Can you guess what I cannot find anymore?

Fresh Fruit!!

I realize that fruit is seasonal. But would it really kill stores to implement some kind of quality control when stocking the fruit in their displays. I am not asking for much. I do not need anything cutting edge. But for the love of Pete! Please implement something that can be trusted--like visual inspections! You know, actually looking at what is being placed on the shelves to verify that the fruit is not packed in hairy molds.

For the past two weeks I have been forced to reconsider my fresh fruit fetish and have even settled for eating (to put the best possible spin on the matter) 'mature' fruit. While I have enjoyed eating certain fungi, I do draw the line at molds.

In my despair I even tried eating canned (sic: soggy) fruits or (gasp) frozen fruit. Yes sir! There is nothing like starting the morning off with the taste of freezer burnt produce to complement that freeze-dried coffee.

So with the dawn of a new week, I will regroup and with new hope venture forth in my quest to find fresh fruit (or even edible fruit).

Did I just get booted off of my high school reunion planning committee?

In reading posts concerning class reunions, it has become clear that the At-Home dads seem to be in the majority of those who favor prospect of spending an evening trapped in an elevator with the MIL with no air conditioning more so than the prospect then spending a few hours with old, high school classmates.

I am among the minority in this issue. While I have considered boycotting my reunions, I have diligently gone to every one but not because of any overwhelming desire to have fun. It's more like I will not let those rat bastards who made high school years among the least fun in my life classmates I was not friends with keep me from attending. Let's call this Spite.

In my family I am the 2nd of 3 boys of whom the eldest seems to enjoy attending his reunions, therefore we will not be focusing on him.

Our youngest brother's (OYB) viewpoint concerning reunions not so accommodating. Looking back when dad told OYB that the high school years were supposed to be the best years of his life, I am surprised there was not a murder, suicide or a murder-suicide. I believe the last invitation OYB received was returned with a two word response. The words were a Verb and a Preposition suggesting what in another context might be an enjoyable activity.

My guess is that OYB will not be asked to be on the next reunion's planning committee.

As you might have already guessed, I also was not among the 'Heathers' select group. I also did not hang out with the jocks, the preppies, the punk rockers (whom later became the skaters), the band, orchestra, choir, geeks, or druggies.

On a side note the druggies once asked me when I quit using. They told me I exhibited all the classic signs...and they were the experts. I would like to state here and now, I never used then or now. Scout's honor.

The reason for this post? None really. I am home, it is late and I just read an old email I sent to our reunion organizer. It was sent in response to her asking if I would not mind being part of the planning committee. Moi?

So I accepted...however I did not want to come to the table empty-handed. This is where I think I made my mistake. This girl lives in New Jersey and comes back to Ohio for every reunion and I have to say that for the most part they have been pretty damn lame (she organized only the 15-year reunion).

The 5 year: was located in the 'party room' of a tiny diner. One can imagine the size of the 'party room'...My bathroom is bigger than the dance floor. We also had a buffet of cold cuts! I am not shitting you. The food served at our high school reunion was a buffet table full of cold cuts! I mean possibly for $5 more we could have gotten a bucket from the Colonel!

The 10 year: Two words: Moose Lodge!

You know folks, I know I grew up in the Appalachian foothills where shit-kicking foot gear was actually used to walk through .... on the farms. Therefore, I honestly did not have high expectations. But cold cuts and the f-ing moose lodge!!?? Why not set up a still so we can drink corn squeezin's and have square dancing all around??

Year 15: This was nice...real hot food! Nice dance floor, tables with real linen with actual china!

However it did cost more than $10 per person...

Back to my mistake. When I agreed to be part of the planning, was it wrong to point out how people recently told me that they felt the 3rd reunion was too expensive?
(I did go to great lengths to explain that I did enjoy the 3rd reunion and wanted nothing less than to repeat the location or something comparable)

Regardless, I have not heard word one. Do you think I went too far too soon? Am I still on the committee? Not that being off the committee is really such a big loss...I mean worse comes to worse, we know where to go for lunch meat...

Wunder Kids

We have been concerned for some time about just how smart g.imp is. My belief is that once she hits her stride in school she will move ahead a grade or two. How do I know this?

Before she hit Kindergarten, I had her reading and doing math at a second grade level and I did not have to force her to do the exercises!

So today g.imp is working through her math:

g.imp: mommy how old will I be in 50 years
w.imp: how old are you now
g.imp: 6
w.imp: so if you add 50 years how old will you be
g.imp: I don't know 60 (this would by the red-neck side of g.imp's family asserting itself)
me: what is 6 numbers higher than 50
g.imp: let me see...51, 52, 53, 54, 55, 56--I'll be 56!
me: good job (so if g.imp did not retain the Asian gene for advanced math, where did it go?)
b.imp: in 50 years I'll be 52. (ahhh, there they are!)

Ahh the Benefits of a Well-thought and Well-Reasoned, Thoroughly-Practical Grounding

I had this big boring blog about being an introvert and books and references to Paris Hilton, Sandra Bullock and nude scenes...

But the imps have intruded into my thoughts, much like my reading time (a post for later).

Benefit 1: It seems that g.imp has finished her Beverly Quimby book and nearly completed one of the Harry Potters. Now one might think a 6-year-old is breezing through these books looking for pictures. However, g.imp takes what she reads seriously.

She has already commented on the differences she found betwixt the text and the film. She questions how names are pronounced and why this character is bad/good.

Now that she has embarked on this journey, I cannot wait to introduce her to Tolkein's LOTR series and 'the Hobbit', ER Eddison's 'Worm Ouroboros', Ray Bradbury's books, Alex Haley's 'Roots', Zane Grey, Tony Hillerman, the original Dragonlance Series, Larry Niven's 'Ringworld', Frank Herbert's 'Dune' series...

Benefit 2: G.imp has improved her negotiating skills.

Just the other day she commented on how impressed she is with my decision making skills. Yes, g.imp feels that my '1 week' without t.v. was ...well...perhaps a tad hasty. So she requested that in future I consider limiting, not her t.v. time, but her t.v. viewing options.

g.imp: Dad? Next time instead of saying 'no t.v. for a week' why can't you say no cartoons or, I know! Why can't we watch 'The Discovery Channel'? That's educational! You can let us watch and we'll learn something!

I am fully aware of what happens when the inmates start running the asylum. However, it is really really hard to argue against her logic. We also have NGEO, History, and the Food Network.

I almost agreed with her on the spot! Then I realized that she did say 'the next time'. That really does imply what I think it does, right?


p.s. In the realm of Arts and Entertainment, I went to bed at midnight after watching the 1st 1/2 hour of the Def Leppard movie. The wife imp just 'reamed' me for:
a- turning it on at midnight and leaving her alone to watch it
b- the fact that she could not just turn it off. She was 'invested' in it even though it was predictable and bland
c- sleeping while she tossed and turned because she stayed up too late watching a movie she never in a million years would have watched on her own.

Remember when punishment was not a weekend at the spa?

Do you remember when you quaked at the sight of mom and/or dad coming to 'lay down the law' and/or voicing the following, 'You are grounded!'
I can remember times when those words alternately sent me into fits of rage and frustration and fear. Fear that my friends would forget about me and become strangers when I emerged from my enforced imprisonment. I remember screaming (in my thoughts only) 'I hate you!' or 'I wish you were dead' or the ever popular 'I wish I had different parents!'

Yes, those were the good 'ole days...

Today's imps (specifically mine) seem to be made of sterner stock.

When g.imp was 2 or 3 and refused to clean up her toys, the wife imp and I cleaned her out. Black plastic bags filled never to be seen again! We anticipated wailing, the frantic search of the house, begging for her toys back...and we were right--for the first week couple of days few hours 15 minutes anyway.

Not once in the past 3-4 years has she ever asked to have her toys back. Not f-ing once!! (Notice the disappointment here? Is it bad of me to feel let down when the desired reaction from the imps does not materialize? Am I a horrible father for wanting them to feel bad?)

Other attempts at punishments also seemed to be equally humorous to our imps:

-Early bedtimes: Hey, more time to read (g.imp is currently reading 2 Harry Potter and 1 Beverly Quimby books).

No t.v. for a week: Not even missed. As a matter-of-fact, g.imp will stand at the top of the stairs and announce:
'Ok, turn the t.v. off, I am coming downstairs now!'
(baseball has now be grandfathered in as acceptable t.v. time during this period of duress)

No playing with her best friend: Hey dad, can we call 'classmate imp' and schedule a play date? or 'Can I call grandpa?' or b.imp and imp huddle together and sing, dance and, when I am not in the room, I can feel them plotting together like French underground freedom-fighters to turn their punishment into revenge!

It is only two more days until the imps can once more be turned loose on society and I can already hear the faint strains of 'Le Marseillaise'.

One would think I could learn...

Things that I really need to learn as an At Home Dad:

1- Remember that b.imp is still in his diapers.
I decided that we would not hang out in the 'ole homestead today. Being as warm and sunny as we have not seen in recent memory, I thought it would be nice to take the imps out. Go to the library, do some shopping, perhaps go to a park.

We made it to the library and g.imp noticed 'Story Time' was in full swing. We had no schedule to keep so we slipped in to listen. Three things were very, big-pimpl'ishy obvious:
1- There was only one other man (with child) in the room.
2- Most of the mommies came in pairs (even to Story Time at the local library? I really need to make more friends)
3- Every other parent in the room had a diaper bag! At first, the fact I clued in on this confused me. I have a diaper bag too. In fact, we have two of them. The backpack diaper bag is in b.imp's room. The other bag...was not in my hands and as I thought back not in the car either!
No, I left the bag on our dining room table. So it was a short stop at the library and then back home and instead of the park we decided to go watch our babysitter who was finishing up her last day at Cheer Camp. Yes, g.imp really, really wants to be a cheerleader (thank you Kim Possible)!

2- When taking an afternoon trip, remember that the imps will tend to nap.
Yes, once more we reached our afternoon destination only to find that the imps were snoring away in the back seat. I tried everything; clapping my hands, slapping their legs/tapping their cheeks (wouldn't do to have someone passing the car and 'seeing' me 'beating my kids senseless' in the parking garage!).

Of course just about the time I give up, the imps wake up and we really do have to make the trek from the car to the cheer site.

3 - When on an afternoon outing, Snacks are somewhat necessary
Skipping forward past many boring events we arrived at cheer camp and watched as the cheer teams strutted their stuff. First I want to apologize to anyone who was ever a cheerleader or ever dated a cheerleader.

But how many times can someone be expected to watch the same routines without their brain hemorrhaging in self-defense? The back flips and back somersaults--nice athletic moves. However they could not hide the fact that every single school (some with as many as three teams) gave the same, exact cheer! We made it for almost 45 minutes, saw our babysitter's cheer teams (they must have done something special because their ovations were LOUD) and then left.

4- Do I trust or Do I not trust what the imps tell me?
On the way home the imps were begging for something to eat and to be fair it was after 5 p.m. So I promised them milk shakes if they promised to eat their dinner. Everyone was happy.

Until g.imp decided to end the conversation with:
'Results might vary.'

Some days the only good imp is a sleeping imp!

There is a hole in the wall behind my sofa. If a termite colony had a fire drill and all the little pests left via one opening, it would be the size of the hole in the wall behind my sofa.

There is dust the floor behind my sofa and there is dust on the back of my sofa from the hole in the wall behind my sofa.

There is glue drying under the hole in the wall and in the dust on the floor and on the back of my sofa.

There is a chalky paste dried on the blade of a letter opener that was used make the hole in the wall behind my sofa that created all the dust that fell on the back of my sofa and on the floor behind my sofa.

The reason I was given for the chalky paste that was dried on the letter opener and for the dust that fell on the floor behind my sofa and for the dust that fell on the back of my sofa and for the hole in the wall behind my sofa and for the glue drying under the hole on my wall behind my sofa???

w.imp: the termites peed on your wall daddy.


Friday was not a good day for us here in imp nation. However, I did find the cure for the frustration: