Wednesday, September 03, 2008

Oodles of Badoodles...

Our SIL has been staying with us for a while and gave boy.imp a shower recently. After which they came downstairs and regaled me with how his badoodle poked out of the side of his briefs after he did a brief hip-shaking dance.

This then turned into:
sil: dennis, when you have to pee how do you (gesture of moving clothing) you move your underwear to the side? (It took me a little bit but the gesture was that of pulling the seam from the leg up and over, thus freeing, the applicable parts)
me: No you just poke it through the hole in the front or hook your thumb over the waistband and pull down
sil: but with briefs don't you?
me: I don't wear briefs anymore...wait a minute. you've been married for what...20 years or so. Haven't you ever seen...
sil: NO! I could never...
me: well after 14 years I can go in and pee infront of wife.imp if I need to. You have to remember, guys are lazy. We want to find and use the easy way...

Thursday, August 21, 2008

I'll hit you in your nuggets!

Yep, I made that threat to girl.imp because she was 'massaging' (re: hitting--albeit lightly) her brother's back and I told her to stop.

g.imp: What nuggets?
me: don't have nuggets.
g.imp: you mean that tube-thingy that you and b.imp pee out of??
me: wha??
g.imp: I'm going to hit you in your badoodle!
me: my what?
g.imp: Your badoodle...That means your armpit!

(of course armpit was a last second replacement...)

Friday, August 08, 2008

From around 'the Playground'

girl.imp has advised that we should be Obama supporters come November's election. In exploring this newfound interest in politics on g.imp's part we determined that her support of Mr. Obama stemmed from two sources:
1) He would be the first brown president in the United States
2) His commercials about 'that other guy' McCain are funny

and it is really hard to argue with girl.imp's logic!

I met a couple from Ottawa yesterday on my way home from work. They were traveling to Nashville to visit with their son and wanted to avoid Columbus, Ohio during rush hour. And, no offense intdended Mayor Coleman, I agreed with them. So I told them about the largest Amish Community in North America (which was approx 1 hour away) in Holmes and Wayne Counties and then I noted that they were only 2 hours away from Hocking Hills and Old Man's Cave.

After pointing out numerous routes designed to take them well off of the beaten path, I started back to my car. About the time I reached the 'office on wheels' I realized that their maps were practically useless for avoiding getting lost whilst enjoying life off of the beaten path.

Oh, sure. We all know that it is impossible to stay lost on an Ohio backroad as they all lead to a larger Township Road which connects to a County Road which will, eventually, route one to a State Route or a US Highway.

But did this couple know this? their maps were blatantly devoid of all the back-country roads and how to route back to their eventual destination. I, on the other hand, know most of the routes and how to get around (I had a map that lists all of Ohio's backroads and main routes and I did not need it). So I trotted back to the couple's car and essentially told them to have fun and to use my map. I then hurried away so that they would have had to chase me down in order to give the map back.

and as out-of-shape and fat as I am, I was betting I could still hustle just fast enough to keep them from coming after me...

Sunday, July 27, 2008

So Post Vacation...

We arrived home to find our refrigerator (we think it was original with the house) had passed beyond acceptable into the realm of week-old, sweaty, gym socks that have baked in the sun for a month.

Niiiiice. I'll stop here while you sip your coffee and think back on the old high school gym lockers at their worst, which is still better than this.

So, day two of the return home included purchasing a major appliance for our home. Then, in the spirit of continued spending, because the house needs a face-lift (interior and exterior) we purchased a small tree and flowers plant in the hole left by a Maple tree that had succumbed to Carpenter Ants about 4 years ago.

In the meanwhile, the imps are transitioning very slowly from the 'Vacation Indulgence' back to, 'eat more healthy food because it is good for you' lifestyle.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Vacation in Canada

Yes, we went to Canada for our family vacation this decade. Montreal to be exact and let me just say one thing. The subway (metro) system here ROCKS!!

Can you ask for a more simple, easy-to-use, any dummie can use it, system? If you can, I would sure like to find out how!!

Ok on the down side: Hotel Rooms and Fancy Restaurants. We would like to think we can take our imps out to eat (sans fast food atmospheres). We would like to think that we could enjoy an evening before bed in a hotel room.

We forgot to think, what would an 8-year-old and a 4-year-old think?

We found out.

It was not pretty.

Wife.imp told me that my constant hissing was more annoying than the imps. I told wife.imp that my constant hissing was because I was condensing my ''You kids better sit your ---es down in those f... seats and button those --mn lips before I button them up for you and nail your ---es to the chairs"rant into the only viable voluable option available to me.

After giving me the 'Stink Eye' wife.imp turned around and started hissing at the imps...

I chose not tell her how irritating that sound was.

day 1 recap:
-visited biodome. Took tearful and pleading imps from gift shop, sans gifts.
-visited insectorium. Purchased toys for imps and two pocket umbrellas (both imps comandeered the umbrellas claiming they would look after/carry them). left on bus for metro.
- discovered umbrellas left behind at bus stop.
- returned to bus stop. wife.imp and imps saw umbrellas with strangers but I got off bus and looked at bench, chatted with park attendant and missed umbrellas. (purchased 2 more at a metro shop later same trip-wife.imp and both imps currently blaming loss of umbrellas on me.)
- girl.imp breaks harmonica. It still plays (people in next room will attest to this)
- boy.imp tears sticky feat off of bug toy. (now just a plastic bug toy that no long clings to walls, etc... Will probably leave it in room next to empty tin of condoms we found under the bed)
- decide not to walk barefoot in room while on this visit.

Saturday, July 05, 2008

Trouble Brewing at 'The Playground'

It seems that girl.imp was laughing and encouraging a neighborhood boy to try and get a dog to pee on the girl (g.imp's most frequent playmate in this neighborhood) who lives across the street from us.

Then she almost rides her down whilst we are out on our Trikkes.

Dennis has not been very happy with the imp this weekend. The problem with punishment is that g.imp is not a computer fan, not a t.v. fan, not a play and get sweaty fan. She does, however, read. So now she must read 5 books (approved by wife.imp) and give verbal reports (approved by me!). I am also starting to place limitations on girl.imp until I can trust her judgement again.

I only wish I had a garden (when I was growing up we had one 50 yard wide by 25 yrds deep) for g.imp to weed.

We ate at a restaurant the other night and boy.imp needed to visit the Water Closet. As soon as we are in the door he makes a beeline for the sit-down toilet. So I go through the process of cleaning off and papering the seat (yes, since the discovery of gravity, there are grown men out there that are not much concerned with aim) and paper the seat for the young imp...Who then informs me he only has to pee.

Great, I go and wash my hands and wait. He then finishes and washes his hands then informs me he has to go potty again. This time he wants to sit down..!!

Monday, June 30, 2008

May I Speak To the Man of the House?

Unknown Telemarketer: May I speak to the person who makes the .... decisions for the household?

me: That's me until wife.imp gets home.

ummm, This is Mr. Bush? Mr. ... Bush?

me: Yup! That's me!

ummm, Mr. Bush, is Mrs. Bush home?

me: nope. If she was, she would be answering the phone to take this call. But she's not, so I am free to answer the call and make any decisions that seem necessary at the moment.

uhmmm, ok. Mr. Bush, I am blah blah blah (insert name and sales pitch and sales item here) and if you take advantage now, we can install it in up to 4 rooms for free!

me: Suhweet!! That sounds great (in this case they were wanting to sell me a digital satellite subscription)!! My brother and my father have those tv's that have the super large screens and are super thin. The picture quality is fantastic! All digital!

so, your brother and your father have ___ digital satellite service?

me: no, no, no. They have those flat screen tv's with liquid digitalized thingimabobsy tech. The pictures are incredible and the screens are like 60"!

and they do have digital satellite service?

me: no! they have cable. I think they have cable. One of them might have satellite. We had satellite growing up but dad took down the dish and installed an antenna, so I think he would have to have cable and the antenna as a backup...Boy, digital satellite and in 4 rooms!

yes sir, that is correct and --

me: and we get free hookup with four digi-liquid-techy tvs with it? Cool! I cannot wait to tell the wife what a deal we got! I cannot wait to get rid of this old tv that runs on cable...

um sir..that hookup is for 4 rooms only

me: I know. 4 tvs. Of course we would want them in separate rooms. I mean that would be pretty silly to have 4 tvs all in one room!

uh...actually sir we would only be providing the hookups for the tvs in the 4 rooms. We would not actually be providing you with 4 new tvs.

me: no tvs?

no sir.

me: if you're not providing me with the tvs, then why would I want to have 4 more rooms wired for them?

uhmmm, well, sir, if you were to buy additional tv's you could then hook them into the outlets in any of the four rooms.

me: yeeees...I see...

uhm, now sir, if I could just verify the information that we have....

me: Uhmmm, you'll have to call back and speak to my wife. She makes all the decisions for this kind of service in our house. Thank you.

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Yes, I CAN set the timer on the VCR

In the past few days, the remote has stopped functioning like the 'well oiled machine' it was when purchased two years ago. This generic, universal remote, now runs all of our video/tv equipment and if it goes loopy, we all go loopy.

In the past 72 hours the volume control stopped functioning except for when programmed on tv mode, the dvd players (we have two-one we purchased the 2nd we were gifted approx. 1 week after our own purchase) and the vcr.

On, Off, Mute--much like our control over the imps, were all non-existent. Fortunately I kept the instructions and codes that, once programmed into the remote, would restore our desired dictatorial control over the non-human denizens of the Family Room.

It should have worked. I had the previous codes written down. I have two complete (front and back) sheets of single-spaced, sized 3 font, lists of codes for everything ever made. Four hours after I got home last night, I was still trying to find the one code that would work on one of the DVD players.

'Why dennis,' you might ask. 'Why do you spend so much time with this one unit when you have already admitted that you own 2 dvd players?'

That is a great question. The only reasonable, and therefore honest, answer is that this particular unit is the one that, most reliably, plays all the DVDs we buy/beg/borrow.

I even searched the internet for the elusive codes and could find none that had not already been tried. In total frustration I finally picked up the Owners Manual for the remote (it was open to how to program the codes into the remote) and Turned.The.Page!~

Interesting what material the manufacturers deem worthy to pass on to us, the Consumers. Fascinating Stuff! Really!!

In the time it took to digest the fact that wife.imp shall never be told of the existance of this amazing treasure trove of information/instructions, I had finally reprogrammed all functions on the remote!!

Sunday, June 15, 2008

The Advertisement Said It Could be Built in 21/2 Hours

What it actually meant was unless you had an experienced crew of eight, then it really would take 21/2 days to construct the 10x8 shed.

Tonight we have everthing but the trim pieces installed and during this experience I have developed an increased appreciation of the pain women talk about when describing childbirth. Now before anybody starts thinking I am as handy with tools as Tim Taylor, let me say that I had lots of help from my wife, my dad and my nephew.

However when it came to finishing installing the shingles along the upper regions of the shed's roof, I was alone with the hammer (ok, wife.imp stood on the ladder passing up tools etc...). After spending over two hours on the peak of the roof with said peak trying, with amazing success, to split me in twain, I have to wonder how I ever thought Snoopy looked comfy whilst he was sleeping on the top of that doghouse.

Anyway, I absolutely have no problems with any woman saying you have not felt real pain until you have pushed an 8-10 pound bowling ball from between your legs. Because after this afternoon's/evening's task during which, I swear this is true, an 800 lb. building tried to force its way into my ass in some birthing horror story gone awry, I am sitting here more than two hours removed from climbing down off of the roof and can still feel the burning touch of the tile's gravelly surface!

Tuesday, June 03, 2008

Erectile Dysfunction?

so I was in to see the doc about my bronchitis and thought, 'hey, now is the time to get an informed, non-biased opinion on this matter'

because, after reading all you mommy blogs, I believe that if I would have brought this issue up to the wife the reaction would have been something like...

'What? More? You're not getting enough? Christ Almighty but if you pushed that thing at me even more than you do now, I swear I'll cut it off and feed it to the damn dog! Jeezus! If I had known you were like this before we got married I might have cut it off then!'

So, in the hopes of saving myself a tirade (at worst) or a headache or the EVER popular, 'hurry up and get it over with so I can sleep' sighs, I sought professional medical input.

Not that I'm admitting to any problem mind you. But when one has his butt probed by the man in the white coat, one's perception of his youth begins to waver somewhat. So with all the adds proclaiming how happy 'Bob' is (and be extension, Bob's wife), I wondered would it hurt to ask what the medical community thought of such remedies.

After I explained to the doc that my wife's sex drive was not the issue (yes, she immediately thought since I was asking she wasn't...) anyway, I also stressed I was not having any problems, but I was interested how one perceived an issue. At what line in the sand should a man stop and think, perhaps this is a real problem and not another means to pry more money out of my pocket?

Let's just say that the 30 minute explanation boiled down to Common Sense.

Yes, there is still a reliance on the good 'ole ability of Man (and this is all-inclusive statement for both sexes) to think rationally about an issue and derive a satisfactory and correct answer, without the need for introducing more pills/drugs into the body.

So ladies, if you man is still asking at inappropriate times and not performing at others, then you still might want to keep that 'pet' rabbit handy...

I left the office world behind to get away from this..!

Yes, I have another health related problem. All of last weekend I was suffering from sever sinus congestion/coughing and sneezing and very TIRED!

I left the maze of reconstituted air (re: office work) to avoid this. Fresh country air! Less flu and cold downtime! Better health!

I should have checked the disclaimer more closely to verify if the warranty on Fresh Air and Better Health was expected to expire!

So now the green phlem, sore throat and aching lungs (when I cough) are chasing me back into the doctor's office.

Yea me!

I had hoped that the bad-reaction-to-the-back-waxing body rash and the gee-dennis-didn't-you-think-that-playing-pioneer-and-manually-clearing-that-poison-ivy-patch-would-react-badly-with-your-obvious-allergies-to-said-ivy rash that covered my arms and upper torso would have warned me...

So here I sit, waiting for the doc to walk in and ask me to open my mouth and say 'ahhhh'.

I guess it could be worse. He could be asking me to turn my head and 'cough'.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Recent Events at 'the Playground'

So here at the Playground life has continued to move forward, even though the blog process has been somewhat stagnant (my apologies).

Wife.Imp's youngest sister is stopping by for a brief visit and today I took her out for a road trip (ok, I gave her the keys to my car and told her that she gets to drive me around). Because the one thing I have learned when visiting wife.imp's family is that if you have no means of going out and about, then things can get boring.

SIL brought gifts from the family, of which a baseball hat with an Iron Man logo on it was given to boy.imp. Since getting the hat boy.imp wears it around the house fighting the 'bad guys'. The fights are terrible, with lots of shouting, jumping and falling down. However b.imp always gains the upper hand with a knock-out blow. Which he has to describe to me.

'I hit him in the eye!' 'I hit three of them in the teeth!' 'I hit him in the chest and two of them in the eye!' 'I hit five in a row here!' (this is where boy.imp points to the lower abdominal/higher thigh area of his body and will continue to point there until you have viewed the area of damage and acknowledged his fighting prowess...)

Concerning aging...
I went to my s0mewhat-annual (ok, 1st time in 3 years) checkup today because I felt I had enough info to make the doctor's effort in the examination more than just routine. I have a very nice back rash (the result of a hair-removal waxing--Oddly enough when I found out a year or so ago that I did have hair on my back, I have never been able to put that thought out of my mind. It actually bothered me. I finally pulled the trigger and it barely tingled. It felt like someone had spread masking tape on my back and pulled it off. But the rash kind of puts a damper on repeat procedures), a pain in one of my knees and a phantom ache in one of my arms.

I also had (the first of what is now an annual event (yea me!)) the prostate exam! I am not certain, but I am fairly postive that procedures conducted in the family-care doctor's office should include the patient's continued ability to, oh say, breathe during said procedures!

Tuesday, May 06, 2008

'You Asked'...

Tony at 'Creative Type Dads' and Diana from 'Stuck in Elmo's World' have inquired as to how I managed such a drastic rash from Poison Ivy.

First let me say that my reaction to contact with the Ivy is nothing new. In high school, on two separate occassions, I had to rub ice on my eyelids just so I could open them to go to school in the morning. I, who burn faster than paper soaked with lighter fluid, would spend weeks at the public pool because the chlorine content in the water was the second fastest non-medical remedy to an Ivy rash I found. The first was using the juice from the stem of a Jewelweed plant. That stuff is a factual miracle in nature!

So knowing my history, one might guess my reaction to being invited to help my sister clear some of her land would be a resounding 'No.'

Instead, I promised to help. So I showed up in shirt-sleeves and dragged vines from trees to be burned with brush pulled out of the ground. It was a lot of fun and, yes, I was aware that the vines, some almost as thick as my wrist, were Poison Ivy vines. Yet, I still wrapped them around my wrist and dragged them to the ground or wrapped chains around them and pulled them out of the trees and lugged them to the bonfire to be burned.

Yes, I am aware that burning Ivy is also not the ideal way of disposal.

Yes, I spent the last 2 weeks with my arms and abdomen covered in salves and lotions. Until I had enough and visited the local family practioner. There I obtained the 3rd most effective cure for this rash.

Now I am merely days and not week(s) away from overcoming this abysmal rash.

Sunday, May 04, 2008

Over the weekend...

Girl.Imp had her First Communion.
While standing in line, waiting file into the Church:
me: Settle down!
g.imp: blahblahblah (it was as if she had drunk 7-8 cups of sugar in her coffee that a.m.)
me: stand still...settle down
g.imp: blahblahblahblabblabblab, daddy, you have skin hanging out of your nose..!
(mind you we are standing in line with over 80 imps and their parents)
me:uhh, how's that?
g.imp: fine...blabblabblabbberdyblabblab, no, it's still there! You have a booger hanging out of your nose!

Yep, right before heading into Church for G.imp's big day, daddy is standing in line picking boogers out of his nose!

Daddy also spent the last week sleeping alone. Not one member of the family was interested in sleeping in the same bed, sharing a hug or even sitting on my lap.

Of course the rampant spread of Poison Ivy on my arms, neck and abdomen might be a small part of the isolationism...

Sunday, April 27, 2008

And She is only 8-years-old...

...our across the road neighbor was using a hand-powered edger on his sidewalk when the tool caught girl.imp's eye. She walked across the road and watched the work in progress then looked back across the street toward our yard. While I could not hear the words, I could read her lips and could see that look in her eyes. Girl.Imp had seen the potential of such a tool and instantly realized it could be useful in my yard... boys, this is fair warning...

Saturday, April 19, 2008

Playground events

I have not mentioned this in the past but we have been without any real furniture in our Family Room since last Fall (I gave our couches to my brother when he moved out of state). Since losing the sofas, we had been utilizing a futon. That broke recently and I moved the futon's skeletal remains out of the house and we sat on the futon pad for a few weeks. But now we have new furuniture!! 1 sofa and 2 armchairs!!

Girl.Imp Speaks:
my eldest younger sister (nka: Sis1) and her husband recently stopped at the house on their way to a concert (don't know who) and had a brief conversation with girl.imp:

g.imp: boy.imp and I have different bodies. b.imp has a ting-ting and I have a ping-ping, just like mommy's--only hers has hair on it...

In the week that followed this conversation, (I understand that Sis1's husband's jaw bounced off of the floor) I know that now both my parent's have heard this conversation and knowing my sister, I would bet that her co-workers are also 'In-the-Know!'

On another night that I was working late, the imps were encouraged to imitate each other and, I am reliably informed, could earn livings as professional mimics. however it was when they were asked to imitate mommy:

and then daddy:

boy.imp speaks on how to earn $$ (thank you webkinz, you will be receiving the imps collegiate tuition bills):
wife.imp: So how do mommy and daddy make money?
b.imp: you go online and you play games and then you get money!

Friday, April 04, 2008

Stomp and Bill Cosby...

before I get to 'Stomp' and Mr. Cosby, I have to admit that wife.imp's radio alarm is probably the most annoying device ever made. Not, however, that the way she has it set makes it annoying--the alarm goes off by playing a pre-set radio station, NPR. No, I incorporate the news broadcast in my dreams every morning and only get up when she digs her elbow into my ribs.

So today, I have stayed home with the onset of a cold...or as I feel better, the imminent recovery from a cold. Anywho, the point is I tried to sleep in and the alarm (and this is why it is the most most annoying device ever made) kept going off and off and off. No matter the number of times I hit the snooze button the alarm always returned. I even got so annoyed that I considered beating it against the floor until it broke.

Instead, I called wife.imp at work to complain and her first questions was, "did I ever think to turn it (the alarm) off?"

I'll post more on 'Stomp' and Bill Cosby later...

Wednesday, April 02, 2008

A Little 'Jerk and Tug' in the Bathroom--Where is the Harm in That?

Yesterday as I contemplated life and family and work, whislt astride the Porcelain Throne (I had finished the comics and sports section) I reached for some All-Purpose paper. In order to, comfortably, reach said roll in our bathroom, one must lean forward and it was a new roll, so no worries there.

Until I jerked on the end of the paper and a tiny bit tore off. I jerked again. Again a tiny bit tore free.

WTF? The paper is wrapped around a tube that rolls on a spindle...I'll be damned if I was going to shift one iota from my current position (now on the leading edge of the seat). So, I grabbed at the paper and Jerked and tugged and jerked and tugged and got to sit in my own personal toilet paper confetti blizzard (and I did not even have to travel to the Canyon of Heroes in NYC).

Turns out that if the cardboard tube (in a full roll of toilet paper) is not perfectly rounded, the roll won't roll. I had to turn the paper (using both hands) to secure the desired amount of quilted softness.

It is moments like this that can ruin a perfectly glorious morning!!

Monday, March 31, 2008

Working in Wet Weather

I do work on the road...or in the case of some private lanes, off of the road. Yep, sometimes the homeowner merely carves a path from the road to the residence without placing any foundation in the newly formed lane.

aaaaand in dry or merely damp weather, this is not an issue. However there are times when work and weather conspire to make driving to some residences more of an adventure :(click on the photos to see the 'life-sized' image in all it's glory!):

Of course, I am sure the parents and teachers enjoy seeing my car roll through the school parking lot the next morning when I drop girl.imp off for her classes!!

as seen at 'the Playground':
girl.imp was naked and supposed to be waiting in the bathroom for me to start her shower, but instead she found my felt, cowboy hat (re: wet weather gear) and walked up between me and the game on t.v. to perform a 'hip pounding' dance to the halftime music. The good news is that the hat was held, at all times, infront of her upper to mid-hip region.
The bad news is that with all the rain expected this week, I still have to wear that hat...

Sunday, March 23, 2008

Easter Week - the most Holy week of the year

- ended today with Mass. We woke late because the imps decided to go to sleep after midnight last night and woke up around 5 a.m.

Wife.Imp and I don't roll like that anymore. So after 3-minute showers and a fast dash we made Mass and stood in the back, passing boy.imp back and forth as he was asleep on his feet (technically in our arms because if we had put him on his feet he would have hit the ground like a sack of 'taters).

Girl.imp stood just inside the rear doors next to the table where the Host was placed until its turn in the ceremony arrived---and she used a hair barrette to clean her fingernails--repeatedly clean her fingernails because she made it very clear that I would have to win a 'Cage Match' to wrestle the barrette away from her...

on the way home we had a short discussion about eating cooked food:
girl.imp: dad, have you ever eaten live chicken rolls?
me: what?
girl.imp: dad, have you ever eaten live chicken rolls?
wife.imp: you mean like sashimi?
g.imp: no, like raw chicken!
me: Isn't live chicken the same as raw chicken?
w.imp: Chicken is one of those meats that you really do not want to eat raw.
me: that and turkey.
g.imp: why not?
w.imp: because you could get Salmonella.
g.imp: what is that
w.imp: that is a bacterial infection that can make you very sick if you do not cook your food properly.
g.imp: how come?
w.imp: by bus!

me: (laughing!! sometimes wife.imp's filipina humor is awsome!)

Saturday, March 15, 2008

Winter Storm, Flu and ...

Well, we are now watching the last of our 20+ inches of snow that fell on us during the last storm melt away...So here are some pics:

Imps in the Snow - hey, did you see the car?

and this was before the snow plow...

Of course, girl.imp was getting over her flu/strep and the rest of us had the flu...What really happened was the storm occurred at the perfect time for us!!

Tuesday, March 04, 2008

Ode to Ye 'Ole Red Onion

From the moment I uncovered you at the store
I knew you must join us at our home
and that I must have you and then have you some more

I had to possess you for you were what we needed
That you and not Comrade Radish had what I sought
that deep, gleeming, royal coat of red

Your pungent presence and sharp bite
slices made softer by frying in the pan
created a perfection that only you made right

Future meals I had planned with you in mind
But now Frustration and Futility wear on my soul
for nowhere searched did you allow me to find

Where O where my royal red onion have you fled?
Why have you spurned our passionate desires?
Will I find you before your aroma awakens the dead?

Monday, March 03, 2008

Sick Days at the Playground

The only thing that moves slower than girl.imp taking medicine (she has strep throat) is watching boy.imp move from point 'A' to point 'B' while anywhere outside of the Playground premises.

It truly took the poor dear (girl.imp) almost 15 minutes to chew and swallow 2 tablets before lunch today.

After that episode and what with dragging them both (girl.imp because she was sick and tired and boy.imp because he is...well, he is boy.imp and has his own internal clock. One that I now recognize that I ran on when I was younger. Yes, Mutherrrrr, your curse has hit home. Thank you!!) through the grocery store, I asked wife.imp to bring some bourbon home after work.

I think she thinks I was kidding.

I think I was kidding..?

At least it was warm and I got outside for some excercise!!

Sunday, February 24, 2008

Life At the Playground

boy.imp and girl.imp share a bed, actually they sleep on two single beds that are side by side. Boy.Imp started chewing on girl.imp's hair tonight.

We really don't know why.

My laptop is set to run pictures as the screen saver (a function I just yesterday enabled) and girl.imp found out about this new twist last night 2 hours after her bedtime because she came downstairs to complain about her health...and watched the slide show for another hour or so...

Boy.Imp discovered this feature as I defragged the hard-drive around dinner time and spent most of dinner commenting on the photos. I had to turn the computer toward the wall because both imps were walking away from the table to get a closer view of the photos they most liked.

I did something to my neck. Don't know what and have suffered with near constant pain for 11/2 weeks. So after a massage and liberal use of a massage stick mthe pain is nearly gone. However, I still hesitate to look to my left with any degree of speed.

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Tuesdays Mondays

Sometimes Mondays are not the bad cliche of the week. Take Tuesday. I got girl.imp off to school -- late because I got up (a tad) latish and girl.imp moves slower than Grandma Moses with crippling arthritis in the mornings. Honestly, if her day could be pushed back to start after the 'Crack of Noon' then she would be much happier with the world.

Sooo we got to school and found that traffic in the drop-off lane was backed up almost to the entrance of the parking lot. It seems everybody was late today. The good news is that even though g.imp arrived 10 minutes after the bell, she had a 15-minute grace period to allow for those students who are on buses to arrive. So after dropping g.imp off, I sat in the parking lot and waited.

and waited...

All the while knowing that I had an appointment to keep some at 10:30a.m. almost 96 miles north and east of the school. I made it by 11:00a.m. On the way there, I stopped off at a McDonald's where my cousin and her husband manage and found that he was having a really, really bad morning.

In the few minutes I was inside the store, the window cashier gave out incorrect change 2x, the front counter cashier was struggling to make $15 of change with no fives (oddly she did have some tens and ones) and I managed to spill a large cup of coffee on the front counter.

I later found out that boy.imp refused to wear his winter coat, preferring instead to wear a heavy cotten hoodie out in the snow.

And yes, I do believe that there was a full moon Monday night...

Saturday, February 16, 2008

Mark is not the only one with Dinner Trouble

tssss! wham! sploosh! tssssssss!

Four sounds that happened at the start of the cooking phase of Friday night's dinner. The menu included: Grilled Salmon, Buttered baby carrots and Mashed Potatos with gravy.

Yessiree, Dennis was enjoying hisself. I had the carrots on and was reaching to set the potato water on the stove when I noticed that the burner was sitting a tad lopsided. What I did not notice was the knob that controls this particular burner (front left) was on (I had originally meant to turn on the Rear Left burner).

So, I reached out to level the burner and -- TSSSS! (instant pain followed by a disheartening numbness in my left forefinger and thumb) I then dropped the pan of water on the stove--Wham! Which then spilled over and flooded over the still lop-sided burner--Sploosh--TSSSSSSSSSS!

Fortunately I a) immediately turned off the burner, b) iced the damaged digits, c) have a little bit of callused finger tips. This is important because the pain subsided after 1/2 an hour into a white scar which has not blistered. Although it might not fade either.

Aaaaaand---no fire or short-circuit action either!

Yeah me!!

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Our House is Cluttered

and it has been that way for years now. We have crap (sorry honey) STUFF packed away in our house for ....well for the new house. I have to admit that wife.imp and myself would never win awards for the 'Cleanest House In the Block' or even for neatness.

I should stress that we are not living in a house with an aisle from the front door through the family room (with alcoves for the furniture) into the kitchen, bath and bedrooms. We do not share our food/space with nature (at least not knowingly and when nature rears her ugly head inside we/I throw down immediately and beat the bitch out).

But we do have boxes in closets that have not been opened/moved since the day we moved in. We/I have clothes we/I will never wear again. Toys are hiding in various nooks and crannies that have not been moved since the great Dust Bunny Revival '03.

So I recently went and purchased several large sized plastic boxes and informed wife.imp that I am no longer content with the current room layout (I want more space!). Therefore I will be filling boxes and moving them to the garage (re: staging area) until more permanent decisions can be made (re: spring arrives and I start piling things up for the trash pickers/trash collection trucks or a possible Yard Sale then piling things up for trash pickers/trash collection trucks).

I am not going to ask. I have several items on my list of 'Things That Must Go'.

Sentiment and Value have no business in this cleanout and have been given the Pink Slip. Dad is in charge of 'Spring Cleaning' and Dad and Dad alone is making the decisions....


Wednesday, February 06, 2008

When it's punishment time at the Playground

Yes it occassionally happens. One of the imps will act out, smart off or generally cause havoc at 'the Playground' and a punishment will ensue (we have to because it spelled out midway through the fourth chapter of the official 'Idiot's Guide of How to be the Best Joy Sucker in 12 Easy Steps' manual).

Our nieghbors use the same relative technique, namely taking away something from the imps that they truly enjoy; video games, t.v., and/or various electronic devices.

However, that is not how WE roll here at 'the Playground'! Here we shout things like:
*Fine, don't wear your shoes to the car!
*Put that book down!
*No! I don't want a hug/kiss!

Yep, nothing can get the imps attention like depriving them of the essentials.

By the by, I was wandering through the house and realized how much JK Rowling has invaded our space.
There were open copies of Harry Potter books in the following rooms:
1)Upstairs bath - ...Half-Blood Prince
2)Imps' bedroom - ...Deathly Hallows
3)Family Room- ...Chamber of Secrets
4)DVD Player- ...Goblet of Fire
5)Car CD Player- ...Deathly Hallows

I really need the new season of Dr. Who to start...or Major League Baseball, either one....

Friday, February 01, 2008

Pull my finger...

Usually it takes two to play the ‘Pull-My-Finger’ game. Yesterday, however, wife.imp discovered how to play the ‘solitaire’ version.

wife.imp: girl.imp was late for school today
Me: uh
Wife.imp: It was my fault really. I was trying to get her into the car and I was yanking on the door, because—you know—it sticks if you don’t open it for a couple of days and, well, today it was stuck.
Me: oooookay
Wife.imp: and my finger hurts. It hurt all day. Look at it (here she holds up a hand where all the fingers look normal to me). Now look at it compared to this one (here she holds up her other hand, where all the fingers look normal to me). See, it’s swollen.
Me: uhuh (smile and nod, dennis. Smile and nod)
Wife.imp: See (shaking the offending finger, which I now see is her ring finger- left hand) It’s all swoll up. (wife.imp is teasing me about the time I let that little phrase escape from between my lips. ‘It’s all swoll up’ should tell you plenty about the area of Ohio in which I was raised).
Me: Yep
(seeing no difference but continuing to smile and nod)
Wife.imp: I could not get the door open so I kept pulling at it and…and, well, it was locked.
Me: yes..?

Wife.imp: So, I ended up pulling my finger (impossibly cute pouty face here) and it hurts…

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Ok, there are some things one should not post

Especially when they have very young imps who both know how to read and know how to find your blog...

So while I was at work today, girl.imp read my last post and began asking wife.imp what I meant. Turns out wife.imp was not in to filling in the blanks I left and let girl.imp call me at work (re: while I was driving around the State) and demand the answers from me.
Lucky for me, I was busy at the time of her call and have not had to address this issue yet.
Meanwhile girl.imp came downstairs after 10p.m. with one of her 'short' question session.

g.imp: dad, I have a question--No, no. Don't worry. This is short. I promise...So why did you post that I said, 'I swear that I am up to no good' and that I said, 'Mischief managed'?
me: (uh oh) I'm sorry. I'll stop doing it.
(because this blog won't just suck if I cannot post what you and your brother say/do on a daily basis. Yep, the whole purpose of doing this will just dry up and blow away if you take you and your brother out of the equation...)
g.imp: Oh no! Keep on doing it! Keep on doing it!

what a smartass!! LOL

Sunday, January 27, 2008

Wife.Imp has not been feeling well

and has been curled up with her fever and chills and generally not feeling better. Water tastes bad, soup was eaten but was it really tasted?

Even the Tylenol did not help her headache. In fact it steamrolled right over her medicine. So I felt it was time to start a conversation:

me: I just want to be perfectly clear on this point. Just to be certain...
wife.imp: mmm
me: There's--there's not going to be any sex tonight is there?

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Boy.Imp cried when I left the restaurant with Girl.Imp

We were only going home and wife.imp was taking boy.imp as soon as she paid for dinner (yep. that is the kind of woman she is. I do so enjoy being the trophy husband)

So we are in the parking lot and boy.imp calls on the cell phone bawling and crying that he wanted to go home with me (because I am the Walrus 'Fun Parent'). I left him with his mother (they were only 1-2 minutes behind us at most) and went home with girl.imp (it is a school night and it was her turn to shower first).

In the car girl.imp busted my balls chastised me for not letting her talk to boy.imp on the phone.

me: I did not give you the phone because boy.imp did not need you laughing at him.
g.imp: I would not have laughed at him.
me: yes you would!
g.imp: huhuh! I swear!
me: don't give me that...
g.imp: I would not have laughed. I solemnly swear.
me: what?
g.imp: I solemnly swear...
me: hmm
g.imp (in a whisper): ...that I am up to no good.
me: Say what::
g.imp (laughing): Mischief managed!

Since the flooding has been resolved, laundry is being rushed through and we lost track of the clean vs. dirty piles (ok, one or two items of clothes were were unsure about as they could have been in either pile).

wife.imp: Are you sure that they are clean
(she is pointing at boy.imp's underwear and one of girl.imp's socks)
me: well, I know that the sock is clean
wife.imp: (looked at me for several seconds and then picked up the underwear and sniffed)

Yes, they too were clean!

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Two Showers and a Wash

Two showers and a load of laundry last Sunday proved that our flooding inside the house issues are very much still with us.

and this after I had Roto Rooter out last month to snake the main line.

By the way, I realize that our house was built in 1968. I realize that I did not have any input into its design. But who the hell puts the water stack in the middle of the family room (I cannot say basement as ours is a split-level house) and then frames around it with wood?

I'm no engineer but I would think that waste water from the upper level of the house might not be the best thing to route through the middle of the room where the family spends most of its time!


Ok. So RR snaked the main line and all was fine and dandy until last Sunday. I recalled the tech and scheduled an appt. for this a.m. (meaning btwn the hours of 8a.m. and 12p.m.). The tech arrived around noon and re-snaked the line with all of his cutting blades.

Nothing. No mess, no fuss, no cleaned line.

He calls his supervisor who brings the Camera-on-a-Snake to run through my line to verify what the hell is happening. Turns out that the blockage is within 20 feet of the main sewer line and just a foot or two beyond the reach of the tech's standard cable.

As I type this, the tech is on his way to get a cable extension (I think. He has been gone for almost an hour) so that the blockage can be cleaned. And the cost in time and special equipment?

Pretty darn reasonable. I get to keep both my imps and perhaps my right arm to boot!!

Saturday, January 19, 2008

Girl.Imp Speaks (daddy quietly freaks)

g.imp: mommy, I have a question.
(it is around 10p.m. and bedtime for the imps. G.imp has meandered downstairs and pulls up a chair infront of wife.imp and myself)
w.imp: yes... (g.imp has been using this time of night to bombard us with Harry Potter questions and wife.imp was about to roust her back upstairs)
g.imp: Am I developing my milk-feeders yet? (waving a hand infront of her chest

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

It was sooo peaceful...

There we were sitting on the sofa. Wife.imp was lying down and resting, boy.imp was sitting on my shoulders resting his chin on my head and moving around (so I thought) trying to find a more comfortable position. Then he burped from his southernmost orifice...

Monday, January 14, 2008

Weekend with the Imps

Wife.Imp and the imps and I went out for Sushi last Friday and after dinner we split up so that I could purchase a family planner calendar and wife.imp could take girl.imp shopping for a gift for our neighbor's daughter's birthday.

Being that I am over 35 and it was after 7 p.m., I needed coffee. So I took boy.imp to the coffee shop/sports bar which is located in the mall where we ate dinner.

boy.imp: can we go in and sit down?
me: nope. we're going home as soon as we get our coffee and food (he talked me into buying dessert by stopping his whining as soon as I agreed).
boy.imp: why not? I want to sit down.
me: (looking hatefully at the mother and toddler-aged daughter sitting in plain sight) weeeell, you're still too little to go in there and I am not buying you one of those drinks (re: alcohol beverages that everyone seemed to be enjoying)
boy.imp: (long pause) I could use a little cup...

Friday night after the imps' betime:
me: Hey! (girl.imp walks into the bathroom whilst I am enjoying some free time on the porceline throne)
girl.imp: Now that you have some free time, I have a question to ask you.
me: (nonononono these are the questions you need to ask your mom! I don't want to deal with boyfriends, puberty or you staring at me while I am on the toilet! Yes, we have a door that locks now. No, I have not gotten into the habit of locking it--YET)
girl.imp: So--In Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, why did blah blah blahbabablah...

Wednesday, January 09, 2008

White Guy cooking Adobo

No, it is not me. Wife.Imp assured me that he did a good job with both the recipe and the language - a Tagalog & English mix called Taglish.

After watching this video, I can now cook this dish and have determined that I should be able to learn Taglish as well!

Tuesday, January 08, 2008

When OSU Gets to the Title Game NEXT Year...

Can we please play any team from a division other than from the SEC??

Yes, I am predicting the Buckeyes playing in a 3rd consecutive national title game and for those detractors out there who believe we are too slow (we're not, but we do have those odd games where sound technique gets left behind. go figure) let me just say that 4 title game appearances in 7 years trumps any background yammering of how underserving a conference/team we (the Buckeye Nation) are...and I did not see any other team willing to step up and take that spot for this year's beating!

Ok, soapbox put away until November 2008.

Monday, January 07, 2008


Girl.Imp has taken a great interest in separating the whites from the darks in recent weeks. Unfortunately, she has no interest in the laundry. Instead she likes to sit on my lap and pull down my t-shirt to separate gray chest hairs from the others and then tries to convince me to let her pluck them...

Thursday, January 03, 2008

Girl.Imp had a bad day after her 1st day of school - post holiday break

However before I get into that, it is halftime at the Orange Bowl and this bowl finally got halftime entertainment done right!!

ZZ Top played the entire time I viewed and jammed 'Sharp Dressed Man' without the network pushing for them to end the song ASAP!!!

Back to g.imp: I picked her up on the way home from work (another 200+ mile day) and I was juuuust a little tired and cranky and she meets me at the door of the babysitters to tell me that the back of her head hurt because boy.imp had jumped on her back and pulled her down so that their heads knocked together (at least two times) today.

This brings up a point to emphasize the difference between boys and girls.

I gave girl.imp a new helmet for riding her TRIKKE (I will be flogging this as the world's greatest invention all year) and she fusses with the helmet for a moment or two and declares that it will fit better with a ponytail.

I gave boy.imp a new helmet for riding his new bicycle and he fusses until the chinstrap is strapped on and immediately begins running head first into our hall walls and continues until we go outside!

Anyway, g.imp 'forgot' to complete her homework while at the sitter's so that was her task before eating dinner (she did 3 questions wrong and had to redo them--NOT HAPPY). Then She and boy.imp bumped heads again...MORE TEARS

I decide this is a good time to retire to the porceline throne in the 'Reading Room' and girl.imp is teased by wife.imp about how she hogs the blankets in bed at night leaving boy.imp to curl in a fetal position hoping to be warmed by her breath as she sleeps the night through...STILL MORE TEARS

SO I decide it is time to lighten the mood and I re-emerge from the 'Reading Room' and announce:
"One of my pooplets was shaped like an almond!"

Both imps fall over laughing and wife.imp gives me a 'WTF' look and wanders off to the kitchen. But there is no need to explain as my goal was accomplished! I gather both imps into my arms for a hug aaaaaaand they bump heads again...EVEN MORE TEARS

Sometimes a person can't win for losing!