Monday, March 12, 2007

Stupid Things that have Crossed My Lips

Have you ever opened your mouth and suffered the aftertaste of your foot for years and years?
So have I. I wish I was known as that guy who is the compulsive gambler or the sex addict or even a straight-up bank robber. But not me. I am that guy whose tongue is made out of shoe leather. As incredibly hip, cutting edge, sensitive and loving I might appear, there is a dark side. And over the years it has proven to lurk just below the surface:

Ok, the rules for this list is that nothing verbalized while in an extremely emotionally agitated state (anger, fear, desperation inebriation (drunk or high - I've never been either...), or depression) can make the list.

I have only ever been cold, sober, which makes what I am about to reveal, that much the sadder:

1) I love you - has this line ever worked for loosening the willpower of the opposite sex? I tried it in high school and in college and it never workd. Oddly when I asked the girl when she was going to take me to a dinner and a movie...that line worked.

2) That has got to be the ugliest baby I've ever seen - Yes you read this right. No, I was in full control of my faculties. I was not hypnotised. I was a senior in high school. My girlfriend's SIL had just had a baby. A girl. She was an angel. I was kidding. I do not think my girlfriend's mother has ever forgiven me. Her SIL did. My girlfriend did (until she broke up with me two years later to marry the boy she broke up with to date me). The baby girl is now fully grown and is getting married this year. I have not been invited to the wedding.

Are you still reading?


It gets worse.

Ready?

3) No pain, no gain! - No, I was not at a sporting event. I was, again, in high school. It was winter and my brothers, sisters, mom and I were standing on the driveway at the edge of our sidewalk, staring down at my father who had just slipped and fallen on the way to the car to.go.to.CHURCH.

Want to hear what makes this statement worse? (yes, it can get worse) When it reaches the driveway, the sidewalk is approx 3-4" above the driveway surface. Dad landed so that his lower back (kidney?) hit the corner of the sidewalk. At the time I spoke, he was ashen, writhing on the ground and gasping like a fish out of water.

4) I don't want to hear about what you are planning to do, just tell me when you actually do it - yes, this bit of supportive dialogue was directed at my younger brother. He had dropped out of college and after years of my parents asking and his waffling, he came over for a visit and told me he was seriously considering going back to school. I, of course, lovingly told him where to get off and he did, delaying his re-enrollment by at least 5 years.


5) alright! Honey, this is...is...
(this happened approx one month after our marriage we were visiting the newsroom and were greeted by the Managing Editor of paper I just left. I also forgot the names of my fellow reporters, the City Desk Editor, photographer, various other personnel...every other personnel. Of course wife.imp knew everyone by sight- because she listened when I talked...)

11 comments:

Pageant Mom said...

Don't feel bad... I happen to suffer from word vomit.

Word vomit is when your brain thinks something that probably shouldn't be said but hasn't told your mouth not to say it and it just spews out in an involuntary fashion. Then you get into an awful lot of trouble or you get laughed at (and I am not entirely sure of which one is worse...)

Maria said...

Oh...god..that was hilarious. And it brought back a memory of me holding my mother up on a really icy walk up some church steps when I was in high school.

She slipped, and I let her fall because if I hadn't, I would have fell too (she weighed at least twice as much as I did).

And then I couldn't help it...I LAUGHED. That kind of stupid hee hawing laugh that you do and can't stop. My mother was furious, my fellow church mates thought I was an insensitive brat.

I calmed down only to start up again during the sermon when I kept picturing her sliding down.

No, she wasn't hurt. But...I think she wanted to kill me.

Christina_the_wench said...

Lord, if I had a nickel for every wrong thing I've said over my 40 years, we'd all be in the Bahamas sipping drinks on the beach on my tab!

dennis said...

christina: well go start collecting nickels :) LOL

Maria: Yeah, I got that too. The only one laughing when the parental unit is down...

pageantmom: between you and christina, sounds like there is real talent going to waste..?

Diana said...

is it horrible that I laughed at number 3 a little too hard? It's a sickness, I laugh when people fall. Always. Even when it's me.

dennis said...

diana: you are the 2nd person since this happened to laugh (I was the first) :)

Mommy de Gallo said...

#5 is me. There is this switch in my brain where when someone is introducing themselves, it goes off. So all I hear is "Hi my name is *LALALALA!!*."
The joke in my house is that unlike normal people who give nicknames when they get to know someone really well, I give nicknames to people I *don't* know well, and if I get to know you, I learn your name.
In other words, I'm an insensitive self centered ass who can't be bothered to remember your name.

wayabetty said...

Oh Dennis, we've all been there done that! You're just honest to admit it to the whole world, that's all!

I love the "that's the ugliest baby!"

Lainey-Paney said...

I've used the "ugliest baby" line.
Not to someone's face of course...but I have said it!

dennis said...

Lainey - have you ever been in the hospital and heard the nurses refer to an FLK??
I found out (my sister in the healthcare profession told us) FLK stands for Funny Looking Kid!

dennis said...

betty: YES! I thought it was funny too!