New Year Redux

Last February there was one weekend when everyone was sick and piled one on top of another on the couch...

That weekend arrived this year this past weekend...

Snow, Ice, Snow, Vomit, Snow...

With the latest winter storm (we 'suffered' through 4+" of snow and about 1/4" ice) the schools finally closed, allowing dad.imp (me) to sleep in.  One would have thought everybody would be able to sleep in.

However, girl.imp found out almost all the Justice League videos can be accessed by computer and she gets up extra early to get a solid 2 hours in before anybody else is awake.

Boy.imp caught the boomarang sinus infection and is suffering that again, as well as vomiting multiple times during the night.  We probably would have missed this except for 2 things:

1) He was sleeping with his grandmother and she woke up the second time he threw up.

2) She woke up the 2nd time because his movements while cleaning up the mess (he confessed to having cleaned up from his earlier bout of vomiting) woke her up.

Upon learning my boy was sick, but willing to clean up after himself, I grunted my acknowledgement of the news and went back to sleep.  After all, I really was not needed was I?

Erectile Dysfunction?

so I was in to see the doc about my bronchitis and thought, 'hey, now is the time to get an informed, non-biased opinion on this matter'

because, after reading all you mommy blogs, I believe that if I would have brought this issue up to the wife the reaction would have been something like...

'What? More? You're not getting enough? Christ Almighty but if you pushed that thing at me even more than you do now, I swear I'll cut it off and feed it to the damn dog! Jeezus! If I had known you were like this before we got married I might have cut it off then!'

So, in the hopes of saving myself a tirade (at worst) or a headache or the EVER popular, 'hurry up and get it over with so I can sleep' sighs, I sought professional medical input.

Not that I'm admitting to any problem mind you. But when one has his butt probed by the man in the white coat, one's perception of his youth begins to waver somewhat. So with all the adds proclaiming how happy 'Bob' is (and be extension, Bob's wife), I wondered would it hurt to ask what the medical community thought of such remedies.

After I explained to the doc that my wife's sex drive was not the issue (yes, she immediately thought since I was asking she wasn't...) anyway, I also stressed I was not having any problems, but I was interested how one perceived an issue. At what line in the sand should a man stop and think, perhaps this is a real problem and not another means to pry more money out of my pocket?

Let's just say that the 30 minute explanation boiled down to Common Sense.

Yes, there is still a reliance on the good 'ole ability of Man (and this is all-inclusive statement for both sexes) to think rationally about an issue and derive a satisfactory and correct answer, without the need for introducing more pills/drugs into the body.

So ladies, if you man is still asking at inappropriate times and not performing at others, then you still might want to keep that 'pet' rabbit handy...

I'm All Poo'ed Out

I cannot remember the last time I had a nice, satisfying, solid poo. Ok, first let me say that after my computer crashed, the fam went to the Philippines. Today we returned. It's been almost two weeks and still no solid poo.

I do have to add that with almost 2 weeks of explosive, fluid draining poo, stomach cramps (turns out there was this infection thing going on in the lower abdomen) and liquid meals (with crackers), I have managed to not only reign in my expanding waistline, but to lose a large portion of it.

I believe it started at a beach. Actually it was a coral reef about an hour boat ride from a beach located in Bohol, to be precise. Not that the good folks at the resort have asked me for a precise accounting.

To be perfectly honest about the resort staff, I cannot point the 'Finger of Blame' at them, their food or anyone but me. The resort itself was located in a beautiful region and was very well managed.
If it were possible to describe the reddish-orange fires that bled softly across the horizons as the sun dipped 'into' the sea or the pinkish blossoms of fire that announced the imminent arrival of the Yellow Daystar, then I would try.

However lacking this ability to fuse memory with words, I will merely stress that this is a great resort!

(bear with this slight bend in the road)
I am not now, nor have I ever been, a fan of diet foods or food diets. I hunger, I eat. I do acknowledge (now) that a certain restraint in my diet should be executed. Since restraint was not know in my earlier dietary habits and excercise is such a slow way to go, I needed an edge--something that might give me a boost.

I might have mentioned Bohol is near this amazing reef. We went snorkling at this reef. This reef ends at a very steep precipice. There was an amazing abundance of life and color in and around this reef that bled out into a gray green over the precipice and just out of reach a Sea Turtle decided to cruise the area. It gracefully glided over the edge of the precipice for almost 20 minutes, just to prove that it could ignore us.

How cool is that!

'Ummm, dennis? The reef sounds interesting and so interesting we'd like to hire a boat (ask for the oweners of the John Michael) and visit the reef ourselves. But how does this magical interlude about heaven on Earth connect with Rizal's Revenge??

Rizal's Revenge, gentle readers? Do not tell me that you have never heard of Jose Rizal? In fact, I have so much respect for this man and what he accomplished that I withdrawel the moniker Rizal's Revenge in favor of TFMR (the Filipino Monezeuma's Revenge).

Yes, while snorkling I imbibed 1/2 a boatful of seawater and soon thereafter began suffering from what we hillbillies call 'The Green Apple Quickstep'.

Hemochromatosis is the most common form of iron overload disease. Primary hemochromatosis, also called hereditary hemochromatosis

I have primary hemochromatosis.

So, dennis, now that we know what you have, what does it do?

Hemochromatosis causes the body to absorb and store too much iron. Iron is an essential nutrient found in many foods. The greatest amount is found in red meat and iron-fortified breads and cereals. Healthy people usually absorb about 10 percent of the iron contained in the food they eat, which meets normal dietary requirements. People with hemochromatosis absorb up to 30 percent of iron. Over time, they absorb and retain between five to 20 times more iron than the body needs. Because the body has no natural way to rid itself of the excess iron, without treatment, the disease can cause the liver, heart, and pancreas to fail because iron is stored in body tissues, specifically the liver, heart, and pancreas.

Because this disease takes so long to kill someone (and left untreated you could live 30-50 years. Lucky fella!!) the list of symptoms includes a grab-bag of everything:

- Joint Pain
- Fatigue---------check! This is my major complaint. I have been known to fall asleep when put on hold while using the telephone. At one time I found it difficult to walk 5-10 minutes at a time in the middle of the day and still stay awake. I know it is time for treatment when my energy levels start to drop. Much like the past 2-3 days.
- lack of energy ---check! See fatigue
- abdominal pain
- loss of sex drive --- I would like to state here and now that I am as horny as I was at age 18!!
- heart problems
- memory loss/lack of focus --- check! I have sometimes finished a phone conversation with family members and called them back (minutes/hours) later to 'initiate' this very same conversation.

Complications that can arise if left untreated:
- arthritis
- liver disease, including an enlarged liver, cirrhosis, cancer, and liver failure
- damage to the pancreas, possibly causing diabetes
- heart abnormalities, such as irregular heart rhythms or congestive heart failure
- impotence
- early menopause
- abnormal pigmentation of the skin, making it look gray or bronze
- thyroid deficiency
- damage to the adrenal glands

There are two MAJOR blessings that come with this disease
1) It practically takes a lifetime to kill you
2) Treatments. Treatments are easy, once diagnosed. Regular phlebotomies (sp?) will reduce iron in the body and improve chances for a healthier, happier, longer life.

So how does one contract this disease? Happily it is not contagious. Nope, you can swap spit and various other bodily fluids with anyone suffering from this disease and fear nothing.
This disease is genetic. And it is everywhere:

Hereditary hemochromatosis is one of the most common genetic disorders in the United States. It most often affects Caucasians of Northern European descent, although other ethnic groups are also affected. About five people out of 1,000—0.5 percent—of the U.S. Caucasian population carry two copies of the hemochromatosis gene and are susceptible to developing the disease. One out of every 8 to 12 people is a carrier of one abnormal gene.

Sleeping through my errands and Target the new Port-o-Let of Parents with toddler imps?

How can one ascertain 100 percent that something is not quite well? Let's say that if you fall asleep at the wheel (while parked) in line at a 'quickie' oil change facility. Yes friends that was me yesterday. However the kind employees of said facility allowed my nap to stretch to 10 minutes.

(they apparantly took bets on how long I would actually sleep but when I stayed asleep it was decided that they needed to actually do some work, so someone had to tap on the window to wake me up)


Did you know Target is a cure-all to constipation? Wife.Imp noticed. No, she was not the one in need.

Boy.imp is the recipient of the newly-discovered, curative powers of Target. It seems no matter the day, time of day, or even if he just had his diapers changed. He will fill them 'to the brim' when shopping at Target.

Of course this also could mean that somehow Target has affected his psyche and now just being in the store literally scares the crap out of b.imp..?

"...Today Was My Most Awfulest Day In School Ever...!!!!"

This is the cry I got after getting the imps home after school.

By the way, last week girl.imp had strep, today boy.imp was diagnosed with MAJOR sinus infections and my eyes have been itching and my throat is sore...

I say this because both imps are cranky and not 10 minutes after getting home I hear boy.imp wailing.

It seems g.imp lost her temper and 'squeezed' b.imp's back. So daddy leaps into action and wheedles the info then 'equally' punishes everyone in the room.

More wailing, gnashing of teeth, rending of clothing then IT happens.

What is IT?

Gym Class!

It was the bane of my youth. Really dennis? But..

Well, for 3 months of the year it was the bane of my youth. Our gym teach was also the wrestling coach. I love sports! I do not love wrestling. Never have. Never will.

For three months of the year, in gym, we wrestled. I just stopped dressing. No doctor's note. No parents note. No gym clothes. Upon being threatened with failing gym, I went home and informed my mom that I might fail and explained. She allowed me to have my way, 'as long as I truly understood the ramifications of my actions.'

Back to g.imp. She.Hates.Gym. She.Hates.Rrunning.Sweating.Sports-In-General. Today was even worse because the 'better' students were pushing her in line and running her down (but not loud enough for the teacher to hear).

After this confession (and the fact that the gym teacher witnessed nothing), I comforted her.

me: hey, as long as you are trying then you tell them that you are doing your best and to leave you alone. if they don't like it, tell them they are the ones who should leave the line.
g.imp: but they might tell 'blind-as-a-bat-and-deaf-as-a-knob' teacher! and then she'll call you!!
me: Great! I want her to call me! If you tried to do your best and your classmates harrassed you and then your teacher wants to call me?? I'll go to school that day (or if I am too far away the next day)!!

And I'll bring wife.imp's Dalek with me! I'll go through the halls to confront this teacher while the Dalek screams, 'Exterminate! Exterminate! Exterminate!'

Yes, I grew up in redneck kuntry. And be damned if I'll not use every tool to hand ifn' I hafta go to bat for my young'uns!!

mess with imps and you'll get 100% of me in your face!


(curiously, as I type this I told b.imp to clean up the mess of crayons on my floor, instead of picking up his crayons (and boy.imp is freakishly neat) he is opting to strip all the paper off of each one then he throws everything away)

Dad Mourns not Having the Hernia, Lenten Sacrifices, Boy.Imp's Nature Phobia

I was sitting on the 'Thinking Throne' earlier this a.m. and felt a sharp pain in my groin when I went to stand up and make myself presentable for public viewing. That I might have a hernia was the first thought. How did I get said hernia was thought two (blogging to the world about it and when it was 'discovered' was thought three. I know. I know. Blogging about it should have been thought one!)

So how does one probe the tender area and describe it in a way that is not pornographic? I can't. So let's move on to possible causes.
1)I worked too hard while reclining on the Thinking Throne
2)I really earned my keep last night after the imps were asleep

I would feel the need to give an opinion on these options but as I sit here typing all pain is gone. Much like calling the repair man to fix a 'broken' appliance, everything is in working order when you invite 'public' scrutiny.

So is it wrong to be sad about missing out on having a hernia? Think of the possibilities, the stories I could associate with how I was 'injured'! It could have been a Sports Hernia! I could have been injured in a real manly, sports-related activity. Like backyard football, basketball at the Y, Caber Tossing, perhaps I slipped a little on the Rock Climbing Wall..?

Anyway Lent is here. While driving girl.imp to school, I discussed the need to sacrifice (give up something she enjoys). I suggested candy and/or sweets. She suggested:

• Television: I gave it the nanosecond of thought that it deserved. I do not believe that she could truly give t.v. up for one day, much less 40 days. And I cannot remember a passage in the Bible that tells us Torture is valid and enviable part of the Sacrifice.
• Karaoke: I reminded her that this was something that would be a sacrifice for her to give up. Not using the Karaoke machine for 40 days (her current time schedule of use anyway) did not quite make the grade.
• Reading: Ok, this she could have done and packed in more t.v. into the gap in her daily activities However, I am not willing to make that sacrifice for her.
• Talking: I believe that a related topic (not talking to your parents) will be visited upon this household in the near future (re: Tween through Teen years) so I roundly vetoed this option.

I think (but am not positive) we settled on no candy.

So boy.imp was whining and complaining when I got home. This sounds so tame--whining and complaining. For those of you without children, think of the noise, the aggrevation level as the noise of a jet engine just before takeoff. The slow build-up of the whine of the motors until they reach that roaring scream as the plane is flung skyward.

Now take that sound, the soundwaves and loop them continuously on a sub-harmonic level starting at the base of your spine and rolling upward until it leaks out of your mouth:

imps: whine.whine.whinecomplain.Whine.COMplain.WHINE.WHINE.COMPLAIN.COMPLAIN.WHINE.COMPLAIN.WHINEWHINEWHINE
Parents: what dear? I'm sorry..? What did you say? I can't hear...Listen, I cannot.understand.what.you.are.saying.when.you.whine.like.that! What? I.CANNOT...OH.FOR.CRYING.OUT.LOUD!! WHAT.IS.WRONG.WITH.YOU????

Today I walked in somewhere between, 'What did you say?' and 'OH.FOR.CRYING.OUT.LOUD!!'

Turns out there was a bug on the wall that was freaking boy.imp out...

Is it proper to 'cheer' the 'death' of daddy's baby? or should we call it the benefits of a Treadmill!!

10:30 p.m. Wednesday

Upon arrival to home from a day of touring Ohio, boy.imp called me to his room.

b.imp: goodnight daddy

(hugs & kisses)

b.imp: daddy your baby is dead.
me: my what?
b.imp: (pointing at my stomach) your baby is dead!

woohoo, I am actually doing some good with the excercises!!!

Yea, me!!

You realize that you are still a parent when the biggest proclamation of the night is not 'OSU 42 - the men with the Ugly hats 39'

Yes, the Buckeyes (coincedentally our alma mater) is one win away from regaining the national title.

We beat UofM!

We have the potential Heisman winner as quarterback for our team!

One would think that I would be deliriously happy right now. However, boy.imp managed to Harsh my High:

Picture the Scene: On t.v. is the subway commercial where the 'Thin Jared' is wrestling the 'Fat Jared'. boy.imp wanders into the room (filled with my relatives and friends of the family))

boy.imp: It's Daddy!! (pointing at the 'Fat Jared' who is being tossed out of the wrestling ring)

Happy Holidays!

While you are eating your pumpkin pies, pumpkin rolls, and other assorted goodies, please feel free to spare a kind thought for me and my celery and rice cakes...

photo from website: http://pictures.aol.com/galleries/chrisstolfi/b8b0VOvObzhYZ0HA*N5MLy3wo5CvLBPkQJKov4xQp5Fd3Ig=/large/membertag/ohio%20state

Out of the Mouths of Imps

girl.imp: Daddy?
me: hmmm
girl.imp: Daddy, you need to excercise
me: (what??) I do?
girl.imp: yes, you do.
me: why?
girl.imp: because you are starting to look like grandpa!
me: Oh, in what way?
girl.imp: in the belly! You really need to get on the treadmill. You have not been on it in ages.
me: well, I hurt my foot...
girl.imp: but you really really need to start using it again...

Now that I am thoroughly depressed....Bring on the Holidays!!



picture borrowed from The Santa Claus Magic Picture Photo Album (http://www.emailsanta.com/santa_photos-vacation.asp)

Back to the NORMAL weekend ROUTINE here at the Playground

Friday:
I went jogging (outside not on my treadmill).

Saturday:
Following the sage advice posted in every restaurant restroom from the East Coast to the Left Coast after I visited the Comfort Room, I started to wash my hands.

(However there is nothing shocking here folks. I have been following this routine since I was younger than my own imps. No, it was right around this time that I truly found myself facing the differences between how men and women think.)

I found that we were out of liquid soap. I would have utilized the bar soap in the shower but wife.imp was in the midst of preparing to use said facilities and I did not want to 'get in her way'. So I assessed the situation and determined that exiting the would be preferable to holding up her morning ablutions. Instead, I decided to venture into the kitchen to wash my hands. (see a problem fix a problem)

wife.imp: where are you going? the soap dispenser is full.
me: it is? i thought it was empty
wife.imp: it was but I filled it up earlier this morning...you weren't going to wash your hands because it was empty, were you?
me: uhmm
wife.imp: didn't you think to fill it up? (she then pats me on the shoulder and ushers me out of the room -after I had finished washing- as if to say 'you poor deluded fool! on what street corner would you be living if we were not married -- she saw a problem and married him. She is still in the process of fixing said problem...)

Saturday Afternoon:
I tried to walk up stairs and found out how difficult that little exercise is when you have no stability in your thighs.
Approx. 5 minutes later I found out how much more difficult that maneuver is going down.

I learned to hate my house as every activity (except sitting on the sofa watching football) meant going either up or down the stairs!

wife.imp reiterated how much she 'dislikes' the current length of my burnished, copper locks!

Sunday:
I and the imps spent the afternoon at my parent's house because wife.imp attended the bridal shower of my sister. Much fun was had. Men do not bother asking...your wives might actually tell you (when women play games with their undergarments and you are not involved...do you really need the details?)

My mom and wife.imp came home and discussed (while standing next to me) how great my sister's hair looked. the color of her dress and how mom is sewing on beads, something about other women's clothing...blah blah blah mom: ...so would anybody care for a cup of coffee?
me: (jumping to my feet and almost overturning my chair) I do! Anything to escape the cloud of estrogen that is currently draining the testosterone from my body...
mom: (grumbles something I did not quite catch)
wife.imp: (laughs) reiterates how much she 'dislikes' the current length of my burnished, copper locks!

Sunday night: On the way home, I pop in a cd from one of my books on tape. within minutes girl.imp falls asleep, wife.imp falls asleep. boy.imp sings songs to himself.

a few minutes later:
boy.imp: mommy? ... mommy?? ... MOMMY? MOMMY?
me: mommy is asleep right now.
boy.imp: mommy? are you asleep? mommy? MOMMY?
me: Yes! mommy is asleep?
boy.imp: 'g.imp'? 'g.imp'? daddy, is g.imp asleep?
me: yes, g.imp is asleep.
boy.imp: daddy? can I go to sleep now?

daddy is running a fever today

girl.imp said her prayers for bed:

...and help make daddy feel better tonight..."

me: I can't give you a hug and kiss because I don't want to get you sick too.
g.imp: that's ok daddy. You can touch my shoulder instead.
me: ok (touching shoulder). Love you.
g.imp: goodnight daddy (hugging shoulder)

I feel better already!