Saturday at the Playground

sure it is St. Patrick's Day. sure girl.imp is HYPED! She marked it on the calendar last week.

'St. Patrick's Day. T.V. all day'

and she watched t.v. all day (except for the OSU v. Xavier bball game--GO BUCKS!)

after the game and some gratuitous pushing of things around the house to make it look neater, we had to decide on dinner. Spaghetti was our first choice. No noodles. Roast? Frozen and no fresh veggies. Pizza? Not likely. KFC? Sorry Tony, the bucket did not do it for us. So we saddled up and headed out for grub.

at the restaurant we bought the imps and expensive meal (meaning anything that does not come in a paperbag with a toy) and boy.imp decided to fill up on:
a) lemonade
b) his paper napkin

he finished up the meal by scooping up a humongous spoonful of applesauce and waving the spoon in the air.

girl.imp merely ate her dinner with relatively little fuss and kept commenting on the basketball games showing on the t.v.'s around the room. We could not have been any prouder of her!

This is for Betty. Hope it Brings a Smile. I

Yes, I am posting this primarily for Betty over at W.A.Y.A. concerning her post about 'Mother of the Year'

It got me to remembering the times when I was a kid that my parents were not there for me (or so I thought) or that I just wanted more independence.

This is the first of 3 posts:

- The J.C. Penney's Hide and Seek
- The Day I convinced my younger brother to run away
- The Day I was left behind and STILL did not get any Ice Cream - Dammit!

The J.C. Penney's Hide and Seek
Back in the day when the world was a kinder and gentler place. Where strangers thought nothing of helping people. Where men were men and sheep were scared...(this is a story about my high school football team).

Yes, this happened in the early 1970's. Mom and Dad took us Christmas shopping at the local mall. While we were wandering around, looking at clothes and shoes, it was discovered that elder sib had disappeared. Mom and dad decided that they needed to canvas the store and that taking us along was only going to slow them down. They plopped us down in the electronic dept. in front of the t.v. and asked if we would be ok if they left us alone for a few minutes.

Yes! we cried. T.V. and no parents? Hell, Yes!
They promised to be back in 15 minutes. After a few commercials had zipped past, I got to looking around and decided that it was waaaaaay longer than 15 minutes and that me MUST go to the car to make sure that Mom and Dad had not yet left (hang around for the 3rd installment and you will understand).

So after a little fast talk, I convinced younger sib to wander the parking lot with me (at night) to find our car. We eventually did. And seeing that nobody was in it, I reasoned that the parentals were still in the store. So, after even more convincing, little sib and I took off through the mall to find our parents.

About an hour after that we wandered into the t.v. section of the J.C. Penney's to find mom and dad sweating bullets. However, since they were a few minutes late to begin with, we were not in any trouble.

We also were never taken on any subsequent Christmas shopping trips.

As Heard Around the Playground

boy.imp: mommy when I grow up I don't want to be a doctor
wife.imp: why?
boy.imp: because doctors are girls

On the bright side, I still have my left-side infielder...

on explaining to girl.imp why boys are different from girls.
wife.imp: ...remember boys don't grow up. They just get older...

on the phone at the end of the day with sick boy.imp:
me: honey? so what time are you leaving? I've got this pounding headache. I've had it all day.

I finally found a babysitter that could come watch the imps on short notice (10 minutes) so that wife.imp and I could go out. To watch a 'date movie'. This, of course means that the movie about the 'Biker with the Flaming Skull' was out. 'Black Snake Moan'? Out. 'Hannibal Rising'? Out

No we went to 'Music and Lyrics'. A Romantic Comedy. Of course I agreed on the outset. I'm no fool. This was a light, frothy movie that was more like brain candy.

Of course I was thinking that after the show, in order to pump the testosterone levels to near normal, I would have to go get into a fight or find a stage that involved dancers, floor to ceiling mirrors and a pole.

However the comedy was tight. There were no real lags while the 'drama' played out and the dialogue was pretty good.

I would probably not turn this over when it comes out on cable next month.

Fun with Telemarketers...redux?

Because boy.imp is home sick and I have been woozy the last few days and fielding an absurd number of calls from companies asking for my money, I am dusting off some old stories for your amusement (yes, these actually happened).

I usually do not mind telemarketer phone calls. That is until recently. Recently they have been calling the Playground PAST 9 p.m. and on SUNDAYS!! The callers also, sometimes, work for the same company but different call centers, which means I have to turn down the same product 3-4 times a day (Discover Card, are you reading this? Think maybe you have too many people on the phone??)

All in all, these calls are very annoying. It is not too hard to guess the countries of origin: India, Philippines, or our own USA. But as annoying as these calls are, either in sales content or interpreting the accents, I never seriously considered the infamous "Do Not Call" list.

Where would be the fun in that?

If we had signed up for that list would I have ever been able to do any of the following:

1) Convince the caller offering me a 'most expenses' paid trip to Branson, Missouri to help me plan a way to take my mistress instead of my wife on the trip. The problem hinged on the fact that she could not figure a way for me to take wife.imp to the mandatory, pre-trip sales meeting (spouse ID had to be verified) and somehow leave her at home while I vacationed with the mistress.

Before you judge me, wife.imp was sitting on the sofa beside me listening to my side of the conversation. And there never was a mistress so stop the hate mail.

2) There were lots of calls made by the same male telemarketer asking for wife.imp. I usually do not get irked unless a telemarketer calls and refuses to leave the name of the company/purpose of the call. I mean if you are going to be that persistent, throw me a bone here!

But if you don't and you insist on constantly phoning day after day after day...I might just go on a rant accusing you of being my wife's current lover and that if you wanted to keep her you had better improve the quality of jewelry...etc.

I never did find out what product he was hawking. Wife.Imp thought it might be Discover trying to send another card.

3) I felt bad (marginally) accusing that previous caller of having an affair with my wife and swore not to use that particular strategy again. So the next caller that tried not to identify himself got the "paranoid, conspiracy theorist" ranting about how these calls are 'The Man's' way of keeping us under his thumb...

However none of these compare with my elder brother's masterpiece:

After ordering a complete replacement of all the windows in his house, he 'let it slip' that he did not own the house and asked if that would be a problem. The telemarketer was somewhat new and agreed it wasn't and then had to backtrack.

The gloves came off... My brother claimed he really wanted the windows and could the telemarketer call back later as he shared a party line with the landlord. But when said telemarketer called back, could he not let on that my brother spoke to him as the landlord was still upset about receiving the bill for the installation of carpeting and a few other improvements throughout the house.

The telemarketer called back 2 days later and my brother started speaking in a faux old man's voice. The first thing the telemarketer did was inform my brother that his boarder ordered 10 new windows and could he schedule a time for the company to come out. At this point my brother went off, ranting about having to pay for new carpets, refinished kitchen cabinets and new appliances. He then moved into a line about evicting the tenants.

The telemarketer, being waaaaay out of his depth, then spent the next 1/2 hour trying to convince my brother not to evict the tenants (which of course included said brother, his wife and the family hound).

I can only aspire to such greatness. But in the meantime, practice makes perfect.

The Playground's Google Anonymity - 1st Quarter 2007

Much like everybody else in the blogosphere, I wanted to see where my 'peeps' were coming from. I noticed bloggers like Cynical Dad posted lists of search terms that brought the unsuspecting to their sites. And I joined the lemming heard.

In posting the search terms (pitifully few in the case of the Playground), I decided that there were other interesting stats:
- Country/City of search origin
- How long did you actually give the Playground some luv'n??
- IP Address (for those of you searching from work...thank you and IT's OUR SECRET!!)
- Search Terms

Foriegn Imp Searches:
Those who chose not to stay and enjoy the Playground and ALL it has to offer:
Greece – Athens, Attiki, 0 seconds 1 page view
Netherlands – Utrecht, 0 seconds 1 page view, Search Term: ‘imps blogging’ - everywhere! They're like Tribbles!! buuuuwhahahaha!!!
Indonesia – Jakarta, Jawa Barat, 0 seconds 1 page view
United Kingdom: - Cheltenham, Gloucestershire, 0 seconds 1 page view (IP Address: Gloucestershire College of Arts and Technology)
- Manchester, 0 seconds 1 page view (ISP Address Manchester City Council)
- Bradford, 0 seconds 1 page view
- Hammersmith, Hammersmith and Fulham, 0 seconds 1 page view
Spain – Madrid, 0 seconds 1 page view – 3 visits
Philippines – Koronadal, South Cotabato, 0 seconds 1 page view, Search Term: ‘flying machine impormation’ - umm- have you tried the Gloucestershire College of Arts and Technology?
Canada:– Timmins, Ontario, 0 seconds 1 page view
Brazil – Mairipor, Sao Paulo, 0 seconds 1 page view
Croatia – Zagreb, Grad Zagreb, 0 seconds 1 page view

Our Worldwide Friends who stayed for a visit. Come back again!!
United Kingdom - Rochdale, Rochdale, 11 seconds 2 page view
United Arab Emirates – Dubai, Dubayy, 6 minutes 5 seconds 5 page views, Search Term: ‘imp of exercise’ - ok ok, you got me! I should be doing more!
Canada - Ottawa, Ontario, 5 seconds 2 page views
Norway – Hinna, Rogaland, 41 seconds 2 page view


USA Imp searchers that could not give the Playground any Love:
Brookline, Massachusetts – 0 seconds 1 page view, ‘imp 1 pow 14 answer’ - Sorry no cheats here!
South Dennis, Massachusetts – 0 seconds 1 page view, ‘graded school house west dennis playground disability’ - good luck with your search
Superior, Wisconsin – 0 seconds 1 page view - so...superior to what??
Hollywood, Florida – 0 seconds 1 page view - so close and yet sooo far! Correct, Tony?
Silver Spring, Maryland – 0 seconds 1 page view (IP Address: National Asphalt Pavement Association)
Evansville, Indiana – 0 seconds 1 page view, Search Term: ‘barefoot in walmart’ - ummm hopefully never again
Metairie, Louisiana – 0 seconds 1 page view
Lead Hill, Arkansas – 0 seconds 1 page view - I need to know who named this city!!
Moberly, Missouri – 0 seconds 1 page view
Dayton, Ohio – 0 seconds 1 page view, Search Term: ‘professional behavior’ - well depending on the profession, let's say that you were dancing on a stage in front of floor-to-ceiling mirrors and the stage had a pole and you spotted a $20 bill being waved...but I don't really have any idea of what I'm talking about. (really honey! I'm just running on at the mouth here)
Manhasset, New York – 0 seconds 1 page view
Jacksonville, Florida – 0 seconds 1 page view, Search Term: ‘rush hour jam addictinggames.com cheats’ - oh come on! Cheat Codes for addictinggames.com????

Imp Friends who came for a visit and enjoyed the sites:
New Lebanon, Ohio – 29 seconds 1 page view
Fort Lauderdale, Florida – 5 seconds 2 page views
Newark, Delaware – 15 seconds 2 page views
Mount Laurel, New Jersey – 5 minutes 38 seconds 1 page view
Leipsic, Ohio – 7 seconds 2 page views - Leipsic? I will google you!

Theology 101 by Prof. Girl.Imp

g.imp: dad, did you know that God and the devil are twin brothers?
me: oh?
g.imp: Yes but other than that they really do not have much in common. Except that they both hate spinach. Because I hate spinach too.

We probably should not get the Pope on the horn over this revelation. I mean, what with the Discovery Channel 'claiming' to have found the tomb of Jesus and all, this little nugget from my daughter might not be well received. However, for a really good fiction book about God and the devil being brothers, read 'Waiting for the Galactic Bus'.

Stupid Things that have Crossed My Lips

Have you ever opened your mouth and suffered the aftertaste of your foot for years and years?
So have I. I wish I was known as that guy who is the compulsive gambler or the sex addict or even a straight-up bank robber. But not me. I am that guy whose tongue is made out of shoe leather. As incredibly hip, cutting edge, sensitive and loving I might appear, there is a dark side. And over the years it has proven to lurk just below the surface:

Ok, the rules for this list is that nothing verbalized while in an extremely emotionally agitated state (anger, fear, desperation inebriation (drunk or high - I've never been either...), or depression) can make the list.

I have only ever been cold, sober, which makes what I am about to reveal, that much the sadder:

1) I love you - has this line ever worked for loosening the willpower of the opposite sex? I tried it in high school and in college and it never workd. Oddly when I asked the girl when she was going to take me to a dinner and a movie...that line worked.

2) That has got to be the ugliest baby I've ever seen - Yes you read this right. No, I was in full control of my faculties. I was not hypnotised. I was a senior in high school. My girlfriend's SIL had just had a baby. A girl. She was an angel. I was kidding. I do not think my girlfriend's mother has ever forgiven me. Her SIL did. My girlfriend did (until she broke up with me two years later to marry the boy she broke up with to date me). The baby girl is now fully grown and is getting married this year. I have not been invited to the wedding.

Are you still reading?

It gets worse.

Ready?

3) No pain, no gain! - No, I was not at a sporting event. I was, again, in high school. It was winter and my brothers, sisters, mom and I were standing on the driveway at the edge of our sidewalk, staring down at my father who had just slipped and fallen on the way to the car to.go.to.CHURCH.

Want to hear what makes this statement worse? (yes, it can get worse) When it reaches the driveway, the sidewalk is approx 3-4" above the driveway surface. Dad landed so that his lower back (kidney?) hit the corner of the sidewalk. At the time I spoke, he was ashen, writhing on the ground and gasping like a fish out of water.

4) I don't want to hear about what you are planning to do, just tell me when you actually do it - yes, this bit of supportive dialogue was directed at my younger brother. He had dropped out of college and after years of my parents asking and his waffling, he came over for a visit and told me he was seriously considering going back to school. I, of course, lovingly told him where to get off and he did, delaying his re-enrollment by at least 5 years.

5) alright! Honey, this is...is...
(this happened approx one month after our marriage we were visiting the newsroom and were greeted by the Managing Editor of paper I just left. I also forgot the names of my fellow reporters, the City Desk Editor, photographer, various other personnel...every other personnel. Of course wife.imp knew everyone by sight- because she listened when I talked...)