Changes at the Playground

Well, my Inay (wife.imp's mom--Inay is tagalog for mother/mom/female parental unit) has been staying with us and an ongoing struggle has been waged, very politely, but waged.

First let me say that this is a variant on the struggle I had with with my SIL (and with wife.imp) when she stayed with us.  At some point last year I decided, 'No more 'effen yardsales!'  So, if an object annoyed me and had no immediate/future use that could be easily ascertained and I did not make it to the goodwill, off to the corner of the drive it went on trash day.

Well my wife's side of the family comes from a country where things are recycled until not even spit and glue can keep things together.  SO, either w.imp would chastise me about irresponsible disposal habits or the SIL would (sometimes quite literally) follow me to the trash deposited by the curb and drag things back to the garage.  She CLAIMED that she would have them shipped home if we no longer wanted/used them.  

Ok.  I let things stand with the stuff, until SIL left and left me a garage full of crap that I tried to throw away.  I can now repeat those words so famously uttered by our previous president, "Mission Accomplished!"

This brings us to the leftover battle I am waging with Inay.  I will let things sit for 1 week (maybe for 1 week plus days) in the fridge before I start eyeing the trash.  IF nobody is eating the food (and that happens) or we do not recycle it as a leftover dinner (this rarely happens) then it must go.

Unless Inay eats it first.  There have been times when I have told her that it has been a good effort but things really should go.  So it has become a race.  Will the oatmeal leftover from last Tuesday get eaten before trash day, or will I be cleaning leftovers out of the fridge on Wednesday night?

So far it is a clear draw...

I Want the Eyeball!!

So we are eating fish for dinner tonight and girl.imp is vehemently opposed (it was not salmon) and boy.imp was not interested in anything but the eyeball.

After listening to him whine, cry, demand, wheedle, nag about not having the eyeball I took a knife and pried it out of the fish head and plopped it onto his plate.

At that point he happily squished the goo between his fingers and ate dinner (girl.imp decided that the fish was not as bad as she hoped and managed to finish hers so she could eat grapes for dessert).

Turns out I gave b.imp the eyeball goo  and not the actual eyeball.  However, his Inay pried it out of the fish after dinner and gave it to him as an after dinner toy.

Anyway, if y'all wanna' come on over for dinner, I'm sure we can find an eyeball or two to spare for you....

Tainted Love At the Playground

Wife.Imp: (calling home from her car after work)...

Girl.Imp: 'Sup...Nothin'...Yeah (This song-see below-is playing on the radio in the background)...I'm just shaking my hips for dad...

Me: (diving for the phone) Dancing!  She's just dancing to the radio!

Easter Week - the most Holy week of the year

- ended today with Mass. We woke late because the imps decided to go to sleep after midnight last night and woke up around 5 a.m.

Wife.Imp and I don't roll like that anymore. So after 3-minute showers and a fast dash we made Mass and stood in the back, passing boy.imp back and forth as he was asleep on his feet (technically in our arms because if we had put him on his feet he would have hit the ground like a sack of 'taters).

Girl.imp stood just inside the rear doors next to the table where the Host was placed until its turn in the ceremony arrived---and she used a hair barrette to clean her fingernails--repeatedly clean her fingernails because she made it very clear that I would have to win a 'Cage Match' to wrestle the barrette away from her...

on the way home we had a short discussion about eating cooked food:
girl.imp: dad, have you ever eaten live chicken rolls?
me: what?
girl.imp: dad, have you ever eaten live chicken rolls?
wife.imp: you mean like sashimi?
g.imp: no, like raw chicken!
me: Isn't live chicken the same as raw chicken?
w.imp: Chicken is one of those meats that you really do not want to eat raw.
me: that and turkey.
g.imp: why not?
w.imp: because you could get Salmonella.
g.imp: what is that
w.imp: that is a bacterial infection that can make you very sick if you do not cook your food properly.
g.imp: how come?
w.imp: by bus!

me: (laughing!! sometimes wife.imp's filipina humor is awsome!)

Our House is Cluttered

and it has been that way for years now. We have crap (sorry honey) STUFF packed away in our house for ....well for the new house. I have to admit that wife.imp and myself would never win awards for the 'Cleanest House In the Block' or even for neatness.

I should stress that we are not living in a house with an aisle from the front door through the family room (with alcoves for the furniture) into the kitchen, bath and bedrooms. We do not share our food/space with nature (at least not knowingly and when nature rears her ugly head inside we/I throw down immediately and beat the bitch out).

But we do have boxes in closets that have not been opened/moved since the day we moved in. We/I have clothes we/I will never wear again. Toys are hiding in various nooks and crannies that have not been moved since the great Dust Bunny Revival '03.

So I recently went and purchased several large sized plastic boxes and informed wife.imp that I am no longer content with the current room layout (I want more space!). Therefore I will be filling boxes and moving them to the garage (re: staging area) until more permanent decisions can be made (re: spring arrives and I start piling things up for the trash pickers/trash collection trucks or a possible Yard Sale then piling things up for trash pickers/trash collection trucks).

I am not going to ask. I have several items on my list of 'Things That Must Go'.

Sentiment and Value have no business in this cleanout and have been given the Pink Slip. Dad is in charge of 'Spring Cleaning' and Dad and Dad alone is making the decisions....


BUWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA....

Two Showers and a Wash

Two showers and a load of laundry last Sunday proved that our flooding inside the house issues are very much still with us.

and this after I had Roto Rooter out last month to snake the main line.

By the way, I realize that our house was built in 1968. I realize that I did not have any input into its design. But who the hell puts the water stack in the middle of the family room (I cannot say basement as ours is a split-level house) and then frames around it with wood?

I'm no engineer but I would think that waste water from the upper level of the house might not be the best thing to route through the middle of the room where the family spends most of its time!

Geeez!

Ok. So RR snaked the main line and all was fine and dandy until last Sunday. I recalled the tech and scheduled an appt. for this a.m. (meaning btwn the hours of 8a.m. and 12p.m.). The tech arrived around noon and re-snaked the line with all of his cutting blades.

Nothing. No mess, no fuss, no cleaned line.

He calls his supervisor who brings the Camera-on-a-Snake to run through my line to verify what the hell is happening. Turns out that the blockage is within 20 feet of the main sewer line and just a foot or two beyond the reach of the tech's standard cable.

As I type this, the tech is on his way to get a cable extension (I think. He has been gone for almost an hour) so that the blockage can be cleaned. And the cost in time and special equipment?

Pretty darn reasonable. I get to keep both my imps and perhaps my right arm to boot!!

'Do Me Daddy...Do me daddy...Do me too daddy'...and Road Rage Trumps Christmas Spirit

Yes, the imps were lying on the futon with me and shouting and laughing and demanding more.

More!

More of my bare feet being held in front of their noses!!

Why? I do not know, but as long as they are entertained...

*****
Is it Road Rage when Wife.Imp gets frustrated in holiday traffic??

Wife.imp had some free time last Friday and was going to a lunch with friends and asked me if I would like to go with. I noticed a few things on that drive.

1- wife.imp is an aggressive driver
2- she has little patience with hesitant drivers
3- she has even less patience with drivers more aggressive than she is
4- I find myself saying (a lot), 'I'm going to blog about this.'

In w.imp's defense, there were several very, very angry (re: bad scary) drivers on the roads. However there were two statements she made that make our cut:

'It's like they have Nov. 1 attitudes one week before Christmas...'
'Geez, the rednecks from up north (re: Delaware, Morrow and Knox Counties) have flocked to the malls today. That'll teach me to go shopping on a Friday during the holiday season.'

christmas thoughts

We went to wife.imp's office Christmas extravaganza last Sunday and included in all the festivities was a 'Face Painting' booth. Knowing it is Christmas and all the helpers/painters had christmassy things painted on their faces and Santa sat not 100 feet away talking to other imps, Boy.Imp had to have the 'Black Spiderman' mask.

Thank you. We do try.

*****

Girl.Imp has a life-like baby doll (a link to a similar baby doll is below) that was lying facedown on the floor. Wife.Imp was creeped out by the baby doll's position because, 'I know it is not real, but it could smother itself to death lying facedown like that on the floor!'

http://www.doddiesdolls.com/Merchant2/merchant.mvc?Screen=PROD&Store_Code=DDAC&Product_Code=1489&Category_Code=MNBW

*****

We have been invaded by a mouse (or a gang of mice) and it is currently living (dying?) in my downstairs closet.

We know it is there because it toured our family room one night (eluding capture) and ran under the stairs into our closet. I have blocked up the entrance and placed LARGE gluetraps with poison in said closet.

I have to admit to being a tad worried because the poison is being consumed and the glue traps are aparantly being used for a cardio workout. In fact, when the mouse/mice are not excercising in the glue, they are eating the plastic container.

I know, I know, poisoning the mice is not eco-friendly, Dennis. I have to admit that no, it is not. Neither am I Al Gore.

I have nothing against nature and with preserving it (outside of my house). Once nature moves in (apparantly with the idea of said move being rent free) I tend to get a little antsy. No, I can get dirty with the best of people, after all I did spend several years camping practically every weekend with the Boy Scouts.

I do have to admit that while the Boy Scouts taught me many valuable lessons there were some things that I learned that were not usable- I should mention that Al Gore was not known nationally and that my biggest influences were standing shoulder to shoulder with me doing things like:

* Melting plastic milk containers over an open flame (global warming was not a serious issue at this time) to see the pretty colors (ok and poisonous colors)

* Dropping tents on rival scout troops and then using the tent poles to beat whatever moved into submission

* Camping with the public and hitting (in retrospect being bloody obvious about this) on both sisters of the family that agreed to share their dinner with you

Although I have to admit that my social skills were honed by learning what not to say:

*(I might not have done so at the time but I would like to offer my apologies to the lady ranger who was present during this exchange)--I was with a group of scouts in Philmont, NM where we were engaged in a ribald conversation about breakdance moves that should not be tried when I piped in with (and I must add that knowing the boundaries of what is acceptable and what should not be uttered was highlighted here): "...Yeah, and nobody should try doing the Worm downhill with a hardon..."

Thing is, if I had uttered that sentence 10 minutes before or after that moment, nothing but laughter would have ensued.

This leads me to the comment that my mom made once, before I left scouting: "I am sure you have noticed that none of the parents around town have let their kids join the scouts for a couple of years haven't you?"

Actually no. I had not noticed. I was having too good a time to realize how out of control we actually were. But the bar had been set pretty high, we were accostomed to playing kinda rough (we once played tackle football - Australian 'rules' style- with a troop from the Cleveland area whose members were 2-3 years older, 20-40 pounds heavier and 3-4 inches taller and I hit (re: tackled) everyone of them so often (they did not acutally have to be carrying the ball--just being near it worked for me) that they eventually asked if we could call it a draw. I was about 5'8" and a solid 135lbs at the time. I was also addicted to pain. I would get into fights just to get that rush and being smallish and fast I just loved football.)

However, as rough as we played, we also took immense pride in being the best troop there as far as skills went. In head-to-head competitions, we rarely if ever came in lower than 2nd and usually ended up 1st. So I was literally surprised when mom informed me that parents were not allowing their kids to join.

So where was I? Oh! The mouse/mice. I believe the point I wanted to make was that as long as nature stays outside of my house, I am content to not mess with it. But when it moves in, I will do what is necessary to beat it into submission and evict it...That is, unless it eats the posion and glue traps and then keeps coming back for more.

Then I will just lock the doors and avoid going near that part of the house again.

It is Mid-November and it is time for...

'The Annual Mowing of Our Leaves'!

Yes, here at 'The Playground' I have given up on the traditional rake. This style of leaf removal tends to eat up an entire weekend and I have to store 20+ bags of leaves in my garage for days on end until trash day.

Why mess with the old way, when one can mow the leaves down to a fine yard mulch inside of 2 hours? (less if, for instance, the leaves were not actually shin deep in the yard)

But Dennis, you'll stand out as as a radical if you persist in this new wave thinking!!

What will your neighbors think if you abandon the yard rake?

Well folks, today they saw a good idea in action and joined in. One neighbor actually started out with the rake and soon moved up to a riding mower...

Yes, it does feel good being an innovator!

I was going to post about how to muzzle the stalkarazzi (thank you Mr. Clooney for this idea) today. But I will back-pocket this idea for the moment.

I forgot the 'Code'

at a reading of the humorist David Sedaris, I forgot the 'Code' and embarrassed wife.imp. Yes, this is the 'Code' that is hardwired into women's DNA and so baffles us knuckle-draggers.

This is the 'Code' that women use during arguments that grants them perfect recall of the tiniest details of some ancient transgression that, at the time, barely blipped the radar but during the heat of the moment--total victory.

This is the 'Code' that allows complex and lengthy discussions to occur between women with the twitch of an eyebrow, a look, pursed lips or the way a woman curls her hair around her fingers.

wife.imp noticed a women wearing a mini-skirt and breathed the following comment into my ear:
You know, it's true what they say that a woman should not wear a mini-skirt past 40.
me (loudly): Oh, I don't know
wife.imp: no it's true
me (loudly): I mean look at Teri Hatcher. She's over 40 and can wear a mini-skirt

Wife.imp put several more inches of empty space between us at this comment. I was later to learn that there was a women who appeared to be over the age of 40 who was wearing a mini-skirt AND standing right next to us...

I did manage, however, to keep my mouth firmly shut as a woman in fishnet stockings in the row behind us managed to inform all present how proud she was that she could afford MEMBERSHIP to the local museum (so can about anyone living in our city) and then she spent 30 minutes going over the plot (badly recalling its high points) of the latest episode of 'The Office'.
I have to admit that I actually watched that episode and if it were anything like how she described the action, I would never watch another episode. Happily I can admit that the show was much, much better than her description (and I am not really a fan).

*****
boy.imp: Mommy, am I Filipino?
wife.imp: yes, you are.
boy.imp: is Daddy brown?
wife.imp: no, daddy is not brown.
boy.imp: Then he's not my daddy...

So we were eating out of 'The Bucket' for dinner last night...

Wife.Imp: Where's the cole slaw? Why don't we have any cole slaw?
Me: I got mac'n'cheese instead?
Wife.Imp: Why would you do that? We always get cole slaw! We get cole slaw even before we get--we get that! (pointing at the mac'n'cheese)
Me: (trying to salvage any dignity) Imps, this is where your mom should show that she is thankful to have a big dinner. (It didn't work).
Wife.Imp: (grumbling - giving me my last chance) Do we have any coke?
(no you criminals--the soda pop)
Me: Nope, no coke...we have water..?





















picture from: http://members.cox.net/lendys/lendys5.htm

Around the Playground

So much has been going on that would normally be quite short in posting. However, since my last post the following has occurred:

I painted 5 interior doors. Yes, all of our upstairs bedroom and closet doors were painted with different shades of brown and/or white (so was the trim but I recently repainted that as well).

Why? Why Dennis, would you paint wood? Because the futhermucking moron who owned this house prior to our purchasing it, painted everything wood in the house. And he used the cheapest paint he could find (that and he slapped a border on the walls of every room, including the mirrors in the bathroom!)

So, my past few weeks included, sponge painting the imps bedrooms (hers purple and his blue). Painting the doors and door frames/trim and then re-painting (for the 4th time in 5 years) the upstairs bathroom.

....and along with all this the recent spate of storms brought some branches down on our roof and I now need some exterior repairs. Although I am waiting on the insurance company's estimate before I get into that.

Moving on, I am about to gut and refinish the downstairs bathroom (I'd light a match and watch it burn except that the rest of the house might be affected) and laundry room, recarpet the downstairs, repaint the downstairs and then...we turn our attention to the kitchen.

Have I mentioned that we turned the dining room into our construction overflow area for the upstairs work and that the family room is the construction storage area for all downstairs projects?

...and then my interenet at home crashed and I cannot get it back because the ethernet connection in my computer is not working right (or is simply just not working). SOOOO

Until that is sorted I will be a sporadic poster. But I am able to sneak a peak every other day or so.

Repsonses to the responses from my last post:

Betty: Spread 'em? (I see too many possibilities and have such a gutter-level imagination that I'll just stop here)

Tony: my skin is crawling with the image of that man in those tiny seats

Hannah: actually there were no rubber gloves involved, however with Betty in charge, I'd be a tad worried... :)

CC: Never joke with anyone carrying a badge. If they have a badge and a gun, do not even make eye contact. However if they are carrying a badge and a boom-box, break out the $1's

Rebecca: Here's hoping

Playground doin's

So I have been not as active in the blogoshpere recently. Maybe you noticed??

What's up dennis? Where have you been? Whatcha been doin?

Nothing too extreme. I'll start with the sad news. There has been a death in the family. A great-uncle recently passed. The worst part is that even though he had been in poor health, it was an auto accident and the dreaded 'hospital virus' that did him in.

It also looks like grandma will also be leaving us soon. However since cancer is eating away at her mind, this might be more a blessing for her.

********************************************************************************

By the way, the number of popups that report on 'this' status or 'that' number or the 'number of times' I blinked my eyes last minute status--is driving me crazy!

*******************************************************************************

Ok, conversations around the playground:

me: girl.imp, you are getting darker. Pretty soon your tan will be as dark as that chair.
girl.imp: yeah! and you won't be able to see me while I'm sitting here.
me: I know. But your still not as dark as niece.imp
g.imp: I am too!
n.imp: no you are not. I am still darker than you
g.imp: yeah but I'm darker than your boobies!
(me - shutting up because this conversation just took one of those turns that means I should be finding some sort of project to complete in another location--like the garage!)
n.imp: You have not even seen my boobies yet!
me: yet??
(what yet? does there have to be a yet? why are we even anticipating a yet? Why am I still sitting here and not tinkering with the lawnmower or something? YET?)

Two things happened recently that really have highlighted my age:

First: Hair has been growing out of my ears like I have been soaking them in Miracle Grow. I am seriously beginning to ponder using the Laser Hair removal system on my ears!

Second: Because I am hyper-sensitive of this ear hair growth, I have become aware of this one hair that had been growing inside my left ear. I had been picking at it, rubbing it and trying to pull it out for 2 days now. Finally during the middle of dinner I decided it had to go.

Yes, I left the dinner table to use wife.imp's tweezers to pluck a hair out of my ear! I have become that anal!!

Lord help me when i hit my 40s!!

ahhhhh, Spring

Yes, Spring! When a young man's fancy turns to power tools. Because his wife spent all winter stuck in a house and making precise notes on what is wrong, needs replaced/fixed/refurbished...

So I was home today after taking the car down to the dealership because of a recall notice we received. You know the typical recall: Seatbelt latch malfunctions, Steering wheel assembly might fall apart, gas pedal gets stuck...

My recall: Anti-lock brakes might malfunction.

ooooookaaaaaay! Yep. It was an early morning appointment. Problem with early morning appointments is that they eventually have to end. This means that along with the 'To Do' list that is staring me in the face, I got to see my yard during daylight hours. So I pulled out the mower and hacked and thrashed my way from Hillbilly Haven to sterile, green, urban beauty.

'Course we still have a neighbor with dandilions approx 8" tall (suckers!!). I know they have grass under the the weeds somewhere. But what can you do about people like that??

LOL :)

It Is a New Week and What Shall I Do with My Time?

Well today wife.imp took off for a day trip to NJ. So I continued the streak and got the imps up and out the door EARLY!!

On my way to drop girl.imp off at her school I noticed a disturbing trend occurring with my neighbors' yards. No I am not talking about the alarming number of outdoor Christmas decors popping up like winter mushrooms. However, might I remind you folks of a little known holiday we used to observe here in the mid-west?

Thanksgiving..??

Anywho, the problem was that the yards were neat, green and utterly leafless. I gave this long and careful consideration while travelling the byroads back to the manse. I might have a few leaves littering my yard. But are they enough to warrant spending the day in the yard???


The Backyard


The Deck


The Front Yard

Imps Standard Sleeping Arrangements...

Before I get into last night's sleeping arrangements, I have to relate why I believe boy.imp will be a grease monkey as he grows.

Saturday I was power-washing the front of the 'ole homestead (trying for one last 'buff and polish' prior to the winter grays) and I noticed a definite lack of b.imp. He was gone. So I took off on a fast trot and soon found b.imp in the garage in the process of dismantling my lawn mower. The actual, real, not a toy, uses gas and oil lawn mower. Fortunately he had only just removed the oil cap/dip stick...


Back to the aforementioned sleeping arrangements:

8:30 p.m. Both imps in bed in their separate bedrooms.
9:00 p.m. Both imps in our bed: Awake. Alert. Enthusiastic.
9:30 p.m. Both imps in our bed: girl.imp in her undies only and boy.imp in his diaper only. Awake. Alert. Enthusiastic.
10:30 p.m. Both imps in our bed but asleep.

LONG PAUSE

3:00 a.m. (yes, you read this right) moved both imps to g.imp's bed (both still nearly naked). 2 pairs of eyes watch me leave room. (sinking feeling in my stomach)
3:15 a.m. b.imp back in our bed, whining and dressed (with fresh diaper)
3:18 a.m. g.imp standing in our door, still only in her undies.
3:18:15 a.m. g.imp, b.imp, wife.imp and I crowded into our full-sized (again there is nothing wrong with your eyes here) bed.
3:20 a.m. I am in b.imp's bed, wife.imp, b.imp & g.imp share the master bed.
3:21 a.m. b.imp throws a fit and moves to his bed with me.
3:22 a.m. b.imp throws a fit and wants everyone to move to his bed.
3:25 a.m. g.imp moves to b.imp's bed with me and b.imp (wife.imp gets to sleep in peace)
3:45 a.m. I pass out
5:30 a.m. I wake up, freezing cold because g.imp and b.imp share all pillows and covers
5:30:01 a.m. I move to the couch with spare comforter--toasty warm at last!

We really, really, really need to learn how to use the door locks!!

There was one other note tonight. It seems the imps are hell bent on turning my garnet lockes gray and AFTER tonight's action, new bathing rules WILL be established:

For those of you with lots of siblings, do you remember the days in your youth when you shared the tub with one or more sibs?

Tonight might just be the last night our imps share a bath. Not only because g.imp (being 4 years the elder) is developing faster...well yes, entirely because she is developing faster. I washed both imps without an incident and had turned to grab the towels:

Me: Stand up and get ready to get out...
g.imp: not yet...not before I suck the milk out of your boobie
b.imp: (shrieks with laughter)

I turn and found g.imp firmly latched onto b.imp's right nipple

I think I need a drink. Something that has triple digits in front of the word 'proof' and somewhere in the description should be the words 'wood grain' or 'white lightening'