Boy Imp Speaks

Ok, wife.imp was in the bathroom this a.m. and boy.imp comes rushing in 

b.imp: Mom, I need a q-tip

w.imp: What for?

b.imp: girl.imp needs one to clean out her belly-button

w.imp: what? you don't go...you don't have...you tell your sister that she needs to be the one that...

b.imp: well, I already have one now so it's too late.  Maybe next time!

(insert evil laugh here)

Girl.Imp has found the editing function on the cell phone's camera

Questions from Wife.Imp to the little imps...

1. What is something mom always says to you
b.imp: “B.Imp..!”
g.imp: "Go to sleep!"
2. What makes mom happy?
b.imp: When I listen.
g.imp: Chocolate
3. What makes mom sad?
b.imp: if I move to another place.\
g.imp: Her child asking her to help her with her homework at 10:30pm
4. How does your mom make you laugh?
b.imp: “Gigil”-ing me
g.imp: Mom’s dancing
5. What was your mom like as a child?
b.imp: fat
g.impThin and pretty
6. How old is your mom?
b.imp: 41
g.imp: 41
7. How tall is your mom?
b.imp: 12 feet
g.imp: 4.5 feet
8. What is her favorite thing to do?
b.imp: play with me
g.imp: sleep and eat chocolate
9. What does your mom do when you're not around?
b.imp: go to work
g.imp: go to work
10. If your mom becomes famous, what will it be for?
b.imp: money
g.imp: talk show host
11. What is your mom really good at?
b.imp: being a mom
g.imp: speaking tagalog, and arts and crafts
12. What is your mom not very good at?
b.imp: loving the cat
g.imp: drawing cartoons
13. What does your mom do for her job?
b.imp: get money
g.imp: transfers money
14. What is your mom's favorite food?
b.imp: sinigang
g.imp: rice and chocolate
15. What makes you proud of your mom?
b.imp: loving me
g.imp: 2 cultures and awesome cousins
16. If your mom were a cartoon character, who would she be?
b.imp: batman, the brave and the bold
g.imp: Mrs. Test in Johnny test
17. What do you and your mom do together?
b.imp: talk
g.imp: watch movies
18. How are you and your mom the same?
b.imp: she talks American to me
g.imp: our hair
19. How are you and your mom different?
b.imp: she was born in the Philippines
g.imp: taste in clothing
20. What is your mom's favorite place to go to?
b.imp: the Philippines
g.imp: the philippines

I puh-laaaayed outside all daaaay today...

except for when I was inside in class this morning and this afternoon!

So said girl.imp.

It is 70sh here and I suggested she play outside this afternoon.  Instead, she is watching the educational death ray because the 20 minutes of outside play during lunch was juuuust enough to almost make her break out into a fine sweat.  And that much moisture loss cannot be tolerated!

Bad daddy!

Soccer is here!

I know...I Know...we tried this with girl.imp and had her leading the entire class singing Christmas Carols and picking dandilions by the last class.

BUT we are talking about boy.imp here.  Granted he is 1/2 of his mother, but he never sits still, walks when he can run or just stops vibrating.  He'll have to like running and kicking a ball, right?

Right!  He had a blast!  running in circles, kicking the ball, running on and off the field for his water...just what we had hoped for.

Then came that last trip to the sideline

b.imp:  I want to go home

wife.imp: why?

b.imp: i'm hungry...dad, can we go to Mc Donald's for lunch?

me: but we still have practice!  you need to get back on the field!

b.imp: But I'm huuuuuungry!  I want lunch!

me: It's 10:30!  Don't make me delete all the pictures I have been taking...

I got it! I got it! I got it!

So it had been relatively quiet all day.  Then girl.imp arrives home from school, rushes upstairs (front door left wide open) and announces to the world in general that she needs to use the facilities (door left wide open so that we can visually verify she did indeed lower the seat??)

So she decides that it is time to play with our epileptic cat (one seizure since adopting the wee beastie just before Christmas).  However no toy is immediately apparent so I offer the following advise.  

"Why don't you get a penny and slide it across the floor?"

Our cat loves playing with coins, rings...anything that slides on our floors.  Just this morning I found her chasing one of my rings under the dining room table and chairs.  The ring (according to my memory) had been resting on the bathroom sink...

So g.imp gets a dime and launches it across the room.  The cat launches herself across the room in pursuit and crashes into the hall closet's sliding doors, rebounds down the hall and ends up somewhere in the bowls of our bathroom.  G.imp then follows the cat in and cannot find the dime.  In the meantime the cat races past my feet and hides under the curtains.

me: have you checked her mouth for the dime?

g.imp: her mouth?

me: yep.  you might want to hurry before she swallows it...

g.imp: ahhhhhhhhhh! (racing toward the cat)

I love playing with the imps!!

Over the weekend...

Girl.Imp had her First Communion.
While standing in line, waiting file into the Church:
me: Settle down!
g.imp: blahblahblah (it was as if she had drunk 7-8 cups of sugar in her coffee that a.m.)
me: stand still...settle down
g.imp: blahblahblahblabblabblab, daddy, you have skin hanging out of your nose..!
(mind you we are standing in line with over 80 imps and their parents)
me:uhh, how's that?
g.imp: fine...blabblabblabbberdyblabblab, no, it's still there! You have a booger hanging out of your nose!

Yep, right before heading into Church for G.imp's big day, daddy is standing in line picking boogers out of his nose!


Daddy also spent the last week sleeping alone. Not one member of the family was interested in sleeping in the same bed, sharing a hug or even sitting on my lap.

Of course the rampant spread of Poison Ivy on my arms, neck and abdomen might be a small part of the isolationism...

And She is only 8-years-old...

...our across the road neighbor was using a hand-powered edger on his sidewalk when the tool caught girl.imp's eye. She walked across the road and watched the work in progress then looked back across the street toward our yard. While I could not hear the words, I could read her lips and could see that look in her eyes. Girl.Imp had seen the potential of such a tool and instantly realized it could be useful in my yard...

...so boys, this is fair warning...

Life At the Playground

boy.imp and girl.imp share a bed, actually they sleep on two single beds that are side by side. Boy.Imp started chewing on girl.imp's hair tonight.

We really don't know why.

My laptop is set to run pictures as the screen saver (a function I just yesterday enabled) and girl.imp found out about this new twist last night 2 hours after her bedtime because she came downstairs to complain about her health...and watched the slide show for another hour or so...

Boy.Imp discovered this feature as I defragged the hard-drive around dinner time and spent most of dinner commenting on the photos. I had to turn the computer toward the wall because both imps were walking away from the table to get a closer view of the photos they most liked.

I did something to my neck. Don't know what and have suffered with near constant pain for 11/2 weeks. So after a massage and liberal use of a massage stick mthe pain is nearly gone. However, I still hesitate to look to my left with any degree of speed.

Boy.Imp cried when I left the restaurant with Girl.Imp

We were only going home and wife.imp was taking boy.imp as soon as she paid for dinner (yep. that is the kind of woman she is. I do so enjoy being the trophy husband)

So we are in the parking lot and boy.imp calls on the cell phone bawling and crying that he wanted to go home with me (because I am the Walrus 'Fun Parent'). I left him with his mother (they were only 1-2 minutes behind us at most) and went home with girl.imp (it is a school night and it was her turn to shower first).

In the car girl.imp busted my balls chastised me for not letting her talk to boy.imp on the phone.

me: I did not give you the phone because boy.imp did not need you laughing at him.
g.imp: I would not have laughed at him.
me: yes you would!
g.imp: huhuh! I swear!
me: don't give me that...
g.imp: I would not have laughed. I solemnly swear.
me: what?
g.imp: I solemnly swear...
me: hmm
g.imp (in a whisper): ...that I am up to no good.
me: Say what::
g.imp (laughing): Mischief managed!

***********
Since the flooding has been resolved, laundry is being rushed through and we lost track of the clean vs. dirty piles (ok, one or two items of clothes were were unsure about as they could have been in either pile).

wife.imp: Are you sure that they are clean
(she is pointing at boy.imp's underwear and one of girl.imp's socks)
me: well, I know that the sock is clean
wife.imp: (looked at me for several seconds and then picked up the underwear and sniffed)


Yes, they too were clean!

Girl.Imp Speaks (daddy quietly freaks)

g.imp: mommy, I have a question.
(it is around 10p.m. and bedtime for the imps. G.imp has meandered downstairs and pulls up a chair infront of wife.imp and myself)
w.imp: yes... (g.imp has been using this time of night to bombard us with Harry Potter questions and wife.imp was about to roust her back upstairs)
g.imp: Am I developing my milk-feeders yet? (waving a hand infront of her chest

Weekend with the Imps

Wife.Imp and the imps and I went out for Sushi last Friday and after dinner we split up so that I could purchase a family planner calendar and wife.imp could take girl.imp shopping for a gift for our neighbor's daughter's birthday.

Being that I am over 35 and it was after 7 p.m., I needed coffee. So I took boy.imp to the coffee shop/sports bar which is located in the mall where we ate dinner.

boy.imp: can we go in and sit down?
me: nope. we're going home as soon as we get our coffee and food (he talked me into buying dessert by stopping his whining as soon as I agreed).
boy.imp: why not? I want to sit down.
me: (looking hatefully at the mother and toddler-aged daughter sitting in plain sight) weeeell, you're still too little to go in there and I am not buying you one of those drinks (re: alcohol beverages that everyone seemed to be enjoying)
boy.imp: (long pause) I could use a little cup...

Friday night after the imps' betime:
me: Hey! (girl.imp walks into the bathroom whilst I am enjoying some free time on the porceline throne)
girl.imp: Now that you have some free time, I have a question to ask you.
me: (nonononono these are the questions you need to ask your mom! I don't want to deal with boyfriends, puberty or you staring at me while I am on the toilet! Yes, we have a door that locks now. No, I have not gotten into the habit of locking it--YET)
girl.imp: So--In Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, why did blah blah blahbabablah...

Laundry?

Girl.Imp has taken a great interest in separating the whites from the darks in recent weeks. Unfortunately, she has no interest in the laundry. Instead she likes to sit on my lap and pull down my t-shirt to separate gray chest hairs from the others and then tries to convince me to let her pluck them...

Girl.Imp had a bad day after her 1st day of school - post holiday break

However before I get into that, it is halftime at the Orange Bowl and this bowl finally got halftime entertainment done right!!

ZZ Top played the entire time I viewed and jammed 'Sharp Dressed Man' without the network pushing for them to end the song ASAP!!!

Back to g.imp: I picked her up on the way home from work (another 200+ mile day) and I was juuuust a little tired and cranky and she meets me at the door of the babysitters to tell me that the back of her head hurt because boy.imp had jumped on her back and pulled her down so that their heads knocked together (at least two times) today.

This brings up a point to emphasize the difference between boys and girls.

I gave girl.imp a new helmet for riding her TRIKKE (I will be flogging this as the world's greatest invention all year) and she fusses with the helmet for a moment or two and declares that it will fit better with a ponytail.

I gave boy.imp a new helmet for riding his new bicycle and he fusses until the chinstrap is strapped on and immediately begins running head first into our hall walls and continues until we go outside!

Anyway, g.imp 'forgot' to complete her homework while at the sitter's so that was her task before eating dinner (she did 3 questions wrong and had to redo them--NOT HAPPY). Then She and boy.imp bumped heads again...MORE TEARS

I decide this is a good time to retire to the porceline throne in the 'Reading Room' and girl.imp is teased by wife.imp about how she hogs the blankets in bed at night leaving boy.imp to curl in a fetal position hoping to be warmed by her breath as she sleeps the night through...STILL MORE TEARS

SO I decide it is time to lighten the mood and I re-emerge from the 'Reading Room' and announce:
"One of my pooplets was shaped like an almond!"

Both imps fall over laughing and wife.imp gives me a 'WTF' look and wanders off to the kitchen. But there is no need to explain as my goal was accomplished! I gather both imps into my arms for a hug aaaaaaand they bump heads again...EVEN MORE TEARS

Sometimes a person can't win for losing!

Nothing Says Christmas like...

1- The holiday Nativity scene
2- The Hollywood Blockbuster movie release

So girl.imp has decided to combine these two traditions and this Saturday we will be making the
Harry Potter Nativity Scene (complete with Lord Voldemorte)...

thank you...thank you very much...

'Do Me Daddy...Do me daddy...Do me too daddy'...and Road Rage Trumps Christmas Spirit

Yes, the imps were lying on the futon with me and shouting and laughing and demanding more.

More!

More of my bare feet being held in front of their noses!!

Why? I do not know, but as long as they are entertained...

*****
Is it Road Rage when Wife.Imp gets frustrated in holiday traffic??

Wife.imp had some free time last Friday and was going to a lunch with friends and asked me if I would like to go with. I noticed a few things on that drive.

1- wife.imp is an aggressive driver
2- she has little patience with hesitant drivers
3- she has even less patience with drivers more aggressive than she is
4- I find myself saying (a lot), 'I'm going to blog about this.'

In w.imp's defense, there were several very, very angry (re: bad scary) drivers on the roads. However there were two statements she made that make our cut:

'It's like they have Nov. 1 attitudes one week before Christmas...'
'Geez, the rednecks from up north (re: Delaware, Morrow and Knox Counties) have flocked to the malls today. That'll teach me to go shopping on a Friday during the holiday season.'

christmas thoughts

We went to wife.imp's office Christmas extravaganza last Sunday and included in all the festivities was a 'Face Painting' booth. Knowing it is Christmas and all the helpers/painters had christmassy things painted on their faces and Santa sat not 100 feet away talking to other imps, Boy.Imp had to have the 'Black Spiderman' mask.

Thank you. We do try.

*****

Girl.Imp has a life-like baby doll (a link to a similar baby doll is below) that was lying facedown on the floor. Wife.Imp was creeped out by the baby doll's position because, 'I know it is not real, but it could smother itself to death lying facedown like that on the floor!'

http://www.doddiesdolls.com/Merchant2/merchant.mvc?Screen=PROD&Store_Code=DDAC&Product_Code=1489&Category_Code=MNBW

*****

We have been invaded by a mouse (or a gang of mice) and it is currently living (dying?) in my downstairs closet.

We know it is there because it toured our family room one night (eluding capture) and ran under the stairs into our closet. I have blocked up the entrance and placed LARGE gluetraps with poison in said closet.

I have to admit to being a tad worried because the poison is being consumed and the glue traps are aparantly being used for a cardio workout. In fact, when the mouse/mice are not excercising in the glue, they are eating the plastic container.

I know, I know, poisoning the mice is not eco-friendly, Dennis. I have to admit that no, it is not. Neither am I Al Gore.

I have nothing against nature and with preserving it (outside of my house). Once nature moves in (apparantly with the idea of said move being rent free) I tend to get a little antsy. No, I can get dirty with the best of people, after all I did spend several years camping practically every weekend with the Boy Scouts.

I do have to admit that while the Boy Scouts taught me many valuable lessons there were some things that I learned that were not usable- I should mention that Al Gore was not known nationally and that my biggest influences were standing shoulder to shoulder with me doing things like:

* Melting plastic milk containers over an open flame (global warming was not a serious issue at this time) to see the pretty colors (ok and poisonous colors)

* Dropping tents on rival scout troops and then using the tent poles to beat whatever moved into submission

* Camping with the public and hitting (in retrospect being bloody obvious about this) on both sisters of the family that agreed to share their dinner with you

Although I have to admit that my social skills were honed by learning what not to say:

*(I might not have done so at the time but I would like to offer my apologies to the lady ranger who was present during this exchange)--I was with a group of scouts in Philmont, NM where we were engaged in a ribald conversation about breakdance moves that should not be tried when I piped in with (and I must add that knowing the boundaries of what is acceptable and what should not be uttered was highlighted here): "...Yeah, and nobody should try doing the Worm downhill with a hardon..."

Thing is, if I had uttered that sentence 10 minutes before or after that moment, nothing but laughter would have ensued.

This leads me to the comment that my mom made once, before I left scouting: "I am sure you have noticed that none of the parents around town have let their kids join the scouts for a couple of years haven't you?"

Actually no. I had not noticed. I was having too good a time to realize how out of control we actually were. But the bar had been set pretty high, we were accostomed to playing kinda rough (we once played tackle football - Australian 'rules' style- with a troop from the Cleveland area whose members were 2-3 years older, 20-40 pounds heavier and 3-4 inches taller and I hit (re: tackled) everyone of them so often (they did not acutally have to be carrying the ball--just being near it worked for me) that they eventually asked if we could call it a draw. I was about 5'8" and a solid 135lbs at the time. I was also addicted to pain. I would get into fights just to get that rush and being smallish and fast I just loved football.)

However, as rough as we played, we also took immense pride in being the best troop there as far as skills went. In head-to-head competitions, we rarely if ever came in lower than 2nd and usually ended up 1st. So I was literally surprised when mom informed me that parents were not allowing their kids to join.

So where was I? Oh! The mouse/mice. I believe the point I wanted to make was that as long as nature stays outside of my house, I am content to not mess with it. But when it moves in, I will do what is necessary to beat it into submission and evict it...That is, unless it eats the posion and glue traps and then keeps coming back for more.

Then I will just lock the doors and avoid going near that part of the house again.

Dinner at the Playground...

wife.imp: so baby (girl.imp) what did you do at school today?
girl.imp: nothing.
me: she showed up late today!!
(our alarm did not go off this a.m. and I woke up around 7:45sh. School starts at 8a.m. and it is a 10 minute drive. This leaves us 5 minutes to dress and leave. For us guys that gives us a comfortable 3-4 minute cushion. For girl.imp, she would be about 25 minutes behind the 8 ball.)
girl.imp: No I wasn't. I went to the office to get my slip and they told me that nobody was late today and to go to class and when I got to class, Mrs. H. said...blah blah blah...
boy.imp: (with me staring directly at him) daddy...daddy...daddy...daddy...daddy...daddy...daddy...daddy...daddy...daddy...daddy...daddy...
daddy...daddy...daddy...daddy...daddy...daddy...daddy...daddy...daddy...daddy...daddy...daddy...
wife.imp: Did he kiss you?
me: Who kissed you?
(my neck is still sore as I type this)
girl.imp: nobody kissed me.
me: did you kiss him?
girl.imp: Kiss him? No! I wanted to take a volleyball and beat him in the face with it until I smash his front teeth out! That would be soooo cool! blah blah blah blah

That's my girl!!

One of 'Those' Parents

About 10 years ago, wife.imp and I were at a restaurant where a family of five (3 boys) sat down near us. About midway through the meal the boys decided they would have much more fun if they ran through the restaurant playing hide-n-seek tag. The parents simply kept ordering drinks and enjoyed a very stimulating conversation...

Just the other night one of boy.imp's more distracting habits was on display at a local restaurant. He decided he was done early and wanted to get out of his seat and run around. Wife.Imp and I were enjoying a nice conversation at the time. I truly understood what that couple of years ago must have been thinking.

'Hey, they are not breaking anything and now we can really talk...'

However, I was not raised that way and neither are my imps. And, yes, I did let boy.imp get out of his chair whenever he wanted. He did have to stand with his nose against the wall tho'. I mean running around the house at home can be tolerated, barely and then only if we are near the end of the meal. But in a public setting..? No.

The lesson I learned before we had imps (and this was by watching relatives and/or parents of wildly out-of-control imps at grocery stores) is not to be afraid to educate and discipline (not beat but discipline) the imps in public while they are still young and learning right behavior from behavior that is not right in that situation.

So, now that the flu bug has mostly departed the Playground, the treadmill and other aparatus have been staring petulantly at me. I have been neglectful.

I went to my quarterly blood draw yesterday

and because the imp's babysitter had a dental appt for one of her boys, boy.imp went with me.
Yep, boy.imp got to watch daddy bleed into a clear plastic bag for about 15 minutes.

his comment to wife.imp last night whilst they were discussing the event was:
b.imp: I will never, never, never, ever, ever, ever...

then he fell asleep because boy.imp is apparantly suffering from flu-like symptoms. Wife.imp also fell asleep and I watched the OSU men's baskeball team get dismantled by a very impressive squad from North Carolina.

Girl.Imp finished reading the last Harry Potter book and wants to start with the beginning of the series and work her way through. She has also found the joy of books on tape!! She now prefers to sit next to the cd player upstairs and shuns tv and the computer (so now we are sans Hannah Montana and You.Tube in our house)

Does anybody know if/when Dr. Who and Torchwood's next seasons will be broadcast in the USA airwaves?

Have I mentioned that we have corrupted the imps? Because of us they know most of the NPR daily shows, including Car Talk and Wait Wait Don't Tell Me.

They just love 'How Things Are Made', 'Dirty Jobs', and 'Mythbusters' on the Discovery Channel and they would get to see more American Chopper if Paul, Sr. would censor his thought processes a tad more regularly.

So, Santa is bringing some Boss gifts for the imps this year (that's right girl.imp, daddy has been talking with Santa and I know what he is bringing you! hahahahahaha)