snippets and little ditties from the playground

Truisms:
wife.imp: "dorks are geeks that are not smart. and geeks are dorks that -- that are smart"
wife.imp:"No, sh--!!" (often in response to an observation of mine)

wife.imp: I still have this headache. It doesn't seem to be going away.
me: ahhh, it's all in your head


Verses wife.imp likes to sing to the kids:

"I smell cake and ice cream scoop, I smell boy.imp's stinky poop"

"I try hard not to get wet and not to see boy.imp's pwet (butt)" (sung at boy.imp's bathtime)

Coming soon: Stupid things I have uttered over the years.

If You Were A Superhero, What Super Power Would You Have?

Girl.Imp occassionally likes to remind me that, at one time, we used to watch teenage superhero t.v. shows:
- Teen Titans
- Static Shock
- Cyberchase
etc...etc...etc...

So she decided to ask this question whilst I was chauffering her to school one morning.

me: ummm...
(X-Ray Vision! I've always wanted that ever since I was a freshman at the State University...But then I'm old enough that it would make me 'that creepy old man'. So, super speed? Flight? Too many military ramifications. I like my freedom and the government already intrudes too much with life here at the Playground, every April, with its hand out asking, 'gotta dime, buddy?')
me: I would want to know what women were thinking.
g.imp: You would want to know what women were thinking?
(wtf? are you really that kind of lame-O loser daddy?)
me: sure! just think, I could charge people a dollar per question! I could make millions!!
g.imp: millions?
me: millions!
g.imp: That would be a great super power!!


Ok, every so often I like to post about boy.imp. Usually it involves poo! His poo. His nasty, smelly, often explosive poo. But not today. Today b.imp critiqued my singing ability.

(If I have never mentioned this, I never Karaoke. Not since my niece booed me off stage at my sister's wedding reception. To be honest I sucked. I was actually relieved that she gave me the excuse to give up the mic. However, my imps do not get to boo me...)

me: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie...That's Amore!
b.imp: ow! ow! ow! That would hurt daddy!
me: hurt? how?
b.imp: the moon is too big! if it hit your eye, your eye would be bloody and hurt and would die!
me: oh...
b.imp: the moon cannot hit your eye daddy! ow!
me: oooookaaaaay....
(Note to Deano, when you have the time during your celestial repose, can you rework the lyrics and get back to us? B.imp would like lyrics of a less violent nature...)

MDF - matt damon factor has not helped recently and shall therefore not be re-applied for this post

It Is Experiment Night at the Playground

Ingredients:
1 tired wife.imp
1 not-so-tired boy.imp
1 really really good sitcom 'Fawlty Towers' starring John Cleese

Picture the scene:
After dressing boy.imp, who is just out of the shower, wife.imp decides that the kewpy doll with the energizer battery is just a bit much. So she sits on the toilet (the toilet seats were all down) and she and boy.imp had the following conversation.

b.imp: mommy! mommy! blahblahblah blabbityblahblahblah...
wife.imp: (moving lips- no sound)
b.imp: mommy! who turned on the mute?
wife.imp: (moving lips- no sound)
b.imp: mommy! turn off the mute? fix the mute mommy!

This carried on for a few more minutes before b.imp came running to me in the kitchen. I, of course, had no idea what was going on and I was busy tidying up the kitchen and getting organized for trash day tomorrow. SO I told him to go sort out his problems with mommy...


(for those who have not seen Fawlty Towers, John Cleese was a hotel manager who, in one episode, did the exact same thing with a guest at the hotel)

Sleeping through my errands and Target the new Port-o-Let of Parents with toddler imps?

How can one ascertain 100 percent that something is not quite well? Let's say that if you fall asleep at the wheel (while parked) in line at a 'quickie' oil change facility. Yes friends that was me yesterday. However the kind employees of said facility allowed my nap to stretch to 10 minutes.

(they apparantly took bets on how long I would actually sleep but when I stayed asleep it was decided that they needed to actually do some work, so someone had to tap on the window to wake me up)


Did you know Target is a cure-all to constipation? Wife.Imp noticed. No, she was not the one in need.

Boy.imp is the recipient of the newly-discovered, curative powers of Target. It seems no matter the day, time of day, or even if he just had his diapers changed. He will fill them 'to the brim' when shopping at Target.

Of course this also could mean that somehow Target has affected his psyche and now just being in the store literally scares the crap out of b.imp..?

Inane Ramblings from the Playground

So I'm in the shower the other day staring at the shadow between my feet wondering why we hear things like, 'You'll grow hair on your palms' or 'You'll go blind' or 'Ewwwwwwwe' or the chorus to 'I'm turning Japanese' when discussing masturbation and male imps.

But when we think masturbation and female imps, things like 'Girls Gone Wild', 'Pay Per View' and the chorus of 'I'm Turning Japanese' leap to mind.

Then I thought about passing a 10lb. bowling ball and decided I'd spent enough time in the shower.

Yep, thanks to the blogging world, I realize that this talk, among other things is rolling down the boulevarde toward the Playground, and I will not be able to avoid it.

Yeah me....

At this time I do have to admit boy.imp is beginning to freak me out a little. While having his diaper changed he has taken to grabbing his feet and pulling his ankles up past his ears. Honestly this is not the image I need at any time during the day.

However the image is secondary to the fact that IF I was ever drunk/stupid (never been drunk but I've been plenty stupid) to try that same maneuver, the sound of popping cartilage and tearing of muscles would precede the screams by nanoseconds.

Another shower story
Girl.imp loves to shower with b.imp. She enjoys washing boy.imp 'down there'. Not because of a sexual gratification, but because he is different and, at this age, different is hilarious. She has also figured out that Daddy is also 'different' (and if you're still reading this, then so have you). So, when daddy is in the shower, g.imp likes to find reasons to be in the bathroom at the same time, reasons that center around her 'bladder'.

While relieving the stress she likes to do things like slowly pull back the shower curtain or just simply grab it and try to yank. But thanks to the death grip I inevitably have on said shower curtain all that happens is she gets to complain.

g.imp: awww man! Daddy when are you going to let go of the shower curtain?
me: when you or mommy pry it from my cold, dead fingers.

I really do need to fix the lock/latch on the bathroom door. But, because this house is sooooo old, this would entail removing the door frame, several feet of Pergo Flooring from the hallway, the trim around the floor and door and reinstalling a new frame/door, trim and the old flooring.

Honestly I am waiting until she decides on which college to attend and moves out.

Sights and Sounds Around the Playground

Saturday:

p.m.:
boy.imp: Mommy! Mommy! I want to hug you!
wife.imp: Hey! I'm on the toilet right now!

p.m. during dinner:
me: You know that Kim Possible just didn't wake up sart doing what she does? You know, she had to train and train for years to be able to save the world AAAAAND not muss her hair! She did not even get her own TV show until she was in HIGH SCHOOL!
(we're discussing the philosphy of Practice-Makes-Perfect with gir.imp. -- I did lean over and ask wife.imp how bad was it that we were in public and using a cartoon show to teach good work/practice habits to our imps? Need to discuss a role model in class kids? Come on over--we have lots to choose from: Kim Possible, Scooby Doo, The American Dragon, Jake Long, Hannah Montana, That's So Raven...---Disney sooo owns our souls!!!!)
girl.imp: (very excited) I love how she does the flips and kicks---heeeeya!
me: Yes, but she practices.
g.imp: huh (not so much excitement now)
me: You see it every episode. She practices a lot!

p.m. after dinner:
girl.imp: daddy, you now that once we get home the new episode of Kim Possible will be on?
me: Yep! (kim possible rocks!).

On a side note: After the imps went to bed we watched some Dr. Who episodes (of course!!!). Then we watched a DVD that my brother highly recommends, "Red Dwarf". Having read the books, I have to admit to being interested. It was a 'train wreck'. One of those BBC programs that had little funding but seemed to somehow catch public imagination. I wanted to turn it off. Several times I reached for the remote to turn it off. Almost two hours evaporated before I eventually found the off switch. I still am uncertain as to whether or not I was entertained or just horribly fascinated with how bad the show actually was..?

Sunday:
G.imp managed to hit herself in the eye with the foam stick (approx 3' of padded foam over plastic pvc pipe about as big around as my thumb) and came into the kitchen crying. B.imp then walked in and calmly headbutted g.imp's stomach. I of course yelled at b.imp because g.imp is now wailing.

B.imp runs to the bathroom where wife.imp is in the shower and stands in the open door shrieking at increasingly louder levels because wife.imp does not immediately leap out of the shower to join in on the fun.

Later, during Mass, boy.imp was starting to become...distracted. So I pick him up to keep him quiet. He immediately puts his arms around my neck and begins planting kisses on my cheek. After 5 or 6 kisses he leans backward:

"Ok, can I get down now?"

We are Stuggling as a Family

No...the marriage is rock solid! The Magic is still in the bedroom, the dining room, hallways, family room, stairs, laundry room...


...but not the Kitchen!

We just cannot get 'In The Mood' for food--so to speak. There is no desire to cook. There is no urge to plan the fam menues. It's not that we are out of food. We are out of creativity for cooking food. In the past week we have had the 'Upside Down' day three times (re: breakfast for dinner).

• Hot dogs and eggs and rice (yes, spam and eggs can work here too)
• Oatmeal
• Pancakes

Meanwhile we have meat frozen and waiting for that creative inspiration to hit. However, short of the 'Takehome Chef' materializing, we are stuck with the food funk. Even the leftovers are being shunned (until they grow enough 'fur' that they can walk themselves down to the corner on trash day).

So today we had the 'What do you want for dinner' conversation:

wife.imp: I don't know what to cook..!
me: I don't know. We have food in the freezer
w.imp: I don't know...I don't have any ideas
me: I know. Not that nothing appeals...
w.imp: (silence)
me: (silence)
w.imp: (silence - but it is somehow heavier..?)
me: I suppose I could go throw something on the stove
w.imp: (pause) Ok!
me: (knowing that I would have to go start throwing raw, frozen meat in a pan, toyed with not doing today's blog)
w.imp: I don't know. I feel guilty now.
me: (really??? Can I capitalize on this?---Silence)
w.imp: (waving a package of frozen meat through the kitchen door) I really don't have any idea...
me: Weeeell, we could go out..?
w.imp: (SMILING) OK!
me: (now I just have to pick someplace she'll like...)