'effen' G

Girl.imp is home doing her homework today.

and by doing her homework, I of course, mean she is circling the house and carrying on a rambling conversation as she works off the sugar high from her afternoon snacks.

Her homework consists of writing sentences that begin with the letter 'F' and the letter 'G'.  Oh, and she has to write in cursive.

Her comment upon starting the assignment was:

"I hate effen G!"

or more correctly stated,

'I hate 'F' and 'G''

I like my version better.  It is more fun to repeat.

"...Today Was My Most Awfulest Day In School Ever...!!!!"

This is the cry I got after getting the imps home after school.

By the way, last week girl.imp had strep, today boy.imp was diagnosed with MAJOR sinus infections and my eyes have been itching and my throat is sore...

I say this because both imps are cranky and not 10 minutes after getting home I hear boy.imp wailing.

It seems g.imp lost her temper and 'squeezed' b.imp's back. So daddy leaps into action and wheedles the info then 'equally' punishes everyone in the room.

More wailing, gnashing of teeth, rending of clothing then IT happens.

What is IT?

Gym Class!

It was the bane of my youth. Really dennis? But..

Well, for 3 months of the year it was the bane of my youth. Our gym teach was also the wrestling coach. I love sports! I do not love wrestling. Never have. Never will.

For three months of the year, in gym, we wrestled. I just stopped dressing. No doctor's note. No parents note. No gym clothes. Upon being threatened with failing gym, I went home and informed my mom that I might fail and explained. She allowed me to have my way, 'as long as I truly understood the ramifications of my actions.'

Back to g.imp. She.Hates.Gym. She.Hates.Rrunning.Sweating.Sports-In-General. Today was even worse because the 'better' students were pushing her in line and running her down (but not loud enough for the teacher to hear).

After this confession (and the fact that the gym teacher witnessed nothing), I comforted her.

me: hey, as long as you are trying then you tell them that you are doing your best and to leave you alone. if they don't like it, tell them they are the ones who should leave the line.
g.imp: but they might tell 'blind-as-a-bat-and-deaf-as-a-knob' teacher! and then she'll call you!!
me: Great! I want her to call me! If you tried to do your best and your classmates harrassed you and then your teacher wants to call me?? I'll go to school that day (or if I am too far away the next day)!!

And I'll bring wife.imp's Dalek with me! I'll go through the halls to confront this teacher while the Dalek screams, 'Exterminate! Exterminate! Exterminate!'

Yes, I grew up in redneck kuntry. And be damned if I'll not use every tool to hand ifn' I hafta go to bat for my young'uns!!

mess with imps and you'll get 100% of me in your face!


(curiously, as I type this I told b.imp to clean up the mess of crayons on my floor, instead of picking up his crayons (and boy.imp is freakishly neat) he is opting to strip all the paper off of each one then he throws everything away)

Hip Hop Mass and That Smell Just Lingers

Girl.Imp is enrolled in a local Catholic School. Yes, the White Devil is trying to brain-wash his imps.

So, along with the standard 3 R's, g.imp needs to prove she knows a little about the Faith. To that end, there are occassional verbal quizzes.

Q: What does it mean to put your hands in Orans Position??
(No, this is not a position from the Kama Sutra! Orans means to place the elbows to the side with hands raised with palms out)
girl.imp: Raise the roof baby! Oh yeah! Oh yeah!
(elbows by her ears, palms above head facing the ceiling--pumping arms up and down)

Somehow I do not see the Pope 'goin' street' and incorporating this gesture into the Mass...


Sooo boy.imp has a new tradition. If you are eating breakfast now--stop.
We have a nightly ruckus around his bedtime, which is loosely between 8:30 and Midnight, give or take 20-30 minutes.

So after we brush the teeth, read the story, hug and kiss 8-9 times (his choice), find socks for his feet because only real men wear socks to bed, get him that glass water because his whining has left his throat dry, we head to the t.v. room to unwind infront of the Educational Death Ray.

15 minutes later we hear the cry:
g.imp: ewwwwwwwwe

the patter of slow footsteps

b.imp: mommy? daddy?
me: What?
b.imp: My diaper needs changed!
me: come here (please let him have only peed! Please, oh please, oh please!)

Nope. Bimp's arrival is preceded by an odor only Mike Rowe (of Dirty Jobs) could love.
Does wife.imp notice?

Nope. Not until the diaper has been changed and disposed. Then she looks up and wrinkles her nose (lightning reflexes there!) and usually says something like:

wife.imp: I'm hungry. Should I have (can you get me?) popcorn?


Oh, I almost forgot the 'Matt Damon Factor' to increase my blog presence

Wife.Imp is currently checking 3 local news channels and 1 state news channel and 1 national news channels...

NBC, ABC, CBS, ONN and CNN have increased their ratings as wife.imp refuses take any weather forcast at its, individual, word.

She has spent the last 2 (3?) hours flipping from one forecast to another. I cannot tell but she seems more annoyed that they are stating the same thing. If one, just one forecast allowed for no snow and half-way decent road conditions, she would have been out of here!!

girl.imp is out of school for the 2nd day this week. I believe we will stop buying her lunches, as every day this month that she marked to purchase lunch, we have had severe winter weather!! However, she is not claiming to be our teacher and is prodding me to do a vocabulary assignment!

boy.imp has his trucks so no new news there...

Oh, happy Valentines Day :)

Monday: We witnessed Floriday play a high school team. 'Nuff said.

Tuesday: Cannot remember Tuesday. Lots of driving tho'

Wednesday: We went to girl.imp's school for a field trip. We saw 'A Year with Frog and Toad'. It must be a very old play, because the male leads (Frog and Toad) were very, very chummy. What our grandparents' parents would have called good pals...Today we would refer to a closet...

Thursday: wife.imp told me that boy.imp is beginning to mature. He has recently been proclaiming '...I am not a little boy! I am a big boy!' But now he has taken it a step further. When we ask him if he needs his diaper changed he runs away screaming that he did not soil his diaper. So then if we ask him if he wants to stop using diapers and start wearing underwear...

boy.imp: You can stop asking questions. Stop asking questions now!

...Girl.Imp is in 1st Grade and already has issues with school...

Waste of Time day

I really should be at work. However the ole' tum-tum is still a bit rum-a-tum-tumbily. and as the old rhyme goes, 'Here I sit...'

Anywho two things have really been bothering me.
1) Somehow the school suckered us into trying to sell almost 200 candy bars for girl.imp's first grade class. I am not certain, but I think we are moving up on the deadline and are still on the hook for over $80. However Last night I managed to take a little back from the 'Man'. I sold 3 candy bars to the school librarian! (wife.imp was a little less than supportive as Librarian planned to use the candy to tempt opposing teams into breaking from their diets this allowing her team to win whatever it is they will win.)

2) I am totally not on board with the Stones v. Beatles arugment. Don't get me wrong, I like the British Bands! I love the likes of Gerry and the Pacemakers, Herman's Hermits and the Animals! However if pressed to pick between the Stones or the Beatles, I will have to go with The Who! Yes, The Who. These 'boys' rocked!

Give me a new Who album and consider it purchased sight unseen! And the best song by a British Band in the prior century?

'Under Pressure' by Queen.

Girl.Imps new Vocab List 10 hardest words

We have round two on the vocab list -- approx 25 words. It took girl.imp around 10 seconds to read them, only because she was going so fast that she had to:
a) stop for breath
b) go back and read three words that she skipped (and continue from that point forward).

1o- blue
9- three
8- good
7- have
6- down
5- saw
4- here
3- will
2- away
1- yellow

I am thinking with the difficulty level ratcheted up this high for g.imp's classes, I might have to enforce her new bedtime rules and allow her to watch 'the Late Show with David Letterman' in its entirety. Perhaps I'll allow her to drink a little gin and smoke unfiltered cigs to ensure she is not bored in class.

OOOOOR, I could go with wife.imp's suggestion and start having g.imp spell these words...

I already do not like the education of girl.imp

I had a hard time staying quiet during the meet the teacher day, last week. She handed out a list of vocab. terms for her first grade students.

My first thought was cool! Girl.Imp finished the 6th Harry Potter book recently and did need help with a few of the words. This should help.

Then I saw the list was chock full of words like: Ice, swish and I.

I almost drew blood, biting my tongue. This was the vocab. list?

My shopping list at the grocery store is full of words much harder to pronounce.

It was at this point that wife.imp (during my first rant) reminded me I am somewhat of a literary snob.

Therefore I am offering my apologies here and now to any current and future teacher of my imps:

'You will not meet my expectations and standards and I might occasionally give you the impression that I do not approve of your techniques. It is merely that I am an overzealous prat and should considered slightly insane on occasions in which we have direct interaction. If I do approach you, the use of tranquilizers is approved.'

Name 1 of the top 3 Phone Calls you DO NOT want to receive, concerning your imps and school...

Ring Ring (oddly enough the Ring Tone on my cell phone is actually a telephone ring sound - also please take special note of the picture below. Can you guess where today's post is heading?)

me: Dennis speaking
: This is secretary at (your child's school)
me: Yes?
(you will note that my daddy radar is not fully formed at this time as it was AFTER 2:30 p.m. and I did not stop to consider why my imp's school would be calling me AFTER school was out for the day)
sec.imp: I am calling you because g.imp missed her bus today and...
me: she what?
sec.imp: She missed her bus. I tried to call...
me: she missed her bus?
sec.imp: Yes, she missed her bus. However she is in our office right now. I tried calling your wife but she did not answer. Can you come and pick her up?
me: uhhmmm, I'm actually at work (on the other side of creation today and you will be putting your own kids to bed before I can make it to your offices). Can I make some calls and call you back in 5-10 minutes? Yes? Can I have your number? and what was your name again? Thank you.

So hoping for the best I called wife.imp and miraculously found her at her desk.

wife.imp: Hello (wife.imp) speaking...
me: hey! g.imp missed her bus and you need to go pick her up at the school's offices.
(notice I did not butter her up with 'Hi Honey! How are you doing? How's your day? Are you busy right now? --Nope. Go for the jugular before they realize what hit them. Bad news is not any more welcome if it is delivered slowly or if it is delivered with cold, cruel efficiency. and yes, I am a grade-A ass for delivering the news in this manner)
wife.imp: she what?
me: missed her bus. She is at the school's office and here is the name and number you need to call.

What surprised me most about today's events was that g.imp FORGOT.SHE.WAS.RIDING.THE.AFTERNOON.BUS.

SHE.JUST.PLAIN.FORGOT

after being grilled all weekend on bus number, bus driver name, drop-off address, bus number...

Wunder Kids

We have been concerned for some time about just how smart g.imp is. My belief is that once she hits her stride in school she will move ahead a grade or two. How do I know this?

Before she hit Kindergarten, I had her reading and doing math at a second grade level and I did not have to force her to do the exercises!

So today g.imp is working through her math:

g.imp: mommy how old will I be in 50 years
w.imp: how old are you now
g.imp: 6
w.imp: so if you add 50 years how old will you be
g.imp: I don't know 60 (this would by the red-neck side of g.imp's family asserting itself)
me: what is 6 numbers higher than 50
g.imp: let me see...51, 52, 53, 54, 55, 56--I'll be 56!
me: good job (so if g.imp did not retain the Asian gene for advanced math, where did it go?)
b.imp: in 50 years I'll be 52. (ahhh, there they are!)