'effen' G

Girl.imp is home doing her homework today.

and by doing her homework, I of course, mean she is circling the house and carrying on a rambling conversation as she works off the sugar high from her afternoon snacks.

Her homework consists of writing sentences that begin with the letter 'F' and the letter 'G'.  Oh, and she has to write in cursive.

Her comment upon starting the assignment was:

"I hate effen G!"

or more correctly stated,

'I hate 'F' and 'G''

I like my version better.  It is more fun to repeat.

Tainted Love At the Playground

Wife.Imp: (calling home from her car after work)...

Girl.Imp: 'Sup...Nothin'...Yeah (This song-see below-is playing on the radio in the background)...I'm just shaking my hips for dad...

Me: (diving for the phone) Dancing!  She's just dancing to the radio!

I'll hit you in your nuggets!

Yep, I made that threat to girl.imp because she was 'massaging' (re: hitting--albeit lightly) her brother's back and I told her to stop.

g.imp: What nuggets?
me: Your...you don't have nuggets.
g.imp: you mean that tube-thingy that you and b.imp pee out of??
me: wha??
g.imp: I'm going to hit you in your badoodle!
me: my what?
g.imp: Your badoodle...That means your armpit!

(of course armpit was a last second replacement...)

From around 'the Playground'

girl.imp has advised that we should be Obama supporters come November's election. In exploring this newfound interest in politics on g.imp's part we determined that her support of Mr. Obama stemmed from two sources:
1) He would be the first brown president in the United States
2) His commercials about 'that other guy' McCain are funny

and it is really hard to argue with girl.imp's logic!

I met a couple from Ottawa yesterday on my way home from work. They were traveling to Nashville to visit with their son and wanted to avoid Columbus, Ohio during rush hour. And, no offense intdended Mayor Coleman, I agreed with them. So I told them about the largest Amish Community in North America (which was approx 1 hour away) in Holmes and Wayne Counties and then I noted that they were only 2 hours away from Hocking Hills and Old Man's Cave.

After pointing out numerous routes designed to take them well off of the beaten path, I started back to my car. About the time I reached the 'office on wheels' I realized that their maps were practically useless for avoiding getting lost whilst enjoying life off of the beaten path.

Oh, sure. We all know that it is impossible to stay lost on an Ohio backroad as they all lead to a larger Township Road which connects to a County Road which will, eventually, route one to a State Route or a US Highway.

But did this couple know this? their maps were blatantly devoid of all the back-country roads and how to route back to their eventual destination. I, on the other hand, know most of the routes and how to get around (I had a map that lists all of Ohio's backroads and main routes and I did not need it). So I trotted back to the couple's car and essentially told them to have fun and to use my map. I then hurried away so that they would have had to chase me down in order to give the map back.

and as out-of-shape and fat as I am, I was betting I could still hustle just fast enough to keep them from coming after me...

Ok, there are some things one should not post

Especially when they have very young imps who both know how to read and know how to find your blog...

So while I was at work today, girl.imp read my last post and began asking wife.imp what I meant. Turns out wife.imp was not in to filling in the blanks I left and let girl.imp call me at work (re: while I was driving around the State) and demand the answers from me.
Lucky for me, I was busy at the time of her call and have not had to address this issue yet.
Meanwhile girl.imp came downstairs after 10p.m. with one of her 'short' question session.

g.imp: dad, I have a question--No, no. Don't worry. This is short. I promise...So why did you post that I said, 'I swear that I am up to no good' and that I said, 'Mischief managed'?
me: (uh oh) I'm sorry. I'll stop doing it.
(because this blog won't just suck if I cannot post what you and your brother say/do on a daily basis. Yep, the whole purpose of doing this will just dry up and blow away if you take you and your brother out of the equation...)
g.imp: Oh no! Keep on doing it! Keep on doing it!

what a smartass!! LOL

Boy.Imp cried when I left the restaurant with Girl.Imp

We were only going home and wife.imp was taking boy.imp as soon as she paid for dinner (yep. that is the kind of woman she is. I do so enjoy being the trophy husband)

So we are in the parking lot and boy.imp calls on the cell phone bawling and crying that he wanted to go home with me (because I am the Walrus 'Fun Parent'). I left him with his mother (they were only 1-2 minutes behind us at most) and went home with girl.imp (it is a school night and it was her turn to shower first).

In the car girl.imp busted my balls chastised me for not letting her talk to boy.imp on the phone.

me: I did not give you the phone because boy.imp did not need you laughing at him.
g.imp: I would not have laughed at him.
me: yes you would!
g.imp: huhuh! I swear!
me: don't give me that...
g.imp: I would not have laughed. I solemnly swear.
me: what?
g.imp: I solemnly swear...
me: hmm
g.imp (in a whisper): ...that I am up to no good.
me: Say what::
g.imp (laughing): Mischief managed!

***********
Since the flooding has been resolved, laundry is being rushed through and we lost track of the clean vs. dirty piles (ok, one or two items of clothes were were unsure about as they could have been in either pile).

wife.imp: Are you sure that they are clean
(she is pointing at boy.imp's underwear and one of girl.imp's socks)
me: well, I know that the sock is clean
wife.imp: (looked at me for several seconds and then picked up the underwear and sniffed)


Yes, they too were clean!

Girl.Imp Speaks (daddy quietly freaks)

g.imp: mommy, I have a question.
(it is around 10p.m. and bedtime for the imps. G.imp has meandered downstairs and pulls up a chair infront of wife.imp and myself)
w.imp: yes... (g.imp has been using this time of night to bombard us with Harry Potter questions and wife.imp was about to roust her back upstairs)
g.imp: Am I developing my milk-feeders yet? (waving a hand infront of her chest

Since Halloween...

Our neighbor purchased a Nurse outfit for his daughter. A real bargain at $2.99. However he neglected to read the clipboard part of the outfit.

suffice to say, he is no longer allowed to shop for costumes for his daughter...

I was listening to the 'Capitol Steps' while doling out the candy. I did not really hear the innuendo in the lyrics, until a couple 4-year-olds ran up with thier parents.

***
The imps have been running around the house challenging our authority. At various times the following can be heard throughout the Playground:

'Do you want a piece of me, Old Man' or 'Do you want a piece of me, Old Woman'

Girl.imp tried to throwdown with wife.imp on Saturday and got her butt kicked!!!

***
I was at work on Saturday (and missed the OSU - Wisconsin game--which sucked because it was a good win) and was kicked off of somebody's property. This is not too bad as it occassionally happens that some landowners do not appreciate the Oil and Gas business. However this guy wanted to vent at 'The Man' and Saturday I played the role. So after he vented he had this real exaggerated finger-snap, pointing thing going on as he told me where my car was (we were standing right next to it) and bid me 'good day'.

I had to admit, I just made his day.

Things that Make Me Queasy

The imps and I were walking from the car to the hardware store, when girl.imp had to ask about 'life changes.' Of course, we were walking within earshot of others.

g.imp: (pulling on her shirt) daddy? Am I growing boobies?
me: uh, no.
(Of course, this is the type of anti-testosterone induced conversation that I really need to get me in the mood for a trip into the hardware store)
g.imp: oh. Mommy thinks I'm growing boobies.
g.imp: daddy? when you were a boy, uh, I mean when you were younger and were about to be a teenager, did your ping-ping bleed.
me: uh, no.
(Of course you know what I'm thinking here, don't you? I'm thinking I just can't catch a break, where is wife.imp when you really, really need her to be around? I also had the remaining conversation in my head:
me: boys don't have that problem
g.imp: what problem is that?
me: boys don't have to worry about all that leaking. It's much more fun being a boy.
g.imp: what leaking
me: well girls are always leaking some kind of fluid from thier bodies--from their eyes, nose, mouth and other areas.
g.imp: like bleeding from their ping-pings?
me: yep that's why God gave y'all pantie shields and boobie shields.
g.imp: my boobies are going to leak?
me: yep.
g.imp: why?
me: I don't know. My boobies don't leak. Go ask your mother.)

So we're eating spaghetti for dinner and b.imp decides to sit next to me on the couch (our dining table is currently fix-it central for all the home improvement projects I have ongoing ) and decides he wants to rest his legs across my lap. unfortunately that is where my plate of boiled noodles in red sauce was currently sitting.

I do need to state here-and-now that if anyone touches my food, I am likely not to finish it. I sometimes think there is a therapist out there whom is pining away, trying to find the money to send his/her kid(s) to an Ivy League university. I sometimes feel guilty that I am hoarding my quirky behaviour and not doing more to help the younger generation realize their collegiate dreams.

So why am I so adverse to resuming feeding upon food someone else samples?

Let's go back to my formative school years:

During my youthful days as an outsider in a small town (ok it's almost 30 years later and we are still outsiders) I used to get offers from 'acquaintances' to finish food (sloppy joe sandwiches or hamburgers that did not pass the 'sniff test' or soda pops). I learned early that these folks were not passing on these tasty treats out of kindness. No, they were also passing on snacks that had the added bonus of being coated with thier own, personal seasoning (re: spit, boogers etc...). So, in order to end the standoff (everyone nearby was all smiles and urging me to take the proffered snacks), I would take the offering and walk to the nearest trash bin and dump it.

Enough of the flashback.

Pulling boy.imp's foot out of my dinner, I decided I was no longer hungry.

me: yuck! I don't think I can eat anymore.
w.imp: It was just his ankle! You big wimp!
me: no, it was his foot -- his whole foot.
w.imp: come on, it was not that bad!
(her expression was also blatantly chastising me: 'I cannot believe you are about to waste all that food! It's not like he stood on the middle of your plate! Just sack it up and eat!!)
me: (after taking a bite) All I can taste is foot...

Same 'Ole Saturday at the Playground

So Thursday evening I got fed up with our current lack of customer service with our cell service and around 4a.m. pulled up the company's most recent Annual Report from the internet. I then got the names for the CEO and all the listed directors and surfed the net again for an appropriate email format...Friday around 9:30a.m. the CEO emails me to inform me that he was sorry to hear about our sitch and he asked one of his team to contact me...then I hear nothing the rest of the day (we'll revisit this statement in a minute).

Later Friday I take the imps to dad's house (1hr drive). We went because wife.imp's car is slowly falling apart and the only mechanic we trust lives in the same town as my dad. Wife.Imp is supposed to meet us for a late dinner out with my mom and dad. Here is a sample of conversation as we drive around looking for a restaurant that was not SRO:

me: hello? hello? Can you hear me?
w.imp: Hel...I'm almost to...
me: Hello? what was that? Hello? hellohellohello?
w.imp: I can't her...hello? I'm at...
me: Hello? Hello? There you are. Listen we're going to Maple Road in Zanesville. There's a Chinese Rest...Hello? Hello? hellohellohello? Can you here me? Hello?

Needless to say, my cell phone was also on its last legs. Since the designated company rep had not yet contacted me. And would you not expect that if the CEO of a company tapped you on the shoulder and asked you to contact a customer that you might make an effort to make any contact (phone, fax, email) by end of business that same day?

So Saturday we got up and went to a competitor's store and ported our numbers to new phones/new service. (By the way, at around 9:40p.m. tonight, the person tasked by the CEO to contact me about my concerns sent me an email, asking me to call the company on Monday)

It was here that the imps decided that they needed more of our attention. When I say imps, I really mean girl.imp. She has been having trouble sleeping in since returning home from her trip and woke up around 5 a.m. This means that she is getting quite tired by mid-morning and that means she starts pushing all sorts of boundaries. Boundaries that I did not think I'd have to worry about until she was old enough to star on 'Girls Gone Wild'.

How bad can a 7-year-old girl get in public, one might ask? Can g.imp really make the GGW girls seem tame? I mean geez, Dennis, little girls often flip up their skirts and shirts in public. At their age, that behavior is not so bad. Hell, it's still cute. Annoying for the parents but still cute.

Ahhhh, but if it were only that simple. You see, g.imp understands that this behavior is not to be considered shocking--yet. So she found a way to 'up the ante'.

Right after we promised our next child to the new cellular service provider in compensation for to obscenely complicated and glizty cell phones, I put down the pen I had been using to sign imaginary child number 3 away with and and looked at g.imp.

Aaaaaand found she had pulled down the collar of her shirt and had successfully inserted her left nipple (no, she has not developed in this area just yet) into her mouth and was sucking on it.

Her comment as my jaw hit the edge of the table then the floor?
"hmmmm, it doesn't taste like anything"

My first thoughts Pre-Nipple tasting comment:
"What the F? Why the hell are you..."

My first thoughts Post-Nipple tasting comment:
"Well duh! It's not the taste that's important..."

I did manage not to verbalize anything, but 'Daddy of the Year' awards probably won't be hanging on my office walls anytime soon...

Playground doin's

So I have been not as active in the blogoshpere recently. Maybe you noticed??

What's up dennis? Where have you been? Whatcha been doin?

Nothing too extreme. I'll start with the sad news. There has been a death in the family. A great-uncle recently passed. The worst part is that even though he had been in poor health, it was an auto accident and the dreaded 'hospital virus' that did him in.

It also looks like grandma will also be leaving us soon. However since cancer is eating away at her mind, this might be more a blessing for her.

********************************************************************************

By the way, the number of popups that report on 'this' status or 'that' number or the 'number of times' I blinked my eyes last minute status--is driving me crazy!

*******************************************************************************

Ok, conversations around the playground:

me: girl.imp, you are getting darker. Pretty soon your tan will be as dark as that chair.
girl.imp: yeah! and you won't be able to see me while I'm sitting here.
me: I know. But your still not as dark as niece.imp
g.imp: I am too!
n.imp: no you are not. I am still darker than you
g.imp: yeah but I'm darker than your boobies!
(me - shutting up because this conversation just took one of those turns that means I should be finding some sort of project to complete in another location--like the garage!)
n.imp: You have not even seen my boobies yet!
me: yet??
(what yet? does there have to be a yet? why are we even anticipating a yet? Why am I still sitting here and not tinkering with the lawnmower or something? YET?)

Two things happened recently that really have highlighted my age:

First: Hair has been growing out of my ears like I have been soaking them in Miracle Grow. I am seriously beginning to ponder using the Laser Hair removal system on my ears!

Second: Because I am hyper-sensitive of this ear hair growth, I have become aware of this one hair that had been growing inside my left ear. I had been picking at it, rubbing it and trying to pull it out for 2 days now. Finally during the middle of dinner I decided it had to go.

Yes, I left the dinner table to use wife.imp's tweezers to pluck a hair out of my ear! I have become that anal!!

Lord help me when i hit my 40s!!

girl.imp said:

'There is nothing bad at Panera!'
Yes, we here at the playground frequent 'frou-frou' food establishments!
(Sorry Betty and Tony but the Col. Sanders is sometimes dead to the imps)

'I am stuffed, puffed aaaaand a little bit fluffed!'
(this statement was uttered upon g.imp's completion of Panera's Chicken Noodle Soup)

'Daddy what does gay mean?'

ummmm, folks I grew up in rural America. Yes, this means boots were not referred to as 'kicks'. They were 'Shit Kickers'. We had school uniforms; t-shirts, blue jeans, and the aforementioned 'kicks'.

So what I am saying is that my childhood was not in the most liberal area of the country when it came to social interaction. Mind you, we did not host Klan rallies but I was informed in high school that we were 45 minutes from a Klan branch. (loverly that)

So when girl.imp popped her question I first kicked myself because I was speaking about the development of a character of one of my stories (wife.imp wants me to have my Oprah Moment). I have been hung up on this character. He works in the oil field and is too one-dimensional. So I was thinking of introducing a gay character into this last bastion of the 'Man's Man' industry.

By the way, did anyone see Oprah on Friday? wife.imp was home sick, so Oprah was on the Educational Deathray. She took this trip with a friend and they were showing clips aaaaaand, except for the one State Highway Patrolman in Kentucky, BORING!!!

But the one thing that Oprah can do, even with the content of the clips having the ability to put an insomniac under, I stood in the doorway and watched 10 minutes of the show Because.She.Is.Oprah!

Back to the book: I decided not to make the character gay. I would probably fall back on the homophobic cliches because you tend to write what you have experienced and my experiences stem from this rural, conservative community. So, if one cannot be honest to the character, kill the character or change it. Since I have nothing without this character, we are stepping back to safer ground and will work on a different conflict to experience.

To answer girl.imp's question:
'gay means happy (re: spongebob happy).'
I went on to stress a person with an overall positive outlook on life. Ok, this will also conincide with the actual dictionary definition. Which means I wimped out. Life lesson avoided. Wait until she asks about drugs, sex and rock'n'roll!! (Lord help me if 'The Monthly Problem' crops up).

Dad of the Year? I somehow think the nominating committee will 'overlook' me in 2007.

oh, I probably also missed out on my 'Oprah Moment'.

Girl.Imp takes over todays blog!!!

Yeah Baby!!

Last Christmas, I got a Bratz doll. Her name was Pheobe but I didn't like that name. Instead I named her Sapphire. She is very pretty and her feet can come off.

Ummm, she has a little dot right beside her lips and it is a beauty mark (why do people call it beauty marks? Good grief!).

She has a pretty skirt and shirt. Her shirt has little sparkleys on it and her skirt, if you open the flaps like frills, under it is silk. :)

It's very, very silky.

She has pretty earrings. If you were her, I would buy you (only if you were a girl, because I have never had a boy Bratz doll)!!

bratz pic from : http://www.smh.com.au/ffxImage/urlpicture_id_1072308628117_2003/12/25/wld350_bratzline2612,0.jpg