So Post Vacation...

We arrived home to find our refrigerator (we think it was original with the house) had passed beyond acceptable into the realm of week-old, sweaty, gym socks that have baked in the sun for a month.

Niiiiice. I'll stop here while you sip your coffee and think back on the old high school gym lockers at their worst, which is still better than this.

So, day two of the return home included purchasing a major appliance for our home. Then, in the spirit of continued spending, because the house needs a face-lift (interior and exterior) we purchased a small tree and flowers plant in the hole left by a Maple tree that had succumbed to Carpenter Ants about 4 years ago.

In the meanwhile, the imps are transitioning very slowly from the 'Vacation Indulgence' back to, 'eat more healthy food because it is good for you' lifestyle.

Vacation in Canada

Yes, we went to Canada for our family vacation this decade. Montreal to be exact and let me just say one thing. The subway (metro) system here ROCKS!!

Can you ask for a more simple, easy-to-use, any dummie can use it, system? If you can, I would sure like to find out how!!

Ok on the down side: Hotel Rooms and Fancy Restaurants. We would like to think we can take our imps out to eat (sans fast food atmospheres). We would like to think that we could enjoy an evening before bed in a hotel room.

We forgot to think, what would an 8-year-old and a 4-year-old think?

We found out.

It was not pretty.

Wife.imp told me that my constant hissing was more annoying than the imps. I told wife.imp that my constant hissing was because I was condensing my ''You kids better sit your ---es down in those f... seats and button those --mn lips before I button them up for you and nail your ---es to the chairs"rant into the only viable voluable option available to me.

After giving me the 'Stink Eye' wife.imp turned around and started hissing at the imps...

I chose not tell her how irritating that sound was.

day 1 recap:
-visited biodome. Took tearful and pleading imps from gift shop, sans gifts.
-visited insectorium. Purchased toys for imps and two pocket umbrellas (both imps comandeered the umbrellas claiming they would look after/carry them). left on bus for metro.
- discovered umbrellas left behind at bus stop.
- returned to bus stop. wife.imp and imps saw umbrellas with strangers but I got off bus and looked at bench, chatted with park attendant and missed umbrellas. (purchased 2 more at a metro shop later same trip-wife.imp and both imps currently blaming loss of umbrellas on me.)
- girl.imp breaks harmonica. It still plays (people in next room will attest to this)
- boy.imp tears sticky feat off of bug toy. (now just a plastic bug toy that no long clings to walls, etc... Will probably leave it in room next to empty tin of condoms we found under the bed)
- decide not to walk barefoot in room while on this visit.

My Fright Home...

Ok, so I drove with my brother to help him move into his new aparment in Illinois last Saturday and then on Sunday I was to fly (ok, I did end up flying) home on American Airlines.

I arrived at O'hare at 7:30 a.m. for my 8:50 a.m. flight and checked the departure board. One flight had been cancelled. Care to guess? I'll let you have three tries and the first 2 do not even count!!

Yep. I had in my hand my pre-printed, now useless, electronic boarding pass. This meant I now had to rub shoulders with the masses and wind my way slowly to the check-in counter. Thirty minutes later I was informed I was now booked on United Airlines 9:15 flight, but not really because what they were actually giving me was a coupon for the ticket for said flight. Now hustle back to terminal 1 to get in their Check-In line.

Aaaaand 20 minutes later I am being told that AA did not actually book me on the flight and I might not be leaving Chicago for a while. Seeing my 'Now-I-Know-Why-They-Blow-Up-Airports' look, the counter tech decided he might want to give it the 'Ole College Try' and see if he could effect a positive resolution.

Which he did! Thank you United!

So, as I wended my way through the security line (which was being outpaced by the proverbial snail) I decided to change my shoes for my flip-flops. I would like to say that I am almost 40 and this is the first year (at age 39) in which I have ever owned flip-flops. I have to admit I was missing out.

Then the 'Man' decided that he would split the security check line and sent my half to the far end of the terminal where they opened a new check point. Upon arriving at the front of the line (some 15 minutes before boarding was to commence for my flight) I had the following interaction with the security staff:

Security Flunky: ID and boarding pass.
(glancing from me to the documents and offering a brief frown)
Thank you. You have been selected for Special Inspection.

I realize that they do have to do this and had been through it once before on a flight to Swizterland, but I was in kind of a hurry and therefore was a bit slow on deciding how I should react. Should I:
a: jump up and down clapping and calling out 'Yea me!'
b: do the 'One-armed, athletic, fist pump' and calling out 'Boo-yah!'
c: shrug my shoulders and wait for further instructions.

I chose poorly. I shrugged my shoulders and stood there quietly.

SF: Did you hear me?
(now glaring at me)

Again there were myriads of choices available. I chose to be annoyingly polite.

me: (with my widest, brightest smile) Yes. I have been selected for Special Inspection.
SF: Follow me!
(now glaring and a bit red in the face)

Fortunately everyone else seemed to be a little harried and the full-body probe never occurred.

Here's how we were called for boarding:

Section 1 may now board. Section 2 may now board...Section 3...Section 4 may now board.

WTF??

Every airline I have ever flown called us by row numbers after boarding 1st and business class passengers! My boarding pass had nothing on it about sections and after staring around at the empty Waiting Area, I had to assume it was the only boarding pass devoid of a section number.

I really wanted to go up to the uniformed flunky and demand to be shown what section it was in which I had been seated, but then I might have been selected for Special Inspection!

Why Should You Visit the Philippines?

I often tell people that visiting the Philippines should be on their 'Things To Do Before I Die' list.

The following are perfect examples of what I have been trying, for years, to describe:


Bohol Island Paradise:


Sunrise on the Beach -- Jealous Much?


How about Now? The ripples are dolphins feeding in the morming -- There are dolphins here...trust me!


Even I enjoyed the Sea view! Bohol! It only gets better!


How can Bohol get better?


Come view the Chocolate Hills!:



How about the view from the Bee Farm/Bed'N'Breakfast?:



If the view does not convince you, then let me tell you about the food:

Bohol Bee Farm - Organic Feast...Ok, this second (buffet) pic was not on Bohol, but mmmm....


Beaches and Sea Views not your bag? How about a river trip through a tropical jungle?

This is an actual floating restaurant -- He sings the songs!




And I do have to admit that if the Imps-In-Laws did not do all the planning for these activities, we would have never been able to see/experience these places.


In case we forgot to say it then:


Thank You!!

Summer at the Playground

Some of you might have noticed that the clamor from the Playground has been somewhat diminished. No, I am not burnt out, just out of circulation for, what might soon be agreed, good reasons.

Good Reasons for Decreased Blog Presence:

1) Some amongst you might remember that in late May my laptop crashed. Completely had to be reformatted and right after that the Fam and I went to the Republic of the Philippines for a long awaited family vacation.

Upon returning, I spent many long hours playing catch-up with work because we left the imps in a Manila suburb. Yes, you read this last sentence correctly. The imps spent the summer 10,000 miles from home. However it is not as bad as it might seem. They were probably better treated over there than they would have been at a baby sitter's over here. In fact I am sure of this because they spent their summer with my imp-laws.We have photos (or will have soon. So I expect that much of my future posts will be pictorials of their vacation).

2) Work, Work, Work: Because of reason #3, I spent most of my time on the road, often not getting home until 11p.m. or later...aaaaaand, I repainted our main bathroom along with installing a new doorframe/door. Then we (me) sponge-painted both imps bedrooms. If you have done any sponge painting you know three essential facts:a) blemishes in the walls are mostly hiddenb) minimum of 2 coats of paintc) sponges are not known for precise painting and therefore EVERYTHING must be taped, even the ceiling.

3) I knew that at the end of July, I would be going back to Manila for a week to bring the imps home.

Yep, while many of you were enjoying Blogher in Chicago, I was in Manila enjoying in-service massages (and these are the type of massage service that you can 'write home to mama' about), nights out on the town, with some of my imps-in-law (if you are ever in Manila go to Chef and Brewers for the live bands), and the newly opened Water Spa with the 20+ massage stations (while this is a first rate facility, the air-bubble butt massage was not amongst my personal favorites).

Notes from the imps vacation:

1) Boy.Imp is potty trained!! He has abosolute bladder control!! We believe that the heat and humity of the Islands had more to do with this change than anything else.

2) Our imps do very well on long plane rides, it is the time inbetween rides that is somewhat concerning:
a) lines at immigration are there for the imps' personal amusement. B.imp even volunteered to go home with a guy standing in line behind me because he claimed he had more 'toys' at home than we apparantly did. Actually since he did not volunteer this info but only answered after b.imp interrogated him, creepy is not the first label I am using as descriptive for this guy. Third or fourth maybe...
b) if you actually go into banks to conduct any business you are often routed through a maze of poles and flat, nylon ropes. The ropes are not of interest for this point. The metal poles, specifically the reflective nature of the bases of these metal poles are the main focus. Because this is what b.imp focused on, after he backed up to one of them and pulled his pants down so he could admire the reflection of his butt...

3) My imps-in-law are wonderful hosts who are the epitome of class. Thank you all for hosting us and our imps this summer!!!

The House Always Wins

We are enjoying wife.imp's high school reunion (the Chicago iteration) and between gatherings I got to go to a local casino and lose $40 to the house. I was up $39 on the $.25 slots but pressed my luck and lost it all.

But this is not the 'house' I wish to discuss. We left on Friday and I had thought I got everything that wife.imp verbally listed Thurday evening. However Thurs. I advised her that I would be at my dad's in the a.m. on Fri. and if she could email me, I would check while I was there.

So, on Friday, no emails. I called her office and got her voicemail. Sooooo, I went with my memory and thought I did a pretty damn good job. Until I did pick her up and listened to her questions about the new list...

To dos:
1. Please bring the 80s CDs with you. There should be 5. If you can grab Hall and Oates, James Ingram, Ryan Cayabyab (one voice), APO hiking society as well as best of Gary Valenciano, that would be nice, but don't kill yourself over it. (check if the CDs are inside the cases, some of them may not be - would be great if I have some "singable" CDs - some of them may be in the CD holder in my car or in the big icebox that holds the stuff from the van).
OK. I got the 5 80s cds and several Filipino artists-although not the ones she specified. I did not check inside the cases but have been pretty lucky this weekend as the few that I have opened have held the proper CD.

2. Can we bring a cooler/icebox in case we get some tocino etc???
Yes. I even put grapes in it for snackage.

3. We have an ATM here (wife.imp's workplace), we can just get cash here.
Ok, I did take some cash out myself as well.

4. Can you bring our checkbook? Also can you get the account number of the joint checking account we have with Ate Glen? I need to make sure the bank doesn't start charging us because I moved over the direct deposit. I can call the bank on the way.
Ummmm...

5. Don't forget the cell phone charger.
Ummmm...(however I do have a charger in my car at all times)

6. don't forget to check the thermostat - not sure if we need to have the AC on all weekend.
Ummmm...

7. Could you also bring the IKEA catalog that is by rachel's door? I could do some of that during the drive.
Ummmm...

8. timers for the lights?
Ummmm...

Don’t forget my stuff: A. huggies box that has all the lotions/soaps to give away, the brown envelope on top of it (I did get this!!)

(you can put this in the suitcase pocket--I did not do this) and the white plastic bag that has the white bags that I need to sew buttons on on the way up there tonight (need to be accessible from car--YES! I am on a roll)
B. Gift bag for Rhoda and family
???????

C. all my clothes on the floor downstairs (plus razor and shaving cream) - please note too that I have the black folder with the pad of paper in that pile also. Yes I would like to bring that.
Everything on the floor in said pile was scooped into a suitcase!

D. toiletries - toothbrush, toothpaste, deodorant
Got these too!

E. Coke and water and snax
I got the grapes and the icebox...

Playground Hostage Situation

The day we left home to visit the In-Laws, I could never have dreamed that I would find myself in the middle of a hostage situation. I remember that in Ohio the temperature was going to be near 88 F. After landing in Manila, I soon learned that 88 F was a temperature that came and went early in the a.m.

And if the heat did not get to you, the relentless high humidity would. Wife.imp is fond of stating that the Philippines two seasons; hot, humid and dry or hot, humid and wet. Unfortunately the rains never showed, which means it went from hot to hotter (Mr. President, have we reviewed the Kyoto Accords recently??).

It really should not have surprised me that I would end up as a hostage but when I got up that morning, I was blissfully ignorant. After cranking down the temp on the air conditioner, I decided it was time to venture from the room and track down a glass of water.

Water? Heat? Kyoto Accords? Dennis you promised us a tale involving hostages...

And here it is. As soon as I stepped out of the frosty air of the room, I was abducted by my body's fat. Think its impossible? So did I. Up and until the heat wave rolled up and over me and the continued health of my heart and arteries were threatened.

Fat: Woe! Woe! Woe! What the hell is all this heat? No! No! No! We are not going to be happy here. Ok boys, shut 'em down!
Me: Oh god! What just happened?
Fat: Hey, we did not want to do this but there is no other way. Just do what you are told and nobody has to get hurt.
Me: What are you talking about? Why are you doing this?
Fat: Why? Why are we doing this? It was nice and cool in that room. WE were happy in that room. WE wanted to stay there! But did you listen? Did you express any concern to our feelings or well being when you decided to enter this inferno? No! You just HAD to go for a walk! You brought this onto yourself, not US!
Me: Come on! Be reasonable about this. So it's a little warm...
Fat: It's MORE than a 'little warm' bub!
Me: Yeah, it is hot enough to fry an egg, or to boil...
Fat: Don't go there! Do not even THINK about going there!
Me: Look, I don't want to be out here any more than you do...
Fat: Yet here we are. Standing, not moving...You ever hear about a thing called Heart Failure? It's a nasty, painful business. WE can make it happen. JUST.LIKE. THAT. Shut 'em down boys!
Me: Hey, you don't have to do this! Listen to me! We can work something out!!
Fat: Yes. All that you have to do is move slowly back into the air conditioned room!
Me: Ok, Ok, Look! I'm moving back--Man it is hot! I could use a glass of water.
Fat: Water? Cold water?
Me: Yes, a nice frosty glass of cold water!
Fat: mmm, water. Yes, water will be ok. But after that right back to the air-conditioned room! No tricks! Don't even think about stalling! Oh, and don't forget to grab one of those doughnuts on your way!

I'm All Poo'ed Out

I cannot remember the last time I had a nice, satisfying, solid poo. Ok, first let me say that after my computer crashed, the fam went to the Philippines. Today we returned. It's been almost two weeks and still no solid poo.

I do have to add that with almost 2 weeks of explosive, fluid draining poo, stomach cramps (turns out there was this infection thing going on in the lower abdomen) and liquid meals (with crackers), I have managed to not only reign in my expanding waistline, but to lose a large portion of it.

I believe it started at a beach. Actually it was a coral reef about an hour boat ride from a beach located in Bohol, to be precise. Not that the good folks at the resort have asked me for a precise accounting.

To be perfectly honest about the resort staff, I cannot point the 'Finger of Blame' at them, their food or anyone but me. The resort itself was located in a beautiful region and was very well managed.
If it were possible to describe the reddish-orange fires that bled softly across the horizons as the sun dipped 'into' the sea or the pinkish blossoms of fire that announced the imminent arrival of the Yellow Daystar, then I would try.

However lacking this ability to fuse memory with words, I will merely stress that this is a great resort!

(bear with this slight bend in the road)
I am not now, nor have I ever been, a fan of diet foods or food diets. I hunger, I eat. I do acknowledge (now) that a certain restraint in my diet should be executed. Since restraint was not know in my earlier dietary habits and excercise is such a slow way to go, I needed an edge--something that might give me a boost.

I might have mentioned Bohol is near this amazing reef. We went snorkling at this reef. This reef ends at a very steep precipice. There was an amazing abundance of life and color in and around this reef that bled out into a gray green over the precipice and just out of reach a Sea Turtle decided to cruise the area. It gracefully glided over the edge of the precipice for almost 20 minutes, just to prove that it could ignore us.

How cool is that!

'Ummm, dennis? The reef sounds interesting and so interesting we'd like to hire a boat (ask for the oweners of the John Michael) and visit the reef ourselves. But how does this magical interlude about heaven on Earth connect with Rizal's Revenge??

Rizal's Revenge, gentle readers? Do not tell me that you have never heard of Jose Rizal? In fact, I have so much respect for this man and what he accomplished that I withdrawel the moniker Rizal's Revenge in favor of TFMR (the Filipino Monezeuma's Revenge).

Yes, while snorkling I imbibed 1/2 a boatful of seawater and soon thereafter began suffering from what we hillbillies call 'The Green Apple Quickstep'.