It must be in our family's blood!

'Atta boy! That's my nephew in the cap putting the beat down on the opposing QB! (ok, the kid actually tripped over his own feet, but the picture is GREAT!)




and we managed to eke out a win!
(apparently neph.imp's team was not doing so well until the coaches all volunteered for extreme haircuts if the imps won their last three games. Mission Accomplished!!)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY GIRL.IMP!!

Now what are we going to do for boy.imp?

More Head! More Head! More Head!

Sunday:
Since we have already determined that my life is not the ultimate porn movie this dialogue did not surprise me as many of girl.imp's past statements have. In fact, girl.imp was 'in character' and attacking me with her life-sized Pluto doll.

Is it the season or are the imps actually this spoiled. Both will now sulk, cry, fake cry and wail at the drop of a hat (and they are usually the ones dropping said hat)!

Saturday:
We went to Tumbleweed for girl.imp's pre-birthday night out at a restaurant (she wants to go to Bob Evans for the real deal) and actually had a good time. Except that the waitress assumed that she need not arrive tableside until 10 minutes after we were seated and then return 10 minutes later with drinks (at which time she spilled two lemonades on boy.imp) then returned 10 minutes later to take our dinner orders...

approx. 40 minutes later our food arrived...

To put this in terms of the vaunted American Couch Potato, we were seated at about 3 minutes into the 2nd 1/2 of a football game and were served with about 2 minutes left in the 4th quarter (In baseball terms 4 innings would have come and gone).

I asked wife.imp to include the tip as I felt certain standards were not met and the Automatic Tip Subtraction Calculator in my head was flashing (in bright red numbers) $0.01.
Wife.Imp felt that was too low for girl.imp's birthday dinner tip and tried to argue me to a higher total.

In the end I told her to '...do what makes you feel better or do the right thing...' concerning the final tip amount.

w.imp did not tell me what the total was but I suspect she left a final total that was somewhat higher than my proposed sum.

KIDAR ALERT!!

Well it must be the weekend again! It is almost Friday morning (Letterman is starting in 15 minutes) and the imps are at it again!

girl.imp set a new family record (set previously by girl.imp) of taking a 45 minute shower. Now before you go all Village Bezerk on me, I would like to stress that the actual time g.imp spent standing under water was less than 5 minutes (including getting soap in her eyes). The remaining 40 minutes were spent running around the Playground in her unwashed birthday suit. I believe she was making up for the lost time this morning when I yanked her out of bed and into the car inside of 10 minutes (yes we woke up a tad late. but in wife.imp's defense she actually dreamed she was up and about and running on time...)

Girl.Imp is now sleeping on the sofa because she has an 'upset' tummy and since she normally (since the start of the school year) falls asleep by 9 p.m., we are giving her the benefit of doubt.

Boy.Imp tried to match g.imp's new shower record but after 15 minutes I peeled him off of the toilet and plopped him into the shower (fool me once....)

Now he is in his room screaming incoherently about his not being able to sleep and why cannot myself and wife.imp drop everything we are doing (she is playing spider solitaire and I am blogging--important grownup stuff here) and see to his every need? After all he is CUTE--and spoiled.

Yes, I admit that we have spoiled our imps. We blithely strolled down the road of good intentions and...

What is really bad is that we both had smiles of satisfaction when he stopped pronouncing words and just screamed in rage. It means that in a couple more nights (if our willpower is stronger than b.imp's - which is debatable at this point) we'll have imp-free evenings!!

Until then, I am going to be very low key about wife.imp's impending trips. That KIDAR is much too accurate at the moment!

Dear College Football Coach,

I realize that recruiting for major Division 1-A players is a difficult process and that coaches are scouting athletes of younger and younger age groups. In order to take some pressure off of your 2023 recruiting class, I would like to direct your attention to my imp.

I know that he is not yet 3 years old and might not have the height of the prototypical Division 1-A quarterback but based on how he was zipping his plastic football across our living room last night, I believe he has the requisite arm strength.

While you might argue that you have received enough verbal commitments for this class and cannot offer another scholarship at the quarterback position, this is not a problem. My imp is versatile and can play many positions. Along with having the arm strength to compete as a quarterback, my imp also has the mentality and toughness to be a big name Linebacker. During our session of toss and catch, my imp showed that he was not afraid to take on larger players in order to go after the ball, delivering several forearm blows to my trachea in the process.

Another strength my imp possess is an unnatural reserves of energy. His ability to wake early and spend the entire day running up the stairs and down the stairs and around the house, without the need for a nap or a bedtime before 12 a.m. are clear indicators that he will be able endure the rigorous and competive schedule of Division 1-A football with the energy to compete well into the fourth quarter of your games.

Thank you for your possible future interest and we will look forward to our campus visit in 15 years.

Sincerely,

Father of the Heisman 2026

Dear Wife.Imp,

I am posting this note in case you try to call home later this afternoon and find that we are not there. However we are not going shopping, otherwise I would have called and ask for any items you might want.

No, I just found out that we have too many items sitting on the shower shelves in our bathroom. This fact was brought, rather painfully, to my attention when I was replacing the soap (and subsquently cleared the shelves of every other item). After I was able to clear the soap from my eyes and blood from my toes, I replaced the 8 shampoo and body wash bottles, 1 can of shaving cream, 1 razor, 1 painter's brush, and 4 kids toys back in some semblence of order (actually to be honest the total number of bottles of cleaning products and kids toys left in our shower has been drastically diminished).

The good news here is twofold: a) I do not believe I am in immediate danger of losing any digits, b) the new limp has evened out my walking gait.

Sincerely yours,
.....

Minor Rants

Sister.Imp is off on her honeymoon. Jamaica. One Week! When wife.imp and I walked down the aisle we did not have a honeymoon! Hell, we did not have any time off from work. Both of us went back to work the following Monday!

Color me Jealous!! Envious!! The Green-Eyed-Monster has arrived in the Playground!

---------------------------------

ESPN:
Where does this network get off by putting the NUMBER 1 team in the nation on its UHF cable channel?
How many people are going to go out and plop down $50+ bucks to pay for this channel? I mean I would sooner watch Late Night Cable Access channels!

Yet I am less upset by the heavy-handed tactics utilized by this network than I am at the University to which I funnel much of my (ahem--and wife.imp's) hard-earned money every year. How is it possible that the university officials sat back and said, 'Put our team on a channel it would take an inveterate explorer and the 'luck 'o the Irish' to find? In the middle of the season? And, in so doing, totally hack off the largest alumni association in the country?
Where do we sign?'

How is it possible that anyone thought this would be ok? Let's face it. ESPN-U is for those schools who still only get the Big 3 networks and still operate TV programs on the UHF band!!
I am still researching how to curse these people with very painful boils and/or plantars warts!!

-----------------------------------------

Why is it that the Imps will quietly jump in the tub and bed for wife.imp but when it is my turn to direct them at the Sandman, they turn into running targets...LOUD, PROTESTING, RUNNING TARGETS!

------------------------------------------------------------

Lost Items
We tore our house apart during the last two weeks. Our personal phone book and w.imp's passport were listed MIA. The phone book has been unseen since last Spring. The passport was a more recent casualty.
When I say that we tore the house apart, I did everything but take the decorative borders off of the drywall and wife.imp was at the point of scratching the walls with her fingernails. We emptied shelves, dresser drawers, kitchen cabinets, boxes, the imps bedrooms.

NADA !

So tonight wife.imp just happens to turn an envelope (manila) upside down and 'LO and BEHOLD' guess what the Blue People have left behind?

I am not going to ask why is everything is always found in the last place one looks. But I am going to ask why is it the last place one looks is also one of those places one looked into at least 2-3 times prior?

Do we have random strands of time vortices zipping through our neighborhoods?


-------------------------------------------------------

Who comes through the neighborhoods at night planting all those mushrooms in my yard?? And how can they grow damn big in only 2-3 days??

Events Surrounding My Sister's Wedding

Positives:
1) Unlike at my cousin's first wedding, when we arrived we did not see the groom being restrained by the best man, preventing him from 'opening a can of Whup-Ass' up on the bride's brother (since myself and my 2 brothers are actually the Bride's brothers, you can imagine our relief).
2) The imps behaved.
3) Girl.imp was the flower girl (pictures to be posted when we actually have any. It seems somebody forgot to pack the camera...)
4) Several of our relatives commented on the 20 minute ceremony (reminding us that sister's ceremony was NOT as long as a certain Catholic ceremony that they sat through 12 years ago--I would put this in the negative category, but, since I was a member of the audience this time, the shorter ceremony was appreciated)
5) Several relatives showed up that we did not expect to see.
6) Because we hosted my brothers at our house, our house is now mostly clean

Negatives:
1) We showed up at the church 21/2 hours before the ceremony for pictures our imps missed out on lunch. (we eventually left and were able to feed the imps but lost our premo parking space)
2) During the ceremony Girl.imp insisted on sniffing her armpits while standing in front of the church--MORE.THAN.ONCE!!
3) My older brother lost the card that our great aunts entrusted to his care after the ceremony. OOPS!
4) We discovered both imps love to DANCE.IN.PUBLIC (thus bringing home the nightmare that will become my future!!)
5) Somebody forgot to pack the camera and we do not currently have pictures of this event. We will gave pictures but not as soon as we initially hoped.
6) Everyone in the family knows of my lack of rhythm and inability to keep time...ANY time. Thus it should not have been a surprise to the bride that I planned to leave after the dancing and drinking (did I mention that wife.imp and I do not drink?) got into full swing.

Sister-Bride made a personal appearance at our table forbidding us from leaving early. So the latter 1/2 of the reception sucked. I sat and stared at sister until she disappeared (after all, I wanted her to be aware of our presence) then we left.

7) Somehow our TV switched channels (I was recording the game) and I lost the last 3 minutes of the OSU v MSU football game, with no hope of getting them back--EVER!

"...but mommy! I'm crying!!"

I had boy.imp in bed and mostly quiet when wife.imp rolled home from work. For the next few hours boy.imp ran in and out of his bedroom.
'I want a drink'
'I want Mozart' (he goes to be listening to Mozart -- what a boy!)
'There is a bug on the wall'
'I'm hot'

and on and on...but every request was finalized with 'go back to bed'.

You might have guessed boy.imp was not entirely supportive of his curfew and was trying to wear us down. After all, if he was not downstairs, then who was going to have fun playing with his toys.

In fact he was getting downright frustrated. After all, who were we to rain on his parade when he was working his ass off to get out of bed.

So then the wailing started. It started at the top of the stairs. It went down the hall. It went into his bedroom and GOT.LOUDER.

Then b.imp came running out of the room and issued his proclamation.

A week full of memories and bad internet connectivity has reduced them to the following one...

For what it is worth, we have had intermittant internet connectivity at the Playground this week.

So, what has happened?

wife.imp went to Boston on Tues. (a one day trip). So, girl.imp's kidar goes off at 3:30 a.m. and she wakes up wailing becuase she had a 'bad' dream.

What was this dream, you ask?

girl.imp: (wailing) mommy! MOMMY! I had a bad dream!
wife.imp: shhhh...I'm here. What did you dream.
g.imp: I dreamed you went to Boston and that you stayed there for two days!!! (renewed wailing)

Yes. You read this correctly. Girl.imp woke the household at 'too-effing-early' in the a.m. because she dreamed that wife.imp was going on a two day business trip.

There have been other events over the last week but this is what sticks out in my memory at the moment.

The Phone Call that makes one Proud to be from a Large Family

brriiing--briiing


me: Imp's residence

sister.imp: You know, I do not appreciate getting a phone call, 9 days before my wedding, from my sister who tells me she got a call from my eldest brother, who lives in Illinios, telling her to tell me that he is not going deer-hunting with 'brother-in-law' on the day of my wedding and that he will attend my wedding, because he got a phone call from one of my other brother's telling him that I was told that (eldest brother) was going deer hunting on the day of my wedding!!

me: (laughing...I was actually having trouble breathing too!)
s.imp: I really did not need this extra-stress 9.DAYS.BEFORE.MY.WEDDING. I am already stressed out as it is!
me: (laughing)--so brother.imp called sister.imp and she called you?
stressed out s.imp: ...yes?
me: because she called me to sell me popcorn for her imp and she told me that she was going to call eldest brother to sell him some too.
s.imp: she sold you popcorn? We are not allowed to sell it until Oct. 15.
me: Really? Then she called me and got my pre-order for the popcorn.
s.imp: really? you didn't buy any from my imp
me: he didn't call me. Tell you what. When he is allowed to sell the popcorn have him give me a call.

I called the eldest sib and confirmed that he was not going to miss the wedding (I don't know. Just how do these rumors start). In fact he informed me that he would have asked sister.imp if the wedding ceremony would be over by kickoff (OSU v MSU kickoff at 3:30 p.m.)

Here I am with my previously long hair...

I do not currently have a photo with the shortened tresses...

Ok, diana, you and wife.imp have worn me down!!

...so about 9 years ago I had a stressful day at work and had a headache (I was still in 'Office Monkey' work mode) and saw an open beauty salon on the way home. I pulled in and told the unfortunate woman that I needed a haircut.

me: Use the size two clippers. all over.
clip.imp: um, are you sure
me: yep! take it all off!
clip.imp: ok...are you really sure about this?

This haircut took about 45 minutes because every three seconds the clip.imp would stop and verify that I was not about to sue her for denuding my head!

Why do I bring this story up now?

Because I woke up Sunday late, with a headache, and sore throat, and was not feeling good at all. My solution? What will make me feel better? Let's go see the clip.imp!

So I went to the beauty salon (I gave up going to the barber after my first trip to the Philippines) on Sunday and asked for a hair cut.

Now this time I did not ask to be remade into the image of a cue ball with a spiky red bristles. No, this time it was sized 41/2 clippers!

I look smokin!!!

Now should I get a goatee or a Burt Reynold's 'stache? (in classic orange-red of course!)

Weekend Update

Sunday:
Wife.imp has been at a loss to purchase something nice for my sister's wedding. It looks as if sis wants more practical items. While wife.imp understands this desire, she views weddings as the opportunity to acquire those pieces that can be 'showcase' items that gain in value as they age.

Soooo, after struggling to find something that qualifies both as practical and 'showcase', she turned the job over to me. I went to the store where sis was registered and inside of 15 minutes (I had to buy new boots, a ps2 for the fam, and decided to toss in a pair of slippers for me) I had the gift.

No fuss, no muss and the box makes it easy for wife.imp to wrap!

JOB.WELL.DONE!!


or so I thought...

While wife.imp picked apart my choice (a coffee maker that was identified as desireable on the list of registered items...apparently sis is not a coffee drinker--who knew? It WAS on the list) she then asked if I:
a) scanned the barcode for the registry (HUNH???)
Yes those columns of numbers on the side of the list actually mean something. Perhaps reading the document for more than the listed items would have been beneficial AND scanning the barcode on the list apparently updates the list in order to reduce chances of someone duplicating our gift.

again...WHO KNEW?

I think this is something that women inherently know. They just seem to absorb this info out of thin air.
b) got the register's Gift Certificate, in case sis accidently placed this item in her registry and needed to return it (or as wife.imp pointed out--perhaps more than one party would purchase this item as it was not annotated as being already purchased on said registry).

Saturday:
Two hours before game time (OSU v IOWA) the neighbor.imp came over and asked of girl.imp could go outside and play. As it was still daylight outside and the rain had not yet arrived, I was forced to allow this intrusion into my gameday preparations.

Then boy.imp wanted to go outside. So then I HAD to go outside. We have no t.v. outside. MY gametime was slowly eroding away as the imps tried to throw rotten apples at each other or smack each other with sticks. WAY.MORE.FUN.THAN.FOOTBALL
Thankfully the thunderstorms arrived 45 minutes before gametime!!

Friday:
The imps finally got hair cuts and boy.imp actually looks like a boy!