Sunday, July 30, 2006

Can you guess what I cannot find anymore?

Fresh Fruit!!

I realize that fruit is seasonal. But would it really kill stores to implement some kind of quality control when stocking the fruit in their displays. I am not asking for much. I do not need anything cutting edge. But for the love of Pete! Please implement something that can be trusted--like visual inspections! You know, actually looking at what is being placed on the shelves to verify that the fruit is not packed in hairy molds.

For the past two weeks I have been forced to reconsider my fresh fruit fetish and have even settled for eating (to put the best possible spin on the matter) 'mature' fruit. While I have enjoyed eating certain fungi, I do draw the line at molds.

In my despair I even tried eating canned (sic: soggy) fruits or (gasp) frozen fruit. Yes sir! There is nothing like starting the morning off with the taste of freezer burnt produce to complement that freeze-dried coffee.

So with the dawn of a new week, I will regroup and with new hope venture forth in my quest to find fresh fruit (or even edible fruit).

Saturday, July 29, 2006

Did I just get booted off of my high school reunion planning committee?

In reading posts concerning class reunions, it has become clear that the At-Home dads seem to be in the majority of those who favor prospect of spending an evening trapped in an elevator with the MIL with no air conditioning more so than the prospect then spending a few hours with old, high school classmates.

I am among the minority in this issue. While I have considered boycotting my reunions, I have diligently gone to every one but not because of any overwhelming desire to have fun. It's more like I will not let those rat bastards who made high school years among the least fun in my life classmates I was not friends with keep me from attending. Let's call this Spite.

In my family I am the 2nd of 3 boys of whom the eldest seems to enjoy attending his reunions, therefore we will not be focusing on him.

Our youngest brother's (OYB) viewpoint concerning reunions not so accommodating. Looking back when dad told OYB that the high school years were supposed to be the best years of his life, I am surprised there was not a murder, suicide or a murder-suicide. I believe the last invitation OYB received was returned with a two word response. The words were a Verb and a Preposition suggesting what in another context might be an enjoyable activity.

My guess is that OYB will not be asked to be on the next reunion's planning committee.

As you might have already guessed, I also was not among the 'Heathers' select group. I also did not hang out with the jocks, the preppies, the punk rockers (whom later became the skaters), the band, orchestra, choir, geeks, or druggies.

On a side note the druggies once asked me when I quit using. They told me I exhibited all the classic signs...and they were the experts. I would like to state here and now, I never used then or now. Scout's honor.

The reason for this post? None really. I am home, it is late and I just read an old email I sent to our reunion organizer. It was sent in response to her asking if I would not mind being part of the planning committee. Moi?

So I accepted...however I did not want to come to the table empty-handed. This is where I think I made my mistake. This girl lives in New Jersey and comes back to Ohio for every reunion and I have to say that for the most part they have been pretty damn lame (she organized only the 15-year reunion).

The 5 year: was located in the 'party room' of a tiny diner. One can imagine the size of the 'party room'...My bathroom is bigger than the dance floor. We also had a buffet of cold cuts! I am not shitting you. The food served at our high school reunion was a buffet table full of cold cuts! I mean possibly for $5 more we could have gotten a bucket from the Colonel!

The 10 year: Two words: Moose Lodge!

You know folks, I know I grew up in the Appalachian foothills where shit-kicking foot gear was actually used to walk through .... on the farms. Therefore, I honestly did not have high expectations. But cold cuts and the f-ing moose lodge!!?? Why not set up a still so we can drink corn squeezin's and have square dancing all around??

Year 15: This was nice...real hot food! Nice dance floor, tables with real linen with actual china!

However it did cost more than $10 per person...

Back to my mistake. When I agreed to be part of the planning, was it wrong to point out how people recently told me that they felt the 3rd reunion was too expensive?
(I did go to great lengths to explain that I did enjoy the 3rd reunion and wanted nothing less than to repeat the location or something comparable)

Regardless, I have not heard word one. Do you think I went too far too soon? Am I still on the committee? Not that being off the committee is really such a big loss...I mean worse comes to worse, we know where to go for lunch meat...

Friday, July 28, 2006

Wunder Kids

We have been concerned for some time about just how smart g.imp is. My belief is that once she hits her stride in school she will move ahead a grade or two. How do I know this?

Before she hit Kindergarten, I had her reading and doing math at a second grade level and I did not have to force her to do the exercises!

So today g.imp is working through her math:

g.imp: mommy how old will I be in 50 years

w.imp: how old are you now
g.imp: 6
w.imp: so if you add 50 years how old will you be
g.imp: I don't know 60 (this would by the red-neck side of g.imp's family asserting itself)
me: what is 6 numbers higher than 50
g.imp: let me see...51, 52, 53, 54, 55, 56--I'll be 56!
me: good job (so if g.imp did not retain the Asian gene for advanced math, where did it go?)
b.imp: in 50 years I'll be 52. (ahhh, there they are!)

Thursday, July 27, 2006

Ahh the Benefits of a Well-thought and Well-Reasoned, Thoroughly-Practical Grounding

I had this big boring blog about being an introvert and books and references to Paris Hilton, Sandra Bullock and nude scenes...

But the imps have intruded into my thoughts, much like my reading time (a post for later).

Benefit 1: It seems that g.imp has finished her Beverly Quimby book and nearly completed one of the Harry Potters. Now one might think a 6-year-old is breezing through these books looking for pictures. However, g.imp takes what she reads seriously.

She has already commented on the differences she found betwixt the text and the film. She questions how names are pronounced and why this character is bad/good.

Now that she has embarked on this journey, I cannot wait to introduce her to Tolkein's LOTR series and 'the Hobbit', ER Eddison's 'Worm Ouroboros', Ray Bradbury's books, Alex Haley's 'Roots', Zane Grey, Tony Hillerman, the original Dragonlance Series, Larry Niven's 'Ringworld', Frank Herbert's 'Dune' series...

Benefit 2: G.imp has improved her negotiating skills.

Just the other day she commented on how impressed she is with my decision making skills. Yes, g.imp feels that my '1 week' without t.v. was ...well...perhaps a tad hasty. So she requested that in future I consider limiting, not her t.v. time, but her t.v. viewing options.

g.imp: Dad? Next time instead of saying 'no t.v. for a week' why can't you say no cartoons or, I know! Why can't we watch 'The Discovery Channel'? That's educational! You can let us watch and we'll learn something!

I am fully aware of what happens when the inmates start running the asylum. However, it is really really hard to argue against her logic. We also have NGEO, History, and the Food Network.

I almost agreed with her on the spot! Then I realized that she did say 'the next time'. That really does imply what I think it does, right?

p.s. In the realm of Arts and Entertainment, I went to bed at midnight after watching the 1st 1/2 hour of the Def Leppard movie. The wife imp just 'reamed' me for:
a- turning it on at midnight and leaving her alone to watch it
b- the fact that she could not just turn it off. She was 'invested' in it even though it was predictable and bland
c- sleeping while she tossed and turned because she stayed up too late watching a movie she never in a million years would have watched on her own.

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Remember when punishment was not a weekend at the spa?

Do you remember when you quaked at the sight of mom and/or dad coming to 'lay down the law' and/or voicing the following, 'You are grounded!'
I can remember times when those words alternately sent me into fits of rage and frustration and fear. Fear that my friends would forget about me and become strangers when I emerged from my enforced imprisonment. I remember screaming (in my thoughts only) 'I hate you!' or 'I wish you were dead' or the ever popular 'I wish I had different parents!'

Yes, those were the good 'ole days...

Today's imps (specifically mine) seem to be made of sterner stock.

When g.imp was 2 or 3 and refused to clean up her toys, the wife imp and I cleaned her out. Black plastic bags filled never to be seen again! We anticipated wailing, the frantic search of the house, begging for her toys back...and we were right--for the first week couple of days few hours 15 minutes anyway.

Not once in the past 3-4 years has she ever asked to have her toys back. Not f-ing once!! (Notice the disappointment here? Is it bad of me to feel let down when the desired reaction from the imps does not materialize? Am I a horrible father for wanting them to feel bad?)

Other attempts at punishments also seemed to be equally humorous to our imps:

-Early bedtimes: Hey, more time to read (g.imp is currently reading 2 Harry Potter and 1 Beverly Quimby books).

No t.v. for a week: Not even missed. As a matter-of-fact, g.imp will stand at the top of the stairs and announce:
'Ok, turn the t.v. off, I am coming downstairs now!'
(baseball has now be grandfathered in as acceptable t.v. time during this period of duress)

No playing with her best friend: Hey dad, can we call 'classmate imp' and schedule a play date? or 'Can I call grandpa?' or b.imp and imp huddle together and sing, dance and, when I am not in the room, I can feel them plotting together like French underground freedom-fighters to turn their punishment into revenge!

It is only two more days until the imps can once more be turned loose on society and I can already hear the faint strains of 'Le Marseillaise'.

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

One would think I could learn...

Things that I really need to learn as an At Home Dad:

1- Remember that b.imp is still in his diapers.
I decided that we would not hang out in the 'ole homestead today. Being as warm and sunny as we have not seen in recent memory, I thought it would be nice to take the imps out. Go to the library, do some shopping, perhaps go to a park.

We made it to the library and g.imp noticed 'Story Time' was in full swing. We had no schedule to keep so we slipped in to listen. Three things were very, big-pimpl'ishy obvious:
1- There was only one other man (with child) in the room.
2- Most of the mommies came in pairs (even to Story Time at the local library? I really need to make more friends)
3- Every other parent in the room had a diaper bag! At first, the fact I clued in on this confused me. I have a diaper bag too. In fact, we have two of them. The backpack diaper bag is in b.imp's room. The other bag...was not in my hands and as I thought back not in the car either!
No, I left the bag on our dining room table. So it was a short stop at the library and then back home and instead of the park we decided to go watch our babysitter who was finishing up her last day at Cheer Camp. Yes, g.imp really, really wants to be a cheerleader (thank you Kim Possible)!

2- When taking an afternoon trip, remember that the imps will tend to nap.
Yes, once more we reached our afternoon destination only to find that the imps were snoring away in the back seat. I tried everything; clapping my hands, slapping their legs/tapping their cheeks (wouldn't do to have someone passing the car and 'seeing' me 'beating my kids senseless' in the parking garage!).

Of course just about the time I give up, the imps wake up and we really do have to make the trek from the car to the cheer site.

3 - When on an afternoon outing, Snacks are somewhat necessary
Skipping forward past many boring events we arrived at cheer camp and watched as the cheer teams strutted their stuff. First I want to apologize to anyone who was ever a cheerleader or ever dated a cheerleader.

But how many times can someone be expected to watch the same routines without their brain hemorrhaging in self-defense? The back flips and back somersaults--nice athletic moves. However they could not hide the fact that every single school (some with as many as three teams) gave the same, exact cheer! We made it for almost 45 minutes, saw our babysitter's cheer teams (they must have done something special because their ovations were LOUD) and then left.

4- Do I trust or Do I not trust what the imps tell me?
On the way home the imps were begging for something to eat and to be fair it was after 5 p.m. So I promised them milk shakes if they promised to eat their dinner. Everyone was happy.

Until g.imp decided to end the conversation with:
'Results might vary.'

Monday, July 24, 2006

Some days the only good imp is a sleeping imp!

There is a hole in the wall behind my sofa. If a termite colony had a fire drill and all the little pests left via one opening, it would be the size of the hole in the wall behind my sofa.

There is dust the floor behind my sofa and there is dust on the back of my sofa from the hole in the wall behind my sofa.

There is glue drying under the hole in the wall and in the dust on the floor and on the back of my sofa.

There is a chalky paste dried on the blade of a letter opener that was used make the hole in the wall behind my sofa that created all the dust that fell on the back of my sofa and on the floor behind my sofa.

The reason I was given for the chalky paste that was dried on the letter opener and for the dust that fell on the floor behind my sofa and for the dust that fell on the back of my sofa and for the hole in the wall behind my sofa and for the glue drying under the hole on my wall behind my sofa???

w.imp: the termites peed on your wall daddy.

Friday was not a good day for us here in imp nation. However, I did find the cure for the frustration:

Sunday, July 23, 2006

Baseball and the Queen City

We took the imps to the see the Redlegs play in their home field yesterday. We had not been in our seats more than 5 minutes 20 seconds and the imps were already charming peanuts off of the ladies sitting behind us. This after g.imp tried to beg some ice cream off of an unknown imp!

Then g.imp crawled up on my lap and started chanting something. I am not certain what, but at the same time he was swinging his feet and kicking the back of the head of the woman in front of us!! But because he is PDC (pretty darn cute!) she just waived off his attack to the back of her head!

Also some time after the 5th inning the stadium started playing 30-45 seconds of various rock songs. My newly found guitar god (Clapton and Townshend move over and make room!) b.imp whipped out his air guitar and also rocked out with the hard rock 'head bob'.

I predict his first album will go Platinum!!

OH! Our little Oscar Winner, g.imp, was given approx 5 seconds screen-time on the stadium's jumbo tron!

b.imp got out of bed a few minutes ago hollering at the top of his lungs from the top of the stairs. Knowing you are all parents (probably not with the same amount of angst as Chag from Cynical Dad) you might imagine what would cause all the noise:

a) pain
b) fear
c) both
d) just plain being mad about having to go to bed.

My bet was 'd'. I was wrong. It also was not a-c. Instead b.imp was standing at the top of the stairs proudly proclaiming that he found g.imp's purse (tiny, ivory and covered with 'jewels').

He could not have been happier, unless perhaps he was wearing make-up...

Friday, July 21, 2006

Plays, Playing and Play Dates

Yes, today was g.imp's play and she had the best costume there (only because it was made entirely out of old clothes and construction paper -- and the wife imp pulled it all together).

Here she is:

I recently witnessed b.imp holding one arm out in front if him and making a sawing motion over the arm (just about at his wrist). Now I've seen this motion a couple of times now and have been more than a little bothered. I know he is not a gang-banger and b.imp seems too happy and too young to be contemplating there I was, in my private Hell wondering what b.imp was trying to tell me.

Wife imp comes home and witnesses this gesture:
w.imp: do you see that? (b.imp) is playing air guitar!
(nertz! one would have thought I might have clued in on the fact we were rockin' out on the radio when b.imp whipped out his 'guitar'!! CLUELESS!!)

Play Date:
I have read nothing but horror stories about how play dates gone bad can ruin a day/week/friendship. So I have assiduously avoided this activity. However, IF I want the imps to grow up with little to no therapy in their futures, I really should encourage them to mingle and make friends.

So after the play, I cornered the mom of the girl that g.imp seemed to like the most. They played together to the exclusion of everybody else in the room (including teachers and parents). We exchanged phone numbers. I have yet to let the wife imp know of this --honey, g.imp made a new friend this week and might be seeing more of her this summer--.

Ok, the question is, how long do we wait to make the call and do we let the imps call? I have already opted to suggest we meet in a neutral location my back yard so I can kick your ass out of here if things go bad a local park near where both families live.

So, next week we set sail in uncharted waters...maybe...


01. Bought everyone in the bar a drink –do not drink.
02. Swam with wild dolphins – no, but once at Cedar Point I got to be part of the Dolphin stage show
03. Climbed a mountainBoy Scouts. Philmont Scout Camp, NM. 2 weeks of fun!
04. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive –
why a Ferrari? Corvette, yes. Porche – yes.
05. Been inside the Great Pyramid
06. Held a tarantula - I beat the hell out of a Black Widow once…
07. Taken a candlelit bath with someone
08. Said 'I love you' and meant it
- frequently
09. Hugged a tree – also kicked a tree, climbed a tree, fell out of a tree, got blind-sided by a tree
10. Bungee jumped – only if I would be drunk. See #1
11. Visited Paris
12. Watched a lightning storm at sea – would huddling in a leaky tent while two thunderstorms collide above the campgrounds count?
13. Stayed up all night long and saw the sun rise
14. Seen the Northern Lights
15. Gone to a huge sports gameevery game at the ‘Shoe is a huge game. BIG 10 rules!!
16. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa
17. Grown and eaten your own vegetables
and had the pleasure of weeding the garden they were in too
18. Touched an iceberg
19. Slept under the starson the side of a hill after sliding out of the tent during a rain shower
20. Changed a baby's diaper-
what Einstein thought this one up?
21. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon –
got gypped out of one during my vacuum cleaner salesman days
22. Watched a meteor shower
23. Gotten drunk on champagne –
See #1. At most ½ glass on New Year’s Eve
24. Given more than you can afford to charity
25. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
26. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
I was being fired from a ranch in Colorado. I went back 2 years later to a different ranch and completed the summer.
27. Had a food fight
I was the 2nd of two boys. The food was raw and plucked from plants in our garden…
28. Bet on a winning horse – I
was actually 13 and not allowed to be but picked 3 trifectas in a Row. My uncle and grandfather only bet on the last. They split $700 each. I got my hair tousled and a firm ‘atta-boy’
29. Asked out a stranger
I am male and once single (then I was married and this became moot)
30. Had a snowball fight
both with and without pebbles in the snowballs and sometimes without the iceballs
31. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can - high school football. No really since
32. Held a lamb
and ate lamb
33. Seen a total eclipse - in middle school
34. Ridden a roller coaster- never since high school and only then because I was still more asleep than awake when I was strapped in...
35. Hit a home run
36. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking - only for the imps.
37. Adopted an accent for an entire day –
I actually spend each and every day trying to hide my Ohio hillbilly accent
38. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment - every day
39. Had two hard drives for your computer
40. Visited all 50 states – at last count I was in the low 30s
41. Taken care of someone who was shit faced – actually got someone shit faced and then left the party to try and get more victims friends to come over
42. Had amazing friendsis this ‘had’ as in the biblical sense?
43. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country – does Tennessee count?
44. Watched wild whales
45. Stolen a signfrom a trash heap
46. Backpacked in Europe
47. Taken a road-trip
48. Gone rock climbingPhilmont Scout Camp
49. Midnight walk on the beach
50. Gone sky diving – see #10 above
51. Visited Ireland – why Ireland? Why not other Islands like Greenland, Iceland or Bimini? I have not been to any of the above either.
52. Been heartbroken longer than you were actually in lovemale and puberty
53. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger's table and had a meal with them
54. Visited Japan
55. Milked a cow –
most milking, even among the Amish are done via machines. Fed milk to a calf tho’.
56. Alphabetized your cdsand then used them. They need re-alphabetized now..
57. Pretended to be a superhero -
I have kids. And also enjoy the odd RPG
58. Sung karaokeI was booed offstage at my sister’s wedding by my neice
59. Lounged around in bed all dayahhh, the benefits of a college education
60. Posed nude in front of strangers
61. Gone scuba diving
62. Kissed in the rain
63. Played in the mud
64. Played in the rain

65. Gone to a drive-in theater
66. Visited the Great Wall of China
67. Started a business
68. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken - married once and am still married
69. Toured ancient sitesthe walled city in the Philippines
70. Taken a martial arts class
71. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight
72. Gotten married
73. Been in a movie
home movies—No, not the Paris Hilton kind of home movies!!
74. Crashed a party
75. Gotten divorced
76. Gone without food for 5 days
77. Made cookies from scratch
before I found out about the hazards of raw eggs this used to be fun…
78. Won first prize in a costume contest
79. Ridden a gondola in Venice
80. Gotten a tattoo – might as well ask if I have done other permanent damage like body piercings
81. Rafted the Snake River
82. Been on television news programs as an "expert"
83. Got flowers for no reason
84. Performed on stagesee #58 above
85. Been to Las Vegas
86. Recorded musicsent wife imp a tape with my singing…I must be in love
87. Eaten shark - always a better idea than doing the reverse.
88. Had a one-night standHello!! Male college environment!!!
89. Gone to Thailand
90. Bought a house
91. Been in a combat zone
92. Buried one/both of your parents
93. Been on a cruise ship
94. Spoken more than one language fluently – how many words count as fluent?
95. Performed in Rocky Horror.
96. Raised children -
currently progressing to 'raised'
97. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour
98. Created and named your own constellation of stars
99. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
100. Picked up and moved to another city to just start overthe business failed leaving us with a mortgage, rent on two apts., one storage unit and two car payments
101. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge –
I have been driven across a few times..
102. Sang loudly in the car, and didn't stop when you knew someone was looking -
who doesn’t?
103. Had plastic surgery
104. Survived an accident that you shouldn't have survived. – birth count?
105. Wrote articles for a large publication
former newspaper reporter with lots of front page exposure
106. Lost over 100 pounds – am working on losing 30 right now
107. Held someone while they were having a flashback
had a girlfriend in college and was rounding third and heading for home when she flashed back to a time when she had been raped in high school. No, this was not forced. She had been harboring major feelings of guilt this was the moment she unloaded them. We stayed together for almost 2 years...
108. Piloted an airplane –
does Flight Simulator on the PC count?
109. Petted a stingray
110. Broken someone's heartmale, college—remember?
111. Helped an animal give birth
112. Won money on a T.V. game show
113. Broken a bone
every toe on both feet
114. Gone on an African photo safari
115. Had a body part of yours below the neck pierced –
jeez, why not stain your skin with tattoos, shave your head and join a cult!!
116. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistolI was once ranked ‘Pro-Marksman’ with a .22 caliber rifle
117. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wildyes but not gathered by me
118. Ridden a horse-
I rode herd on a stampede of horses
119. Had major surgeryYes, Tonsils
120. Had a snake as a pet
we captured a Garter Snake and turned it loose in our yard…
121. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
122. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours
good old college days and back spasms with prescribed drugs (I did mention the drugs were legal??)
123. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. states
124. Visited all 7 continents
125. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
126. Eaten kangaroo meat –
Deer, rabbit, squirrel, ostrich, buffalo, snake, goat (at least they told me it was goat)
127. Eaten sushi
actually I am strongly encouraged by my doctor to not eat sushi and not for the reasons most people would assume…
128. Had your picture in the newspaper
high school football. As a reporter I twice was asked to take a photo to accompany my story and had my car in the background..
129. Changed someone's mind about something you care deeply about
130. Gone back to schooltwo college degrees
131. Para-sailed – see #1
132. Petted a cockroach – I then tossed them into the bathtub and fried them with aerosol
flamethrowers (more college memories)
133. Eaten fried green tomatoes
134. Read The Iliad and the Odyssey
and all the Shakespeare plays, Sir Gawain and the Green Knight and Beowulf and Dante’s Inferno and Paradise Lost/Regained
135. Selected one "important" author who you missed in school and read
136. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
137. Skipped all your school reunions
138. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language
this often led to one night stands (pre-marriage)
139. Been elected to public office
140. Written your own computer language –
this is only for the uber-geeks! (I am merely a has-been geek)
141. Thought to yourself that you're living your dream. –
however there is still room for improvement
142. Had to put someone you love into hospice care
143. Built your own PC from parts - with help
144. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn't know you
145. Had a booth at a street fair
146: Dyed your hair - see the entries for body piercing and tattoos
147: Been a DJ
148: Shaved your head –
had a headache after work one day and told the woman to use #2 clippers front to back and top to bottom. One would have thought I pulled out a gun and asked for all her valuables…
149: Caused a car accident
fell asleep at the wheel with cruise control locked at 65 mph. Pavement looks less appealing when it is sliding past over one’s head at high speed...
150: Saved someone's life

If anyone would like to see me expound on any of these items,
shoot me an email and I'll try to answer them in a future entry.

Thursday, July 20, 2006

Potty Training Lessons

It is becoming quite apparent that our 12-year-old babysitter has tremendous magical powers. She not only gets b.imp to take naps (something that only happens about as often as blue moons when I am home) but b.imp seems to leap onto the training potty for her.

I might just abdicate the throne if this keeps up!

Today b.imp fake-cried and wailed when I insisted he try to use the potty. That is he cried until I mentioned, Fruit Loops. Ahhhh the sweet sound of silence.

Still he did not achieve the desired results.

However he did have fun:
b.imp: It's sticking...
me: It is? (hey! he might be reeeeally using the potty today!)
b.imp: Yes. My ting-ting is sticking.

That is when I noticed b.imp was repeatedly opening his legs then sqeezing his thighs together. Then he reached between his legs and peeled (yes, peeled) his penis off of his thigh where it had just been stuck.

This was not the image I wanted to take with me today...or really any day...

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Our Imps both Inspire and Frustrate...

Inspiration (what good parents we are):


B.imp started using the training potty! Twice!

Neither the wife imp or myself were home for this achievement...I got two phone calls from the babysitter. I sometimes wonder if I'll be around when the kids learn to drive...


We enrolled g.imp into a beginner acting class. It lasts one week. The kids put on a play at the end of the week. Today they got to pick the character/animal they want to portray in the play.
One would expect there would be princesses, princes, lions etc...

And there were and then there was the smartest pick of the day. G.imp's best friend in the class chose to portray a Movie Star!!

Before revealing the g.imp's choice I do have to stress that we parents were told to cobble the costumes together using items here at home. We ARE NOT ALLOWED TO PURCHASE THE COSTUMES!

I am not inclined toward handy crafts. In high school I got a 'D' in shop when we built small table lamps (there were 6 pieces of wood and they had to be cut into squares or rectangles...). I took Home Economics (all the other damn electives were taken) and we had to make an animal pillow. Mine was an owl where the face, ears and wings were glued on. I would have been HAPPY with a 'D'.

Bottom line here, I do not make. I buy.

G.imp's choice? She wants to be a Chicken! Do you know how many small and entirely unique features a chicken has??

me: hey honey, we have to make g.imp a costume for Friday. And guess what? We are not allowed to buy anything.
w.imp: ok.
me: You know what her little friend picked? A Movie Star!
w.imp: that's nice. What did g.imp pick?
me: you're not going to like this...
w.imp: ...What is it?
me: a Manok!
w.imp: She's what?!?
me: that's right! She's a chicken! And you need to make the costume by Friday!
w.imp: A chicken? Why a chicken? Why not a lion or something easier? (mild expletive)

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

My Collection of Silly Lists

Seeing as how everyone has done lists:
-Mama Drama has a nice list
-Cynical Dad has started a listing of his top 100 albums (however he has admitted the Who is not at or near the top. Even so with this dimished list--it is something to keep one's eye on.)
-Mrs. Fortune from July 10, Stuck In Elmo's world must have had the world's worst day ever!!

My list. I am white -- neon white, and, even though I grew up in the hills of Ohio, I am so backward I cannot even qualify as a redneck. I am married to a Filipina! She's educated. She has traveled the world, worked on 4 continents. She is funny.

She sent me the following list:

You May be Married to a Filipina If:

1- Your refrigerator is always full but you cannot find any food that you recognize
(I do the shopping most of the time, so this usually is not applicable)

2- Instead of a dowry, you got the whole bill for the wedding and honeymoon

(in the US the bride's folks traditionally foot the bill, oddly in the Philippines it is the groom's parents. We went into debt on day one)

3- Most of the decorations in your house are made of wicker

(not remotely true, yet...)

4- You are expected to be able to read her mind just by watching her eyebrows move up and down and which way her lips are pointed
(boy oh boy after 12 years I still have not mastered this skill!! I really really wish I could do this)

5- All her relatives think your name is Joe

(nope. just a dumb cliche)

6- The instant you are married you have 3000 new close relatives that you can't tell apart
(ummm...I have a pre-marriage story about this...)

7- Your house isn't really on fire, but there is a very charred fish right on top of the stove burner
(we had this once...)

8- All the desserts are sticky and all the snacks are salty...
(tooooo true!!)

9- She eats her fruit with giant salt crystals and her fried chicken with ketchup

10- Even the ketchup tastes weird... very weird
(2 words - banana ketchup)

11- You throw a party and everyone is fighting to chop the leathery skin off a dead pig
(not at any of our parties!!)

12- All your kids have 4-5 middle names
(well, b.imp does)

13- Your in-laws take 10 years to acknowledge your existence and to call you by something other than "that white guy"

(I don't think I could ever be known as anything than 'that white guy')

14- You try to call her up on the phone and someone tells you "for a while" and you want to know "for a while, what??"


15- You are trying to go to sleep and she keeps asking for the comFORT'r, and you ain't got a clue what she's talking about

(can anyone say BLANKET??)

16- Your first Christmas present is some funny looking baggy see-thru shirt made out of leftover lace doilies

(actually I want one but w.imp keeps denying me that pleasure)

17- Your phone bills are all international and average 3 hours per call
(...and nobody thought to tell me about how international calling rates and regular phone rates are different...VASTLY different)

18- She sweeps with something that witches usually fly around on
(now we have 5-6 of them)

19- Her idea of classy, expensive champagne is Asti Spumante

(well, w.imp's idea of class is sooo far above Asti Spumante that it is pretty ridiculous)

20- The rice cooker is on 24 hours a day and uses up 50% of your electric and food budget
(well, we do eat and inordinate amount of rice. Even the imps prefer rice over potatoes...)

21- On your first trip to the Philippines, you have 18 giant boxes that weigh 1000 pounds each and your "carry on" luggage requires a small forklift truck. The same luggage is over filled with things that cost an average of 15 cents each like old magazines and M&Ms
(this would be my 2nd-5th trips. the first trip could have landed me in prison. Live and learn folks...)

22- the worst part is when you get off the plane, the same stuff you've been
hauling around half way around the world is available in every store in the airport for
half the price!

('nough said)

23- The first time she's pregnant you have to go out at 4:00 in the morning
looking for some weird type of greasy sausages

(Nope! Burger King!)

24- You buy a new $500 freezer so she can store 200 pounds of SPAM that was on sale
(if we had a freezer that large it would be full of spam and bungose)

25- She gets really excited by sucking the fat out of pig knees

(YuCK! She does dig the fat out of about everything else)

26- Your daughter gets her ears pierced when she's 2 minutes old but your
sons are not circumcised until they turn 13

(Yeah, this was discussed and b.imp was 'fixed' before we left the hospital. Some traditions can stay in the islands)

27- Her favorite sauce is called "patis," Americans call it turpentine
(Pah-Teece. Learn how to say it so you do not have to taste it!)

28- She actually thinks that bowling and golf and billiards are real sports
and are more important than baseball and football
(due to our early indoctrination procedures, this has been corrected)

29- You were married 5 years before she explained to you that "ARAY!" doesn't
mean "ooh, baby!"

(w.imp actually did not explain it until we saw this list. However I figured out the difference on the 1st night of our honeymoon...)

30- She prefers bistek to beef steak

31- you still don't know what's the difference between manong and manok
(I think one is a chicken...)

32- She goes to the movies just for the AC

(w.imp goes anywhere just for the AC)

33- Her homeland has more Megamalls than islands
(I believe! I believe!)

34- Before every holiday and visit, her sisters fax you a 10 page "bilins" list which says "suggestion only."
(and if you think they are only suggestions...)

35- Your kitchen table has a merry-go-round in the middle
(not yet but we still have hope)

36- Her friends are named Chinky, Girlie, Boy and Bimbo and you are not allowed to smirk
(I have bite mark scars on the insides of my lips...)

37 - All your place settings has the silverware backwards and there are no knives

(I usually do have the only knife at the table)

38- She washes her hair with a bucket and her car with a broom
(I take the 5th on this one...)

39- She "cleans" her closet by throwing all the crap into your closet
(wait a minute! I get a closet? Our first 3 years in our house I lived out of a suitcase and a cardboard bureau)

40- When she says nothing is wrong that is when there is trouble!!
(This is endemic of all women!)

AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST: You are pretty proud of yourself because you think you snagged up for yourself some unique, rare, tropical goddess type until you go to the Philippines and can't tell her apart from anyone else in the whole country
(unless she's taller than 5'1", then it's a bit easier)

Too lazy to blog

Today I am too lazy to blog--or too tired and I will be running out and about tonight. So, I have decided that I will not post much today.

Instead I am going be commenting extensively today on other blogs. Yeah me!

I however have decided to change it up a bit. I am going to theme post. No matter the topic that has been posting, my comments must be relevent and not trivial. The kicker is, I have to include what I believe is the worst song ever recorded: 'Microbes' by George Harrison off of his "Wonderwall Music" album.

I am going to also challenge the following to do the same with what they believe is the worst song ever written in their comments one day this week:

  • Rice Daddies

  • where boys fear to tread

  • Creative-Type Dads

  • Mrs Fortune

  • Mama of 2

  • Mother Goose Mouse

  • J's Mommy

  • Mama Drama

  • Stuck In Elmo's World

  • Izzy Mom

  • Blog-o-Licious

  • Circle of Muses

    • I Swear the Cows are STILL at the Party!

      It is now 6 a.m.

      The imps have been awake...WIDE F-ing Awake for two hours now.

      The wife imp has b.imp in bed with her, trying to get him back to sleep so she can go to sleep so she can get up at a reasonably early hour to go to work.

      I am in the family room with g.imp. Detroit needs to examine her motor. She has been running at high speed, non-stop for 2 hours.

      Since 4 a.m. we have heard her talk about:
      - playing downstairs and upstairs
      - eating breakfast now or waiting until her stomach gets hungry enough to eat her heart
      - sleeping
      - being scared of a moth (to the point of loud, fearful crying)
      - soaking the moth in the bathroom and trying to dry it with toilet paper...

      For the last hour here is what a conversation with g.imp sounded like:

      g.imp: daddy? blah blahblahblah blah blahblah
      me: hmmm? mmmhmmm (yawn)
      g.imp: blah blahblahblahblahblah blah blahblah blah
      me: mmmhmmm
      g.imp: blah blahblahblah blah blahblah
      me: (yawn)


      Sunday, July 16, 2006

      From the Mouths of Imps

      It is only during those quiet moments at Church when one of the imps will feel the need to contribute:

      b.imp: Sit on me! Sit on me!

      At this time I would like to revisit last night's rant. G.imp told me about why we played her version of 'Hide and Seek' (In this game, I was to sit in my chair and close my eyes and g.imp was to curl up under my chair and hide).

      g.imp: daddy..?
      me: yeah baby?
      g.imp: remember last night when we played 'Hide and Seek'?
      me: yes
      g.imp: do you know what I was doing under your chair while you had your eyes closed?
      me: ummm, no. What were you doing? (please let it be hiding...please let it be hiding)
      g.imp: I was watching the newlyweds and THEY WERE KISSING! That was so NAAAASTY! Yuck!
      me: Oh.

      I realize that I missed out on a great opportunity to have one of those 'talks' with g.imp but I could not think of anything to say that would not make things worse in the future...

      Saturday, July 15, 2006

      The Controlling Minorities

      We went to see the local symphony Orchestra tonight along with guest artist 'Big Bad Voodoo Daddy'. The music was terrific! However there were a few things that could have been better:

      1) Today the good Lord picked to crank out the sunshine and the high temps. It was 80-plus going into 9:30 p.m. My blinding, white complexion is ruined. I am now mostly a bright reddish pink (however this is also g.imp's favorite color).

      2) A 20-something foursome really hacked the wife imp off and were really really working on my last Teutonic nerve!
      They show up after us and then park their party right on top of us (in itself not a bad situation) but then the youthful quirks started to surface:

      1- Loud Cursing. I mean come on! You show up after the families and then settle in to trading insults like: "asshole", "douche", and the ever popular "douche bag"!

      Gee thank you! Now I have to look forward to another in-depth conversation. The imps already know the not so objectionable terms for asshole but now I get to explain douche!

      2- Smoking in the non-smoking area. Yes, I know I sound like a minority Nazi here, but there were several announcements (written and verbal) and clearly marked smoking areas--away from my imps.

      3- Porno sex - ok, ok their clothes stayed on -- barely. But when your hands disappear under the clothes both above and below the waist...

      Let's say that g.imp is seriously crushing on guys now and is very interested in 'dating' related activities.

      I was about to ask if they would mind giving my imps some weed or perhaps crack when they decided to go to that motel...

      Love the conversations that these four lined up for me this week!

      Friday, July 14, 2006

      This might be my first 1st!

      and this is the reason we enjoy being at home...

      Today I took the imps to the Center of Science and Industry (COSI) for a free program with bugs, stories, and a little song with interpretive dance. It lasted 30 minutes. There were six other families in attendance.

      Did I mention it was free?

      But this is not what I wanted to write about. This was filler, otherwise today's post would have been all of 9 words long.

      I would like to say that most of g.imp's firsts came when I was at work:
      Her first word happened in daycare.
      Learning to walk? Daycare.
      Potty Training: Daycare (Ok this I did not mind so much).
      Learning to Read: Daycare.

      The big news?

      Our g.imp learned how to snap her fingers today!!

      Oh yes! For those people that condemn rock'n'roll and music of the devil, I say 'Oh yeah? My baby learned how to snap her fingers listening to it!'

      On a darker note:

      G.imp wanted both parental units to stay home yesterday. Upon being informed that wife imp had to work:

      g.imp: why not call your boss and say that you have a cold and that you can't work today?
      w.imp: I can't do that!
      g.imp: yes you can! just start coughing when you talk.
      w.imp: That's lying! I can't do that.
      g.imp: ok, you talk and I'll cough for you...

      My only response was to tell wife imp, after I stopped laughing, that g.imp did not learn that from me!!

      Thursday, July 13, 2006

      I am not an Office Monkey

      Every now and again, when I am out on the road for work, I get asked where do I see myself in three years.

      My most honest answer is 'Not in an office.' I have left the rat race and my pen at the office zoo.
      Honestly, they do everything but post signs on the cubicles asking passersby not to feed the workers monkeys.

      My ten worst memories of office work:

      10 - The boss telling me I will soon put emphasis on quantity over quality.
      - I laughed. Within 3 months I truly did value quantity v. quality. Not because I desired to lower the quality of my work but because that is what the company emphasized.

      9 - Those tiny gray-walled cubicles.
      - with only enough room for a briefcase and a chair
      - counter space is limited to a cup, a paper holder and a stapler (pictures had to be tacked to the cubicle walls).

      8 - Justifying time away from the desk
      - Not since 2nd grade did I ever have to ask permission to leave the desk to go to the bathroom (management could not trust that staff would be responsible enough to stay at their desks and actually do things like work)

      7 - The company refrigerator
      - where was it posted in the Employee Handbook that any lunch left in the 'fridge was community property? I've actually added extra tobasco and/or chocolate laxatives to my 'lunch'.

      6 - One hour lunches
      - this policy is aired by the companies, however if they can get you to take your 'hour' at your desk, preferably without food, and limit actual down-time to 5-10 minutes...

      5 - Other office Monkeys
      - let's face it, there are other co-workers monkeys that just do not seem to pull their weight.
      - there are those that wish to gossip all day. Any topic. You do not have to actually listen, just be physically present. I actually had to sit through a conversation where 'Jerry McGuire' was exalted as being the best movie ever made..!
      - I once sat near co-monkey who mad a trip to the restroom every 15 minutes. Every day.
      - Other Irritating personal habits:

      - an actual bark/squawk while talking
      - incessant burping/blowing of nose/coughing/clearing throat of imaginary phlem/and farting
      All that was missing was another office monkey willing to pick his butt and sniff the offending finger...

      4 - New Office Philosophies
      - B.S.!! Anybody remember the 'Upside-Down Pyramid' structure? You know the one where the company president is the least valued employee? After that particular speech, I asked my supervisor where I needed to go to negotiate my golden parachute...

      3 - Recycled Germs
      - turns out that I am a germ sponge. If I do not get fresh air on a regular basis, then I will catch everything that is brought into the office and passed around via the air vents. I cannot think of any year in which I finished with any sick days left over...

      2 - Office Politics
      - Personally I support whomever's signature is on my paycheck.

      - I was once denied the opportunity to interview for a supervisoral position because, "I wore my sunglasses to my desk and walked slowly, as if I did not want to be at work...
      (I wore Transition Lenses at the time--they were still a fairly new innovation--and when one is routinely 10-15 minutes early to the office why the hell should I rush to the desk. Did you notice I was not criticized for being routinely late?)

      1 - Temperature control
      The person in charge of setting the thermostat in the office is probably the most sadistic person to walk the face of our world. I have actually been in offices in the WINTER, when the thermostat was set at less than 52 degrees. Folks that was cold! But it was worse in the summer when the boiler excessively utilized.

      So whenever I start to get frazzled or frustrated or desire adult conversation, I just remind myself where I could be and I really do find myself feeling much, much better...

      Lazy day notes

      Because we have been deluged recently with vast amounts of rainfall, we have spent the a.m. inside.

      The imps asked for and were permitted to watch the first 'Pirates' movie. As soon as it was over:

      g.imp: daddy look at my purse. You have to see how much money I have.
      me: oooooh, congratulations
      g.imp: why did you say congratulations?
      me: because you have money. It's always good to have a little money
      g.imp: can we go shopping? I want to buy something
      me: you want to go shopping?
      g.imp: yes. I want to buy something cheap.
      me: cheap? What do you want
      g.imp: I don't know. Just as long as it is cheap.

      My question is are we teaching the imps to value money and to spend money wisely...or are we just penny-pinching misers?

      Sometimes they make you just want to get out of bed...

      My dad is an early riser. He really enjoys calling early in the a.m. just because he knows he will usually wake me up (we do not have a phone in our bedroom). But things have recently changed.

      I have not mentioned this yet, but g.imp has recently been getting out of bed around 5 to 5:30 a.m. Yes! We now have an early bird (This was the same girl that knew Dave Letterman's theme song by the age of 18 mo.)

      Normally g.imp will get up, have breakfast and head downstairs for a brisk 21/2 hours of undisturbed t.v. veiwing.

      Today she called grandpa. As previously stated, Grandpa is an early riser--just not that early.

      g.imp decided to call, just to say, 'hello' and tell grandpa 'I think (b.imp) woke up at 1 in the morning and I think he sneaked into mom and dad's room and that Winnie-the-Pooh is on the Disney Channel and to say hello to grandma when she wakes up!'

      Sometimes I really do wish I was a fly on our walls...

      Wednesday, July 12, 2006

      Slow News Day

      Hello everyone!

      I noticed that my attempt at posting a long post seemed to have bored all to tears. Mother Goose Mouse has a pretty insightful post ('What Not to Write', July 10) on this very topic.

      However today I have to ask, 'why do I even bother to watch the local news?' Our local CBS affiliate ran a story (at the top of the hour!) right after a 'breaking' story on flooding around Ohio.

      Remember, this was a 'priority' story. It was approx 3-4 minutes long. It was a story about an airplane crash.

      In a different State!
      On the ground!
      With no injuries reported - minor or otherwise!


      My college major was journalism! I covered about every beat possible and not at any time did my professors or editors tell me: Go find me an old story with no injuries, little to no damage and make certain it is out of our circulation area. You do this for me and I will make certain it runs on the Front Page!!

      What is happening here?

      With this type of reporting criteria I have a newsflash for CBS:

      Last year my g.imp almost broke her elbow on the wall while walking down the stairs. But hey! She did not actually hit the wall nor did she fall down or sustain any injuries!!

      I'll be waiting for the news crew to show up on my doorstep...

      Tuesday, July 11, 2006

      Has anyone else noticed the backsliding??

      I was going to write a post about taking the imps to the main library in our capital city and about how they fell asleep on the way and about how they would not wake up and how we napped in the underground parking garage then left.

      But I got this email from the wife imp, originally posted to her by her sister. I am going to post wife imp's response in its entirety as it thoroughly states what I believe.

      (The underlines and italics and bold-case is my doing as I wanted to highlight the areas of concern)

      This is a long posting:

      1- The sister imp's letter:
      Hi everyone! This is one of the best e-mails I've ever received on the worth of a woman. Men tend to forget :) hehehe

      I think it's true that independent women really don't have a problem being submissive to their husbands. It's if he's worthy of it that's the problem.

      1a- original text:

      Name Deleted
      Digicell International Inc.

      "Love is not about finding the right person, but creating a right relationship. It's not about how much love you have in the beginning but how much love you build till the end."

      well said

      In a brief conversation, a man asked a woman he was pursuing the question,"What kind of man are you looking for?"

      She sat quietly for a moment before looking him in the eye andasking."Do you really want to know?"

      Reluctantly, he said, "Yes."

      She began to expound...As a woman in this day and age, I am in a position to ask a man what he can do for me that I can't do formyself. I pay my own bills. I take care of my household without the help of any man...or woman forthat matter. I am in the position to ask, "What can you bring to the table?"

      The man looked at her. Clearly he thought that she was referring to money.

      She quickly corrected his thought and stated, "I am not referring to money. I need something more. "I need a man who is striving for perfection in every aspect of life."

      He sat back in his chair, folded his arms, and asked her to explain.

      She said, "I am looking for someone who is striving for perfection mentally because I need conversationand mental stimulation. I don't need a simple-minded man.
      - "I am looking for someone who is striving for perfection spiritually because I don't need to be unequally yoked... believers mixed with unbelievers is a recipe for disaster.
      - I need a man who is striving for perfection financially because I don't need a financial burden. Iam looking for someone who is sensitive enough to understand what I go through as a woman, but strong enough to keep me grounded.
      - I am looking for someone who I can respect. In order to be submissive, I must respect him. I cannot be submissive to a man who isn't taking care of his business. I have no problem being submissive... he just has to be worthy.
      - God made woman to be a helpmate for man. I can't help a man if he can't help himself.
      When she finished her spill, she looked at him.

      He sat there with a puzzled look on his face. He said,"You're asking a lot."

      She replied, "I'm worth a lot."

      2- Wife Imp's response:
      I disagree - I don't think anyone should be submissive in any relationship. I think both parties should be willing to reach an agreement and be comfortable with the situation that ensues - maybe it is just the term "submissive" that I object to - as defined below:

      Main Entry: sub·mis·sivePronunciation: s&b-'mis-ivFunction: adjective: characterized by tendencies to yield to the will or authority of others —sub·mis·sive·ness noun

      Source: Merriam-Webster's Medical Dictionary, © 2002 Merriam-Webster, Inc.


      adj 1: inclined or willing to submit to orders or wishes of others or showing such inclination; "submissive servants"; "a submissive reply"; "replacing troublemakers with more submissive people" [ant: domineering] 2: willing to submit without resistance to authority; deferent 3: abjectly submissive; characteristic of a slave or servant; "slavish devotion to her job ruled her life"; "a slavish yes-man to the party bosses"- S.H.Adams; "she has become submissive and subservient" [syn: slavish, subservient]

      Source: WordNet ® 2.0, © 2003 Princeton University

      I don't think anyone, man or woman, should compromise what he/she values (i.e., one's own self) to get something in return. Marriage is not a competition where one ups the other, it is a partnership, which if you have shared values, is not as difficult as cultures (classical or popular) portray. Or maybe I am just spoiled. As a woman I will be of service to my partner because I choose to do so (note the difference between "being of service to" as opposed to "submitting oneself to") not because that is what he wants, and I have to do so to keep him.

      I think the other thing I have a problem with is women talk the talk but don't walk the walk. There are a million and a half of these emails about women being strong and independent - why are we so defensive? Quit talking about how strong we are, just live strong. Treat people fairly whether man or woman, then you are good to go. Lie on the bed we make, manage the situation we are in. To be honest, we keep talking about how men have it so good and that they don't have to suffer through what women do - geez, enough of this victim mentality.

      OK that is my rant of the day. Maybe it is all semantics.

      Thunderstorms on the way - it is very dark right now at 3pm. Hope all is well in your neck of the woods!

      What kind of message are we sending?

      We are Buckeye fans!

      We bleed scarlet and gray. By the age of 4, g.imp knew the 'Buckeye Battle Cry', 'Carmen Ohio' and 'Across the Field'.

      b.imp already knows the appropriate lyrics to 'Hang on Sloopy':

      bimp: Hang on Snoopy, Snoopy hang on! O-H-I-O (also he adds the proper arm gestures), OHIO! Gooo Buckeyes! Hang on Snoopy...

      Knowing that we are raising our imps to honor the proper values and traditions, why is it that most of b.imp's shirts are not scarlet and/or gray but have a blend of maize and blue???

      I see much therapy in our future!!

      Monday, July 10, 2006

      Foot (HOOF) In Mouth Disease

      Having lived through 12 years of marital bliss, I took some time recently to reflect on how socially inept I am (therefore what a miracle it is that I am married)

      Things that actually came out of my mouth (or I put in writing and thought, 'yeah, that's ok')

      5 - w.imp (for wife imp).
      - I am still waiting for the frying pan upside the back of my head

      4 - "It's fine. However it would be better if you gave (wife imp) more money so I could stay at home full time."
      - this was uttered at a party in the house of my wife imp's department head after said boss asked me: '...How do you like being a full-time, at-home dad?'
      - Yes, I was sober.
      - I really have no excuse.
      (did I mention that this was also the party at which I learned that 'bring a bouquet of flowers' means more than one pathetic handful...)

      - This is only the 2nd in the list. It gets worse. Much much worse...

      3 - $143.00.
      - Yes, when petitioning the US government for a Fiancee visa for the wife imp, I actually stated this amount as my current savings account total.

      I hear that my Father-In-Law still has a hearty laugh over this...

      2 - 'Get on I-70 and go west'
      - This piece of sage advice was given to the wife imp 2 weeks after she moved to the Buckeye State from the Philippines as she was preparing to leave my parents house to go to the capital city for a job interview.
      - No, she had never been.
      - Yes, my head was resting in its usual position - somewhere up my ass.

      1 - 'That's got to be the ugliest baby I have ever seen.'
      - I was 17.
      - I was at my then girlfriend's house.
      - It was her niece
      - her entire family was present
      - I lived to see my 18th birthday
      - I developed a very intense belief in a Living God that day...

      As I have not followed the 'official' format of a MEME (and have never been tagged - wah!) I will leave it up to you, BUT:
      - What are the five worst social faux pas that you can personally claim?

      Sunday, July 09, 2006

      Good Ideas Gone Bad

      These are usually ideas that women come up with and let men handle...

      But there are those times when I have a brainstorm:

      Like trying to get b.imp used to the idea of Potty Training.

      Why not let him into the restroom with me while I use the potty. It has been years since I missed the bowl and 'flooded' the floor. And b.imp likes to do things daddy does:

      1- Shave
      2- dress himself
      3- go to work

      No. 3 above consists of him hugging and kissing us goodbye, announcing he is going to work, and then climbing into his foot-powered, plastic, Flintstones car and cruising down the driveway toward the road. It also consists of me testing my ability to survive high-level spikes in my blood pressure and followed by a brisk sprint.

      But back to the restroom:
      So I casually go to the bathroom and leave the door unlocked, in case b.imp wants to see what 'big boys' do...
      (get your minds out of the gutters ladies...but the answer is, of course, yes!)

      So b.imp wanders in and the following ensues:

      me: so do you think you want to use the big potty?
      b.imp: no. Can I see closer
      me: umm, ok (closer means I have to do a shuffle dance to keep him from climbing right onto the edge of the bowl)
      b.imp: what's that?
      me: (CENSORED- this is a family blog after all)
      b.imp: why is the water yellow? Can I touch? (it really is amazing the reach a two-year-old has...)
      me: no! Time to go! (Christ! what a shitty idea!)

      Ok, can you imagine telling a two-year-old that he/she/it cannot touch something and the imp actually listened??

      Me either.

      Fred Astaire never danced so fine a line...

      By the way - it is 10p.m. on a Sunday night and my show 'The Dead Zone' is on. Guess whose imps are both still awake???

      So we are watching Ballroom dancing competitions on PBS because g.imp loooooves to see them dance!!

      oh joy...

      Welcome to our home

      We have navigated to this new and improved (ahem) location.

      We hope that you will join us as we continue to settle in...