Oodles of Badoodles...

Our SIL has been staying with us for a while and gave boy.imp a shower recently. After which they came downstairs and regaled me with how his badoodle poked out of the side of his briefs after he did a brief hip-shaking dance.

This then turned into:
sil: dennis, when you have to pee how do you (gesture of moving clothing)...do you move your underwear to the side? (It took me a little bit but the gesture was that of pulling the seam from the leg up and over, thus freeing, the applicable parts)
me: No you just poke it through the hole in the front or hook your thumb over the waistband and pull down
sil: but with briefs don't you?
me: I don't wear briefs anymore...wait a minute. you've been married for what...20 years or so. Haven't you ever seen...
sil: NO! I could never...
me: well after 14 years I can go in and pee infront of wife.imp if I need to. You have to remember, guys are lazy. We want to find and use the easy way...

I'll hit you in your nuggets!

Yep, I made that threat to girl.imp because she was 'massaging' (re: hitting--albeit lightly) her brother's back and I told her to stop.

g.imp: What nuggets?
me: Your...you don't have nuggets.
g.imp: you mean that tube-thingy that you and b.imp pee out of??
me: wha??
g.imp: I'm going to hit you in your badoodle!
me: my what?
g.imp: Your badoodle...That means your armpit!

(of course armpit was a last second replacement...)

From around 'the Playground'

girl.imp has advised that we should be Obama supporters come November's election. In exploring this newfound interest in politics on g.imp's part we determined that her support of Mr. Obama stemmed from two sources:
1) He would be the first brown president in the United States
2) His commercials about 'that other guy' McCain are funny

and it is really hard to argue with girl.imp's logic!

I met a couple from Ottawa yesterday on my way home from work. They were traveling to Nashville to visit with their son and wanted to avoid Columbus, Ohio during rush hour. And, no offense intdended Mayor Coleman, I agreed with them. So I told them about the largest Amish Community in North America (which was approx 1 hour away) in Holmes and Wayne Counties and then I noted that they were only 2 hours away from Hocking Hills and Old Man's Cave.

After pointing out numerous routes designed to take them well off of the beaten path, I started back to my car. About the time I reached the 'office on wheels' I realized that their maps were practically useless for avoiding getting lost whilst enjoying life off of the beaten path.

Oh, sure. We all know that it is impossible to stay lost on an Ohio backroad as they all lead to a larger Township Road which connects to a County Road which will, eventually, route one to a State Route or a US Highway.

But did this couple know this? their maps were blatantly devoid of all the back-country roads and how to route back to their eventual destination. I, on the other hand, know most of the routes and how to get around (I had a map that lists all of Ohio's backroads and main routes and I did not need it). So I trotted back to the couple's car and essentially told them to have fun and to use my map. I then hurried away so that they would have had to chase me down in order to give the map back.

and as out-of-shape and fat as I am, I was betting I could still hustle just fast enough to keep them from coming after me...

So Post Vacation...

We arrived home to find our refrigerator (we think it was original with the house) had passed beyond acceptable into the realm of week-old, sweaty, gym socks that have baked in the sun for a month.

Niiiiice. I'll stop here while you sip your coffee and think back on the old high school gym lockers at their worst, which is still better than this.

So, day two of the return home included purchasing a major appliance for our home. Then, in the spirit of continued spending, because the house needs a face-lift (interior and exterior) we purchased a small tree and flowers plant in the hole left by a Maple tree that had succumbed to Carpenter Ants about 4 years ago.

In the meanwhile, the imps are transitioning very slowly from the 'Vacation Indulgence' back to, 'eat more healthy food because it is good for you' lifestyle.

Vacation in Canada

Yes, we went to Canada for our family vacation this decade. Montreal to be exact and let me just say one thing. The subway (metro) system here ROCKS!!

Can you ask for a more simple, easy-to-use, any dummie can use it, system? If you can, I would sure like to find out how!!

Ok on the down side: Hotel Rooms and Fancy Restaurants. We would like to think we can take our imps out to eat (sans fast food atmospheres). We would like to think that we could enjoy an evening before bed in a hotel room.

We forgot to think, what would an 8-year-old and a 4-year-old think?

We found out.

It was not pretty.

Wife.imp told me that my constant hissing was more annoying than the imps. I told wife.imp that my constant hissing was because I was condensing my ''You kids better sit your ---es down in those f... seats and button those --mn lips before I button them up for you and nail your ---es to the chairs"rant into the only viable voluable option available to me.

After giving me the 'Stink Eye' wife.imp turned around and started hissing at the imps...

I chose not tell her how irritating that sound was.

day 1 recap:
-visited biodome. Took tearful and pleading imps from gift shop, sans gifts.
-visited insectorium. Purchased toys for imps and two pocket umbrellas (both imps comandeered the umbrellas claiming they would look after/carry them). left on bus for metro.
- discovered umbrellas left behind at bus stop.
- returned to bus stop. wife.imp and imps saw umbrellas with strangers but I got off bus and looked at bench, chatted with park attendant and missed umbrellas. (purchased 2 more at a metro shop later same trip-wife.imp and both imps currently blaming loss of umbrellas on me.)
- girl.imp breaks harmonica. It still plays (people in next room will attest to this)
- boy.imp tears sticky feat off of bug toy. (now just a plastic bug toy that no long clings to walls, etc... Will probably leave it in room next to empty tin of condoms we found under the bed)
- decide not to walk barefoot in room while on this visit.

Trouble Brewing at 'The Playground'

It seems that girl.imp was laughing and encouraging a neighborhood boy to try and get a dog to pee on the girl (g.imp's most frequent playmate in this neighborhood) who lives across the street from us.

Then she almost rides her down whilst we are out on our Trikkes.

Dennis has not been very happy with the imp this weekend. The problem with punishment is that g.imp is not a computer fan, not a t.v. fan, not a play and get sweaty fan. She does, however, read. So now she must read 5 books (approved by wife.imp) and give verbal reports (approved by me!). I am also starting to place limitations on girl.imp until I can trust her judgement again.

I only wish I had a garden (when I was growing up we had one 50 yard wide by 25 yrds deep) for g.imp to weed.

****
We ate at a restaurant the other night and boy.imp needed to visit the Water Closet. As soon as we are in the door he makes a beeline for the sit-down toilet. So I go through the process of cleaning off and papering the seat (yes, since the discovery of gravity, there are grown men out there that are not much concerned with aim) and paper the seat for the young imp...Who then informs me he only has to pee.

Great, I go and wash my hands and wait. He then finishes and washes his hands then informs me he has to go potty again. This time he wants to sit down..!!

May I Speak To the Man of the House?

Unknown Telemarketer: May I speak to the person who makes the .... decisions for the household?

me: That's me until wife.imp gets home.

ummm, This is Mr. Bush? Mr. ... Bush?

me: Yup! That's me!

ummm, Mr. Bush, is Mrs. Bush home?

me: nope. If she was, she would be answering the phone to take this call. But she's not, so I am free to answer the call and make any decisions that seem necessary at the moment.

uhmmm, ok. Mr. Bush, I am blah blah blah (insert name and sales pitch and sales item here) and if you take advantage now, we can install it in up to 4 rooms for free!

me: Suhweet!! That sounds great (in this case they were wanting to sell me a digital satellite subscription)!! My brother and my father have those tv's that have the super large screens and are super thin. The picture quality is fantastic! All digital!

so, your brother and your father have ___ digital satellite service?

me: no, no, no. They have those flat screen tv's with liquid digitalized thingimabobsy tech. The pictures are incredible and the screens are like 60"!

and they do have digital satellite service?

me: no! they have cable. I think they have cable. One of them might have satellite. We had satellite growing up but dad took down the dish and installed an antenna, so I think he would have to have cable and the antenna as a backup...Boy, digital satellite and in 4 rooms!

yes sir, that is correct and --

me: and we get free hookup with four digi-liquid-techy tvs with it? Cool! I cannot wait to tell the wife what a deal we got! I cannot wait to get rid of this old tv that runs on cable...

um sir..that hookup is for 4 rooms only

me: I know. 4 tvs. Of course we would want them in separate rooms. I mean that would be pretty silly to have 4 tvs all in one room!

uh...actually sir we would only be providing the hookups for the tvs in the 4 rooms. We would not actually be providing you with 4 new tvs.

me: no tvs?

no sir.

me: if you're not providing me with the tvs, then why would I want to have 4 more rooms wired for them?

uhmmm, well, sir, if you were to buy additional tv's you could then hook them into the outlets in any of the four rooms.

me: yeeees...I see...

uhm, now sir, if I could just verify the information that we have....

me: Uhmmm, you'll have to call back and speak to my wife. She makes all the decisions for this kind of service in our house. Thank you.