I pulled away from the driveway with both imps screaming...

...and I did not feel the slightest bit guilty (sorry honey). I was not feeling the slightest bit sorry because I was heading to a 'parent mandatory' school function (on an empty stomach--but to be fair I started dinner a tad too late).

I was running a little late because wife.imp got caught in traffic and was delayed (but no phone call to let me in on the new timing--I know, I know. If the situation was reversed wife.imp would have read me the riot act).

So why were the imps crying? Because I thought they would have to come with me and instead of a gourmet salmon meal, I was taking them to McDonalds and as we walked out the front door, wife.imp pulled up...

...and I left her standing there in the driveway with both imps screaming and wondering if the neighbors were going to call Children Services...

I didn't do it, but still caught hell from its happening...

Yesterday the imps went to visit the neighbors. While there, boy.imp does what every boy eventually will do when around dogs. He stepped in the poo and then ran around not noticing the smell.

When he came home, he ran around inside (shoeless) and when we were going outside later I noticed a ripe smell and pinpointed his shoe. So we went outside and I swiped at the offending material with a stick and a paper towel and figured that he'd wear the rest off as he ran around outside.


So we spent about 45 minutes outside with boy.imp running around and girl.imp and I tossing ball (baseball--a really really soft, rubbery baseball). And after a bit the inevitible missed catch, ball bounces off of nose/eye/forehead event occurred and we rushed inside to put ice on the booboo and wait to see how large the black eye would be.

No black eye.

My comment to girl.imp: So what was it that we learned today?
g.imp: to...to...to keep the ball between...to keep the glove between my face and the ball.
me: exactly!

What should have been the lesson learned?

Clean the poo off of the shoe before wife.imp finds out and yells at you!

I forgot the 'Code'

at a reading of the humorist David Sedaris, I forgot the 'Code' and embarrassed wife.imp. Yes, this is the 'Code' that is hardwired into women's DNA and so baffles us knuckle-draggers.

This is the 'Code' that women use during arguments that grants them perfect recall of the tiniest details of some ancient transgression that, at the time, barely blipped the radar but during the heat of the moment--total victory.

This is the 'Code' that allows complex and lengthy discussions to occur between women with the twitch of an eyebrow, a look, pursed lips or the way a woman curls her hair around her fingers.

wife.imp noticed a women wearing a mini-skirt and breathed the following comment into my ear:
You know, it's true what they say that a woman should not wear a mini-skirt past 40.
me (loudly): Oh, I don't know
wife.imp: no it's true
me (loudly): I mean look at Teri Hatcher. She's over 40 and can wear a mini-skirt

Wife.imp put several more inches of empty space between us at this comment. I was later to learn that there was a women who appeared to be over the age of 40 who was wearing a mini-skirt AND standing right next to us...

I did manage, however, to keep my mouth firmly shut as a woman in fishnet stockings in the row behind us managed to inform all present how proud she was that she could afford MEMBERSHIP to the local museum (so can about anyone living in our city) and then she spent 30 minutes going over the plot (badly recalling its high points) of the latest episode of 'The Office'.
I have to admit that I actually watched that episode and if it were anything like how she described the action, I would never watch another episode. Happily I can admit that the show was much, much better than her description (and I am not really a fan).

*****
boy.imp: Mommy, am I Filipino?
wife.imp: yes, you are.
boy.imp: is Daddy brown?
wife.imp: no, daddy is not brown.
boy.imp: Then he's not my daddy...

Wife.Imp called it a teaching moment...

Last week girl.imp brought home a permission slip for a field trip to the local zoo (www.colszoo.org/ -- I really recommend the flying foxes [RE: really really big bats from the Philippines]) and I filled out the forms and sent in the money, and apparently the money necessary to be a volunteer for the trip.

I was working Tuesday when wife.imp calls me and asks what my plans for Wednesday were (my work is fluid as far as the schedule goes and sometimes I have work weeks in advance sometimes my plans change while going to work). Nothing was planned for Wednesday.

wife.imp: Oh, good! You just volunteered to chaperone g.imp's field trip tomorrow!
me: (I cannot repeat what I said)
w.imp: well, you apparently filled out the permission slip and paid to be a volunteer.
me: (realizing that extra blank did look a little funny) I did?
w.imp: and guess what I got in g.imp's school folder today? "Dear Mrs. Imp. Thank you for volunteering blah blah blah.."
me: (I cannot repeat what I said)
w.imp: I thought you did not mean to do this. THIS is a teaching moment and I got to emphasize to g.imp that you really should read everything before you sign it...


Sooooo, at the zoo today, I get girl.imp and 3 others young ladies in my group.
I texted my concerns to wife.imp:

me: ...there are 4 girls in my group. What happens if I have to visit the WC?
w.imp: well, you take dem in there with you!
(imagine lots of chuckling and laughing here!)
me: do you know that name of a good public defender?

Clothespins...

I found a handfull of these badboys this a.m. on the dining room table and since wife.imp was busy cooking, I decided to hang as many of them off of her clothing as I could, until she either told me to stop or I ran out of clothespins.

20 minutes later I decided to pluck them off of her clothing...and she informed me that she knew what I had done but decided not to say anything.

****

In other news, I have to admit that sometimes girl.imp does not desire to get up in the a.m. to go to school. In fact, she will sleep as late as possible and is sometimes willing to show up to school late. As a younger version of myself, I can remember tossing a pot full of ice water on my brother to wake him up. I have poured water on girl.imps head and flicked cold water on her back with my fingers but am finding that ice cubes down her underpants...that tends to get results!!

Boy.Imp Speakes

wife.imp: You need to eat all your food if you want to grow up to be a big boy!
boy.imp: Mommy, am I a big boy now?
wife.imp: Not yet! You are still my little boy!
boy.imp: Then it's hasn't really worked yet has it?

So we were eating out of 'The Bucket' for dinner last night...

Wife.Imp: Where's the cole slaw? Why don't we have any cole slaw?
Me: I got mac'n'cheese instead?
Wife.Imp: Why would you do that? We always get cole slaw! We get cole slaw even before we get--we get that! (pointing at the mac'n'cheese)
Me: (trying to salvage any dignity) Imps, this is where your mom should show that she is thankful to have a big dinner. (It didn't work).
Wife.Imp: (grumbling - giving me my last chance) Do we have any coke?
(no you criminals--the soda pop)
Me: Nope, no coke...we have water..?





















picture from: http://members.cox.net/lendys/lendys5.htm