Thursday, February 22, 2007

Dad Mourns not Having the Hernia, Lenten Sacrifices, Boy.Imp's Nature Phobia

I was sitting on the 'Thinking Throne' earlier this a.m. and felt a sharp pain in my groin when I went to stand up and make myself presentable for public viewing. That I might have a hernia was the first thought. How did I get said hernia was thought two (blogging to the world about it and when it was 'discovered' was thought three. I know. I know. Blogging about it should have been thought one!)

So how does one probe the tender area and describe it in a way that is not pornographic? I can't. So let's move on to possible causes.
1)I worked too hard while reclining on the Thinking Throne
2)I really earned my keep last night after the imps were asleep

I would feel the need to give an opinion on these options but as I sit here typing all pain is gone. Much like calling the repair man to fix a 'broken' appliance, everything is in working order when you invite 'public' scrutiny.

So is it wrong to be sad about missing out on having a hernia? Think of the possibilities, the stories I could associate with how I was 'injured'! It could have been a Sports Hernia! I could have been injured in a real manly, sports-related activity. Like backyard football, basketball at the Y, Caber Tossing, perhaps I slipped a little on the Rock Climbing Wall..?

Anyway Lent is here. While driving girl.imp to school, I discussed the need to sacrifice (give up something she enjoys). I suggested candy and/or sweets. She suggested:

  • Television: I gave it the nanosecond of thought that it deserved. I do not believe that she could truly give t.v. up for one day, much less 40 days. And I cannot remember a passage in the Bible that tells us Torture is valid and enviable part of the Sacrifice.
  • Karaoke: I reminded her that this was something that would be a sacrifice for her to give up. Not using the Karaoke machine for 40 days (her current time schedule of use anyway) did not quite make the grade.
  • Reading: Ok, this she could have done and packed in more t.v. into the gap in her daily activities However, I am not willing to make that sacrifice for her.
  • Talking: I believe that a related topic (not talking to your parents) will be visited upon this household in the near future (re: Tween through Teen years) so I roundly vetoed this option.

I think (but am not positive) we settled on no candy.

So boy.imp was whining and complaining when I got home. This sounds so tame--whining and complaining. For those of you without children, think of the noise, the aggrevation level as the noise of a jet engine just before takeoff. The slow build-up of the whine of the motors until they reach that roaring scream as the plane is flung skyward.

Now take that sound, the soundwaves and loop them continuously on a sub-harmonic level starting at the base of your spine and rolling upward until it leaks out of your mouth:

Parents: what dear? I'm sorry..? What did you say? I can't hear...Listen, I! What? I.CANNOT...OH.FOR.CRYING.OUT.LOUD!! WHAT.IS.WRONG.WITH.YOU????

Today I walked in somewhere between, 'What did you say?' and 'OH.FOR.CRYING.OUT.LOUD!!'

Turns out there was a bug on the wall that was freaking boy.imp out...


Diana said...

As for your options on how you got your imaginary hernia- number two should have been the only one given a thought, it's way better than a sports injury AND people would definately look at you in a new macho way...LOL!
The whining- you couldn't have described it any better...GOD I hate the whining...I usually start screaming at some point, but he still reaches higher decibels than me. Must be the fresher vocal cords.

Diana said...

p.s thanks for the laugh with this, you just made my day a little better! Just thought I'd tell ya!

creative-type dad said...

How funny- Karaoke. Yes, that would be tough.

dennis said...

Diana: I was really leaning toward option #2 but as anybody with children knows, option to becomes less and less of an option with each imp and since we have two imps, I was afraid of being 'called out'...

Tony: I, maybe, should have allowed the Karaoke ban as I have heard the 'High School Musical' cd a 100 buhzillion times...

Pageant Mom said...

Your hernia was probably GAS... (did you know that gas pain is one of the top number of calls to 911?) That's why I had a phone installed by the toilet in my bathroom. Honest. (Just in case.)

Did you get the bug? Or did you do like my husband and pick it up and chase them with it??? (yes, I'm positive my kids are going to spend a lot of time in therapy...)

Christina_the_wench said...

I love how you write. It cracks me up. Maybe because I can relate 100%.

Pass the earplugs over.

dennis said...

Pageant Mom: I caught and killed the bug. If time permitted, I would like to think I would have thought of chasing boy.imp with the bug.

Christina: Thank you.