Easter Egg Decorating

The Advertisement Said It Could be Built in 21/2 Hours

What it actually meant was unless you had an experienced crew of eight, then it really would take 21/2 days to construct the 10x8 shed.

Tonight we have everthing but the trim pieces installed and during this experience I have developed an increased appreciation of the pain women talk about when describing childbirth. Now before anybody starts thinking I am as handy with tools as Tim Taylor, let me say that I had lots of help from my wife, my dad and my nephew.

However when it came to finishing installing the shingles along the upper regions of the shed's roof, I was alone with the hammer (ok, wife.imp stood on the ladder passing up tools etc...). After spending over two hours on the peak of the roof with said peak trying, with amazing success, to split me in twain, I have to wonder how I ever thought Snoopy looked comfy whilst he was sleeping on the top of that doghouse.

Anyway, I absolutely have no problems with any woman saying you have not felt real pain until you have pushed an 8-10 pound bowling ball from between your legs. Because after this afternoon's/evening's task during which, I swear this is true, an 800 lb. building tried to force its way into my ass in some birthing horror story gone awry, I am sitting here more than two hours removed from climbing down off of the roof and can still feel the burning touch of the tile's gravelly surface!

Call me 'olde fashioned'

...but we did not do the HP Nativity scene. I just could not picture placing a baby Harry in his crib with a menacing Lord Voldemorte hovering over him about to cast the Killing Curse under the Christmas tree next to baby Jesus, Mary and Joseph...

So what did happen on Christmas? Let's just say that Santa nearly missed our house because the imps were up until well after midnight..!!!

What did Santa eventually bring the imps?

boy.imp got a brand new Bicycle!!
girl.imp (who hates the idea of 2-wheeled transportation) got a brand new Trikke!! (So did Dennis)

However the best Christmas in Ohio was not celebrated by the Imps. No it was reported in the Columbus Dispatch and desribed how Gunnery Sgt. Shawn Delgado of the 3rd Battalion, 25th Marines of Lima Company spent over $4,000 of his own money (re: Credit Card purchases) to ensure that children who otherwise would have been berift of any Christmas cheer would have happy memories...

Despite what we've read about abuses in the military in recent years, I can only hope that quality men and women (like Gunnery Sgt. Shawn Delgado) continue to volunteer for military service.

I also hope that I might learn to keep track of my keys. Yes gentle readers, last night, while parked in my parents' driveway (with a house full of relatives) I locked my keys in my car, with the engine running. What happened to the spare set? They were locked in the back of the car.

Here is the conversation that made all this possible:
me: hey (wife.imp), do you still have the extra set of car keys?
wife.imp: ummm, yes.

Perrrrrfect! With the spare keys safely in wife.imp's pockets, I proceeded to load the car with all the imp's gifts, our stuff and the leftovers we were taking home from the Christmas feast (there was a snafu on the food bit tho'). I then started the car and locked the doors (knowing the spare key was safely in wife.imp's hands and not wanting to tempt the stray deer or migratory birds that might be wandering near the parents' driveway) and went happily inside to monitor the imps as they prepared to go home.

At the appointed time (that moment where the chaos drops and the imps are most mallable to the idea of leaving) I asked wife.imp for the spare keys.

wife.imp: they're in the black bag
me: They're where?
w.imp: in the black bag by the piano.
me: umm, it's not by the piano...
w.imp: yes it is. It's right over there by the piano.
me: no it's not. It's in the back of the car
w.imp: no, it's not
me: yes it is
w.imp: why is in the car? I told you the car did not need to be warmed up...
me: you told me you had the keys...
w.imp: I did, in the black bag.
me: you did not say anything about a black bag when I asked you if you had the keys.
w.imp: that was a general question...
me: no, I was quite specific, "Do you have the keys?" Specific. (leaning over and checking the front of her pants) Hey, what's this?"
w.imp: I don't keep keys in my pockets. It's uncomfortable."
My.Sister: Yes, they are uncomfortable. They're always poking your legs."
me: (ignoring my helpful sister) You did not mention the black bag...

anyway, despite all my wriggling and attempting to lesson the blame (or at least spread it far and wide, the fact remains that I did leave my keys in the ignition with the car running with the doors locked in a rural community where the likelihood of theft remains at a remarkably small percentage...

Happy Holidays!

'Do Me Daddy...Do me daddy...Do me too daddy'...and Road Rage Trumps Christmas Spirit

Yes, the imps were lying on the futon with me and shouting and laughing and demanding more.

More!

More of my bare feet being held in front of their noses!!

Why? I do not know, but as long as they are entertained...

*****
Is it Road Rage when Wife.Imp gets frustrated in holiday traffic??

Wife.imp had some free time last Friday and was going to a lunch with friends and asked me if I would like to go with. I noticed a few things on that drive.

1- wife.imp is an aggressive driver
2- she has little patience with hesitant drivers
3- she has even less patience with drivers more aggressive than she is
4- I find myself saying (a lot), 'I'm going to blog about this.'

In w.imp's defense, there were several very, very angry (re: bad scary) drivers on the roads. However there were two statements she made that make our cut:

'It's like they have Nov. 1 attitudes one week before Christmas...'
'Geez, the rednecks from up north (re: Delaware, Morrow and Knox Counties) have flocked to the malls today. That'll teach me to go shopping on a Friday during the holiday season.'

christmas thoughts

We went to wife.imp's office Christmas extravaganza last Sunday and included in all the festivities was a 'Face Painting' booth. Knowing it is Christmas and all the helpers/painters had christmassy things painted on their faces and Santa sat not 100 feet away talking to other imps, Boy.Imp had to have the 'Black Spiderman' mask.

Thank you. We do try.

*****

Girl.Imp has a life-like baby doll (a link to a similar baby doll is below) that was lying facedown on the floor. Wife.Imp was creeped out by the baby doll's position because, 'I know it is not real, but it could smother itself to death lying facedown like that on the floor!'

http://www.doddiesdolls.com/Merchant2/merchant.mvc?Screen=PROD&Store_Code=DDAC&Product_Code=1489&Category_Code=MNBW

*****

We have been invaded by a mouse (or a gang of mice) and it is currently living (dying?) in my downstairs closet.

We know it is there because it toured our family room one night (eluding capture) and ran under the stairs into our closet. I have blocked up the entrance and placed LARGE gluetraps with poison in said closet.

I have to admit to being a tad worried because the poison is being consumed and the glue traps are aparantly being used for a cardio workout. In fact, when the mouse/mice are not excercising in the glue, they are eating the plastic container.

I know, I know, poisoning the mice is not eco-friendly, Dennis. I have to admit that no, it is not. Neither am I Al Gore.

I have nothing against nature and with preserving it (outside of my house). Once nature moves in (apparantly with the idea of said move being rent free) I tend to get a little antsy. No, I can get dirty with the best of people, after all I did spend several years camping practically every weekend with the Boy Scouts.

I do have to admit that while the Boy Scouts taught me many valuable lessons there were some things that I learned that were not usable- I should mention that Al Gore was not known nationally and that my biggest influences were standing shoulder to shoulder with me doing things like:

* Melting plastic milk containers over an open flame (global warming was not a serious issue at this time) to see the pretty colors (ok and poisonous colors)

* Dropping tents on rival scout troops and then using the tent poles to beat whatever moved into submission

* Camping with the public and hitting (in retrospect being bloody obvious about this) on both sisters of the family that agreed to share their dinner with you

Although I have to admit that my social skills were honed by learning what not to say:

*(I might not have done so at the time but I would like to offer my apologies to the lady ranger who was present during this exchange)--I was with a group of scouts in Philmont, NM where we were engaged in a ribald conversation about breakdance moves that should not be tried when I piped in with (and I must add that knowing the boundaries of what is acceptable and what should not be uttered was highlighted here): "...Yeah, and nobody should try doing the Worm downhill with a hardon..."

Thing is, if I had uttered that sentence 10 minutes before or after that moment, nothing but laughter would have ensued.

This leads me to the comment that my mom made once, before I left scouting: "I am sure you have noticed that none of the parents around town have let their kids join the scouts for a couple of years haven't you?"

Actually no. I had not noticed. I was having too good a time to realize how out of control we actually were. But the bar had been set pretty high, we were accostomed to playing kinda rough (we once played tackle football - Australian 'rules' style- with a troop from the Cleveland area whose members were 2-3 years older, 20-40 pounds heavier and 3-4 inches taller and I hit (re: tackled) everyone of them so often (they did not acutally have to be carrying the ball--just being near it worked for me) that they eventually asked if we could call it a draw. I was about 5'8" and a solid 135lbs at the time. I was also addicted to pain. I would get into fights just to get that rush and being smallish and fast I just loved football.)

However, as rough as we played, we also took immense pride in being the best troop there as far as skills went. In head-to-head competitions, we rarely if ever came in lower than 2nd and usually ended up 1st. So I was literally surprised when mom informed me that parents were not allowing their kids to join.

So where was I? Oh! The mouse/mice. I believe the point I wanted to make was that as long as nature stays outside of my house, I am content to not mess with it. But when it moves in, I will do what is necessary to beat it into submission and evict it...That is, unless it eats the posion and glue traps and then keeps coming back for more.

Then I will just lock the doors and avoid going near that part of the house again.

Since Halloween...

Our neighbor purchased a Nurse outfit for his daughter. A real bargain at $2.99. However he neglected to read the clipboard part of the outfit.

suffice to say, he is no longer allowed to shop for costumes for his daughter...

I was listening to the 'Capitol Steps' while doling out the candy. I did not really hear the innuendo in the lyrics, until a couple 4-year-olds ran up with thier parents.

***
The imps have been running around the house challenging our authority. At various times the following can be heard throughout the Playground:

'Do you want a piece of me, Old Man' or 'Do you want a piece of me, Old Woman'

Girl.imp tried to throwdown with wife.imp on Saturday and got her butt kicked!!!

***
I was at work on Saturday (and missed the OSU - Wisconsin game--which sucked because it was a good win) and was kicked off of somebody's property. This is not too bad as it occassionally happens that some landowners do not appreciate the Oil and Gas business. However this guy wanted to vent at 'The Man' and Saturday I played the role. So after he vented he had this real exaggerated finger-snap, pointing thing going on as he told me where my car was (we were standing right next to it) and bid me 'good day'.

I had to admit, I just made his day.

It is Time to Draw the Line in the Sand...

In a post Valentines Day euphoria, I stumbled across an image on the internet that froze soul, made my blood boil, caused me to question Man's future--No, Man's ability to produce Testosterone!

Is nothing for us men sacred?
1- farting in public is bad
2 - We cannot pick our noses (in public or private...)
3 - It is frowned on to pick our underwear out of those uncomfortable places it sometimes wanders into...
4 - Drinking and Driving? Gone
5 - Smoking? Gone
6 - Sports? Action-Drama Movies? Strippers? Gone. Gone. Gone.

Arranging the Comfort Room so that it is a Room of Comfort?
7 - Leaving the two footprints strategically placed on the floor of the shower to provide the optimum in both cleanliness and relaxation?
8 - Leaving that half-circle on the mirror that you wiped the mist off of (really the only part of the mirror that you use anyway)?
9 - Leaving the toilet paper stacked on the back of the toilet for ease of use?
gone. gone and gone.

10 - Your den? Now it's either a storage closet or a playroom.
11 - King of the Castle? Try the bastard-half son of the basement (or if you are really really lucky the garage).
12 - Captain of the Grill? Not likely! Possibly Cabin Boy of the Marinade...
13 - Masturbating? (Think this was under lucky 13 by accident?) Guess who ended up with the better toys? (ahem--Tupperware)


However, we put up with this constant stream of losses because we knew that no matter how many times we heard women proclaim: "We can do anything you men can do, but we can do it even better!" We knew that there was still one area that we reigned supreme. Even if we were occassionally messy, it was still our supreme mess.


Yes, until recently, Men were the BEST at standing up and peeing!! And could we keep this little corner of our world all to ourselves? Would this be the one, unapproachable, unerodable area left for Men to be Men???

Thanks to P-Mate we do not even have that small comfort:

image from: http://www.p-mate.com/eng/product.html

Wife.Imp is currently checking 3 local news channels and 1 state news channel and 1 national news channels...

NBC, ABC, CBS, ONN and CNN have increased their ratings as wife.imp refuses take any weather forcast at its, individual, word.

She has spent the last 2 (3?) hours flipping from one forecast to another. I cannot tell but she seems more annoyed that they are stating the same thing. If one, just one forecast allowed for no snow and half-way decent road conditions, she would have been out of here!!

girl.imp is out of school for the 2nd day this week. I believe we will stop buying her lunches, as every day this month that she marked to purchase lunch, we have had severe winter weather!! However, she is not claiming to be our teacher and is prodding me to do a vocabulary assignment!

boy.imp has his trucks so no new news there...

Oh, happy Valentines Day :)

There was a time when cutting down the Christmas Tree was the highlight of the holiday season...

Every year (after Thanksgiving or my birthday, whichever came last) I would look forward to driving out to the 'ole tree farm, trudging across miles of fields full of trees searching for that perfect tree. There were so many choices, short and fat, tall and lean, long-needled, short-needled, trees with 'holes' in them that could be turned to the corner and hidden under ornaments...

Yes, cutting down the real tree and carrying it, regardless of the cold, the pine needles that worked their way under your coat and shirt collar, and coating your hands in pine sap...Yes, this was Christmas!

Then approx 5 years ago, our tree died.

What you say? The trees will die anyway? That is what happens when you cut them off from the support system of their roots?

Ok. I accept that fact. The tree was supposed to die.


and...IT.DID.

One week before Christmas the tree gave up the ghost and all of its needles.

EVERY.SINGLE.NEEDLE.

So on the last trash pick-up day before Christmas, ours was the only house that had a dead, brown, needless tree at the curb waiting for pickup and a new, dead, green, plastic tree up and decorated (and I got it 1/2 priced too!!)

So this year I wormed into the crawlspace and hauled the Christmas Tree upstairs for assembly.








Yes, we are officially in Christmas mode here at the Playground!!

My Apologies to Radioactive Girl. The Picture of the Turkey was Great! The Bird looked perfect! Well almost perfect, since it had a name and all...

I felt it needed a personality...