Sunday, April 29, 2007

Am I reading too much into...

...the fact that when boy.imp runs he runs with arms fully extended downwardish. The arms do swing but the elbows are locked. If his arms were legs, he'd be goose-stepping. Of course wife.imp did find a way to make this image the silver lining. Boy.imp could be running with elbows bent with his hands spread wide, flapping in the wind near his face...

I actually believe that it is an age-related movement. The thing is boy.imp likes to run. Alot. And when he does, there are those arms. If only he would bend the elbows, just a little bit...

Update for girl.imp. She is starting to really express her personality around the house. Thing is, it is a bit bossy (of course outside the house with somebody else's children I will describe her as being merely a little assertive). I am just waiting for that first vic boyfriend to stop by the house and ask to take her out to a movie...Lord help the man she decides to marry LOL :)

Thought for the day: You know you've eaten too many McDonald's burgers when you pass gas and are immediately reminded of the vat of hot french fry grease...

Friday, April 27, 2007

It's been a while, so what has Boy.Imp been up to?

Yesterday, boy.imp decided to get the evening rolling:

b.imp: mom, you've got a big butt

Later he was curled up on me and I was in the process of shifting him off of me when he reached down and squeezed.

b.imp: daddy? Is that your ping-ping?
me: (turning my head to cough--sorry but some learned movements are hard to get over)
b.imp: daddy?
me: uhhh--yes.
b.imp: why is it sticking up?

at this point wife.imp began to seriously monitor our conversation...(and no! I was not in one of those 'excited' states. Let's just say I that I am happy with God's bounty)

me: uhhhhh...Because there is no where else to put it.

Even later, boy.imp was staring at my face (ok, I thought it was my face)

b.imp: daddy, why do you have so much hair in your nose?

Based on these conversations, I think I will simply refuse to undress when he is anywhere near...

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

We got home late from work and decided to eat out

Because I was not getting in until after 7:30pm and wife.imp would not be there until 7. So we went to the local 'down on the farm' eatery.

I arrived 30 minutes or so after wife.imp and the fam were seated and orders were taken (I issued my choice of fare over the phone). Thirty minutes later wife.imp flagged down the wai--server and inquired on the status of our meals, offering to go cook them herself is such help was needed.

It apparantly was. We later learned the cook was taking multiple breaks (however this news seemed to surprise the manageress). Speaking of the manageress, she soon stopped by and was grilled about her work history by girl.imp. I mean she really went after the woman, asking where her last two positions were and why she moved to different locations, etc..etc...

Ivanka Trump move over, girl.imp is ready to storm the Trump castle!!

Wife.imp reiterated her desire to help the kitchen staff, as, after our first complaint, only two of the 5 entrees appeared. The last to be served was boy.imp and he ordered scrambled eggs with bacon!

I more or less decided I was tired. I drove almost 320 miles today. My dialogue was rapidly filling with 4-letter words and I was silently casting asperations on the manager's family (past, present and future) and on the ability of the staff in general. Needless to say, I thought it best not to add vocalization to my wandering thoughts.

In days gone by, I would have followed the tried and true method of allowing the imps to play haphazardly with the glass tablesettings. I figure either the staff will bring food out to the imps to keep their hands/mouths occupied or they will take their time and hope the glass shrapnel flying through the air does not find the other diners...

However, I do not think this establishment with the 'country red' coat of paint will soon see our shadows darken its doors!

On a positive note the Reds spanked the Cardinals and Junior hammered #1 of the year to deep right field!

Good days!!

Monday, April 23, 2007

After School Intrigue

So, girl.imp gets off the bus today and completes her homework while watching the History Channel's presentation of the search for Soddom and Gamorah (sp?). yes, instead of Disney I decided that edu-programing on the Educational Death Ray was preferrable whilst I churned out a mile or so on the treadmill.

Where was I?
Oh, after completing her homework, she wants to show me how a) a dog pees, and then b) how 'I' pee.

I am assuming that with all the hip shaking and hand waving antics, 'I' is a general statement for the male gender.

Speaking of girl.imp's activities...Yesterday she asks me (without any preamble...and yes, we men need preamble like you ladies need foreplay. Juuuuust saying a little lead-in on some conversations would be appreciated!!)

girl.imp: daddy? why does mom have a lot of hair down there and I don't have any?
me: (I was unable to answer as my heart was trying to climb into my brain and strangle it before any coherent words could be formed. I was also having trouble breathing as I just swallowed some soda pop down the wrong tube in my throat)

We eventually worked out that both boys and girls eventually got hair 'down there' and left the rest to the vaguaries of the future where wife.imp might (hopefully) field the next set of questions.

I am starting to understand why my dad had this lifelong fascination with working in the garage or under cars during our own youth...

Sunday, April 22, 2007

5 More things

boy.imp: Mommy, why are your eyes cracked?

wife.imp fielded this question during brunch this a.m. Until this morning, she had convinced herself that she did not actually have laugh lines (re: crows feet).

Later that day:
w.imp to b.imp: Hey! What are you...No touching my chest!...And he was not just touching it, dad. He was jiggling it!

That's my boy!

So what were 5 most memorable quotes to leave your lips:
(Some of these you might remember if you have been reading this blog.)

5: "'Capitol City' is an hour that way. If you get lost, and you shouldn't, I-270 is the outerbelt around the city and High Street cuts through the city north and south and Broad Street cuts through the city east and west. I'll see you tonight."

This might not have been so bad but put into context this is what I told wife.imp 2 weeks after she arrived 'in-country' to marry me. We were living in my parents house and she needed to find a job. I was working for the local daily and had to rush off to work and she, knowing we were moving to the 'big city' as soon as possible, was job hunting. This would also be her first time in this particular city by herself.

She actually did not catch the next flight out and stayed around for the wedding!!

4. "Come on guys, let's keep it quiet. Our parents don't want to wake up first thing in the morning to us fighting!"

I was probably 14 and the family was camping with another family and we kids had been up early. So early that the inevitable fight was just starting to break out and we still had not had breakfast. All I can say is that the mom of the other family was gearing herself up to break up the fight when I piped up.

I could do no wrong that day...

3. "So, (insert girl's name) when are you going to take me to a dinner and a movie?"

Oddly enough this was the most effective pick-up line I ever used. When nothing else would work, I'd whip this out and eventually was able to bring up the subject of whipping something else out...

2. "Price-check on register 1! Price-check on register 1!"

Yes, I once worked for Kroger's. I once embarrassed this hot, college babe one night because she came through the line with a giant-mega box of tampons that just would not scan. I tried 7 or 8 times to get the thing to scan before grabbing the box and waving it in the air demanding the price check.

I'd like to state here and now that I got both the price and a very nice date...

1. "That has got to be the ugliest baby I have ever seen."

Yes, I did actually say this. I was at my then-girlfriend's house. Her parents, siblings (including sister-in-law and said baby's mother) were all present and accounted for. To this day then-girlfriend's mom has not forgiven me. Her sis-in-law still laughs. The baby is getting married or might be already married this year.

Saturday, April 21, 2007

5 More Questions!

Yes, Pageant Mom forwarded 5 questions (because I volunteered. Did I learn nothing from my near enlistment into the military those many, many, many moons ago??)

1) What is one word that describes you best and why??

Delusional. I am a thin guy in a fat man's suit and I keep thinking I look svelte but occassionally will find myself eating that bowl of chocolate covered ice cream after 11 p.m. That and I am a slave to the golden arches but claim that I eat healthy.

Can you recognize your faults and still be called delusional?

2) If you won the lottery, what would be the very first thing you would do (after passing out cold and having to be revived...)?

1) Pay off the bad debt
2) Invest in our retirements
3) Set up a family fund for college tuitions
(to be accessed only after it sits collecting interest for at least 5 years - nothing less than a 'B' average will be acceptable to keep on this dole. 'Cause if you're getting a free ride on my $$ you better be studying!!)

3) What one physical possession do you own that you think most defines your personality?

My new Palladium Shoes!! KIDDING!! (They are Suh-weet tho!)
Acutally it is my laptop! Yes, the portable computer. Its a dependable, hard-worker, sporty, versitile and the potential is untapped!

4) How do you think the internet has changed society the most?

I think it has made it easier for people to communicate without really getting to know each other. It builds a world-wide neighborhood, except the neighbors are not asked to go outside and interact face to face. So we are creating a lot of intimate strangers.

5) If you were to be reincarnated, and you could NOT come back as a human being, what would you come back as and why?

Silk threads! I can see by the expressions on your faces that you doubt me. Ok, follow the logic:

First the worm will squeeze the threads out its a** (ok, not a pretty beginning but...). Then the thread is collected and processed and reformed into 'sexy' (see, I am moving up in the world) lingerie. Said clothing article is purchased and worn by hot babes and I spend the rest of my life caressing said hot babes...

Or life as Cougar sounds interesting. Mountain views, free to roam, no cell phones/pagers/text messaging, no shoes where the shoelaces constantly come untied and drag through cold, wet, bacteria-enriched puddles...

You can keep this going by posting the rules under your answers!!
Leave me a comment saying, "Interview me."
I will respond by asking you five questions. I get to pick the questions.
You will update your weblog with the answers to the questions.
You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.
When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Ye ole interview questions

Mama of 2 posted some interview questions on her site and it appears that this trend is sweeping the blogosphere. So I upped and volunteered and Mo2 supplied the following questions :)

1. In a prodominately mommyblog filled world what drove you to start blogging?
For a while there I was a full-time SAHD. But I felt that with a (then) toddler and pre-schooler that my creative outlet was stifled. I simply did not have the energy to pursue my writing and Wife.Imp got tired of hearing me complain. She also is an avid NPR listener and heard about the rise in blogging, specifically daddy bloggers and she finally told me to shut up and type--just don't embarrass her.

2. What's the most important thing you have learned from your children so far?
The most important thing I have learned from my children is to loosen up and let the inner child loose.

3. If you and your wife could switch places for a day, would you and why?
Hell No! Nothing against wife.imp, she is a fabulous person and I am lucky to have met her. However, I really like me too. Yep, I am happy with who I am and I have to admit that since puberty women start leaking from various parts of their bodies for a wide assortment of reasons and I am not the least bit tempted to experience that kind of fun, not even for just one day!

4. What qualities do you think make you a good dad?
I give the imps lots and lots of ice cream! Actually I like to challenge the imps to be creative and not be afraid to try new things. If you let fear of failure stop you, you stop growing as a person and you fall short of your potential.

5. If you won the lottery do you think it would change your moral center?
Well, it will definately change our location! But we are on fairly firm footing with the moral center issue.

So to anyone that is interested, I'll interview YOU!
Here's what you do:
1. *Leave me a comment saying, "Interview me." *
2. *I will respond by asking you five questions. I get to pick thequestions. *
3. *You will update your weblog with the answers to the questions. *
4. *You will include this explanation and an offer to interviewsomeone else in the same post. *
5. *When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask themfive questions.*

Be sure to add this at the end of your questions so that people that read your blog can ask you to interview them.

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Something has been bothering me for some time...I have not made fun of any politicians or politics in general recently

When I was a reporter we loved to make fun of politicians, behind their backs of course. Or in front of their faces if they made us cover a banquet at which we, the working press, were not offered a plate!

If you think any press (including bad press) is good press for a politician, try stiffing the media at a banquet! (am I right or am I right, James?)

anyway, I got this in my email from a relative:

Political Science for Dummies:

You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. Barbara Streisand sings for you.

You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So?

SOCIALIST You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour.

You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

You have two cows. Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pour the milk down the drain.


You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up.

You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to lunch and drink wine. Life is good.

You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cowand produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

You have two cows. You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

You have two cows but you don't know where they are. While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life is good.

You have two cows. You have some vodka. You count them and learn you have five cows. You have some more vodka. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

You have all the cows in Afghanistan , which are two. You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts. You get a $40 million grant from the US government to findalternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.

You have two cows. They go into hiding. They send radio tapes of their mooing.

You have two bulls. Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.

You have one cow. The cow is schizophrenic. Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish. The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow. The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk. The cow asks permission to be cut in half. The cow dies happy.

You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone votes for the best looking one. Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some people can't figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best-looking cow.

You have millions of cows. They make real California cheese. Only five speak English. Most are illegals. Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.

Monday, April 16, 2007

Just WHAT were you thinking, dennis?

Yes, this might be one of those moments where I might have been better off turning up the radio and not answering the question...

We were on our way to martial arts and girl.imp was in her mode of wanting to ask and ask and ask questions (meanwhile Twisted Sister, Foreigner, and AC/DC were playing on the radion and I was starting to feel mellow).

g.imp: daddy, what part of your body has the most nerves?
me: hmmm?
g.imp: what part of your body has the most nerves?
me: (laughter)

Not the belly laughter that happens when I run across an old Abbott and Costello recording. No this is the near insane laughter that happens when you are trapped in a moving vehicle with a kid who asks a question and the first thought in your mind is to answer 'gee honey, that would be my penis.'

Yes, I thought penis, the brain center, the obvious answer, except that I did not want to utter this sentence out loud. Not with wife.imp's 19-year-old niece sitting next to me and not with g.imp being only 7-years-old. (However since I started laughing, niece.imp started laughing and I kept laughing and n.imp kept laughing...)

I actually said 'your eye has the most nerves'. I lied. It is the penis. I know this because when I was 10sh and my little brother was 9sh and he reaaaaaally reaaaaaaally started to annoy me, that is where I kicked little brother (while wearing cowboy boots). I nailed little bro's 'nads about 11 a.m, and I was aiming for the uprights! He did not make it out of bed for dinner.

Proof positive of where the nerves are located.

Bedtime for boy.imp:
He was told to put his cars away. Those parents out there know when the imp gets that certain look, the set jaw, the glinting eyes and the 1,000 yard stare, that Peace-In-The-Household just packed its bags and went on an extended vacation.

Yep, he started throwing the toys. I chastised him and got The Stare. Then b.imp turned back to the toy box and launched another toy car. I gave serious thought about sending Restraint on the same vacation Peace-In-The-Household just left us for. However, b.imp is a lefty aaaaand he was putting some serious heat on the delivery.

Punish him for 'showing me up' or start planning on contacting pro scouts when he enters high school?

A lefty. A lefty with what looks like could be a really really sweet delivery...

I rolled another car to him, 'Here don't forget this one...'

Since her arrival, we have been foisting our favorite programming off on n.imp. You have read the posts (yes, I'm talking to you Maria) and you have seen the torture: 'Dr. Who', 'Voltes V', Cincinnati Reds' baseball, and if she shows herself tonight? CNN's 'Whitehouse Correspondents Dinner - The Clinton Years'.

Saturday, April 14, 2007

I'm a little confused on the proprieties here

When one flashes the priest during mass, does one get a free pass to heaven? I mean, is this like during the middle ages when the Church sold indulgences?

Flash a priest and receive an instant pass to heaven? Or is this more or less jumping with both feet into the basket racing the other direction?

Before you ask, I did not flash the priest. Girl.Imp did. During Easter Mass we arrived later than most, yet still before Mass started so we were relegated to standing in the back of the Church in direct Line-Of-Sight of said Priest. It was during one of those moments when everybody was seated, so that she was more easily observed, that she decided her tights needed adjusting. So she flipped the front of her dress up to her shoulders and grabbed her tights, pulling them out as far as they would stretch then began a sawing motion to pull them higher. Flip, pull, AND repeat.

We stood there absolutely stunned. I mean, we TAUGHT her better, did we not?

Ok, so she also likes to smell her armpits, while dressed to the 'T's and make that PEEEEE-YEEEEW grimace. But to calmly flash a priest during the celebration of Mass during the most Holy day of the year??? (yes this would also include Christmas and St. Patrick's Day)

At least girl.imp is in fact a girl imp!

Friday, April 13, 2007

Therapeutic Shopping

Two words that should never go together in the English Language (like banana catsup, TomKat, Bennifer, Socialite Celebrities, Reality T.V., Florida Gators and National Champions...). These two words, Therapeutic Shopping, once spoken cause a chilled, spike of fear in the soul of any male within a 2 square-mile radius.

Therapeutic Shopping...Just hearing the words causes goosebumps in places where goosebumps have never been.

There are few other words or phrases that can cause such a viceral reaction. Words like, 'We'.

As in, 'We really need to do something about the kitchen...'
For those of you who do not own houses, this means that 'We' (wife.imp) have finally rubbed the last nerve raw with the current setup in said kitchen and have decided to remodel. Since the other 1/2 of the 'we' missed out on the opportunity of bringing said 'defects' to light HE gets to tear out the old cabinets, sinks, light fixtures and install new cabinets, sinks (and all associated plumbing) and light fixtures.

'We' are also remodeling a bathroom, the front yard, the laundry room and 'we' shall also be re-painting the house inside and out.

Another phrase the should warn men to clamp the muzzle over that offensive orifice is, '...I don't know. You pick.'

As in: You pick the parking space, but if it is outside the radius I am prepared to comfortly exert myself in walking from the car to the store...'
You pick the restaurant...we need not really go here (same with movies, t.v. programs and vaca locations).

So, when wife.imp came home bummed out from a week of unremitting work, weather, imps and achy feet, I offered to take her out.

I was thinking coffee and perhaps a movie...?

Wife.imp had other ideas. Jo-Ann's Fabrics was option 1. Crafts, Crafty Ideas and buckets of craft crap lined side by side with reams of fabric.

Testosterone not allowed.

But she forgot her measurements. Darn! The movie option was starting to breath with new life!!

Until Option 2 poked its head around the corner. Shoe shopping.

Guys notice the second word in this phrase: Shoe shopping. Seems simple. Sounds simple. The idea that comes to mind is go out, look at/for new shoes, buy them and leave.

Huh uhhhhhhhh! The actual idea is thus: Go out, look at new (not for, unless they meet some archaic color/style/price/moon phase scheme that only women know) shoes, repeat. Still not satisfied? Repeat again.

BUT wife.imp mentioned DSW. DSW sells shoes for men! While wife.imp was 'shopping', I could browse. Browsing is the same as shopping, except men can circle the room, hands in pockets and see every pair of shoes, count the stitches in the souls, read the little label thingies talking about how eco friendly the shoes are and repeat by the time the female shopper looks at 2 pair of shoes.

DSW also has a giant plasma t.v. locked into ESPN. So, I was not too put off by this option.

After entering and seperating (me running as fast and hard I as could for the corner of the store where the men's shoes were hidden) I found two pair that I might not mind having. I even circled the remainder of the men's stock and then went and told wife.imp I was thinking about picking up the two pair.

She was working through her 2nd aisle.

So I went back, rewalked the men's stock and tried on my ('cause I was buying them) shoes to make certain they fit then stood in line for 10 minutes to pay for them then went back to wife.imp who was finishing her first round through the store.

The store closed somewhere between her 2nd and 3rd rotation. However, I had mine so all was well!!

Therapeutic Shopping. I could learn to like this phrase!

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

When One Cannot Think of Anything to Say

because wife.imp wants nothing in print that would be embarrassing...

Meaning Sex is OUT (not that talk about our sex life would be embarrassing, I know that I have no complaints aaaaaand, more to the point, I have not yet heard her complain...). Anyway I am off topic. The imps did nothing today that would be noteworthy...well blogworthy.

So I am back on my fall back position of my great, worldwide, Google Anonymity:

- Berlin
- Hungen, Hessen: Search= 5 seconds addicting games:
Dude, if you can break away from these games in 5 seconds then you are MY IDOL!

- Bellville, Ontario
- Deseronto, Ontario
- Bedford, Nova Scotia

Costa Rica, San Jos, San Jose

Portugal, Pontinha, Lisboa: ISP Address=Centro Informatica do Exercito - I am being researched by the Portugese version of the CIA! : Search=imp speaks - Every day. And I can be heard here:!!

Italy, Rome, Lazio: ISP Address=Telecom Italia S.p.A. TIN EASY LITE, Search = Imps: The Church is searching out Imps on the Internet?? I am disturbed on many levels...

- Ryde, New South Wales
- Melbourne, Victoria

Singapore: Search= imps waiting for what: ummm, i guess the usual. Halos, Forked tails, Triplets, Lottery Numbers that actually get picked by the Ping-Pong Ball spitter outer machine and not just my dreams...Did I mention triplets?

Spain, Valencia, Comunidad Valencia

Panama, Paitilla

- City of Industry- No! Really? In California?? the land of fun, sun and surf?? What's next Spuds in Idaho?

- Berkeley - I am now fulfilled as a blogger!!
- Harbor City: Search= Stick figure torture game at Two things leap to mind. 1)living in a city that is essentially a harbor would drive me frackin' nuts. 2) I understand the search

Maryland, Annapolis: Hello to the Cadets!!

Pennsylvania, Easton- Cool! A city named after one of our Malls!!

New York:
- Potsdam: Search – Matt Damon, north Andover, Ma:
My Matt Damon Factor is Alive and Well!!
- Centereach

New Mexico, Las Cruces: Search - fat man couch potato- thanks! have you been speaking to wife.imp? :(

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

James Taylor is Dead to Me...

No, I am not boycotting his music, he had done nothing to be targeted by my ire...I was just driving and one of his songs came on the radio and I turned to wife.imp:

"Who sings this song? I know his name! He's that guy that looks like Bert! You know, from Sesame Street?"

wife.imp: Yeah, well not when he was younger and had hair!
(note to self: do not make fun of aging rock stars that wife.imp adores...)

Which means that if James Taylor is Bert, then Jack Black HAS to be Ernie!

Sooo on a personal note, I have to admit that I am aging. I've known for years that aging is not something I will be able to escape. Gray has mixed in with my beard but what has reaaaally begun to disturb me is that the gray has also migrated ... lower.

At least the hair that tries to gain a foothold by growing out of my ears still retains some pigment!!

Monday, April 09, 2007

We Here at the Playground Must Bid You goodbye...

as we will be planning extensive travel for the next few years (as verified by what I found in my email tonight)...


Dear Partner,
I presumed that all is well with you and your family. Please let this do not be a surprise proposal to you because i got your contact information from the international directory in few weeks ago before i decided to contact you on this magintude and lucrative transaction for our future survival in life. Moreover, i have laid all the solemn trust in you before i decided to disclose this successful & confidential transaction to you.

I AM MR. AB MUS, THE CHIEF AUDITOR INCHARGE OF FOREIGN REMITTANCE UNIT of our bank and i have had the intent to contact you over this financial transaction worth the sum of NINTEEN MILLION, THREE HUNDRED THOUSAND UNITED STATES DOLLARS ($19,300,000.00 ) for our success.This is an abandoned sum that belongs to one of our bank foreign customers who died along with his entire family through plane crash disaster since few years ago. Meanwhile i was very fortune to came across the deceased file when i was arranging the old and abandoned customers files in other to sign and submit to the entire bank management for an official re-documentation and audit of the year against 2007.

Be informed clearly that it was stated in our banking rules and regulations which was signed lawfully that if such fund remains unclaimed till the period of 5 years started from the date when the beneficiary died, the money will be transferred into the treasury as an unclaimed fund. As an honour and advantage bestowed to our foreign customers base on the rules guideing our bank, it was stated obviously that if you are not a Burkina Faso citizen, you have the absolute authority to claim the fund hence you are a foreigner despite your differences from the country of origin of the deceased. So the request of you as a foreigner is necessary to apply for the claim and transfer of the fund smoothly into your reliable bank account as the NEXT OF KIN OR EXTENDED RELATIVE to the deceased.

On the transfer of this fund into your account, { 39% } being ( US$7,527,000.00) will be your share in respect of the account provision and your assistance rendered during the transfer of the fund into your bank account,{ 52% } being (US$10,036,000.00) will be my share being the codinator of the transaction while the rest { 9% } being (US$1,737,000.00) will be shared to the respectable Organisations Centers such as Charity Organisation, Motherless Babies homes, and helpless disabled people in the World.

If you are really sure of your trustworthy, accountability and confidentiality on his transaction, contact me and agree that you will not change your mind to cheat or disappoint me when the fund have getting into your account. Besides you should not entertain any fear because i am sure of the success as an insider in the bank ok. Please reply with the assurance, include your private telephone and fax numbers necessary for facilitate an easy communication in this transaction. As soon as you reply , call me through my private telephone number on... so that i will let you know the next step to follow in order to finalize this transaction immediately.
I expect your urgent communication.

Yours sincerely,

New Music for an old Meme

Ok, my 7 song meme has been posted but I have been thinking and today I am changing my pics:


Beethoven gets the axe (tomorrow he might be back) in favor of Ravel's "Bolero"

The Who (I get a bad taste in my mouth even typing this--so for today only) is replaced by
Guns'N'Roses "Welcome to the Jungle"

Queen Cherry Poppin' Daddies Tchaikovsky(I think I might have imbibed waaaaay too much of something to even consider this) is being nixed for Metallica's "Enter the Sandman"

Ok, since I have booted the rest, Scott Joplin is going awol in favor of Neil Diamond's "Brother Loves Travelling Salvation Show"

and what the hell,
Goodbye Queen and replace it with Dwight Yoakam's "Fast As you"

and the Cherry Poppin' Daddies must leave us to be replaced by the Best song of this Century: Matchbox 20's "Bent"

Bonus track would be Aram Khachaturian's "Saber Dance"

Saturday, April 07, 2007

It's Been a Long Weekend and this is why wife.imp rocks!!

As you might remember, I do sometimes work out of the house and this weekend I managed to put almost 600 miles under my belt. On these long trips, I like to mull things over, make plans, imagine what could happen. Sometimes I actually think about the work I am out there trying to accomplish.

A large portion of the time I have managed to overcome writer's block. Other times I like to let my mind wander to the more basic and necessary aspects of life. Yep, I ponder sex.

SEX and Imagination, depending on the circumstances this can either be a man's best, wet dream or the cause of sever anxiety/bleeding ulcers.

I worked a dead-end (re: Fast Food. I did not really have any respect for Federline before his superbowl commercial --which was pretty damn funny--I have even less now because of his apology. Fast Food is not a job to aspire to folks. It is a job to Aspire From!) job and the guy that I worked with had no front teeth, was recently out of the Navy, and he and his wife GOT.IT.ON constantly. I mean the woman would be at home, nekkid, spread-eagled on the Bed before he got his key in the front door!

So, I occassionally try to imagine life without the imps. Just how revved up would our sex-life be if we did not have to worry about which imp was going to walk in on us in the middle of our latest 'wrestling' match? Just think, I come home stressed out from a long day on the road and she is ....

So what really happened is I got home just after wife.imp, who also worked most of the day at the office. However, where I can barely walk a straight line because I am coming off of my latest sugar high, she is cleaning up after dinner and making Carrot Cake, FROM SCRATCH. I went downstairs and let my imagination run its course which didn't take long as it is hard to focus when the kids are sitting on the floor in front of you watching 'That's So Raven' to unwind for a bit.

After, I managed to clear my head, I asked wife.imp if she needed any help (she was ironing clothes and instead of feeling 'groovy' I was starting to feel guilty). Perhaps if we wound things up early, we could adjorn to the bedroom...??

wife.imp suggested I could take the imps colored easter eggs and make egg salad.
Egg Salad? But aren't the imps going to want their eggs in the a.m.??

Wife.Imp then informed me that The Easter Bunny (me) will be substituting candy and chocolates for the hard-boiled beauties. Thereby confirming in the imps' minds the existence of the confectionary happy, holiday hare.

Now, I am imagining something useful...The smiles and laughter from the imps when they wake up and find the surprises waiting them!

Did I ever mention that Wife.Imp ROCKS!!

Thursday, April 05, 2007

That Stinks!

This is wife.imp's newest catch phrase.

Have to get up and take girl.imp to school? That stinks!
Have to get up and pop your own popcorn at night because your husband is in the midst of correcting a scene in his book? That stinks!
Dr. Who marathon (repeating every episode as often as possible)? That stinks!
Husband making not so subtle, erotic requests? Let's skip this one shall we?

In homage to the 'That Stinks' here are some memories of life from my high school, as the 20th reunion is approaching:

1 - My first love in sports was baseball. LOVED IT! However, baseball is a team sport and my peers and I were not close. In fact there were several occassions when dad talked me out of going to school to get into a fight (have I mentioned I am a natural red-head with a natural red-head's, hair-trigger temper???). So when my teammates actually invited me to meet them after practice (we were having a personality conflict) to sort matters out, I decided that participating in a sport with these people, without extra padding, was not the smartest move I could make. WHY?

2 - I watched several people come and go in our school who managed to get onto the wrong side of the 'elite'.
a - One guy, a year ahead of me, was a martial arts freak. One day, seven of his classmates met him after school and helped him obtain a 5-day absence from class. The following week he came back to school and hunted them down one at a time (in between fights he would go to the band room and use the intsrument cabinet doors as target practice for his throwing stars).
b - A new kid joined our school and the 'elite' immediately went after him. The hazing was so bad that one day, during the last period of the day, the sheriff showed up and arrested new kid. Apparently (and I sat next to him during two classes that day) he was carrying a sawed-off shotgun in his school bag. His mistake (and our blessing) is that he actually showed it to someone before he decided the time had come for a little retribution.

3 - Were these people actually that bad? I mean can they have been so out of control that someone would want to shoot them? We had a 'mentally slow' child. Mikey. Could do math in his head that today's computers would be hard pressed to match. Loved basketball. Never seen him not smiling.

They hung a picture of a playboy centerfold in his locker. Just tied two corners to a string and hung it over the coat hook of his locker. Mikey freaked. It was outside his experience. He could not figure out how to take it off and his parents were picking him up at school when I came back in from track practice.

Of course 'everybody' was laughing their asses off, because Mikey missed his bus.

anybody getting the impression I did not like my classmates? need more?

4 - you know the scene. Car stops and offers ride to 'the poor schlup' and pulls off as soon as he starts to get into the car. In high school, I did not always have a car available so sometimes I walked home (10 minutes, maybe fifteen if I walked the long route).
It was a nice day after football practice (I played football exclusively in high school because I found I could hit people as hard as I wanted and would not get into trouble. Of course the only thing I had to do was make sure it was not a cheap shot).

Anyway I chose to walk the long way. So the car full of my teammates pulls up and offers me a ride. Why on earth would I put my life in their hands? I waved them off. By the time I got to their car I could be home anyway. They kept calling, encouraging me to accept the ride.

Hey! I could trust them!!

I waved them off...Come on Dennis...hurry up!! You'll miss your ride! (AS IF!)
So I jogged forward two steps and stopped. The car moved forward 5 feet and stopped. Apparently if I did not put my heart into it, the joke was not funny. So I 'ran slowly' toward the car until they peeled rubber and took off.
What fun!

5 - But Dennis, you had to have good memories? Yes, I did and do. However here is one that started out as a suspicious feeling and, well, you decide:
I and my girlfriend, in our senior year, were voted Cutest Couple 1987. I even have the yearbook to prove it!

Good memories....

Before the actual vote was tallied, a friend told me the cutest couple final vote. BEFORE the actual vote. And why were we picked? Everyone wanted to see us bask in the obvious approval and warm feelings from our peers. Right before we were informed that 'Hey, It's a joke! We really don't feel that way.'

...and yes, I was so informed a few days after the Official notification came out. But by then I could tell them that, guess what? In 20 years nobody will remember.

Sooo, thank you! Howerver, I keep wondering, when one of these reunions will bring up the cutest couple...seriously!

Wednesday, April 04, 2007

Bi-Polar or Menopause?

The personality change was instantaneous, scary, not something that I could have ever foreseen.

We arrived at girl.imp's martial arts class early and boy.imp was still a little sleepy from the ride. We no sooner were seated when boy.imp started on a tear jag that I have not witnessed in a long time.

Big, fat, ladybug-drowning tears splashed down his cheeks and soaked my shirt...Nothing had touched him. He had not fallen down. He did not run into anything. No fever, no bug bites...Nothing!

Finally I coaxed an explanation from him...'i want to put my shoes away...!'

His shoes were off his feet and stacked neatly under my chair. Apparently he was offended that we had not thought to put them in the shoe rack where the students' shoes were stacked....

Girl.Imp walked into the house today and was immediately hooked by Dr. Who (Doomsday). Or as g.imp knows...'the show with the lady in the wedding gown!'

Yes, the indoctrination has begun. As niece.imp (nka: n.imp) is not a huge sports fan, and with such limited time availability, any sports brainwashing efforts would be time wasted (re: Buckeyes Spring Football, Reds Baseball, Indians Baseball).

However, Dr. Who has made inroads!!

On our way to martial arts, g.imp asked: "...does God like Dr. Who?"
me: does he what?
g.imp: Does God like Dr. Who?
me: I don't think God really cares about the Doctor
g.imp: Yes he does! Because God is everywhere and the Doctor is part of God's creation!
me: Oh?? Yes, then God LUUUUUUVS Dr. Who!!

Yes, folks! Blaspheming our way through life here at the Playground!!

Tuesday, April 03, 2007

Three Things Meme - because I have absolutely nothing to talk about

Oh, my niece (wife.imp's brother's daughter) is visiting from the Philippines. Other than that -- I have nothing. Nothing new...soooo

here is the Meme which I first saw at Undercover Angel's blog (see link in right hand column):

Three Things That Scare Me:
(the books I can fill up with this...)
1. Disease (I have a lifelong balancing act with Hemochromatosis as it is - I really would like to not add to this list)
2. Heights (My siblings thinks this stems from the fact that I fell out of a few trees when I was younger)
3. Retirement (with the way the gov't is spending - I might not live to confront this fear)

Three People Who Make Me Laugh:
1. wife.imp
2. girl.imp
3. boy.imp

Three Things I Love:
(can we repeat answers? No?...)
1. Spring
2. Fall
3. Winter - but only when it snows

Three Things I Hate:
1. Winter - immediately after the snow stops and that time when it rains/sleets but does not snow
2. Most morning shows on the radio - talktalktalkblahblahblah----NOT FUNNY!
3. Mosquitos

Three Things I Don’t Understand:
1. Going to the beach
2. Why doesn't wife.imp ever smell a dirty diaper even though the odor eminating from boy.imp's rear could knock a buzzard off of a sh@@@ wagon at 30 paces???
3. Why so many people give a damn about 'Street Cred'???

Three Things On My Desk:
1. Broken Printer
2. Empty Ink Cartridge box for said broken printer
3. Digital Camera

Three Things I’m Doing Right Now:
1. Avoiding starting dinner
2. Wondering where today's paper got to so that I can start the crossword
3. Revising the last scene in my book...I need to get to it again tonight

Three Things I Want To Do Before I Die:
1. Eco-Tourist
2. Triplets - ahem - Run a Marathon
3. Purchase the Cleveland Browns

Three Things I Can Do:
1. Clean the wax out of my ears
2. Mow the lawn
3. Remodel the bathroom and kitchen in my house (wife.imp has the lists started)

Three Things I Can’t Do:
1. Squeeze Blood from a Stone
2. Feign interest in watching another episode of 'Law and Order'
3. Sing

Three Things I Think You Should Listen To:
1. Well written poetry
2. John Huston narrating anything
3. The Doctor

Three Things You Should Never Listen To:
1. Peer Pressure
2. Pop Culture
3. Connie Chung (HUGELY disappointed with her professional ethics)

Three Things I’d Like To Learn:
1. German
2. Tagalog
3. Sketch Art - using ink as the medium

Three Favorite Foods:
1. Tsynigang
2. My sausage stuffing
3. Ham Loaf

Three Shows I Watched As A Kid:
1. The A-Team
2. Shazam!
3. The Electric Company

Three Things I Regret:
1. Not going out of my way to at least say hello to a brother and sister in our school. She dropped out in 8th grade (it might have been earlier) because she was pregnant. Her brother hung himself from the rafters of a barn a year earlier
2. Not learning to ignore peer pressure earlier in life
3. Not following through with Fencing in college. I was invited to join the team but at the same time I really got into my major and thought I would not be able to handle the time conflicts

Three Reasons Why I'm Not Going To Tag Anyone:
1. Three people read my post and one of them already did this meme
2. If they did not do it, would it reflect on how they view me or would I find out that they did not read my post..? My ego might not withstand that kind of rejection :)
3. When was the last time I ever said 'tag you're it'?