Here's a Question for all you Gearheads

Yes, Diana I am speaking to you (or through you to your hubs).

But before we get to the motorhead question of the year, I thought I would bring up a difference between the imps' generation and my generation.

In playacting with fake guns, the imps will often supply the following sound effects:

B'yoom! b'yoom! b'yoomb'yoomb'yoomb'yoom! (accent on the 'b' and up an octave on the 'yoom')

Say it fast enough and it sounds like laser guns firing.

When I was growing up and playing with fake guns, our sound effects went much like:

Bang! Pow! bangbangbang! powpowpow!

My imps' sound effects are sooo much cooler!


Ok, back the $800.00 question:

My 2001 Ford Escape (yes 4x4) was roaring up a hill near the Playground and just simply stopped its forward momentum. Sitting on the side of the road it idled between 200-500 rpms (for those of you who do not bleed grease when cut, this means the car was trying its best to stop running).

I can tell you what was not wrong (our mechanic spent 4 days playing with the motor and was about two more bruised knuckles from giving up and then stumbled upon the solution).

Not the cause of the malfuntion:
1- Bad Gas
2- Faulty Fuel Pump
3- Blocked Fuel Line

So (motorheads, diana or diana's hubs) what was the problem?

(no, I was not charged $800 for repairs. After all, I did not have to go to a dealer for any work! The final bill was much, much, much lower!!)

More Holiday Stress (or why does daddy like to throw gasoline on the fire?)

Yes, I am back with more info concerning our Christmas "vacation" trip. When we last broached this topic, I was up the Proverbial Creek, no paddles and, as Jenny and Diana informed me, with no canoe either.

So there we were in Northern Illinois, 10 hours from home, and wife.imp was recovering from her recent shopping trip with a sedate lunch out. We were heading out to pick up her best friend (and his wife) from college (Ateneo de Manila University) who was also visiting relatives for Christmas.

So upon arriving at the restaurant (in the middle of lunch rush because we got lost on the way to the friend's house) wife.imp only had enough time to recount the 'Present' snafu 3 maybe 4 times.

Skipping forward in time because the imps were loud, whiny and did I mention loud?, I was rushing out to get the van fired up so we could escape the 'Evil-Eyed' stares of those diners the imps had not chased away.

Just as I reached the exit, girl.imp catches up with me and tells me that boy.imp needs his diaper changed and that wife.imp was having me change the diaper because she was enjoying time with her friends and because "...You owe her big time."

Exact quote. This is the type of quote that should send chills down your spine. The type of quote that should have mandatory sub-titles in flashing neon: DANGER, RUN--DON'T WALK, FLEE DAMMIT, DON'T LOOK BACK! PRETEND gir.imp DID NOT CATCH UP WITH YOU!

But no, I looked back at the table and there is wife.imp holding boy.imp up in the air waving him back and forth, smiling. Everyone at the table was smiling. And it was now too late to pretend I had not made eye contact!

Boy.Imp's pants were soaked. Absolutely, literally, dripping wet. Oddly enough the table top was dry. When I say soaked, I mean dripping from the bottoms of his shoes, his socks everything. It was as if he were dipped into a tub of water and handed to me. Ice cold water too. He was soaked and his pants were cold.

He sat through lunch, peeing what could only have been, what?, 2 liters, and not once did he complain. Not until his pants had time to cool down.

So into the bathroom for a quick change (but because daddy has had experience with more than one imp, he keeps a spare change of ...pants only in the diaper bag). So there I am, in a strange town, with a bag full of diapers and soiled clothes, in the middle of December, with my 3-year-old and no extra socks, no extra shoes and my own personal audience waiting for me outside the door.

Yes, wife.imp got a 2-fer that day. Dad forgot to pack a complete change of emergency clothes for boy.imp and was caught short--yet again.

However, there was a Wal-Mart not 10 minutes away. And now I am one of those folks. I would dress my son up in the dead of winter and take him shopping barefoot to the local Wal-Mart. I also would have him stand barefoot, in only his diapers while we tried on clothes in the middle of the Boys department.

Come on over folks, bring your cameras! Daddy is about to parade boy.imp up and down the aisles for your amusement. Admission is FREE!


Can you believe it is 12-years together and still going strong!!!

You're a No-Good, Grinch-like, Bastard of an Uncaring Christmas Mood Killer Dad!

Yes, that is right. I did everything possible to screw up Christmas for the imps. And I almost succeeded.

But Dennis, you seemed to be sooo into your imps. What happened?

Well, I apparently happened. Or as my brother put it, 'It just goes to show you how much he does not love his kids...'

How? How you might ask?

Well, we decided to keep the annual tradition of celebrating Christmas at my older Sib's house (his wife likes to decorate gingerbread houses with the imps).

So, two days before we leave, wife.imp is frantically purchasing last minute gifts and wrapping everything right up to the night before we leave. She even has special paper for 'Santa's Gifts' (I am supposed to get rid of this so the imps do not find it. It is hidden in my desk at the moment. But do not tell the wife, she does not know yet).

The day we are to leave, wife.imp has to go to work for a 'few hours' and believes she might be home by noon, at the latest. (It is raining and I do not relish driving all night to the northern end of Illinois in this weather only to unload the van in the wet in the early a.m.) Around 1 p.m. I am seriously considering cancelling the hotel and staying home for the holiday. When she calls after 3 p.m and advises that she is on her way home, I start rushing our luggage to the car. Having worked from a list, we only need wife.imp's clothing contribution and we are out the door and on the road!

When she calls after 4 p.m. (her commute usually lasts 30 minutes at worst), I detect a slight trace of annoyance in her voice. After her 5 p.m. call (an accident closed exits along 5 miles of the highway and she has been routed an extra 30 minutes in the wrong direction) I am seriously wondering if this weekend is going to be worth the effort.

However, even under the imps watchful eyes, I packed the car (did I mention I was working from a list?) with the presents for the nephews...wife.imp had gifts wrapped for our kids (both from us and from Santa) but knowing we would be going to the grandparents the day after Christmas, I left them in their hidey hole so that the little ones would have something to unwrap infront of the grandparents.

Did I mention that THE LIST I was working from was written expressly for my by wife.imp?

The afternoon prior to 'THE DAY' as we reclined in my elder brother's living room in Northern Illinois (a full 10-hours from our house!!), wife.imp looks at me and asks, 'Where are their gifts? I don't see the imps gifts under the tree.'

me: (smiling) oh, they're at home. I thought we'd bring them to mom and dad's Tuesday.
w.imp: Why would you think that? I mean...geesh! I spent..! What are they going to have to open tomorrow? Shit! Are they just supposed to sit there while everyone else unwraps gifts?
me: (not smiling) ummmmmm
w.imp: Now what--I have to go shopping.

brother.imp: (this is my younger brother who is not being very helpful) Ooooh, the day before Christmas! The malls will be full too! and bad traffic!

Thanks Bro! I see the family tradition of 'When you see a sibling in hot water, you make a nice soup!' has not been forgotten!

So wife.imp takes the family van out to the malls (in a city we have been to all of 5 times our entire lives, during one of the busiest days of the year, when all of the worst drivers are on the road flagrantly displaying their road-rage driving skills-- all by herself). My punishment? I got to sit at the house with the kids, waiting for wife.imp to come back from the latest shopping trip and gift-wrapping fiesta with her Christian spirit intact.

Oddly enough, gift-wrapping usually makes wife.imp glow and her mood brightens like the noonday sun. I was less than confident that this trip would replenish her sparkling mood, and when 7 p.m rolled past with no wife.imp to be seen...

As she later informed me, there is 30-plus years with this story. I believe I can expect to have it pulled out, buffed and repeated each and every year, probably when we start setting up the Christmas tree.

You ever get an idea in your head about how easy something is going to be??

I had a dead tree fall down in my back yard...Ok, I was going to talk about being Bunyanesque and how two days later I felt like the Tinman who had rusted....

But let's talk about my former neighbors: Bill and Anita Drumm.

They have THE COOLEST halloween displays year in and year out. Apparently the local gendarmes actually drove by with the loud speakers announcing their approval...Pix next year folks.

'But Dennis, this is Christmas! Why on earth are you babbling incessently about Halloween?? Why Dennis? Why? If my pencils were sharpened I would be stabbing them in my eyeballs now...'

Because Bill likes to dress up like Santa for the local schools and elderly in the neighborhood. This by itself is worthy of a blog, but not todays. No today Santa made a housecall!

The imps were screaming! Not words, just sounds.

Time-Hasteners - Final Edition

So the final Six have arrived just in time to bring in the Holiday Weekend with a minimum of stress (are you listening honey? a minimum of stress...)

6: http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=9186670810343559618 - William Shatner 'sings' "Rocket Man".

5: http://www.alteringtime.com/features/misc/?p=baggins - Leonard Nemoy sings the Virtues of Bilbo Baggins!

4: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OnczcDaYB2I - After this, I truly became a fan of Disco (and computer animation!!)

3: http://www.capsteps.com/ - The Capitol Steps. It does not matter your political views, Liberal, Conservative, Repbulican, Democrat, you will be mocked as the opportunity presents. Right now we have Bush....(but remember we once also had Bubba)

2: http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/drum.php - This is a must see, all day event!!

1: http://addictingclips.com/Content.aspx?key=EF73DC171C345DB4 - You might never trust your computer again - Learn to fear runaway programs!!


Bonus Time-Hasteners!!

a: http://albinoblacksheep.com/flash/animator - The original runaway program.

b: http://www.freeonlinegames.com/play/1833.html - Mambo music and Chinese food. You never really do get too much of this and you will find yourself going back for more!!

Oh Yes! Wife.Imp IS a Joy-Sucker!!

Now before you guys start with the bedroom eyes, envisioning crushed, red-velvet curtains and wall hangings, a king-sized, heart-shaped bed (that vibrates), and cheesy-1970s soundtrack playing in the background, let us just say that the the only thing I know of named Joy, works with Barbara Walters on 'The View.'

So, how is it that wife.imp is now known as 'Joy-Sucker' here at the Playground?

We were on our way to Church this a.m. and discussing what girl.imp could do career-wise with her penchant for drawing (and perhaps enrolling her into art classes this summer).

wife.imp:...you know if you want to be an artist you can go to school to be a Graphic Artist and not have to worry about being a starving artist. (Tony this sound familiar?)
girl.imp: Huh?
me: mommy is sucking the joy out of being a Starving Artist, honey!
girl.imp: Mommy is a Joy Sucker!

Is it proper to 'cheer' the 'death' of daddy's baby? or should we call it the benefits of a Treadmill!!

10:30 p.m. Wednesday

Upon arrival to home from a day of touring Ohio, boy.imp called me to his room.

b.imp: goodnight daddy

(hugs & kisses)

b.imp: daddy your baby is dead.
me: my what?
b.imp: (pointing at my stomach) your baby is dead!

woohoo, I am actually doing some good with the excercises!!!

Yea, me!!