She spent over 3 hours (sometimes fending off the imps sometimes allowing them to help - girl.imp stabbed the cake just to make sure it was not going anywhere) decorating the cake. She then took a short break as I gathered the materials and set them up for all to enjoy.
From the moment I uncovered you at the store
I knew you must join us at our home
and that I must have you and then have you some more
I had to possess you for you were what we needed
That you and not Comrade Radish had what I sought
that deep, gleeming, royal coat of red
Your pungent presence and sharp bite
slices made softer by frying in the pan
created a perfection that only you made right
Future meals I had planned with you in mind
But now Frustration and Futility wear on my soul
for nowhere searched did you allow me to find
Where O where my royal red onion have you fled?
Why have you spurned our passionate desires?
Will I find you before your aroma awakens the dead?
and it has been that way for years now. We have crap (sorry honey) STUFF packed away in our house for ....well for the new house. I have to admit that wife.imp and myself would never win awards for the 'Cleanest House In the Block' or even for neatness.
I should stress that we are not living in a house with an aisle from the front door through the family room (with alcoves for the furniture) into the kitchen, bath and bedrooms. We do not share our food/space with nature (at least not knowingly and when nature rears her ugly head inside we/I throw down immediately and beat the bitch out).
But we do have boxes in closets that have not been opened/moved since the day we moved in. We/I have clothes we/I will never wear again. Toys are hiding in various nooks and crannies that have not been moved since the great Dust Bunny Revival '03.
So I recently went and purchased several large sized plastic boxes and informed wife.imp that I am no longer content with the current room layout (I want more space!). Therefore I will be filling boxes and moving them to the garage (re: staging area) until more permanent decisions can be made (re: spring arrives and I start piling things up for the trash pickers/trash collection trucks or a possible Yard Sale then piling things up for trash pickers/trash collection trucks).
I am not going to ask. I have several items on my list of 'Things That Must Go'.
Sentiment and Value have no business in this cleanout and have been given the Pink Slip. Dad is in charge of 'Spring Cleaning' and Dad and Dad alone is making the decisions....
BUWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA....
But yesterday the fam left 'The Playground' to visit the grandparents and to watch the Buckeyes completely dismantle 'that team from up north'.
However I noticed that during the game that boy.imp was resting his head on wife.imp's chest. Later during the day I cornered wife.imp in the kitchen:
me: do you realize that boy.imp's head will fit in your bra?
There is still some slight bruising to my left arm...
Today wife.imp and girl.imp were about to go shopping and I was rough-housing with boy.imp (who now likes punching things). I made the mistake of rolling onto my back as he started his swing. He adjusted his aim and ensured that there will be no more imps born into our family.
Just so that you know, girl.imp likes to wake one up, in the early morning, by breathing on one's face. I just hope her future spouse is more tolerant than I am...I do have to admit that this is a fairly effective system of waking one from a deep sleep.
Both imps like to announce when they toot. Boy.imp takes it a step further and likes to toot then reach around behind him and 'grab' the toot so he can then 'throw' it at someone...
Yesterday the imps went to visit the neighbors. While there, boy.imp does what every boy eventually will do when around dogs. He stepped in the poo and then ran around not noticing the smell.
When he came home, he ran around inside (shoeless) and when we were going outside later I noticed a ripe smell and pinpointed his shoe. So we went outside and I swiped at the offending material with a stick and a paper towel and figured that he'd wear the rest off as he ran around outside.
So we spent about 45 minutes outside with boy.imp running around and girl.imp and I tossing ball (baseball--a really really soft, rubbery baseball). And after a bit the inevitible missed catch, ball bounces off of nose/eye/forehead event occurred and we rushed inside to put ice on the booboo and wait to see how large the black eye would be.
No black eye.
My comment to girl.imp: So what was it that we learned today?
g.imp: to...to...to keep the ball between...to keep the glove between my face and the ball.
me: exactly!
What should have been the lesson learned?
Clean the poo off of the shoe before wife.imp finds out and yells at you!
Last week girl.imp brought home a permission slip for a field trip to the local zoo (www.colszoo.org/ -- I really recommend the flying foxes [RE: really really big bats from the Philippines]) and I filled out the forms and sent in the money, and apparently the money necessary to be a volunteer for the trip.
I was working Tuesday when wife.imp calls me and asks what my plans for Wednesday were (my work is fluid as far as the schedule goes and sometimes I have work weeks in advance sometimes my plans change while going to work). Nothing was planned for Wednesday.
wife.imp: Oh, good! You just volunteered to chaperone g.imp's field trip tomorrow!
me: (I cannot repeat what I said)
w.imp: well, you apparently filled out the permission slip and paid to be a volunteer.
me: (realizing that extra blank did look a little funny) I did?
w.imp: and guess what I got in g.imp's school folder today? "Dear Mrs. Imp. Thank you for volunteering blah blah blah.."
me: (I cannot repeat what I said)
w.imp: I thought you did not mean to do this. THIS is a teaching moment and I got to emphasize to g.imp that you really should read everything before you sign it...
Sooooo, at the zoo today, I get girl.imp and 3 others young ladies in my group.
I texted my concerns to wife.imp:
me: ...there are 4 girls in my group. What happens if I have to visit the WC?
w.imp: well, you take dem in there with you!
(imagine lots of chuckling and laughing here!)
me: do you know that name of a good public defender?
Wife.Imp: Where's the cole slaw? Why don't we have any cole slaw?
Me: I got mac'n'cheese instead?
Wife.Imp: Why would you do that? We always get cole slaw! We get cole slaw even before we get--we get that! (pointing at the mac'n'cheese)
Me: (trying to salvage any dignity) Imps, this is where your mom should show that she is thankful to have a big dinner. (It didn't work).
Wife.Imp: (grumbling - giving me my last chance) Do we have any coke?
(no you criminals--the soda pop)
Me: Nope, no coke...we have water..?
picture from: http://members.cox.net/lendys/lendys5.htm
Ours started off around 1 a.m. when I realized that we had ignored dishes for 11/2 days and that we probably ought to run the dishwasher. That being done, I went to bed and woke up around 5:30a.m. with the pressing need to spend time on the porceline throne, aaaaand after 10 minutes of staring at the empty towel rack (deciding it was time to do laundry today) I went back to bed.
Only to have my body bloat up again around 6:15. Same result.
Around 8a.m., wife.imp woke me up and informed me that today was a school day. I rushed to wake up girl.imp and get her started dressing, etc...I specifically told her how late we were to get her in panic mode (never happens and did not happen again today), then heeded my screaming bowels and spent a productive 10 minutes or so in the restroom.
On exiting I slipped on my flip-flops (God's gift for footwear) and found girl.imp sitting down to the table with a bowl of cereal and todays comics.
UMMMM, LATE?? We do NOT have time to eat.
I should have told her that we would be stopping for donuts and chocolate milk enroute because we suddenly had time for a full-fledged meltdown.
and tonight is open house when the parents get to meet the teachers. We should probably make the effort to arrive a little early...
Then we get home and I rush boy.imp through his breakfast (which meant squashing the slice of bananna bread flat and eating bananna pie--his treat for me) and running to the hardware store to return some items for other items. I only realized I left the returns in the car and that I would have to go back for them when our turn to move to the front of the Returns line came up.
After getting the new items boy.imp and I returned home to install (a 5-minute job at best) and I spent the next 30 minutes trying to fit a floor register into the whole in the bathroom floor (yes it was the correct size). I realized there is an aluminum sheathe in the floor's hole and it was bent, causing my problem. So I shifted my position, hunkering down to beat this problem into submission, when I lacerated one of my toes on a phantom object on the floor. Did not find the source and still don't know how I managed this trick but now I had a broken floor register (it now fits in the floor and looks pretty, as long as it does not need to be moved) and blood all over the floor.
Boy.imp just looked at my face and my foot and left the room closing the door after him. Smart boy.
Soooo, it is just past lunch time and I am looking for the rum and coke. Wanna come over for a glass or three?
I decided to eat the leftover pizza on Saturday and after heating the pie in the oven I pulled the tray out and shook the pizza off of the pan onto my plate. I must've shook too hard because one of the slices skipped off of the plate onto the stove top. I was standing at an angle (with my left hand much farther from the stove than my right, which was holding the pan with a hot pad). So I casually passed the pan into my left hand as my brain screamed, "Danger Will Robinson! Danger Will Robinson!"
Needless to say the pain hit within a few heartbeats.
In other news, wife.imp found a welt on boy.imps cheek. She discovered that he and girl.imp had been playing Tug-of-War with a broken, cloth head band and he got popped in the face just below his left eye.
wife.imp: b.imp! what's that on your face?
b.imp: is it bleeding?
w.imp: No.
b.imp: It's ok. It's just a booboo
w.imp: does it hurt?
b.imp: don't worry mommy. I won!
That's my boy!!
We are enjoying wife.imp's high school reunion (the Chicago iteration) and between gatherings I got to go to a local casino and lose $40 to the house. I was up $39 on the $.25 slots but pressed my luck and lost it all.
But this is not the 'house' I wish to discuss. We left on Friday and I had thought I got everything that wife.imp verbally listed Thurday evening. However Thurs. I advised her that I would be at my dad's in the a.m. on Fri. and if she could email me, I would check while I was there.
So, on Friday, no emails. I called her office and got her voicemail. Sooooo, I went with my memory and thought I did a pretty damn good job. Until I did pick her up and listened to her questions about the new list...
To dos:
1. Please bring the 80s CDs with you. There should be 5. If you can grab Hall and Oates, James Ingram, Ryan Cayabyab (one voice), APO hiking society as well as best of Gary Valenciano, that would be nice, but don't kill yourself over it. (check if the CDs are inside the cases, some of them may not be - would be great if I have some "singable" CDs - some of them may be in the CD holder in my car or in the big icebox that holds the stuff from the van).
OK. I got the 5 80s cds and several Filipino artists-although not the ones she specified. I did not check inside the cases but have been pretty lucky this weekend as the few that I have opened have held the proper CD.
2. Can we bring a cooler/icebox in case we get some tocino etc???
Yes. I even put grapes in it for snackage.
3. We have an ATM here (wife.imp's workplace), we can just get cash here.
Ok, I did take some cash out myself as well.
4. Can you bring our checkbook? Also can you get the account number of the joint checking account we have with Ate Glen? I need to make sure the bank doesn't start charging us because I moved over the direct deposit. I can call the bank on the way.
Ummmm...
5. Don't forget the cell phone charger.
Ummmm...(however I do have a charger in my car at all times)
6. don't forget to check the thermostat - not sure if we need to have the AC on all weekend.
Ummmm...
7. Could you also bring the IKEA catalog that is by rachel's door? I could do some of that during the drive.
Ummmm...
8. timers for the lights?
Ummmm...
Don’t forget my stuff: A. huggies box that has all the lotions/soaps to give away, the brown envelope on top of it (I did get this!!)
(you can put this in the suitcase pocket--I did not do this) and the white plastic bag that has the white bags that I need to sew buttons on on the way up there tonight (need to be accessible from car--YES! I am on a roll)
B. Gift bag for Rhoda and family
???????
C. all my clothes on the floor downstairs (plus razor and shaving cream) - please note too that I have the black folder with the pad of paper in that pile also. Yes I would like to bring that.
Everything on the floor in said pile was scooped into a suitcase!
D. toiletries - toothbrush, toothpaste, deodorant
Got these too!
E. Coke and water and snax
I got the grapes and the icebox...
In the span of two work days last week, I decided I need, perhaps, more sleep at night. In the course of my work, I sometimes need to copy documents or maps. I often utilize the local Kinko's for this task. Some of the maps I copy are in spiral bound books that are easy to copy. Easy to miss when one leaves the store (this bit of information is important later).
Anyway, I work with my dad and had to stop at his house one morning because the collar of my polo shirt really did need ironing. Yes, I sometimes wear polo shirts. Not that often because I typically do not like them. Yet I was wearing one and it was looking horrid.
SO, I fired up mom's iron and found a little spray starch and wala! Work ready!
The next day I was back at dad's and we were on a phone call when his cell began to ring. LOUD.LOUD.RINGS.
So dad looks at me nods his head and points to the phone. Not having mastered the art of reading body language (and being short on sleep), I interpreted his movements to mean:
"Hey, that ring is annoying. I can't hear a damn thing over here. Go on over there and take care it will you?"
So I went and shut of the cell phone in mid-ring.
OOOOPS.
Turns out dad really meant:
"Hey, can't you see I'm busy here? Geez, I've only got two hands and I am kinda in the middle of a phone call. Go answer that and see who it is and maybe take a message."
After dad informed me of my error he went on to enumurate another failing that had recently occurred. It seems mom came home the day before and found someone had used her iron. She knew this because it had been left on all day. That would be over 8 hours of potential burn time.
OOOOPS.
Then dad gives me a packet that needs to go to a specialist to copy and all I need to do (besides deliver the package) is to copy one of my maps out of one of my books and include it in the package. So I go home and realize I no longer have said book of maps. The next morning, I drive back to dad's (1 hour, 1 one way) and ransack his house and it's not there. But he has the same book of maps so the trip was not wasted. I take the package and drop it off and decide, "What the hell. I'm already out and about, let's go check Kinko's."
The store is only 10 minutes from my house. And the book of maps is there. That means I just wasted over 21/2 hours of my day in drive time alone.
Man, is it after 7pm already? I need to go to bed.
Yes, this might be one of those moments where I might have been better off turning up the radio and not answering the question...
We were on our way to martial arts and girl.imp was in her mode of wanting to ask and ask and ask questions (meanwhile Twisted Sister, Foreigner, and AC/DC were playing on the radion and I was starting to feel mellow).
g.imp: daddy, what part of your body has the most nerves?
me: hmmm?
g.imp: what part of your body has the most nerves?
me: (laughter)
Not the belly laughter that happens when I run across an old Abbott and Costello recording. No this is the near insane laughter that happens when you are trapped in a moving vehicle with a kid who asks a question and the first thought in your mind is to answer 'gee honey, that would be my penis.'
Yes, I thought penis, the brain center, the obvious answer, except that I did not want to utter this sentence out loud. Not with wife.imp's 19-year-old niece sitting next to me and not with g.imp being only 7-years-old. (However since I started laughing, niece.imp started laughing and I kept laughing and n.imp kept laughing...)
I actually said 'your eye has the most nerves'. I lied. It is the penis. I know this because when I was 10sh and my little brother was 9sh and he reaaaaaally reaaaaaaally started to annoy me, that is where I kicked little brother (while wearing cowboy boots). I nailed little bro's 'nads about 11 a.m, and I was aiming for the uprights! He did not make it out of bed for dinner.
Proof positive of where the nerves are located.
Bedtime for boy.imp:
He was told to put his cars away. Those parents out there know when the imp gets that certain look, the set jaw, the glinting eyes and the 1,000 yard stare, that Peace-In-The-Household just packed its bags and went on an extended vacation.
Yep, he started throwing the toys. I chastised him and got The Stare. Then b.imp turned back to the toy box and launched another toy car. I gave serious thought about sending Restraint on the same vacation Peace-In-The-Household just left us for. However, b.imp is a lefty aaaaand he was putting some serious heat on the delivery.
Punish him for 'showing me up' or start planning on contacting pro scouts when he enters high school?
A lefty. A lefty with what looks like could be a really really sweet delivery...
I rolled another car to him, 'Here don't forget this one...'
Since her arrival, we have been foisting our favorite programming off on n.imp. You have read the posts (yes, I'm talking to you Maria) and you have seen the torture: 'Dr. Who', 'Voltes V', Cincinnati Reds' baseball, and if she shows herself tonight? CNN's 'Whitehouse Correspondents Dinner - The Clinton Years'.
Yes, I learned how to tie knots in the boy scouts...
Oh, before we get to knots there are several things I learned in Boy Scouts that probably should never be repeated (some of these I did participate in and some I was blissfully 80+miles away and only heard about it 2nd hand). These are also things that tend to make parents not allow their children to join the troop and rightly so:
Things I was present for but did not participate in:
- Snipes do not exist (however if you've hacked off the older scouts you might find yourself invited on a snipe hunt and tied to a tree for several hours about 1 mile from the camp)
- Tossing rotten eggs, burning hot egg shells or playing chicken with an ax (one unlaces the boots and spreads the shoe laces as far from the boot as they can then the other party paces off 5 steps, takes a sharpened ax and trys to cut the shoelace as close to the boot as possible--without hitting the boot or the person attached thereto - I will admit that this was an ill conceived game and one that was only mentioned to me once. It was never played after that--talked about yes. Played no.)
- Imagine that another troop messed with one of our younger scouts. Not a good idea. Because at night our older scouts would visit the offending party's campsite and would drop the tents in said campsite, grab the tent poles and beat anything that moves...
Things I was present for and did participate in:
- melting plastic milk cartons over the flames of a fire makes for very pretty flames (and also very toxic fumes- this practice that was quickly discouraged)
- it takes less than 10 seconds for a box of 5oo kitchen matches, once lined up, to burn neat diagrams into the tops of picnic tables - this occurred several times when I was not on the campout and once when I was.
- did you know that if you knock a hornets nest out of a tree with rocks, the little dears will chase you up to 1/4 of a mile. However if you are able to zip yourself into a tent before the swarm arrives then you'll be ok. It is advisable (i was later informed) to warn the people who were previously enjoying a relaxing morning, that something unpleasant was about to happen.
Things that happened when I was not present:
- During hunting season, many many hunters park their cars on the shoulders of the road. Sometimes passersbys might include boy scouts (you know, from the troop that had more street cred than most gangs). The cars might find themselves with 4 flat tires and might also be missing spark plug wires-...Might because a hunter might be leaving early and spot some of the felons-in-training and decide to introduce them to the barrel end of the Smith & Wesson that had been resting on his shoulder. I was told that one of the scouts dropped on his hands and knees and begged for sympathy while his co-horts scattered and ran for the woods.
- Picture fires, unopened cans of corn and a stopwatch. Explosive entertainment, so I was told.
How to tie a square knot:
- grasp the shoestring (one in each hand) cross the left shoestring over then under and through the right shoestring and pull snug.
- then make your bows and cross the right bow over then under and through the left bow and pull snug.
Wife.Imp,
Honey, do you remember that old, teflon coated saucepan we used to have? Well, we still have it but once the fumes clear out of the kitchen I will have to get rid of it. No, the problem is not with the pan itself. The problem is that my attention span rivals that of a monkey on drugs. Here I was getting the pot roast ready in the slow cooker and then I noticed the breakfast dishes.
Which really was not too difficult as we have the same counter space as Barbie's Dreamhouse. Well, the dirties were starting to pile up and I started pushing them around to make more room when I heard a hissing from the stovetop. I ignored it, because how could anything be hissing?
ALL the food was in the slow cooker. Still more hissing...
Yes, you guessed it. I melted the handle of the meat fork into the saucepan.
'But honey!' (yes, I can hear what you are thinking) 'But honey, I can understand melting the handle to the saucepan. But into the saucepan..?'
Yes, Into The Saucepan. I was not aware but the plastic handles on utensiles nowadays will run exactly like melted butter when heated.
Anyway, here is hoping your Monday at work has been moving along smoothly! If you need to, call me on the cell phone. I will be shopping later this a.m.
love,
me
'There is nothing bad at Panera!'
Yes, we here at the playground frequent 'frou-frou' food establishments!
(Sorry Betty and Tony but the Col. Sanders is sometimes dead to the imps)
'I am stuffed, puffed aaaaand a little bit fluffed!'
(this statement was uttered upon g.imp's completion of Panera's Chicken Noodle Soup)
'Daddy what does gay mean?'
ummmm, folks I grew up in rural America. Yes, this means boots were not referred to as 'kicks'. They were 'Shit Kickers'. We had school uniforms; t-shirts, blue jeans, and the aforementioned 'kicks'.
So what I am saying is that my childhood was not in the most liberal area of the country when it came to social interaction. Mind you, we did not host Klan rallies but I was informed in high school that we were 45 minutes from a Klan branch. (loverly that)
So when girl.imp popped her question I first kicked myself because I was speaking about the development of a character of one of my stories (wife.imp wants me to have my Oprah Moment). I have been hung up on this character. He works in the oil field and is too one-dimensional. So I was thinking of introducing a gay character into this last bastion of the 'Man's Man' industry.
By the way, did anyone see Oprah on Friday? wife.imp was home sick, so Oprah was on the Educational Deathray. She took this trip with a friend and they were showing clips aaaaaand, except for the one State Highway Patrolman in Kentucky, BORING!!!
But the one thing that Oprah can do, even with the content of the clips having the ability to put an insomniac under, I stood in the doorway and watched 10 minutes of the show Because.She.Is.Oprah!
Back to the book: I decided not to make the character gay. I would probably fall back on the homophobic cliches because you tend to write what you have experienced and my experiences stem from this rural, conservative community. So, if one cannot be honest to the character, kill the character or change it. Since I have nothing without this character, we are stepping back to safer ground and will work on a different conflict to experience.
To answer girl.imp's question:
'gay means happy (re: spongebob happy).'
I went on to stress a person with an overall positive outlook on life. Ok, this will also conincide with the actual dictionary definition. Which means I wimped out. Life lesson avoided. Wait until she asks about drugs, sex and rock'n'roll!! (Lord help me if 'The Monthly Problem' crops up).
Dad of the Year? I somehow think the nominating committee will 'overlook' me in 2007.
oh, I probably also missed out on my 'Oprah Moment'.
Have you ever opened your mouth and suffered the aftertaste of your foot for years and years?
So have I. I wish I was known as that guy who is the compulsive gambler or the sex addict or even a straight-up bank robber. But not me. I am that guy whose tongue is made out of shoe leather. As incredibly hip, cutting edge, sensitive and loving I might appear, there is a dark side. And over the years it has proven to lurk just below the surface:
Ok, the rules for this list is that nothing verbalized while in an extremely emotionally agitated state (anger, fear, desperation inebriation (drunk or high - I've never been either...), or depression) can make the list.
I have only ever been cold, sober, which makes what I am about to reveal, that much the sadder:
1) I love you - has this line ever worked for loosening the willpower of the opposite sex? I tried it in high school and in college and it never workd. Oddly when I asked the girl when she was going to take me to a dinner and a movie...that line worked.
2) That has got to be the ugliest baby I've ever seen - Yes you read this right. No, I was in full control of my faculties. I was not hypnotised. I was a senior in high school. My girlfriend's SIL had just had a baby. A girl. She was an angel. I was kidding. I do not think my girlfriend's mother has ever forgiven me. Her SIL did. My girlfriend did (until she broke up with me two years later to marry the boy she broke up with to date me). The baby girl is now fully grown and is getting married this year. I have not been invited to the wedding.
Are you still reading?
It gets worse.
Ready?
3) No pain, no gain! - No, I was not at a sporting event. I was, again, in high school. It was winter and my brothers, sisters, mom and I were standing on the driveway at the edge of our sidewalk, staring down at my father who had just slipped and fallen on the way to the car to.go.to.CHURCH.
Want to hear what makes this statement worse? (yes, it can get worse) When it reaches the driveway, the sidewalk is approx 3-4" above the driveway surface. Dad landed so that his lower back (kidney?) hit the corner of the sidewalk. At the time I spoke, he was ashen, writhing on the ground and gasping like a fish out of water.
4) I don't want to hear about what you are planning to do, just tell me when you actually do it - yes, this bit of supportive dialogue was directed at my younger brother. He had dropped out of college and after years of my parents asking and his waffling, he came over for a visit and told me he was seriously considering going back to school. I, of course, lovingly told him where to get off and he did, delaying his re-enrollment by at least 5 years.
5) alright! Honey, this is...is...
(this happened approx one month after our marriage we were visiting the newsroom and were greeted by the Managing Editor of paper I just left. I also forgot the names of my fellow reporters, the City Desk Editor, photographer, various other personnel...every other personnel. Of course wife.imp knew everyone by sight- because she listened when I talked...)
Dissed by boy.imp:
After his bath Monday night, boy.imp decided to question me on the color of his socks:
b.imp: what color are my socks
me: ummm gray
b.imp: blah blah blah, no they're not
(walking over to his dresser and pulling out pants)
b.imp: these are gray and these, daddy are you looking? Daddy, you need to listen to me! These pants are gray and these pants are gray. My socks are darker. So they cannot be gray. They are black! Not.Gray. Black!
me: smiling (you suck)
Tuesday Troubles:
Just before sitting down for dinner b.imp requested a diaper change. So off to his bedroom where he demands that we wait. He is not quite done filling the diaper. So he stands next to his bed, leaning on the mattress with his eyes scrunched tight and proceeds to grunt.
Me: hoooookaaaay! Call me when you're done.
Multi-tasking at bathtime:
In order to push boy.imp into his pj's faster (hence to bed sooner), I brushed his teeth while he was in the shower. Now, if I can only figure out a way to clip his nails at the same time...
Wednesday Woes:
Last night I walked into the house and remembered it was trash day. So I start policing the house in preparation of taking that last bag to the trash can and hauling the whole, lumping mess down to the end of the drive.
b.imp: Daddy! The floor is got mud on it. Daddy you put mud all over the floor!
(yes, boy.imp should have been in bed. yes, boy.imp is PO'd!)
me: Ok, I'll clean it up in a minute
b.imp: Mommy! Daddy put mud all over the floors. Mommy, daddy made a mess
me: ok...OK! I'm cleaning it up! Go back to bed.
b.imp: ok. Goodnight daddy.
me: (smiling) goodnight...(you suck)
Yes, I am back with more info concerning our Christmas "vacation" trip. When we last broached this topic, I was up the Proverbial Creek, no paddles and, as Jenny and Diana informed me, with no canoe either.
So there we were in Northern Illinois, 10 hours from home, and wife.imp was recovering from her recent shopping trip with a sedate lunch out. We were heading out to pick up her best friend (and his wife) from college (Ateneo de Manila University) who was also visiting relatives for Christmas.
So upon arriving at the restaurant (in the middle of lunch rush because we got lost on the way to the friend's house) wife.imp only had enough time to recount the 'Present' snafu 3 maybe 4 times.
Skipping forward in time because the imps were loud, whiny and did I mention loud?, I was rushing out to get the van fired up so we could escape the 'Evil-Eyed' stares of those diners the imps had not chased away.
Just as I reached the exit, girl.imp catches up with me and tells me that boy.imp needs his diaper changed and that wife.imp was having me change the diaper because she was enjoying time with her friends and because "...You owe her big time."
Exact quote. This is the type of quote that should send chills down your spine. The type of quote that should have mandatory sub-titles in flashing neon: DANGER, RUN--DON'T WALK, FLEE DAMMIT, DON'T LOOK BACK! PRETEND gir.imp DID NOT CATCH UP WITH YOU!
But no, I looked back at the table and there is wife.imp holding boy.imp up in the air waving him back and forth, smiling. Everyone at the table was smiling. And it was now too late to pretend I had not made eye contact!
Boy.Imp's pants were soaked. Absolutely, literally, dripping wet. Oddly enough the table top was dry. When I say soaked, I mean dripping from the bottoms of his shoes, his socks everything. It was as if he were dipped into a tub of water and handed to me. Ice cold water too. He was soaked and his pants were cold.
He sat through lunch, peeing what could only have been, what?, 2 liters, and not once did he complain. Not until his pants had time to cool down.
So into the bathroom for a quick change (but because daddy has had experience with more than one imp, he keeps a spare change of ...pants only in the diaper bag). So there I am, in a strange town, with a bag full of diapers and soiled clothes, in the middle of December, with my 3-year-old and no extra socks, no extra shoes and my own personal audience waiting for me outside the door.
Yes, wife.imp got a 2-fer that day. Dad forgot to pack a complete change of emergency clothes for boy.imp and was caught short--yet again.
However, there was a Wal-Mart not 10 minutes away. And now I am one of those folks. I would dress my son up in the dead of winter and take him shopping barefoot to the local Wal-Mart. I also would have him stand barefoot, in only his diapers while we tried on clothes in the middle of the Boys department.
Come on over folks, bring your cameras! Daddy is about to parade boy.imp up and down the aisles for your amusement. Admission is FREE!
Can you believe it is 12-years together and still going strong!!!
