Tuesday, February 27, 2007

You Know You Wanted to Hear More from Boy.Imp..

Dissed by boy.imp:
After his bath Monday night, boy.imp decided to question me on the color of his socks:

b.imp: what color are my socks
me: ummm gray
b.imp: blah blah blah, no they're not
(walking over to his dresser and pulling out pants)
b.imp: these are gray and these, daddy are you looking? Daddy, you need to listen to me! These pants are gray and these pants are gray. My socks are darker. So they cannot be gray. They are black! Not.Gray. Black!
me: smiling (you suck)

Tuesday Troubles:
Just before sitting down for dinner b.imp requested a diaper change. So off to his bedroom where he demands that we wait. He is not quite done filling the diaper. So he stands next to his bed, leaning on the mattress with his eyes scrunched tight and proceeds to grunt.

Me: hoooookaaaay! Call me when you're done.

Multi-tasking at bathtime:
In order to push boy.imp into his pj's faster (hence to bed sooner), I brushed his teeth while he was in the shower. Now, if I can only figure out a way to clip his nails at the same time...

Wednesday Woes:
Last night I walked into the house and remembered it was trash day. So I start policing the house in preparation of taking that last bag to the trash can and hauling the whole, lumping mess down to the end of the drive.

b.imp: Daddy! The floor is got mud on it. Daddy you put mud all over the floor!
(yes, boy.imp should have been in bed. yes, boy.imp is PO'd!)
me: Ok, I'll clean it up in a minute
b.imp: Mommy! Daddy put mud all over the floors. Mommy, daddy made a mess
me: ok...OK! I'm cleaning it up! Go back to bed.
b.imp: ok. Goodnight daddy.
me: (smiling) goodnight...(you suck)

"...Today Was My Most Awfulest Day In School Ever...!!!!"

This is the cry I got after getting the imps home after school.

By the way, last week girl.imp had strep, today boy.imp was diagnosed with MAJOR sinus infections and my eyes have been itching and my throat is sore...

I say this because both imps are cranky and not 10 minutes after getting home I hear boy.imp wailing.

It seems g.imp lost her temper and 'squeezed' b.imp's back. So daddy leaps into action and wheedles the info then 'equally' punishes everyone in the room.

More wailing, gnashing of teeth, rending of clothing then IT happens.

What is IT?

Gym Class!

It was the bane of my youth. Really dennis? But..

Well, for 3 months of the year it was the bane of my youth. Our gym teach was also the wrestling coach. I love sports! I do not love wrestling. Never have. Never will.

For three months of the year, in gym, we wrestled. I just stopped dressing. No doctor's note. No parents note. No gym clothes. Upon being threatened with failing gym, I went home and informed my mom that I might fail and explained. She allowed me to have my way, 'as long as I truly understood the ramifications of my actions.'

Back to g.imp. She.Hates.Gym. She.Hates.Rrunning.Sweating.Sports-In-General. Today was even worse because the 'better' students were pushing her in line and running her down (but not loud enough for the teacher to hear).

After this confession (and the fact that the gym teacher witnessed nothing), I comforted her.

me: hey, as long as you are trying then you tell them that you are doing your best and to leave you alone. if they don't like it, tell them they are the ones who should leave the line.
g.imp: but they might tell 'blind-as-a-bat-and-deaf-as-a-knob' teacher! and then she'll call you!!
me: Great! I want her to call me! If you tried to do your best and your classmates harrassed you and then your teacher wants to call me?? I'll go to school that day (or if I am too far away the next day)!!

And I'll bring wife.imp's Dalek with me! I'll go through the halls to confront this teacher while the Dalek screams, 'Exterminate! Exterminate! Exterminate!'

Yes, I grew up in redneck kuntry. And be damned if I'll not use every tool to hand ifn' I hafta go to bat for my young'uns!!

mess with imps and you'll get 100% of me in your face!

(curiously, as I type this I told b.imp to clean up the mess of crayons on my floor, instead of picking up his crayons (and boy.imp is freakishly neat) he is opting to strip all the paper off of each one then he throws everything away)

Monday, February 26, 2007

"Six Strange Things about Me" Meme

Every so often I realize that I missed out on something around the Playground. So I have to fall back on other things and the latest meme to go around the bloggernet is this one.

Just in time to bore you:

1: I cannot stand being around sick people (strangers, relatives, friends, cats, dogs, birds, fish...myself). I've been this way since visiting my grandmother in the hospital (I was 14 or 15) just before she passed. Come to think of it, I do not really enjoy being inside of hospitals either.

2: I love books! I love to read. I have always loved to read. I finished Alex Haley's 'Roots' when I was 9 years-old and the LOTR trilogy by the time I was 11. By the time I was 14, I had finished every Ray Bradbury, Zane Grey and Alexander Dumas book I could find.

I do not have a lot of faith in my math, science and foriegn language skills. But I do like me my books.

3: I have been hit, as a pedestrian, by 2 cars, ran a car into a culvert ditch and flipped a car at 65-miles-per-hour, but the worst 2 accidents I have had outside of a car were:

  • when I was 6sh, I ran my bicycle full-speed into a curb, trying to pop-a-wheelie, and ended up somersaulting over the handle bars and landing on my face. My mouth was numb for approximately 30 minutes and I really, really chipped my upper, front, two teeth.
  • when I was in college I tried to beat 4 lanes of traffic while doing my daily jog. I would have been ok, but a couple (newly dating because they were oblivious to everything as they snogged on the street corner) were standing in the middle of the handicap ramp. I tried to jump around them and landed awkwardly on the side slope of the ramp. Turns out I blew out all the tendons on the outside of my foot. The doctor told me I would have been better served if I had broken my ankle.
  1. I was in plastic casts for 6-months.
  2. I was poor and I was a waiter.
  3. I had just started dating wife.imp.
  4. I rode a motorcycle with a foot shifter. Care to guess which foot was injured?
  5. I ended up walking from my apartment to classes (approx. 2 miles one way) on crutches.
  6. I was injured in the Fall.
4: I used to love to eat radishes. Raw. No dip. Since nobody else in my family will even lick a radish, I have been radish-free for 8 years now.

5: For the first 5 years of our marriage, wife.imp got the dresser to put her clothes in and I got to use a suitcase and a two-drawer cardboard dresser. Thing is, I was never pressed for room in the 'dresser.'

Oh, I am a clothes whore now, but back then two pair jeans, two t-shirts...you see the pattern don't you?

6: I have been banned by wife.imp from ever entering a used book store or used record (LP) store. I have over 500 books (I have read most of them) and over 850 LPs. I would love to fill room after room with them but wife.imp selfishly insists that we actually do need things like beds, dressers, tables, sofas etc...

Matt Damon Factor is hereby applied

Sunday, February 25, 2007

Hip Hop Mass and That Smell Just Lingers

Girl.Imp is enrolled in a local Catholic School. Yes, the White Devil is trying to brain-wash his imps.

So, along with the standard 3 R's, g.imp needs to prove she knows a little about the Faith. To that end, there are occassional verbal quizzes.

Q: What does it mean to put your hands in Orans Position??
(No, this is not a position from the Kama Sutra! Orans means to place the elbows to the side with hands raised with palms out)
girl.imp: Raise the roof baby! Oh yeah! Oh yeah!
(elbows by her ears, palms above head facing the ceiling--pumping arms up and down)

Somehow I do not see the Pope 'goin' street' and incorporating this gesture into the Mass...

Sooo boy.imp has a new tradition. If you are eating breakfast now--stop.
We have a nightly ruckus around his bedtime, which is loosely between 8:30 and Midnight, give or take 20-30 minutes.

So after we brush the teeth, read the story, hug and kiss 8-9 times (his choice), find socks for his feet because only real men wear socks to bed, get him that glass water because his whining has left his throat dry, we head to the t.v. room to unwind infront of the Educational Death Ray.

15 minutes later we hear the cry:
g.imp: ewwwwwwwwe

the patter of slow footsteps

b.imp: mommy? daddy?
me: What?
b.imp: My diaper needs changed!
me: come here (please let him have only peed! Please, oh please, oh please!)

Nope. Bimp's arrival is preceded by an odor only Mike Rowe (of Dirty Jobs) could love.
Does wife.imp notice?

Nope. Not until the diaper has been changed and disposed. Then she looks up and wrinkles her nose (lightning reflexes there!) and usually says something like:

wife.imp: I'm hungry. Should I have (can you get me?) popcorn?

Oh, I almost forgot the 'Matt Damon Factor' to increase my blog presence

Friday, February 23, 2007

Unrepentent Unrelenting Blog Anonymity

A few weeks ago I followed the trend about posting the odd Google searches that ended up on my site. Since starting this blog, I have felt blessed to associate with the 3-6 people that occassionally stumble through our Playground.

However, today I have to admit that I am...



Not only do I have a limited review here in the States, I seem to have suckered in a few visitors from overseas:
  • Hanoi, Dac Lac - Vietnam: 1 page view, 0 seconds
  • Maleka, Malaysia: 1 page view, 0 seconds
  • Canberra, Australian Capital Territory - Australia: 1 page view, 0 seconds, search term: Matt Damon
  • Midgeton, Queensland - Australia: 1 page view, 0 seconds, search term: Matt Damon
  • Strethall, Cambridgeshire - United Kingdom: 1 page view, 0 seconds
  • Serbia and Montenegro - Belgrade: 1 page view, 0 seconds
  • Rsunda, Stockholms Lan - Sweden: 1 page view, 0 seconds
  • Dushanbe, Khatlon - Tajikistan: 1 page view, 2 minutes 22 seconds

(For my Imps-In-Law from the Republic of the Philippines, I know you are frequent visitors. Thank you!)

So what can we learn from these visits?

  1. My caramel imps do not interest the majority of our worldwide visitors
  2. Matt Damon is popular world-wide. I might just stick his name in my daily posts to 'keep 'em coming back for more!'
  3. The people of Tajakistan are a bright, discerning people with wonderful taste :)

Now to the search terms:

  • Imps (search origin: USA) - We have 'em! We love 'em. We even manage to sometimes tell you about them! :)
  • Meme 'My Fine Is' (search origin: Buffalo Grove, Illinois) - Please stop back and let us know how 'bad' you are!!
  • Kitchen Imps (search origin: Mount Vernon, New York) - boy.imp and girl.imp both like to 'help' us cook. We have caught boy.imp on more than one occassion washing dishes in the kitchen sink. Dishes are optional.

Search Origins whose name alone makes me want to visit:

  • Collegedale, TN - what college is located here? (if any)
  • North Andover, MA - is there a South Adover?
  • Mount Holly Springs, PA - with a name like this, the waters must have curative powers
  • Abbeville, South Carolina - must see historical sites (am assuming there are historical sites)
  • Newtown Square, Pennsylvania - Of course I must see this town's square - new or old!
  • Kingfisher, Oklahoma - Must.See.Kingfishers

Thursday, February 22, 2007

Dad Mourns not Having the Hernia, Lenten Sacrifices, Boy.Imp's Nature Phobia

I was sitting on the 'Thinking Throne' earlier this a.m. and felt a sharp pain in my groin when I went to stand up and make myself presentable for public viewing. That I might have a hernia was the first thought. How did I get said hernia was thought two (blogging to the world about it and when it was 'discovered' was thought three. I know. I know. Blogging about it should have been thought one!)

So how does one probe the tender area and describe it in a way that is not pornographic? I can't. So let's move on to possible causes.
1)I worked too hard while reclining on the Thinking Throne
2)I really earned my keep last night after the imps were asleep

I would feel the need to give an opinion on these options but as I sit here typing all pain is gone. Much like calling the repair man to fix a 'broken' appliance, everything is in working order when you invite 'public' scrutiny.

So is it wrong to be sad about missing out on having a hernia? Think of the possibilities, the stories I could associate with how I was 'injured'! It could have been a Sports Hernia! I could have been injured in a real manly, sports-related activity. Like backyard football, basketball at the Y, Caber Tossing, perhaps I slipped a little on the Rock Climbing Wall..?

Anyway Lent is here. While driving girl.imp to school, I discussed the need to sacrifice (give up something she enjoys). I suggested candy and/or sweets. She suggested:

  • Television: I gave it the nanosecond of thought that it deserved. I do not believe that she could truly give t.v. up for one day, much less 40 days. And I cannot remember a passage in the Bible that tells us Torture is valid and enviable part of the Sacrifice.
  • Karaoke: I reminded her that this was something that would be a sacrifice for her to give up. Not using the Karaoke machine for 40 days (her current time schedule of use anyway) did not quite make the grade.
  • Reading: Ok, this she could have done and packed in more t.v. into the gap in her daily activities However, I am not willing to make that sacrifice for her.
  • Talking: I believe that a related topic (not talking to your parents) will be visited upon this household in the near future (re: Tween through Teen years) so I roundly vetoed this option.

I think (but am not positive) we settled on no candy.

So boy.imp was whining and complaining when I got home. This sounds so tame--whining and complaining. For those of you without children, think of the noise, the aggrevation level as the noise of a jet engine just before takeoff. The slow build-up of the whine of the motors until they reach that roaring scream as the plane is flung skyward.

Now take that sound, the soundwaves and loop them continuously on a sub-harmonic level starting at the base of your spine and rolling upward until it leaks out of your mouth:

Parents: what dear? I'm sorry..? What did you say? I can't hear...Listen, I cannot.understand.what.you.are.saying.when.you.whine.like.that! What? I.CANNOT...OH.FOR.CRYING.OUT.LOUD!! WHAT.IS.WRONG.WITH.YOU????

Today I walked in somewhere between, 'What did you say?' and 'OH.FOR.CRYING.OUT.LOUD!!'

Turns out there was a bug on the wall that was freaking boy.imp out...

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Noteworthy News Items as found in the Local Auto Fixit

The snow is gone.
The strep is gone.
The rain is gone.

It would not be beyond the pale to believe that work should be back on schedule. The plan was to get up earlyish and hit the road...aaaaaand the car decides to idle rough. The engine still felt strong and I was able to take girl.imp to school, however the idiot light in the dash flared to life on the way home.

Something was wrong with the emission system. So I rolled into an 'auto fixit' joint (not that we have much choice in this area. There is SOMEWHAT PRICY, PRICY and GIVE-US-A-KIDNEY-AND-YOUR-FIRSTBORN-PRICY. I selected Somewhat Pricy.)

So I pointed out the specific warning light per the owners manual (thereby saving myself 1/2 hour of labor) and upsetting the staff. They apparently need the extra time and relayed this information along with their displeasure by making me sit for 1 1/2 hours to ge the car in to be checked (It took another 11/2 hours to fix, so I saved no time at all).

However I learned that this particular establishment is being asked by a customer to pay for $800 in damages because her car burnt to a crisp after they 'fixed' it. To be honest the customer was supposedly warned the work needed done. But I wasn't there then...

So while the staff bitched about the situation, cast asperations on the customer in general and feared the future (if only in the blackest most hidden part of their hearts), I sat and read Star magazine.

For those of you living in caves near mine. Here is 'news' we are missing:

  • Angelina has lost a ton of weight recently
  • Nicole Ritchey has her last name tattooed on the back of her neck. (Here's hoping her 'dates' can find it they forget her name before morning!)
  • Jennifer Anniston has had a nose job
  • Celeb watchers are reaally snarky about celeb clothes
  • I still want to bathe in antisceptic when I see photos of Paris or Brittany
  • Who is Kevin Federline and why is he newsworthy?
  • Matt Damon wears lifts??
  • There will be another Bourne movie! (yea me!)
  • Did I really need to see Harry Potter's 'Full Monty'???

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Warning! Here at Imps Playground, we have been attacked by a new, vicious Internet Virus!!


You have just received an Afghan virus!

Since we are not so technologically advanced in Afghanistan, this is a MANUAL virus!

Please delete all the files on your hard disk yourself and send this email to everyone you know!

Thank you very much for collaboration......

You Heard It Here First

boy.imp: Knock Knock
me: who's there?
boy.imp: orange
me: orange who?
boy.imp: orange you glad I said orange and not banoonoo?

b.imp: knock knock
me:who's there?
b.imp: picture
me: picture who?
b.imp: that picture on the wall (over) there!

girl.imp: daddy, b.imp is not funny. YOU'RE NOT FUNNY B.IMP!!
me: be nice! He's just learning how to tell jokes.
girl.imp: oh..?

g.imp: Daddy? Why is 6 afraid of 10?
me: why?
g.imp: because 10 has men!!....Get it? 10 has men!

me: is it time to go to school yet? What time is it?

b.imp: daddy? why is 6 afraid of 1?
me: why?
b.imp: because 1 has the 0 after it!

me: I'll be in the car.

Monday, February 19, 2007

maybe I should be worried sooner than later?

girl.imp: daddy, what did you dream about last night?
me: (legs, sunsets...) umm, the sun
g.imp: do you want to know what I dreamed about last night? I was blah blah blah blah ...
and then I was saved by a Unipeg that flew down and carried me to safety!
me: What's a Unipeg?
g.imp: It's a cross between a Unicorn and a Pegasus!

later in the a.m.

(i am reading the crossword puzzle. Our paper has two, one local and a crossword from the NY Times. G.imp is reading the clues for the NY Times)

g.imp: Daddy! I think I know the answer to 13-Down. (the clue is giggle) It's Laugh!
me: (counting squares) Looks good to me!
g.imp: I also know the answer to 32 across
me: here's the pen. I'm getting breakfast.

Saturday, February 17, 2007

'Exterminate! Exterminate!'

wife.imp is getting a new toy for her office!

What says love more than a mini-Dalek (ok, a talking toy) that threatens to destroy all whom dare distract wife.imp from her tasks????

Thursday, February 15, 2007

It is Time to Draw the Line in the Sand...

In a post Valentines Day euphoria, I stumbled across an image on the internet that froze soul, made my blood boil, caused me to question Man's future--No, Man's ability to produce Testosterone!

Is nothing for us men sacred?
1- farting in public is bad
2 - We cannot pick our noses (in public or private...)
3 - It is frowned on to pick our underwear out of those uncomfortable places it sometimes wanders into...
4 - Drinking and Driving? Gone
5 - Smoking? Gone
6 - Sports? Action-Drama Movies? Strippers? Gone. Gone. Gone.

Arranging the Comfort Room so that it is a Room of Comfort?
7 - Leaving the two footprints strategically placed on the floor of the shower to provide the optimum in both cleanliness and relaxation?
8 - Leaving that half-circle on the mirror that you wiped the mist off of (really the only part of the mirror that you use anyway)?
9 - Leaving the toilet paper stacked on the back of the toilet for ease of use?
gone. gone and gone.

10 - Your den? Now it's either a storage closet or a playroom.
11 - King of the Castle? Try the bastard-half son of the basement (or if you are really really lucky the garage).
12 - Captain of the Grill? Not likely! Possibly Cabin Boy of the Marinade...
13 - Masturbating? (Think this was under lucky 13 by accident?) Guess who ended up with the better toys? (ahem--Tupperware)

However, we put up with this constant stream of losses because we knew that no matter how many times we heard women proclaim: "We can do anything you men can do, but we can do it even better!" We knew that there was still one area that we reigned supreme. Even if we were occassionally messy, it was still our supreme mess.

Yes, until recently, Men were the BEST at standing up and peeing!! And could we keep this little corner of our world all to ourselves? Would this be the one, unapproachable, unerodable area left for Men to be Men???

Thanks to P-Mate we do not even have that small comfort:

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Wife.Imp is currently checking 3 local news channels and 1 state news channel and 1 national news channels...

NBC, ABC, CBS, ONN and CNN have increased their ratings as wife.imp refuses take any weather forcast at its, individual, word.

She has spent the last 2 (3?) hours flipping from one forecast to another. I cannot tell but she seems more annoyed that they are stating the same thing. If one, just one forecast allowed for no snow and half-way decent road conditions, she would have been out of here!!

girl.imp is out of school for the 2nd day this week. I believe we will stop buying her lunches, as every day this month that she marked to purchase lunch, we have had severe winter weather!! However, she is not claiming to be our teacher and is prodding me to do a vocabulary assignment!

boy.imp has his trucks so no new news there...

Oh, happy Valentines Day :)

Sunday, February 11, 2007

As Heard at the Playground This Weekend

(I was visiting with my parents, hooking their house up for wireless internet)

girl.imp: mommy! Mommy, boy.imp pooped and needs his diaper changed!
wife.imp: (insert text here --b.imp's diaper was off by the time wife.imp arrived on the scene. In her words, the diaper was empty and the pile that lay on the bathroom carpet looked like ear of corn that had been burnt on the grill)

b.imp: I want medicine (g.imp has strep and was taking her meds)
me: You're not sick. You don't need medicine.
b.imp: I want medicine too!
me: You're not getting medicine. In order for you to get this, your throat would have to really hurt.
g.imp: yeah, but your throat will only hurt for the first two days. After that it won't hurt anymore but you will have a cough and runny nose.
b.imp: I want strep phroat!! (running out of the room and wailing--VERY.LOUD)

New This Week:
Wife.Imp's Video Pic:
"White and Nerdy" by Weird Al Yankovic

Friday, February 09, 2007

Girl.Imp takes over todays blog!!!

Yeah Baby!!

Last Christmas, I got a Bratz doll. Her name was Pheobe but I didn't like that name. Instead I named her Sapphire. She is very pretty and her feet can come off.

Ummm, she has a little dot right beside her lips and it is a beauty mark (why do people call it beauty marks? Good grief!).

She has a pretty skirt and shirt. Her shirt has little sparkleys on it and her skirt, if you open the flaps like frills, under it is silk. :)

It's very, very silky.

She has pretty earrings. If you were her, I would buy you (only if you were a girl, because I have never had a boy Bratz doll)!!

Thursday, February 08, 2007

The Imps as heard this week

wife.imp: (speaking to boy.imp who had climbed to the top of the couch behind me and started grabbing fistfuls of my hair...) Hey! Don't pull daddy's hair like that! He doesn't have much left and probably won't have that for much longer!

me: So after dinner who wants to get their bath--shower
imps: (wailing, crying, rending of clothes...)
me: if you take your showers now, then you will have almost an hour to play afterwards before bedtime...
imps: (pause) Oh! I'll go! I'll go!

Look! I got National Geographic for Kids (yes, she actually says things like this) in the mail!!

A few minutes later as she is ripping animal cards (think baseball cards with pictures of animals on one side and their specific info on the reverse side):
girl.imp: I'm in Heaven!!

Tuesday, February 06, 2007

What Frat Should We Be Looking For?

Earlier tonight, I was blithly yammering on the phone with my elder sib, girl.imp was coloring on the couch next to me.

Gee Dennis, this sounds like one of your tangents. You seem to be moving a little off focus. Well I would have to agree with you. However this point is appropriate because she was watching boy.imp, right before he walked up to me...

b.imp: Here daddy! Smell my finger!
(I want to stress, b.imp is only 3-years-old. He should NOT be doing this...well, at least not to me! This is something that he should be doing in 3rd grade! Like when I was in 3rd grade and one of my classmates unzipped his pants and ran down the hall, chasing the girls, will his thumb hanging out of his pants!!)
me: Wha? Oh. OH.MY.GOD!! What did you do? Stick your finger in your butt?
b.imp: (laughing) Yes!!

and what did my elder sib and beautiful girl.imp do? They.Laughed. They laughed until they started to choke and cry!! Then laughed some more.

There is Professional Behavior, there is Unprofessional Behavior, and there is Immature...

Professional is not only showing up for the job in proper business appropriate attire, but actually backing up the look with the attitude and work ethic.

The best, most-recent example of being professional is from James Burnett’s blog (
www.burnettiquette.blogspot.com) of Feb. 2, 2007

“…his publicist, who didn't grace us with her presence, had pre-determined who could interview him. No print media outlets are on the list. I tell the very, very large bodyguard that the print-less interview list is foul and that we scribes should be given equal access for a number of reasons...”

Kudos to James for going after a story even with the risk of being very publicly rejected, either verbally or physically, as is proper and demanded of any reporter.

Pageant Mom and Diana, I suspect, could also deliver reams of paper on the subject of Professional Behavior (what it is, what it is not...).

Unprofessional is the unnamed/unseen publicist mentioned in James’ blog and also includes:

1) Calling off from work because you are sick
(but you really are going to go visit with your girlfriend who is home for the weekend from college. Yes, I am still amazed that I was not immediately terminated.)

2) Asking a co-worker to cover your shift because your ‘grandmother was in the hospital and you wanted to be there with her—just in case.’ Then coming back after the weekend and detailing, in depth, just how ‘righteously awesome’ that concert was. It has been almost 15 years and I cannot remember your name Frat Boy! But I will…I will!!!

Immature is being hired into a business with very professional expectations (attire, attitude, performance...some place that would be just like wife.imp's company), spending just over two months on the job and then quitting -- giving no warning, not even allowing management to discuss options or even to offer a short leave of absencevia email!!!!

Monday, February 05, 2007

More Snow on the Way means: more frigid weather, one more day less before College Football returns, one more day at home from school for the imps...

Here is something to brighten your day:

(I took a chance and opened an email with attachments today!!)

I would love to have seen this on the roads in the last week...

Have you ever lived next to a 'Hyacinth Bucket'?
(BBC: "Keeping Up Appearances")

According to my dad, as a child I WAS this family!!!

Just makes me want to burn the grill instead...

I found my mid-life crisis Tatoo!

Sunday, February 04, 2007

Spackdown at the Playground II

background: boy.imp is in the process of dumping the giant, green tub of toys in order to get at his 5 or 6 toy cars.

wife.imp: don't take all of them out!
b.imp: Be quiet mommy. Focus on your computer!

Proving my Unyielding Anonymity

Google Searches

Raleigh, North Carolina: Pinched my sister’s butt.
Hoookay: I see you are well on your way to proving the clich├ęs to be true

Newport News, Virginia: Sexy Imps
Well since being married and modestly humble means I cannot ‘pimp’ myself or my wife, then you will have to be satisfied with my picks;
1) Audrey Hepburn – even dead she is still the best
2) Keegan Connor Tracy (you can see her on the Sci Fi Channel in the show “Jake 2.0”)
3) Billie Piper (recently of Dr. Who fame)

Glasgow City, Glasgow, United Kingdom: Going for the Snip
Good luck dude!!

Blacksburg, Virginia: “Trophy Husband”
…ummm I am off of the market. But a picture (along with a quick review of your financial status) would never hurt…

Jacksonville, Florida: "Do You Know Your Spouse" "Game"

No, we were an arranged marriage and we still live in seperate countries. The game game is to guess how we both have three children since our marriage, even though we have never lived closer than 10,000 miles apart..?

Have you thought of visiting, one of THOSE stores that are advertised next to most truck stops along the freeway? (although the next game might be, how do I pay for certain meds without the wife finding out...?)

Los Angeles, California: Incessant Burping Cure
If you find out, then let me know. However, if you are younger than 25, I might suggest quitting the Frat..?

Louisville, Kentucky: Monkey Speak No Evil clipart
…is there a story behind this that is more interesting than this blog (how can there not be..?)

Kagoshima, Japan: Voltes V
Still a family favorite

Rochester, New York: No search term
Hello, Extreme Mortman. Y’all come back now, hear?

Whoduhthunkit.blogsome.com: Justdmarine
—I have neglected you (unintentionally) but this will soon be rectified.

Washington D.C. (dare I hope/dread coming to the attention of White House staff/management??), Karnataka, Bangalore, India and Seattle, Washington: Imps
(see Sexy Imps above)

Hope Valley, Rhode Island: Walmart Barefoot.
Yes, we have them out here too!

San Salvadore, El Salvadore: imp.play'gestures'

Proving that my ego has been flattened:

Stops: 1 page, 0 seconds – Oh, come on people!! Surely you can find something you liked..??

York Springs, Pennsylvania
Seattle, Washington
Waterford, Connecticut
Albany, Georgia
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
Wolcott, Indiana
Houston, Texas
Denver, Colorado
Nueva Ecija, Quezon, Philippines – You know, I am fairly certain I know who you are…
Valdosta, Georgia: 4 visits and you cannot even look around?? Come on! We won’t bite…much
Marshalltown, Iowa: 2 visits (see Valdosta, Georgia above)

Glace Bay, Nova Scotia, Canada

Thursday, February 01, 2007

Bad Day At The Office

So Dennis, we have unburdoned ourselves and shared bad days at the office. So what about you? We know that you are a working dad (now) and you must have something to share..?

Yes, although my office here at the Playground rolls on four wheels and the only annoying people I meet up with on a regular basis are the morning disc jockeys at (name your station. If they are on the air, they are ass-puckeringly annoying. (sorry honey)).

So my bad day took two days to really set in. Yesterday I wanted to get up early to conduct some on-site research at a courthouse 2 1/2 hours from home. This means I would need to leave before 6:00 a.m. to arrive early enough to do any meaningful work.

Boy.imp woke up around mid-night Tuesday with a sever, sore throat. With medicine and wife.imp's TLC he eventually went to sleep resulting in my staying home (flexible hours) all day Wednesday.

Thus my schedule for the end of the week is off course. Today I crammed some research in with talking to actual people but only worked 1/2 the hours available to me because I had to rush home for a Parent-Teacher conference.

So this brings us to the 'bad day' part of my work. I stopped at a gas station to fill up on gas and to obtain some brake fluid because the Idiot Light in the dash was screaming at me. During this stop I:

a: Cleaned out and threw away the trash from my fast food banquets--along with my car keys, house keys, key to my parents house...

b: had to stand inbetween all the gas pumps (where the trash bin was located) and "Dumpster Dive." Yes, I was up to my elbows in empty pop/beer cans, soda cups, and auto related chemicals, about 1 bazillion cigarrette butts and handfuls of ash-filled mud and it took me about 3-4 minutes of emptying all this garbage on the ground around me before I found my keys!!

c: Yes, I actually upped the ante and went for the tri-fecta. I thought I purchased Fuel Injector Cleaner (at this point, I would like to state the bottle was clearly marked in English and I do have more than a passing understanding of the English language). After pouring about 1/2 a bottle of Power Steering Fluid into the gas tank, I added another bottle of fluid to the growing pool of muddy ash to the ground around my car.

I am mere minutes away from the scheduled Parent-Teacher conference. Any bets on how well this meeting will turn out??