I already do not like the education of girl.imp

I had a hard time staying quiet during the meet the teacher day, last week. She handed out a list of vocab. terms for her first grade students.

My first thought was cool! Girl.Imp finished the 6th Harry Potter book recently and did need help with a few of the words. This should help.

Then I saw the list was chock full of words like: Ice, swish and I.

I almost drew blood, biting my tongue. This was the vocab. list?

My shopping list at the grocery store is full of words much harder to pronounce.

It was at this point that wife.imp (during my first rant) reminded me I am somewhat of a literary snob.

Therefore I am offering my apologies here and now to any current and future teacher of my imps:

'You will not meet my expectations and standards and I might occasionally give you the impression that I do not approve of your techniques. It is merely that I am an overzealous prat and should considered slightly insane on occasions in which we have direct interaction. If I do approach you, the use of tranquilizers is approved.'

Name 1 of the top 3 Phone Calls you DO NOT want to receive, concerning your imps and school...

Ring Ring (oddly enough the Ring Tone on my cell phone is actually a telephone ring sound - also please take special note of the picture below. Can you guess where today's post is heading?)

me: Dennis speaking
: This is secretary at (your child's school)
me: Yes?
(you will note that my daddy radar is not fully formed at this time as it was AFTER 2:30 p.m. and I did not stop to consider why my imp's school would be calling me AFTER school was out for the day)
sec.imp: I am calling you because g.imp missed her bus today and...
me: she what?
sec.imp: She missed her bus. I tried to call...
me: she missed her bus?
sec.imp: Yes, she missed her bus. However she is in our office right now. I tried calling your wife but she did not answer. Can you come and pick her up?
me: uhhmmm, I'm actually at work (on the other side of creation today and you will be putting your own kids to bed before I can make it to your offices). Can I make some calls and call you back in 5-10 minutes? Yes? Can I have your number? and what was your name again? Thank you.

So hoping for the best I called wife.imp and miraculously found her at her desk.

wife.imp: Hello (wife.imp) speaking...
me: hey! g.imp missed her bus and you need to go pick her up at the school's offices.
(notice I did not butter her up with 'Hi Honey! How are you doing? How's your day? Are you busy right now? --Nope. Go for the jugular before they realize what hit them. Bad news is not any more welcome if it is delivered slowly or if it is delivered with cold, cruel efficiency. and yes, I am a grade-A ass for delivering the news in this manner)
wife.imp: she what?
me: missed her bus. She is at the school's office and here is the name and number you need to call.

What surprised me most about today's events was that g.imp FORGOT.SHE.WAS.RIDING.THE.AFTERNOON.BUS.

SHE.JUST.PLAIN.FORGOT

after being grilled all weekend on bus number, bus driver name, drop-off address, bus number...

Odds'N'Ends from our trip

When is it time to Go?:

Our first clue was when the imp, in whose house we were staying over the weekend, started running around the house on Friday (approximately 10 minutes after we arrived and lasting throughout the weekend) singing the following tune to our imps:
"Clean up! Clean up! It's time to clean up! Clean up! Clean up! Everybody Clean up! Clean up! Clean up!..."
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The Demise of Pluto:

Girl.imp told me that she to has agreed to the reclassification of Pluto. Meet Plutina!

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ABC's:

Boy.imp knows his alphabet (and I would have this on audio file but that is out of dad's skill set):

a b c d e f g h i j k emmelenno p q r s t u v w x y and z.

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Health and Beauty:

I have to report that wife.imp is not enthralled with my 'Let my hair grow until I lose 10 more pounds' plan to better health. She has indicated, mildly at first, her displeasure on many occasions. Just yesterday she intimated that I was sporty that 'greasy, unwashed look (knowing this all I need is a pair of overalls, a toothpick and a straw hat--preferably with part of the brim missing, and a banjo)'.

I was/am determined to use my lengthening locks as a means to encourage my weight loss (personally I do not want long hair, it is hot, hard to manage and totally throws off my 'swipe with towel then comb with my fingers' styling technique). Unfortunately, wife.imp is/was just as determined to see the crimson locks disappear.

We were starting an argument discussion when girl.imp tossed in her 'two cents' worth:

me: blah blah blabbity blah
wife.imp: blah blah blah blabbity blah
girl.imp: I have an idea! Daddy you do not want to cut your hair?
me: not yet baby.
g.imp: and mommy, you want daddy to cut his hair?
w.imp: uhhmm, yes.
g.imp: then what if daddy agrees to cut his hair if you agree to get on the treadmill all week.
w.imp: uhhmm...

I am not certain what wife.imp liked least; being cornered into starting her exercise regimen or being cornered into starting her exercise regimen by our 6-year-old imp!

At least the food was hot!

So we went here this weekend. Drove over 600 miles to see the King Tut exhibit, as girl.imp is highly interested in pharoahs and we would probably never see this exhibit again. I learned 3 things about the museum this weekend.

1) Imps that find out they cannot tour their chosen exhibit (tickets were sold out! At an effing museum?? WT-effing-F???) are not happy. So to appease the troops and prevent an outright revolt, we were forced to look for food. Imps, especially my imps, can be bribed with food. The worse it is for your health the easier it gets.

2) So, in the bottom level of the museum, we found Nirvana!
Yes, we succumbed to the siren like song of frozen potato sticks being deep fried in golden oil. We allowed ourselves to become entranced with the sizzling, miniature explosions of melting beef fat and dove headlong into the misty perfume of frying meat.

We bought ourselves another hour at the museum! Not that we really needed the hour:

We saw a lowland gorilla carcass. It seems the former gorilla was the first lowland gorilla West
of the East coast held in captivity.

We saw a stuffed lioness that terrorized villages in Africa in the early 1990s.

We saw the Underground Adventure exhibit--yawn (but we paid an extra $7 for the nap -yes we
are bad parents but value for $$ is our paramount interest when opening the 'ole man purse 'o
cash).

Having been here before and not seeing anything really new and/or interesting we soon left.

600 miles for a quick trip to the golden arches...

3) Believe you me, the imps will be reminded of this trip when the situation warrants an iron-clad guilt trip!

So you really want to know about me?

So tell me about yourself. I am totally interested in learning about you...

In my dreams the speaker is a ravishing redhead with a lilting Irish accent (yes I fell in love with Maureen O'Hara years ago. Oddly enough I have only sat through two of her movies, "The Quiet Man" and "McClintock") .

In this dream I have no problem telling all. After all, as the song says, '...I wanna talk about me...'

But in reality, I can sometimes make clams appear to be more outgoing than Jim Carrey by comparison. In fact, I roomed with my younger sib in college and we could go days without saying word one to each other AND neither of us was upset with the other.

I know what you are thinking. Well, I actually do not but in my world it runs along the following:
'Really! You are an introvert? But you are so handsome and strong and smart! I am totally interested in learning about you and I so want you to tell me everything...'

Of course in this world you would also be a ravishing red-head...

Anyway when the MEME first came to my attention, I felt a burning sensation in the back of my head, somewhere in the rusted corroded region of my memories when I used to be outgoing. After the smoke cleared, I had an epiphony:

'Cool!' I said. 'I can do this! This should be fun!'

Then I found out there are only about 500 versions of these floating around and everybody has already done them--ages ago.

Plus, IF I am going to spend 2-3 hours filling out questionnaire with personal information, I had better be in line for a cushy government job or participating on a Game Show (Meredith Vieira, I am ready for the hot seat on 'Who Wants to be a Millionaire')

The thing is, MEME madness has left me. The fever is gone. The luster is tarnished.
So, why am I receiving 4 page lists in my emails from my friends?

I'd like to think that if they had a burning question about my life they could pick up the phone and ask...

I mean, just because I lost my phone book of personal numbers and cannot call anyone to let them know what has happened, they should still have my numbers -- right?

Small Spaces and angry Imps

Thinking back to the grand scheme this a.m. I have to ask myself, 'What are you, stoopid?'

I have to wonder at the inspiration that possessed my to believe taking the imps to a drive-thru oil change place, where we sat in the car while they worked, was a wonderful idea. I know the benefits are obvious:
1- they are in an enclosed area and can be easily controlled
2- 15 minutes or less, no sweat (they'll just sit back there calmly drinking their choc shakes)
3- What can possibly go wrong?


Now we will touch on a little bit of reality.

1- major line in the drive-thru lanes forces me to rearrange my schedule
2- the imps finish their shakes loooong before we go back and get in line
3- did you know these 'change your oil while you wait' places do other work as well? Work like fixing windshield cracks and chips. I did not know this!
4- having imps in enclosed spaces while hyped on sugar - with absolutely nothing to distract them can be hazardous to your health. Yes I mean you mister oil lube guy who is making me wait in line, in a hot car with screaming kids. Put down the clipboard and come on over here. I have something to show you!!
5- By all means take as much time as you want on working on our car. I'll just hold the screaming and thrashing boy.imp on my lap. Please ignore the occasional blast of the horn while you are under the hood. I'll be able to listen to your complaints as soon as the little one works out his own issues...

Things I found out that happened while I was in the car and did not notice:
1- girl.imp and boy.imp got my cell phone and made phone calls. They left messages with both the wife.imp and one of her co-workers. They called the co-worker because the wife.imp's message told them to call and gave them the number to dial.
2- my cell phone has games. Specifically bowling.
3- girl.imp currently holds the high score.

How fast they grow, or isn't it funny how those games we played as kids take on new meanings when we are parents??

Every now and again, the girl.imp says something that makes me realize just how much she has matured aged. Just yesterday last week a few months ago about three years ago I remember all she wanted to do in the car was sing 'The Wheels on the Bus' or play 'I Spy'.

Ahhh, the halcyon days of youth.

Today we were leaving her school (1st grade orientation) and going to the library for my weekly fix of books on tape, when she asked 'Can we play a game?'

me: sure, 'I Spy'? I spy with my wee little eye...
g.imp: dad! (meaning you dumb clueless hick! I'm too old for 'I Spy') Let's play 'Truth or Dare'!

WTF? I was -- well I was much older than six-years-old before I learned about 'Truth or Dare'. Hell, I was at least...before I heard about 'Spin the Bottle'! Truth or Dare? With my 6-year-old daughter? The imp that has no problem licking her brother's tongue?

me: sure!
g.imp: OK!! Do you want truth or dare?
me: Truth! (No effing way I am going to let you push me into a dare)

fast forward through some innocuous conversation to when we are walking through the library parking lot back to our car...

g.imp: ...you always pick Truth!
me: But I like Truth! (truth has been safe. I've only had to identify my older sib, my younger sib, where I grew up...I like this game!)
g.imp: ok, it's your turn. Truth or Dare? and I'm picking for you! Dare!
me: ok.
g.imp: good! I dare you toooooo..........Got to bed tonight hubad! (Hubad in Tagalog means naked!

(Tagalog is the Philippine national dialect.)


New Rules were instituted in the house today. First and foremost was that there was to be no more Truth or Dare games until the imps were 35-40 years old!

Now, however, it is actually bedtime...