Summer at the Playground

Some of you might have noticed that the clamor from the Playground has been somewhat diminished. No, I am not burnt out, just out of circulation for, what might soon be agreed, good reasons.

Good Reasons for Decreased Blog Presence:

1) Some amongst you might remember that in late May my laptop crashed. Completely had to be reformatted and right after that the Fam and I went to the Republic of the Philippines for a long awaited family vacation.

Upon returning, I spent many long hours playing catch-up with work because we left the imps in a Manila suburb. Yes, you read this last sentence correctly. The imps spent the summer 10,000 miles from home. However it is not as bad as it might seem. They were probably better treated over there than they would have been at a baby sitter's over here. In fact I am sure of this because they spent their summer with my imp-laws.We have photos (or will have soon. So I expect that much of my future posts will be pictorials of their vacation).

2) Work, Work, Work: Because of reason #3, I spent most of my time on the road, often not getting home until 11p.m. or later...aaaaaand, I repainted our main bathroom along with installing a new doorframe/door. Then we (me) sponge-painted both imps bedrooms. If you have done any sponge painting you know three essential facts:a) blemishes in the walls are mostly hiddenb) minimum of 2 coats of paintc) sponges are not known for precise painting and therefore EVERYTHING must be taped, even the ceiling.

3) I knew that at the end of July, I would be going back to Manila for a week to bring the imps home.

Yep, while many of you were enjoying Blogher in Chicago, I was in Manila enjoying in-service massages (and these are the type of massage service that you can 'write home to mama' about), nights out on the town, with some of my imps-in-law (if you are ever in Manila go to Chef and Brewers for the live bands), and the newly opened Water Spa with the 20+ massage stations (while this is a first rate facility, the air-bubble butt massage was not amongst my personal favorites).

Notes from the imps vacation:

1) Boy.Imp is potty trained!! He has abosolute bladder control!! We believe that the heat and humity of the Islands had more to do with this change than anything else.

2) Our imps do very well on long plane rides, it is the time inbetween rides that is somewhat concerning:
a) lines at immigration are there for the imps' personal amusement. B.imp even volunteered to go home with a guy standing in line behind me because he claimed he had more 'toys' at home than we apparantly did. Actually since he did not volunteer this info but only answered after b.imp interrogated him, creepy is not the first label I am using as descriptive for this guy. Third or fourth maybe...
b) if you actually go into banks to conduct any business you are often routed through a maze of poles and flat, nylon ropes. The ropes are not of interest for this point. The metal poles, specifically the reflective nature of the bases of these metal poles are the main focus. Because this is what b.imp focused on, after he backed up to one of them and pulled his pants down so he could admire the reflection of his butt...

3) My imps-in-law are wonderful hosts who are the epitome of class. Thank you all for hosting us and our imps this summer!!!

Sunday Rants

First thing we noticed as we pulled into the Church parking lot on Sunday were the 3 policemen. Yep, the Fuzz was all over the lot. Ok, two officers were standing under a shade tree while one officer ran his butt off trying to ensure that people actually parked in such a manner as to not block off 3/4 of the lot from other drivers.

Tough to imgine? Picture trying to park at your local grocery but on that particular day everyone who arrived prior to you parked in solid, unbroken lines in every single space around the outer edge of the lot. Now move that lot, every Sunday, outside of our Church.

So, while CopA ensured we had ample parking Cops B&C were totally engrossed in their conversation. I did wonder what they had to be saying (sorry Tony. You can skip down the 'The Math Lesson'):
CopB: So, I hear the Buckeyes are going to have an off season
CopC: Are you fuc--freaking kidding me? They practically returned everybody on defense...
CopB: Defense? Defense won't save them. Look who they lost on Offense. The Heisman Trophy winner! Their top running back! All of their top receivers! They'll be lucky to finish in the top ten!
CopC: Top ten? They'll be packing for the title game when they go up to beat Michigan!
CopB: Michigan? You think they're going to beat Michigan?
CopC: Yes! Michigan!
CopB: Jeezus Christ..!

(Ok Tony, you can start reading here...)

The Math Lesson:
So after Mass we went shopping. After going through the store and paying for the items, wife.imp noticed we were not given the 25% discount on a couple of items. They were originally $12.99. Since we already went through the checkout, we had to suffer with the Customer Service line. After haggling with the lady behind the counter for awhile wife.imp turns to me and asks (loudly): 'Do they even teach math in schools anymore?'
Me: hunh?
wife.imp: Do you think they might teach someone what 25% of $10 is?
Me: Oh... (in my head I am multiplying 10 by .25. Ok, It would have been simpler to reduce things to 25% of $1 and then adding zeroes, but I like seeing the numbers spinning in and out of the columns in my mind. I did get the correct answer within 30 seconds tho')

Apparantly wife.imp was given an incorrect dollar amount by the lady when she tried to do the discount from $12, so wife.imp asked her to start at the discount for $10 and was told that the discounted amount was $.25.

I am not sure of the process but apparantly the lady started with 10 on the calculator and subtracted 25% (ie: .25) and noticed that the amount left 9.75 and blithly announced to wife.imp that she just saved a quarter.

I moved further down the counter while wife.imp addressed Introduction to Math 050 to the CS Lady. I was just happy that I got the answer correct.

Blog Anonymity redux redux

Location Search Term

Canada: che (?????????)
Sexy Imps (see powell, ohio below...rrrrrrrow!)
h (??????)

United Kingdom: dalek colouring (silver are the foot soldiers and black is the #1 dude, but it's gone now--killed by the other 3 members of the Order of Skaro- the question here is 'does this answer or the three following search terms disturb you folks most??')
perfect pooing position (preferably with nether regions exposed and arranged in such a manner as to not involve your lower extremities in this activity)
wet skirts (bad aim. too bad)
Boy bothering cows (i'm starting to be vaguely disturbed by my British visitors)
dream im having a pee then wet the bed (I'm told Depends are useful here)

France: Neighbors form hell 2 on vacation (there is a funny story here, isn't there?)

Powell, Ohio: keegan connor tracy oops (-90 second break while I google something-)

Douglasville, GA: abbott & Costello…herd of cows (nope, but Mike Rowe herding cows, pigs, ostrich--hell, Mike Rowe herding anything is funny!)

Columbus, OH: dog-faced imp (you poor poor dear..)

Tokyo, Japan: perfectworld?item cheat (wasn't perfect world a reality t.v. show?)

MIA at the Playground

I know this summer has been crazy with slow posting on my part but I would like to shout out to some of my favorite bloggers in hopes that they shall soon return:

- Kidzoo.blogspot.com (aka: Undercover Angel) it has been too long since you blessed us with your sarcastic wit!

- Sweatpantsmom.blogspot.com: Hope your over-informed frontal lobe suffers a little amnesia and you return to us soon!

- Stuckinelmosworld.blogspot.com: Diana? Hope all is well and hurry back so I can get this 'Candle In the Wind' song out of my mind!

- confessionsofastagemom.blogspot.com: Just when I was starting to get really really interested in disco...

- mrsfortune.blogspot.com: come on! seriously now! we are not as addictive as reality t.v.????

- whoduhthunkit.blogsome.com: Can you STILL be too tired??

thank you...

The House Always Wins

We are enjoying wife.imp's high school reunion (the Chicago iteration) and between gatherings I got to go to a local casino and lose $40 to the house. I was up $39 on the $.25 slots but pressed my luck and lost it all.

But this is not the 'house' I wish to discuss. We left on Friday and I had thought I got everything that wife.imp verbally listed Thurday evening. However Thurs. I advised her that I would be at my dad's in the a.m. on Fri. and if she could email me, I would check while I was there.

So, on Friday, no emails. I called her office and got her voicemail. Sooooo, I went with my memory and thought I did a pretty damn good job. Until I did pick her up and listened to her questions about the new list...

To dos:
1. Please bring the 80s CDs with you. There should be 5. If you can grab Hall and Oates, James Ingram, Ryan Cayabyab (one voice), APO hiking society as well as best of Gary Valenciano, that would be nice, but don't kill yourself over it. (check if the CDs are inside the cases, some of them may not be - would be great if I have some "singable" CDs - some of them may be in the CD holder in my car or in the big icebox that holds the stuff from the van).
OK. I got the 5 80s cds and several Filipino artists-although not the ones she specified. I did not check inside the cases but have been pretty lucky this weekend as the few that I have opened have held the proper CD.

2. Can we bring a cooler/icebox in case we get some tocino etc???
Yes. I even put grapes in it for snackage.

3. We have an ATM here (wife.imp's workplace), we can just get cash here.
Ok, I did take some cash out myself as well.

4. Can you bring our checkbook? Also can you get the account number of the joint checking account we have with Ate Glen? I need to make sure the bank doesn't start charging us because I moved over the direct deposit. I can call the bank on the way.
Ummmm...

5. Don't forget the cell phone charger.
Ummmm...(however I do have a charger in my car at all times)

6. don't forget to check the thermostat - not sure if we need to have the AC on all weekend.
Ummmm...

7. Could you also bring the IKEA catalog that is by rachel's door? I could do some of that during the drive.
Ummmm...

8. timers for the lights?
Ummmm...

Don’t forget my stuff: A. huggies box that has all the lotions/soaps to give away, the brown envelope on top of it (I did get this!!)

(you can put this in the suitcase pocket--I did not do this) and the white plastic bag that has the white bags that I need to sew buttons on on the way up there tonight (need to be accessible from car--YES! I am on a roll)
B. Gift bag for Rhoda and family
???????

C. all my clothes on the floor downstairs (plus razor and shaving cream) - please note too that I have the black folder with the pad of paper in that pile also. Yes I would like to bring that.
Everything on the floor in said pile was scooped into a suitcase!

D. toiletries - toothbrush, toothpaste, deodorant
Got these too!

E. Coke and water and snax
I got the grapes and the icebox...

Wet Dreams

I can remember a time when these dreams were exciting. Those pre-sex nightly flights of fancy that included the cheerleading corps., that flautist sitting in the 3rd chair from the left in the marching band, or the student teacher that liked to lean over one's shoulder as she answered questions about homework...don't even get me started on the young ladies who ran track wearing white t-shirts or shorts during practices, in the rain...

Yessiree, those flights of fancy racked up many, many frequent flyer miles.

Speaking of flights of fancy, I was dropping my dad off in Zanesville (he was meeting his brother for work) at the Bob Evans parking lot. In the lot across the way there was this elderly gentleman who stalked the lot by himself. Well, technically he was stalking the lot with his invisible friend, Lenny.

I like to call him Lenny because he looked like a Lenny to me. Yes, I realize that I stated that this person was invisible and no, I could not see Lenny. I just know that this was his name because while watching the elderly gentleman gesticulating and yelling, I thought that he was being awful hard on good 'ole Lenny. However Lenny stood up to the abuse rather well and did not seem to really mind all that much.

Another memory crossed my mind while watching Lenny's public humiliation. I remembered that one year while a member of the high school concert band I had my own group of invisible friends (re: Distractions). The thing with high school concert bands is that if one plays a 'low brass' instrument (trombone, tuba, baritone) then one's music is rife with silence. Yep, we often played music where I had a series of long notes followed by interminable stretches of NOTHING.

NOTHING. Just sitting there and holding my instrument in the ready position. So, during practices I would let my eyes wander. During one of these interludes a fly kept buzzing me and after it was gone (as I had gathered an audience) I pretended that it was still around and that eventually morphed into my staring at corners of the practice room at odd times. Eventually I was asked (by those sitting near me) what I was always staring at. As they were sitting near me and knew there was no fly, I had to make up something plausible. So, I introduced them to my invisible friends 'Ma and Pa Kettle'. The Kettles, it seems, recently moved into the band room and were setting up house and I was always catching site of them in the midst of unappropriate activities...Band practices just flew by once the Kettles moved into the neighborhood.

But I have digressed. I had originally wanted to discuss Sex...No, that is wrong. I was discussing wet dreams.

As a lad, wet dreams consisted of sex with any girl that caught my fancy. And as I fancied any girl that wore skirts (and most girls wore skirts at one time or another I had lots of dreams)...

But wet dreams now are slightly more insidious. Yes, I still do dream about bare legs and skirts (sorry dear, I am still a guy..) but mostly now these dream involve me and another activity. Yes, during these dreams I am running around looking for a place to pee.

Your eyes are not decieving you, I am trying to pee in my dreams. This in and of itself is would not trouble me, but I have discovered that I am having these dreams because I really do need to pee, but have not yet awoken. The really troubling aspect of these dreams is that I am constantly waking up on the verge of having a real good pee (and yes, sometimes when one has a real good pee, it is as good or better than sex). Then upon waking up I have to run, not walk, not dawdle, but run to the bathroom.

So, I guess what I am trying to say is that I am starting to really, really be concerned about constant repitition of these (presently dry) wet dreams.

around the playground:

I decided that our swingset was too old and rusted and it needed to go. I started taking it apart two weeks ago and last week removed everything except the main frame. This week I hope to get to this...

In the meantime, I removed the old door frame on our bathroom (as the door never latched the the frame was beehived with old 'adjustments') and repainted (sponged again) the walls and installed a new door/door frame. The frame is set absolutely straight. But the door is sticking. My BIL suggested a hammer might shift the frame. I am thinking 'yes' to the hammer but might add another nail or two to the mix.

wife.imp's car needed an a/c recharge. In the meantime the service shop also recommended about 2K in other 'maintenance'. I only hope this car is work this much. Dennis might have to dust off some very old skills and tinker with the motor...

I had me some other thoughts that I considered somewhat pithy, but they have slipped my mind.

So have a good weekend...

Reunion Dress Code

There has been a buzz in the air for the past year concerning wife.imp's high school reunion with her American-based classmates. As the reunion is iminent there has been a running dialogue about "What can 'I' wear?" amongst the prospective attendees. As this issue has been rencently put to rest, I thought I would pass on to you 'The Dress Code':

The following can be worn at the reunion:
· Any apparel which is particulary revealing such as bareshouldered sundresses, mini-skirts, etc.
· T-shirts
· Tank tops
· Blouses (no mesh or crop tops)
· Collared shirts,
· Polo shirts,
· Sport shirts w/collars
· Shirts without ties

· Sweaters
· Vests
· Sport coats
· Blazers

· Jeans or any type of denim apparel
· Overalls
· Casual dress pants (dockers, chinos, khakis)
· Slacks that are more than 3" above the ankle
· Sweat pants and/or workout apparel
· Spandex
· Shorts or city shorts
· Skorts
· Skirts that are more than 3" above the knee
· Skirts

· Clothes with slogans or large logos and/or Camouflage print

· Dress shoes
· Dress shoes or non-athletic shoes, including dress sandals
· Athletic shoes
· Sneakers
· Hiking boots
· Combat boots
· Beach or "Birkenstock" type sandals
· Flip flops (thong slippers)

But please no formal attire, such as evening gown!