here): "...Yeah, and nobody should try doing the Worm downhill with a hardon..."

Thing is, if I had uttered that sentence 10 minutes before or after that moment, nothing but laughter would have ensued.

This leads me to the comment that my mom made once, before I left scouting: "I am sure you have noticed that none of the parents around town have let their kids join the scouts for a couple of years haven't you?"

Actually no. I had not noticed. I was having too good a time to realize how out of control we actually were. But the bar had been set pretty high, we were accostomed to playing kinda rough (we once played tackle football - Australian 'rules' style- with a troop from the Cleveland area whose members were 2-3 years older, 20-40 pounds heavier and 3-4 inches taller and I hit (re: tackled) everyone of them so often (they did not acutally have to be carrying the ball--just being near it worked for me) that they eventually asked if we could call it a draw. I was about 5'8" and a solid 135lbs at the time. I was also addicted to pain. I would get into fights just to get that rush and being smallish and fast I just loved football.)

However, as rough as we played, we also took immense pride in being the best troop there as far as skills went. In head-to-head competitions, we rarely if ever came in lower than 2nd and usually ended up 1st. So I was literally surprised when mom informed me that parents were not allowing their kids to join.

So where was I? Oh! The mouse/mice. I believe the point I wanted to make was that as long as nature stays outside of my house, I am content to not mess with it. But when it moves in, I will do what is necessary to beat it into submission and evict it...That is, unless it eats the posion and glue traps and then keeps coming back for more.

Then I will just lock the doors and avoid going near that part of the house again.

Dinner at the Playground...

2007-12-06T23:45:00.000-05:00

wife.imp: so baby (girl.imp) what did you do at school today?
girl.imp: nothing.
me: she showed up late today!!
(our alarm did not go off this a.m. and I woke up around 7:45sh. School starts at 8a.m. and it is a 10 minute drive. This leaves us 5 minutes to dress and leave. For us guys that gives us a comfortable 3-4 minute cushion. For girl.imp, she would be about 25 minutes behind the 8 ball.)
girl.imp: No I wasn't. I went to the office to get my slip and they told me that nobody was late today and to go to class and when I got to class, Mrs. H. said...blah blah blah...
boy.imp: (with me staring directly at him) daddy...daddy...daddy...daddy...daddy...daddy...daddy...daddy...daddy...daddy...daddy...daddy...
daddy...daddy...daddy...daddy...daddy...daddy...daddy...daddy...daddy...daddy...daddy...daddy...
wife.imp: Did he kiss you?
me: Who kissed you?
(my neck is still sore as I type this)
girl.imp: nobody kissed me.
me: did you kiss him?
girl.imp: Kiss him? No! I wanted to take a volleyball and beat him in the face with it until I smash his front teeth out! That would be soooo cool! blah blah blah blah

That's my girl!!

One of 'Those' Parents

2007-12-04T00:09:00.002-05:00

About 10 years ago, wife.imp and I were at a restaurant where a family of five (3 boys) sat down near us. About midway through the meal the boys decided they would have much more fun if they ran through the restaurant playing hide-n-seek tag. The parents simply kept ordering drinks and enjoyed a very stimulating conversation...

Just the other night one of boy.imp's more distracting habits was on display at a local restaurant. He decided he was done early and wanted to get out of his seat and run around. Wife.Imp and I were enjoying a nice conversation at the time. I truly understood what that couple of years ago must have been thinking.

'Hey, they are not breaking anything and now we can really talk...'

However, I was not raised that way and neither are my imps. And, yes, I did let boy.imp get out of his chair whenever he wanted. He did have to stand with his nose against the wall tho'. I mean running around the house at home can be tolerated, barely and then only if we are near the end of the meal. But in a public setting..? No.

The lesson I learned before we had imps (and this was by watching relatives and/or parents of wildly out-of-control imps at grocery stores) is not to be afraid to educate and discipline (not beat but discipline) the imps in public while they are still young and learning right behavior from behavior that is not right in that situation.

So, now that the flu bug has mostly departed the Playground, the treadmill and other aparatus have been staring petulantly at me. I have been neglectful.

One of

2007-12-04T00:09:00.001-05:00

I went to my quarterly blood draw yesterday

2007-11-29T13:06:00.000-05:00

and because the imp's babysitter had a dental appt for one of her boys, boy.imp went with me.
Yep, boy.imp got to watch daddy bleed into a clear plastic bag for about 15 minutes.

his comment to wife.imp last night whilst they were discussing the event was:
b.imp: I will never, never, never, ever, ever, ever...

then he fell asleep because boy.imp is apparantly suffering from flu-like symptoms. Wife.imp also fell asleep and I watched the OSU men's baskeball team get dismantled by a very impressive squad from North Carolina.

Girl.Imp finished reading the last Harry Potter book and wants to start with the beginning of the series and work her way through. She has also found the joy of books on tape!! She now prefers to sit next to the cd player upstairs and shuns tv and the computer (so now we are sans Hannah Montana and You.Tube in our house)

Does anybody know if/when Dr. Who and Torchwood's next seasons will be broadcast in the USA airwaves?

Have I mentioned that we have corrupted the imps? Because of us they know most of the NPR daily shows, including Car Talk and Wait Wait Don't Tell Me.

They just love 'How Things Are Made', 'Dirty Jobs', and 'Mythbusters' on the Discovery Channel and they would get to see more American Chopper if Paul, Sr. would censor his thought processes a tad more regularly.

So, Santa is bringing some Boss gifts for the imps this year (that's right girl.imp, daddy has been talking with Santa and I know what he is bringing you! hahahahahaha)

Mother Nature will have her little pranks...

2007-11-28T00:14:00.001-05:00

I have discovered something truly awful. I have learned that when I go for a massage (yes, I can easily manage 12k miles per year +, so I do go in for the occassional massage to keep things from knotting too tightly) that I have so much body hair that if I were to vacation in the Western States I might be mistaken for a miniature missing link!

Ok, that was not the awful surprise. That was an eye opener. I mean the masseuse must use so much oil that the sidewalk would work like the 'Slip'N'Slide' when I leave.

No, the awful part is that I have learned that the massage works better when I shave my belly (and/or legs/arms/back). Imagine that phrase.

'Shave my belly'

What a truly horrible thought. I mean, when I was in high school I had a little body hair but nothing but the thin trail from chest to --further south. So the other day I did shave the round ball that used to be my abs and realized how truly fat I am under all that hair.

Talk about a motivating factor. Diet, exercise...uh uh. The best therapy is stripping oneself down to the skin.

So amongst all the other little jokes: Rampant ear hair, full body hair suit, the odd eyebrow hair that must grow 10x faster than all other hair on my body, I have truly seen how husky my abs now are.

Thank you Ma Nature. I am officially in my middle-age. A slow, hairy, fat-storing age magnet.

Thank God somebody had the good sense to invent the TRIKKE!

Yes, Dennis will soon beat his belly back into submission and move into his twilight years as simply just a midget missing-link wannabe!

It is Mid-November and it is time for...

2007-11-25T22:44:00.000-05:00

'The Annual Mowing of Our Leaves'!

Yes, here at 'The Playground' I have given up on the traditional rake. This style of leaf removal tends to eat up an entire weekend and I have to store 20+ bags of leaves in my garage for days on end until trash day.

Why mess with the old way, when one can mow the leaves down to a fine yard mulch inside of 2 hours? (less if, for instance, the leaves were not actually shin deep in the yard)

But Dennis, you'll stand out as as a radical if you persist in this new wave thinking!!

What will your neighbors think if you abandon the yard rake?

Well folks, today they saw a good idea in action and joined in. One neighbor actually started out with the rake and soon moved up to a riding mower...

Yes, it does feel good being an innovator!

I was going to post about how to muzzle the stalkarazzi (thank you Mr. Clooney for this idea) today. But I will back-pocket this idea for the moment.

It could be my grief or the fact that boy.imp is still so small

2007-11-18T14:19:00.000-05:00

But yesterday the fam left 'The Playground' to visit the grandparents and to watch the Buckeyes completely dismantle 'that team from up north'.

However I noticed that during the game that boy.imp was resting his head on wife.imp's chest. Later during the day I cornered wife.imp in the kitchen:

me: do you realize that boy.imp's head will fit in your bra?

There is still some slight bruising to my left arm...

Today wife.imp and girl.imp were about to go shopping and I was rough-housing with boy.imp (who now likes punching things). I made the mistake of rolling onto my back as he started his swing. He adjusted his aim and ensured that there will be no more imps born into our family.

Just so that you know, girl.imp likes to wake one up, in the early morning, by breathing on one's face. I just hope her future spouse is more tolerant than I am...I do have to admit that this is a fairly effective system of waking one from a deep sleep.

Both imps like to announce when they toot. Boy.imp takes it a step further and likes to toot then reach around behind him and 'grab' the toot so he can then 'throw' it at someone...

Into Autum...

2007-11-15T23:55:00.000-05:00

Again let me apologize for not having posted recently. The Happy Birthday wishes for boy.imp were appreciated and passed on to the lucky lad.

Since my last post, I have suffered through a severe stomach flu, the Buckeyes lost and my grandmother passed.

Not to trivialize her death, but she had been hanging on for weeks and was not anticipated to be with us for the new year. Among everything else, her cancer returned and her arthritis was severe. The funeral was Wednesday and it is believed she is much happier now.

Anyway the imps are both happy, healthy and apparantly wide awake.

It's November already?

2007-11-08T10:45:00.001-05:00

Today is boy.imp's birthday.

(thank you for those kind thoughts)

Last night wife.imp realized that his birthday was upon us and we had not bought him a gift, a cake, anything. So she left it up to me to wrap his gift (a Christmas gift substituted nicely as his birthday gift) and to make dinner reservations.

Problem 1: While in college I roomed with my brother. We exchanged gifts that were stapled into brown paper bags. Oddly, neither of us were put off by the 'wrapping'. Probably because we knew that we were just going to tear it off and throw it away and that should we try to do a nice job, it never looked nice. That and we had no $$.

I did wrap the gift and wife.imp did her best not to stand too close to the offending tape job as the imps tore it apart. Which was rather nice of her because she does a fantastic job with straight edges and clean lines. My effort covered the entire box (this time) and had edges and the cut meandered like the slow moving Big Muddy from edge to edge.

Problem2: I took us to a restaurant that the imps used to love, but now prefer Bob Evans and McDonald's instead. The main reason for going was not the food, which was typically adequate, it was the Birthday tadoo that the staff puts on; yelling, cheering, getting the rest of the patrons to join in the celebration.

However, we merely witnessed this hubbub at another table. Our server, apparently thought boy.imp too young to stress for (yes, I did inform him that we were there to celebrate a birthday). I, in return, felt that a large tip was too much to stress for...

Since Halloween...

2007-11-04T20:11:00.000-05:00

Our neighbor purchased a Nurse outfit for his daughter. A real bargain at $2.99. However he neglected to read the clipboard part of the outfit.

suffice to say, he is no longer allowed to shop for costumes for his daughter...

I was listening to the 'Capitol Steps' while doling out the candy. I did not really hear the innuendo in the lyrics, until a couple 4-year-olds ran up with thier parents.

***
The imps have been running around the house challenging our authority. At various times the following can be heard throughout the Playground:

'Do you want a piece of me, Old Man' or 'Do you want a piece of me, Old Woman'

Girl.imp tried to throwdown with wife.imp on Saturday and got her butt kicked!!!

***
I was at work on Saturday (and missed the OSU - Wisconsin game--which sucked because it was a good win) and was kicked off of somebody's property. This is not too bad as it occassionally happens that some landowners do not appreciate the Oil and Gas business. However this guy wanted to vent at 'The Man' and Saturday I played the role. So after he vented he had this real exaggerated finger-snap, pointing thing going on as he told me where my car was (we were standing right next to it) and bid me 'good day'.

I had to admit, I just made his day.

Wife.Imp -- the Day After

2007-10-30T22:20:00.000-05:00

I was back at work and wife.imp needed to take the imps to Saturday Mass and the dinner after. Two notable events occurred:

1- the fam was sitting behind an elderly couple in which the husband was more or less bald. During the middle of mass, boy.imp became fascinated by the play of the lights off of the man's pate. Before wife.imp realized, boy.imp had reached out and run his finger down the back of the man's head...top to bottem (my guess was that boy.imp was tracing the play of the light across the shiny, bald scalp).

2- dinner was rather inexpensive, however there was a slight push for $$ donations at the dessert table (dessert being cupcakes and cookies). Wife.imp gave the poor child $10 and got 1 cupcake and 1 cookie.

wife.imp: excuse me--where's my change? (she wanted to give a smaller donation)
helper: there's no change
wife.imp: what do you mean there's no change? I want my change!
girl.imp: well, you put money in and there's your dessert
wife.imp: But that's $10 dollars! For a cupcake and a cookie!

The Church gladly accepted our family's generous donation....

******

At times, I have to take my bad knees and walk across somebody's farm field in order to reach an equitable arrangement (re: I stay employed and the people I work for have more work to do. This is a good arrangement).

SOOoooo, whilst we were traipsing over 20 acres of hills and forest, I dropped my cell phone. My new(ish) cell phone that is what keeps me connected to the world (just two weeks ago girl.imp read me 30 minutes of Harry Potter whilst I was driving home).

I discovered this loss approx. 30 minutes after leaving in my car to go home, and after 30 minutes back and 30 more minutes of trekking through fields, jumping creeks and staggering through brambles in a forest--I FOUND IT!!

Life is good!

Sleepover Aftermath

2007-10-28T17:26:00.000-05:00

So, in the beginning the parents were gabbing with wife.imp and myself when the inevitable question cropped up:

What time do you want us to come by and pick up our kids?
me: oh, we're planning on a big breakfast; bacon, eggs and pancakes--say between 10a.m. and noon?

Parents: Really?
(sound of running feet and slamming door...)

****
Later (after wife.imp and boy.imp went to bed) around 11:30 p.m., girl.imp and friends appeared at the tops of the steps in their shirts and panties only. I was also informed that one of the sleeping bags had been doused with lemonade...

I would like to say that that would have reminding me of the coed days back when I was in college, except that I commuted or lived off-campus and shared an apartment with my brother and mother (she was commuting and getting straight A's). However I could not make that wish because something like that did not happen. Not even once. Not even close to once.

Even later, around 12:30a.m. girl.imp appeared at the top of the steps in her panties only...(no wishing for past memories here).

Around 1 a.m. the young ladies (totally dressed) talked themselves into believing that someone would break in through the windows and decided that they wanted to try and cram everyone into one twin bed.

By 1:30 1\2 were in the bed and 1\2 were on the floor.
By 1:45 a few wanted to go home because they could not get comfortable.
By 1:50 I moved three into boy.imp's bed and the remainder stayed in girl.imp's bed.
By 2:00 girl.imp and one of her friends were working their way (each) through one of the Harry Potter books
By 2:15, I was wondering if I could sleep in one of the cars in the driveway.
By 2:30 the house was suddenly quiet. I slept on the futon.

How many of you would like to believe the imps slept in late??

Nope, after a 5-hour nap they were up and fully-recharged by 7:30.

I decided that I would go to work as soon as I could get wife.imp up...

It's a Sleepover Friday Night!

2007-10-26T20:19:00.000-05:00

...as we are celebrating girl.imp's 8th birthday. She has several of her classmates over for the night.

I am thinking about brewing our 2nd pot of coffee right now...

Sorry about your breakfasts...

2007-10-23T22:47:00.000-05:00

I was on my way home last night and had stopped at one of the various 'local' truckstops for a good pee. While enjoying the moment the sound that brings the odor arrived first at my ears then my nose.

ZIIIIP

With my eyes watering, I stumbled to the sink then out the door wondering just what one has to eat to chase someone from a restroom the comfortably stands/seats at least 12 people..??

****

I also got a phone call:
girl.imp: daddy? did you do the 20 pushups that I asked you to do
(in the background wife.imp is shouting: 'don't bother him with that, tell daddy what you told me)

Uhoh!

girl.imp: I, uh, I told mommy that iwasmakingoutwiththe
me: what? making out with who?
(was g.imp necking with the boys at school already? I don't have my 'Cans O'Whup Ass' ready!! Geez Louise!!)
g.imp: ItoldmommythatIwasmakingoutwiththespoon
me: The spoon? That's all? ---I mean why would you tell mommy...What does making out with the spoon mean?
g.imp: It means I was kissing the spoon.
me: Kissing the spoon? Oh, well then I would prefer you told mommy that you kissed the spoon.

Daddy has spoken! (and it was a job well done if I say so myself!)

I pulled away from the driveway with both imps screaming...

2007-10-17T21:00:00.000-05:00

...and I did not feel the slightest bit guilty (sorry honey). I was not feeling the slightest bit sorry because I was heading to a 'parent mandatory' school function (on an empty stomach--but to be fair I started dinner a tad too late).

I was running a little late because wife.imp got caught in traffic and was delayed (but no phone call to let me in on the new timing--I know, I know. If the situation was reversed wife.imp would have read me the riot act).

So why were the imps crying? Because I thought they would have to come with me and instead of a gourmet salmon meal, I was taking them to McDonalds and as we walked out the front door, wife.imp pulled up...

...and I left her standing there in the driveway with both imps screaming and wondering if the neighbors were going to call Children Services...

I didn't do it, but still caught hell from its happening...

2007-10-15T20:59:00.000-05:00

Yesterday the imps went to visit the neighbors. While there, boy.imp does what every boy eventually will do when around dogs. He stepped in the poo and then ran around not noticing the smell.

When he came home, he ran around inside (shoeless) and when we were going outside later I noticed a ripe smell and pinpointed his shoe. So we went outside and I swiped at the offending material with a stick and a paper towel and figured that he'd wear the rest off as he ran around outside.

So we spent about 45 minutes outside with boy.imp running around and girl.imp and I tossing ball (baseball--a really really soft, rubbery baseball). And after a bit the inevitible missed catch, ball bounces off of nose/eye/forehead event occurred and we rushed inside to put ice on the booboo and wait to see how large the black eye would be.

No black eye.

My comment to girl.imp: So what was it that we learned today?
g.imp: to...to...to keep the ball between...to keep the glove between my face and the ball.
me: exactly!

What should have been the lesson learned?

Clean the poo off of the shoe before wife.imp finds out and yells at you!

I forgot the 'Code'

2007-10-13T21:46:00.001-05:00

at a reading of the humorist David Sedaris, I forgot the 'Code' and embarrassed wife.imp. Yes, this is the 'Code' that is hardwired into women's DNA and so baffles us knuckle-draggers.

This is the 'Code' that women use during arguments that grants them perfect recall of the tiniest details of some ancient transgression that, at the time, barely blipped the radar but during the heat of the moment--total victory.

This is the 'Code' that allows complex and lengthy discussions to occur between women with the twitch of an eyebrow, a look, pursed lips or the way a woman curls her hair around her fingers.

wife.imp noticed a women wearing a mini-skirt and breathed the following comment into my ear:
You know, it's true what they say that a woman should not wear a mini-skirt past 40.
me (loudly): Oh, I don't know
wife.imp: no it's true
me (loudly): I mean look at Teri Hatcher. She's over 40 and can wear a mini-skirt

Wife.imp put several more inches of empty space between us at this comment. I was later to learn that there was a women who appeared to be over the age of 40 who was wearing a mini-skirt AND standing right next to us...

I did manage, however, to keep my mouth firmly shut as a woman in fishnet stockings in the row behind us managed to inform all present how proud she was that she could afford MEMBERSHIP to the local museum (so can about anyone living in our city) and then she spent 30 minutes going over the plot (badly recalling its high points) of the latest episode of 'The Office'.
I have to admit that I actually watched that episode and if it were anything like how she described the action, I would never watch another episode. Happily I can admit that the show was much, much better than her description (and I am not really a fan).

*****
boy.imp: Mommy, am I Filipino?
wife.imp: yes, you are.
boy.imp: is Daddy brown?
wife.imp: no, daddy is not brown.
boy.imp: Then he's not my daddy...

Wife.Imp called it a teaching moment...

2007-10-10T22:08:00.001-05:00

Last week girl.imp brought home a permission slip for a field trip to the local zoo (www.colszoo.org/ -- I really recommend the flying foxes [RE: really really big bats from the Philippines]) and I filled out the forms and sent in the money, and apparently the money necessary to be a volunteer for the trip.

I was working Tuesday when wife.imp calls me and asks what my plans for Wednesday were (my work is fluid as far as the schedule goes and sometimes I have work weeks in advance sometimes my plans change while going to work). Nothing was planned for Wednesday.

wife.imp: Oh, good! You just volunteered to chaperone g.imp's field trip tomorrow!
me: (I cannot repeat what I said)
w.imp: well, you apparently filled out the permission slip and paid to be a volunteer.
me: (realizing that extra blank did look a little funny) I did?
w.imp: and guess what I got in g.imp's school folder today? "Dear Mrs. Imp. Thank you for volunteering blah blah blah.."
me: (I cannot repeat what I said)
w.imp: I thought you did not mean to do this. THIS is a teaching moment and I got to emphasize to g.imp that you really should read everything before you sign it...

Sooooo, at the zoo today, I get girl.imp and 3 others young ladies in my group.
I texted my concerns to wife.imp:

me: ...there are 4 girls in my group. What happens if I have to visit the WC?
w.imp: well, you take dem in there with you!
(imagine lots of chuckling and laughing here!)
me: do you know that name of a good public defender?

Clothespins...

2007-10-07T18:57:00.000-05:00

I found a handfull of these badboys this a.m. on the dining room table and since wife.imp was busy cooking, I decided to hang as many of them off of her clothing as I could, until she either told me to stop or I ran out of clothespins.

20 minutes later I decided to pluck them off of her clothing...and she informed me that she knew what I had done but decided not to say anything.

****

In other news, I have to admit that sometimes girl.imp does not desire to get up in the a.m. to go to school. In fact, she will sleep as late as possible and is sometimes willing to show up to school late. As a younger version of myself, I can remember tossing a pot full of ice water on my brother to wake him up. I have poured water on girl.imps head and flicked cold water on her back with my fingers but am finding that ice cubes down her underpants...that tends to get results!!

Boy.Imp Speakes

2007-10-04T23:05:00.000-05:00

wife.imp: You need to eat all your food if you want to grow up to be a big boy!
boy.imp: Mommy, am I a big boy now?
wife.imp: Not yet! You are still my little boy!
boy.imp: Then it's hasn't really worked yet has it?

So we were eating out of 'The Bucket' for dinner last night...

2007-10-01T19:35:00.000-05:00

Wife.Imp: Where's the cole slaw? Why don't we have any cole slaw?
Me: I got mac'n'cheese instead?
Wife.Imp: Why would you do that? We always get cole slaw! We get cole slaw even before we get--we get that! (pointing at the mac'n'cheese)
Me: (trying to salvage any dignity) Imps, this is where your mom should show that she is thankful to have a big dinner. (It didn't work).
Wife.Imp: (grumbling - giving me my last chance) Do we have any coke?
(no you criminals--the soda pop)
Me: Nope, no coke...we have water..?

picture from: http://members.cox.net/lendys/lendys5.htm

Boy.Imp is going to be soooo disappointed this year

2007-09-26T12:27:00.000-05:00

Before we get to that, I arrived home around 11:45pm from work last night and found boy.imp asleep on the couch cushions on the floor of the family room while wife.imp cruised the internet. What has been the usual sleeping arrangement (both imps sharing girl.imp's bed) appears to have come to a crashing halt last night when girl.imp kicked b.imp out of her room and slammed the door shut.

But it worked out in the end as both imps were asleep, I went and tucked b.imp into g.imp's bed!

hahahaha--and woke up this a.m. with him squeezed inbetween myself and wife.imp. This arrangement is b.imp's preferred as he gets the middle and I end up 1/2 on and 3/4 off the edge of the mattress.

---

So I am driving b.imp to the sitter's this a.m. and he starts the following conversation:
b.imp: Daddy, guess what? While mommy was talking with Ate Ayi, she took my shirt off and she took my pants off and my underwear...

me: mmmhmmmm

b.imp: and then she almost put me in the shower with my socks on!!

me: wha? hahahaha

b.imp: ok, be we should not laugh at her anymore. She'll get grumpy again...

Back to Christmas Gifts that are not to be:

Grandma took one look at this idea for a Christmas gift for boy.imp and harshed on my ongoing high:

NO WAY!!

So instead of boy.imp getting this fabulous Engine from www.DiscoveryStore.com, I'll have to settle for getting him a Red Rider BB gun!

The Rivalry is Not Dead!

2007-09-23T14:37:00.000-05:00

For several years now, I have been a proponent of supporting the 'team up North' until the week of 'The Game'. At which time, recently, I have taken a great deal of satisfaction in Buckeye wins.

But watching the 'boys in blue' lose in November is no longer good enough. Not when they are responsible for girl.imp's having to seek therapy while still in pre-school!

Yep, the 'Team with the Ugly Hats' is going to pay for my baby's bi-weekly, hour-long sessions!

How did this happen? Much like anything else, it all started so innocently:

g.imp: I'm going to have to root for Michigan!
me: WTF??
g.imp: yeah, I have to root for Michigan because their team's colors are the same colors for my school.
me: No, no, nononononono! You don't HAVE to root for them...
g.imp: Yes, I do. We have the same colors.
me: Well, you better not let your grandfather or uncles here you say that. Otherwise they'll tell me that I have to take you out to the backwoods somewhere and leave you...

Approx 30 seconds later the wailing started and g.imp collapsed into a sobbing heap and refused to move.

And, yes, I blame Michigan!