Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Playground Hostage Situation

The day we left home to visit the In-Laws, I could never have dreamed that I would find myself in the middle of a hostage situation. I remember that in Ohio the temperature was going to be near 88 F. After landing in Manila, I soon learned that 88 F was a temperature that came and went early in the a.m.

And if the heat did not get to you, the relentless high humidity would. Wife.imp is fond of stating that the Philippines two seasons; hot, humid and dry or hot, humid and wet. Unfortunately the rains never showed, which means it went from hot to hotter (Mr. President, have we reviewed the Kyoto Accords recently??).

It really should not have surprised me that I would end up as a hostage but when I got up that morning, I was blissfully ignorant. After cranking down the temp on the air conditioner, I decided it was time to venture from the room and track down a glass of water.

Water? Heat? Kyoto Accords? Dennis you promised us a tale involving hostages...

And here it is. As soon as I stepped out of the frosty air of the room, I was abducted by my body's fat. Think its impossible? So did I. Up and until the heat wave rolled up and over me and the continued health of my heart and arteries were threatened.

Fat: Woe! Woe! Woe! What the hell is all this heat? No! No! No! We are not going to be happy here. Ok boys, shut 'em down!
Me: Oh god! What just happened?
Fat: Hey, we did not want to do this but there is no other way. Just do what you are told and nobody has to get hurt.
Me: What are you talking about? Why are you doing this?
Fat: Why? Why are we doing this? It was nice and cool in that room. WE were happy in that room. WE wanted to stay there! But did you listen? Did you express any concern to our feelings or well being when you decided to enter this inferno? No! You just HAD to go for a walk! You brought this onto yourself, not US!
Me: Come on! Be reasonable about this. So it's a little warm...
Fat: It's MORE than a 'little warm' bub!
Me: Yeah, it is hot enough to fry an egg, or to boil...
Fat: Don't go there! Do not even THINK about going there!
Me: Look, I don't want to be out here any more than you do...
Fat: Yet here we are. Standing, not moving...You ever hear about a thing called Heart Failure? It's a nasty, painful business. WE can make it happen. JUST.LIKE. THAT. Shut 'em down boys!
Me: Hey, you don't have to do this! Listen to me! We can work something out!!
Fat: Yes. All that you have to do is move slowly back into the air conditioned room!
Me: Ok, Ok, Look! I'm moving back--Man it is hot! I could use a glass of water.
Fat: Water? Cold water?
Me: Yes, a nice frosty glass of cold water!
Fat: mmm, water. Yes, water will be ok. But after that right back to the air-conditioned room! No tricks! Don't even think about stalling! Oh, and don't forget to grab one of those doughnuts on your way!

7 comments:

Hannah said...

Great post, my man, I'm laughing out loud. You're lucky your body fired a warning shot first instead of just dropping you at the threshold.

creative-type dad said...

Yum, doughnut...

Maria said...

Right now, I am thinking that Nebraska should be renamed "the true hell of the U.S.A."

And to think I spent January complaining about how cold I was and how much I wanted it to be summer.

I spent an hour in the garden and I look like I took a shower in my clothes......

Rebecca said...

I'm glad you are back!! It was 90 degrees here today. I kept hoping my body would hold me hostage, but no such luck. My body defies me and forces me out into the hell heat. Sad.

Mark said...

I know your pain. My in laws are in Trinidad and the heat plus the humidity means I don't sleep. It's nice at the beach though. Then there's the food. I mean pepper. They enjoy watching my face turn red while I run for water.

wayabetty said...

You are hilarious! I'm with you there about the heat! I can't wait for the "two girls" to leave me b/c in this heat, they are two sweaty cantaloupes. Not a nice image huh?!

dennis said...

H: thank you...I believe the doughnuts saved me

maria: as I have already determined that nebraska is not a vaca destination, you have merely underscored my resolve :)

rebecca: absolutely right...do not back down to the modern convenience of a/c. You rock!

betty: actually you asked the wrong person...I am a guy after all...hmmm, sweaty cantaloupes...