Ummmm, time for a Hiatus...

We are having a slight technical issue and will not be able to post for a couple of weeks. However we do anticipate a positive (if somewhat delayed) resolution to talk about!!

oops...

Yesterday was a long, long day. Of course it was the funeral and I decided to wear black. Black suit, socks, shoes, shirt, tie, I even think my underwear was black (however that was a more random selection on my part).

Turns out it topped out around 88 degrees during the funeral. Has anyone ever noticed that graveyards have a definite lack of shade trees?

Just me? Trust me. I really noticed. Not to be disrespectful to the deceased--because he was a pretty awsome guy--but when the honor guard raised the rifles for the salute I half-hoped they would point one or two my way. A fat man in a black (non-cotton) suit on a hot sunny day. Tell me you would not consider that a mercy killing?


So when I got home, niece.imp (lord bless this girl but she was in a tizzy) informed me that my computer choked and died. Literally. The only thing to pop up on the screen when it was turned on was a warning that the config.sys file was corrupted or missing.

If anyone has seen my config.sys file, please send the poor dear home!

i spent the night trying to install everything that was lost when my recovery cd worked its magic. I lost everything on my drive. I had just recently decided that I was going to back up my documents this weekend (details on why is a later post).

There are only two devices that do not yet work as they did before the crash and it would really help work-wise if they would just stop being such pains in the a@@ and work the way I desire!!

So tonight I am going to try and beat these machines into submission...

Playground doin's

So I have been not as active in the blogoshpere recently. Maybe you noticed??

What's up dennis? Where have you been? Whatcha been doin?

Nothing too extreme. I'll start with the sad news. There has been a death in the family. A great-uncle recently passed. The worst part is that even though he had been in poor health, it was an auto accident and the dreaded 'hospital virus' that did him in.

It also looks like grandma will also be leaving us soon. However since cancer is eating away at her mind, this might be more a blessing for her.

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By the way, the number of popups that report on 'this' status or 'that' number or the 'number of times' I blinked my eyes last minute status--is driving me crazy!

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Ok, conversations around the playground:

me: girl.imp, you are getting darker. Pretty soon your tan will be as dark as that chair.
girl.imp: yeah! and you won't be able to see me while I'm sitting here.
me: I know. But your still not as dark as niece.imp
g.imp: I am too!
n.imp: no you are not. I am still darker than you
g.imp: yeah but I'm darker than your boobies!
(me - shutting up because this conversation just took one of those turns that means I should be finding some sort of project to complete in another location--like the garage!)
n.imp: You have not even seen my boobies yet!
me: yet??
(what yet? does there have to be a yet? why are we even anticipating a yet? Why am I still sitting here and not tinkering with the lawnmower or something? YET?)

Two things happened recently that really have highlighted my age:

First: Hair has been growing out of my ears like I have been soaking them in Miracle Grow. I am seriously beginning to ponder using the Laser Hair removal system on my ears!

Second: Because I am hyper-sensitive of this ear hair growth, I have become aware of this one hair that had been growing inside my left ear. I had been picking at it, rubbing it and trying to pull it out for 2 days now. Finally during the middle of dinner I decided it had to go.

Yes, I left the dinner table to use wife.imp's tweezers to pluck a hair out of my ear! I have become that anal!!

Lord help me when i hit my 40s!!

I typically delete these but my uncle sent another gem

Here are a few things to think about:

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"?
Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
(Great, another Item I have to consider in my will...)

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
(Hey James, you might want to remember this question when you and Mrs. B finally have those imps. Plan NOT to let these particular words slip out between your lips!! --by the way, remember those'Ask James Anything' Fridays?--I'll make sure to stop by soon!)

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
(Anyone?)

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
(This would be interesting to try...Yes, that thought did cross my mind!)

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

If Wiley E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?

Boys will be Boys will be...Girls?

So over the weekend I was out with wife.imp and had an excellent dinner followed by a quick fix at a local book store and coffee shop (yea me!). On the way back to the car I felt the need to releive some pressure and echoed my burp off of the walls of the bookstore.

I did not see her until after the echo faded, but I did manage to apologize to the poor lady who had been resting on a park bench outside the bookstore (and up until that moment) enjoying a quiet evening downtown...


So earlier tonight girl.imp let one rip! And by 'let one rip' I do not mean burped. So immediately after she whips off her pajama bottoms...

me: hey! you can take those off in bed. But while you're down here you need to keep those on.
g.imp: I just want to smell them. Yep, all clear now...
me: good night...

13 Years of Love and Familial Bliss Today

(although, if asked, I'd swear only a couple of years have passed since we were wed - Yes world! Life with wife.imp has been that fun!!)

Wet Dreams at the Playground

It is 3 p.m. and I still have not had my first cup of coffee today. and if anyone knows me, I drink coffee like boy.imp drinks milk (and he would be perfectly content to be permanently affixed to a cows udder).

The reason for this lapse in my caffiene addiction? Because this a.m. as I was fixing my chocolate chip pancakes b.imp wants to tell me about his sleep.

b.imp: I was laughing in my sleep last night
me: you were?
b.imp: yes, do you know why?
me: (looking at niece.imp as he is sharing her bed. She tells me b.imp was laughing in his sleep)
b.imp: because I dreamed niece.imp was kissing a boy.

Great! My son is having make-out dreams....and remembering them!! I mean he is only 3!

So does this mean that in a couple of years, when he turns 5, I'll walk into his bedroom to find him 'beating the bishop', 'slapping the dolphin', 'hitch-hiking to the moon', 'turning japanese'??

What if he reaaaaally starts to cling to that one 'special' stuffed animal.

Lord knows I spent all morning trying to figure out the living arrangements when he starts smoking in 3rd grade and he and when, on his 13th birthday he asks if he and his 3rd wife move in with the young-uns!

Maybe I should go to bed and try this day again in an hour or two...

The Playground is Worldwide baby (even if we average 3 hits a week LOL)!!!

The America’s:

Central/South:
Argentina, Bueno Aires, Distrito Federal
Costa Rica, San Jos, San Jose
Mexico, Mexico City, Distrito Federal
Panama, Paitilla

North/United States:
California:
- City of Industry
- Berkeley
- Harbor City
Illinois:
- Neoga
- Greens Fork
Maryland, Annapolis
Michigan, New Baltimore
New York:
- Potsdam
- Centereach
New Mexico, Las Cruces:
New Hampshire, Goffstown
Pennsylvania, Easton
Texas:
- Sherman
- Waco
Utah, Orem

North/Canada:
- Bellville, Ontario
- Deseronto, Ontario
- Bedford, Nova Scotia
- Ingramport, Nova Scotia
- Toronto, Ontario
- Stanley Bridge, Prince Edward Island
- Calgary, Alberta
- Warman, Saskatchewan
- Lethbridge, Alberta

Europe:
Germany:
- Berlin
- Hungen, Hessen
France, Paris, lle-de-France
Germany, Schifferstadt, Rheinland-Pflaz
Italy, Rome, Lazio
Spain, Valencia, Comunidad Valencia
United Kingdom:
- Dudley, Dudley
- Willesden, Newham
- City of Bristol, Bristol
Portugal, Pontinha, Lisbo
Poland, Lublin, Chmielnik

Africa:
Egypt

Australia:
- Ryde, New South Wales
- Melbourne, Victoria

S.E. Asia:
Singapore

Search Terms:
5 seconds addicting games
fat man couch potato
Imps
imp speaks
imps waiting for what
Matt Damon, North Andover, Ma
Stick figure torture game at addictinggames.com

Lunch at the Playground

So today we were to go shopping (girl.imp needed a new bathing suit). So we went to a local shopping center and during the trip we stopped for a meal:

the following conversation between myself and neice.imp:
me: so, now that we have run that topic into the ground what do we talk about now?
(n.imp recently visited New York and was relating the highlights of the trip)
girl.imp: let's talk about your (niece.imp's) zits
me: (gagging on my water)
g.imp: we can name that humongous one....and that small zit scares me the most...

Ok, niece.imp did not have much to say during this part of the conversation.

Later in the meal:
boy.imp: I need my diaper changed
me: what?
b.imp: I need my diaper changed

turns out he not only needed his diaper changed, he also needed his pants changed..

Hemochromatosis is the most common form of iron overload disease. Primary hemochromatosis, also called hereditary hemochromatosis

I have primary hemochromatosis.

So, dennis, now that we know what you have, what does it do?

Hemochromatosis causes the body to absorb and store too much iron. Iron is an essential nutrient found in many foods. The greatest amount is found in red meat and iron-fortified breads and cereals. Healthy people usually absorb about 10 percent of the iron contained in the food they eat, which meets normal dietary requirements. People with hemochromatosis absorb up to 30 percent of iron. Over time, they absorb and retain between five to 20 times more iron than the body needs. Because the body has no natural way to rid itself of the excess iron, without treatment, the disease can cause the liver, heart, and pancreas to fail because iron is stored in body tissues, specifically the liver, heart, and pancreas.

Because this disease takes so long to kill someone (and left untreated you could live 30-50 years. Lucky fella!!) the list of symptoms includes a grab-bag of everything:

- Joint Pain
- Fatigue---------check! This is my major complaint. I have been known to fall asleep when put on hold while using the telephone. At one time I found it difficult to walk 5-10 minutes at a time in the middle of the day and still stay awake. I know it is time for treatment when my energy levels start to drop. Much like the past 2-3 days.
- lack of energy ---check! See fatigue
- abdominal pain
- loss of sex drive --- I would like to state here and now that I am as horny as I was at age 18!!
- heart problems
- memory loss/lack of focus --- check! I have sometimes finished a phone conversation with family members and called them back (minutes/hours) later to 'initiate' this very same conversation.

Complications that can arise if left untreated:
- arthritis
- liver disease, including an enlarged liver, cirrhosis, cancer, and liver failure
- damage to the pancreas, possibly causing diabetes
- heart abnormalities, such as irregular heart rhythms or congestive heart failure
- impotence
- early menopause
- abnormal pigmentation of the skin, making it look gray or bronze
- thyroid deficiency
- damage to the adrenal glands

There are two MAJOR blessings that come with this disease
1) It practically takes a lifetime to kill you
2) Treatments. Treatments are easy, once diagnosed. Regular phlebotomies (sp?) will reduce iron in the body and improve chances for a healthier, happier, longer life.

So how does one contract this disease? Happily it is not contagious. Nope, you can swap spit and various other bodily fluids with anyone suffering from this disease and fear nothing.
This disease is genetic. And it is everywhere:

Hereditary hemochromatosis is one of the most common genetic disorders in the United States. It most often affects Caucasians of Northern European descent, although other ethnic groups are also affected. About five people out of 1,000—0.5 percent—of the U.S. Caucasian population carry two copies of the hemochromatosis gene and are susceptible to developing the disease. One out of every 8 to 12 people is a carrier of one abnormal gene.

All the Playground is a Stage and...

The Players:

Eldest Younger Sister (EYS)
Our Dad (OD)
Eldest Brother (EB)
Me
Our Nephew (EYS eldest son = ON)
Sister-In-Law (EB's wife = SIL)

The Plot: A woman with too much time on her hands, and a telephone, decides to 'rearrange' her eldest brother's summer plans...

Watch closely folks there are 5 phone calls in this little play and we will hear but 2. Yet you shall be offered a glimpse into the inner workings of our humble company.

Call 1:
me: hey, whatcha doin'?
EB: not much...EYS called and wants to send ON here for the summer
me: good! you'll have fun.
EB: Uh, we're never home. I told her that SIL and I are never home and that ON would have more fun if he stayed with you.
me: huh-uh. I already took the hunter safety test with him. It's your turn. As a matter-of-fact it is time for you to step up and be a Good Uncle.
EB: Are you kidding me? What's a 10-year-old kid going to do here? SIL works 14-16 hours a day and I'm posted in Wisconsin! Who's going to be home with ON
me: well...
EB: I'm going to call EYS back and tell her that ON will have to stay with you.
me: with us? what's he going to do with us? We live in Ohio. If he's going to stay with us he might as well stay home. What he needs is a change of scenery. If he's not going to be home, then he really needs to go to a different State. Besides, why didn't you just tell her 'No'?
EB: Because EYS called me to get SIL's phone number and then called her with this idea. SIL called me after and asked how we were going to manage this.
me: Yeah, did I mention the time that EYS called and told me that she just signed me up for a Hunter Safety course with ON? Apparently she was just pulling my chain and after our conversation she had to scramble to actually get us signed up for this class.
EB: Yeah, well anyway I am going to call EYS and straighten her out about this...

A short while later I was at our parent's house and mentioned this call to OD. He thought it would be great fun to call EB yank on his chain for a while:

Call 2:
OD: Hey, I just got off the phone with your sister and she wants to know if I can bring ON up to your house in three weeks.
(everyone in the house is trying very hard not to laugh too loudly as this call is taking place on speaker phone)
EB: She called..?
OD: Yes. So you need to make sure there is something going on for ON when he gets there.
EB: I can't believe she called you too! I need to call her....What did she tell you?
OD: (trying very hard to stop laughing) Actually she didn't call. Your brother is here and he told me about your phone call. I'm still trying to figure out...
EB: (ranting about not being home...)
OD: I'm still wondering why you didn't just tell her 'No'?
EB: Why would she call and tell us this?
OD: She was pulling your leg. ON is not going anywhere. He's supposed to be mowing my lawn this summer. In fact, ON was here just a few days ago trying to figure out how much money he was going to make this summer.
EB: You know she called me first to get SIL's number then she called SIL and told her that ON was going to stay the summer with us.
OD: I heard.
EB: I can't believe she did that! I mean, nobody is going to be here! What's he supposed to do here all day?
OD: Well, he could sit in your kitchen and watch that small t.v. mounted under the cupboards.
EB: Yeah, well, he could do that. But for 10 hours a day? I need to call her and straighten her out.
OD: You realize that she was just pulling your leg! There is no way ON is going to spend the summer with you. By the way your brother is over here falling off the couch. Thinks this is the funniest thing he's ever heard.
EB: But, why would she think that was funny?

Obviously EB has lived far enough from us for so long he has forgotten what is like to deal with members of our family! I only wish I could have been around for that 5th phone call between OD and EYS!

Will this make up for yesterday's LAME-O post?

So I am rushing around the house yesterday a.m. in an effort to get out on the road early enough to do some real work. Meaning I had to be at a specific county courthouse (2.5 hours from my house) before 11a.m. to ensure I had enough time to research property and obtain copies of paperwork so that I could rush to another county (1 hour from said courthouse) in time to keep a mid-afternoon appointment.

So what does this mean? It means I have to do a lot of driving to actually accomplish a minimum of work. In order to reaaaally be certain I would get everything done on time, I had to leave early.

So what is the one thing parents never remember to take into consideration when they make 'absolutely unbreakable commitments' outside of the actual family?

anybody? anybody?

Beuler?

Bueler?

Yep, you guessed it!

KIDAR!!

The imps radar array rivals that of any military/space agency.

In our household this usually is manifested by the imps suddenly becoming raving insomniacs the night before a trip (in which we plan to leave in the wee hours of the morning and drive, drive, drive).

Or let's say that mom and dad are in the midst of an impromtu canoodle. Oh the hilarity that ensues!!

Dennis! Quit rambling and tell us what happened yesterday!!

Ahhh, yesterday. I had plans. I had my books on tape. My chewing gum and bottles of water...

...and boy.imp vomits all over the table, dining room floor and kitchen floor.

Yep the grand 'ole technicolor yawn! He heaved. Blew chunks. Burped up Breakfast.

Fortunately wife.imp's neice is still with us. So give boy.imp the once over, hand him a pedialite popsickle and hit the road.

and promptly pushed this little incident out of my mind. I was late.

Yes, I can hear the collective groans. 'But Dennis, he was sick. How could you leave?'

Do not worry dear readers, the cosmos did not let me off so easily. Right before lunch I pulled into a gas station/convenience store to--well the details are not important but I was looking for the local "WC" (water closet). And in the Ladies Lou somebody was just as sick as b.imp had been earlier in the a.m.

How could I tell? Because the sound effects were very definitive. In fact, I could swear she had been miked and was using a state of the art sound system. She was using digital, dolby sound! With an amp or two. 'Course on my way out she would have appear and she would have to be wearing a uniform proclaiming her to be an employee of this particular establishment and she also wanted to stay at work.

I left my water and gum on the counter and left. For some odd reason, I was not really all that hungry.

Joke Email

My uncle is a great one for sending 'joke' emails. However, since I grew up in (what my biology teacher termed as) hillbilly country, here is the latest:

Sex Test for Rednecks:
(circle T for true and F for false) (as if it was not obvious)

A Mestrual cycle has three wheels. T or F
Asphalt describes rectal problems. T or F
A G-String is part of a fiddle. T or F
Semen is a term used for sailors. T or F
Testicles are found on an octopus. T or F
A Pubic Hair is a wild rabbit. T or F
Masturbate is used to catch large fish. T or F
Fetus is a character on Gunsmoke. T or F
An Umbilical Cord is part of a parachute. T or F
A Condom is a large apartment complex. T or F
An Orgasm is the person who accompianies a choir T or F
A Diaphram is a geometric drawing. T or F

ahhhhh, Spring

Yes, Spring! When a young man's fancy turns to power tools. Because his wife spent all winter stuck in a house and making precise notes on what is wrong, needs replaced/fixed/refurbished...

So I was home today after taking the car down to the dealership because of a recall notice we received. You know the typical recall: Seatbelt latch malfunctions, Steering wheel assembly might fall apart, gas pedal gets stuck...

My recall: Anti-lock brakes might malfunction.

ooooookaaaaaay! Yep. It was an early morning appointment. Problem with early morning appointments is that they eventually have to end. This means that along with the 'To Do' list that is staring me in the face, I got to see my yard during daylight hours. So I pulled out the mower and hacked and thrashed my way from Hillbilly Haven to sterile, green, urban beauty.

'Course we still have a neighbor with dandilions approx 8" tall (suckers!!). I know they have grass under the the weeds somewhere. But what can you do about people like that??

LOL :)

There's nothing like a young hot babe that makes a man want to part with his money

Yes, you are reading this right. Even I am not immune when a hottie really works at stroking my -- ego.

We were in Pittsburgh over the weekend and since we arrived late we decided to kill time by shopping at the mall (Robinson's Center) which is both near our hotel and Ikea. While at the mall, I heeded a call of nature and was in the midst of wondering which store wife.imp and boy.imp disappeared into when SHE approached me.

The concept is pretty simple, as a leading question in a loud voice and plant yourself directly in the sap's customer's path. It did not hurt that she was cute and that I had spotted her kiosk earlier and was vaguely interested in the product titles. "blah blah blah from the Dead Sea"

This meant that they were full of salt. This meant they were body care items (lotions/scrubs) and something that wife.imp might be interested in. So with the hottie pulling on my arm, dragging me toward the kiosk, I thought, 'what the hell? I might as well take one for the team...'

In the end I did purchase a nice scrub (there was this fingernail polisher thing, which left a very high shine with minimal effort but it seemed to have too many sides and quite honestly if clippers don't get the job done then my teeth will -- Kids ignore that last remark. never use your teeth to trim your nails. Ok, you boys can.)

So this hottie kept up her patter a mile-a-minute and during this time she learned I was married with children. She still flirted (because I had yet to offer to buy anything) and told me she was jewish, from Isreal, needed a boyfriend--possibly also wanted a boyfriend--but needed one for the relatives back in the homeland. If you are Jewish or if you happen to be from a small Island Republic in SE Asia, you will truly understand the 'need a boyfriend' vs. 'want a boyfriend' mentality.

Anyway, I managed to get a discount. I know. I know. Could she truly be jewish and let me have a discount?

I asked her that very question. She laughed and wrote her name on my reciept. So, if any one is in Pittsburg and at the Robinson's Center mall complex be sure to stop in and see my newest, bestest friend, Einav (her hebrew name).

and ladies...Einav is verrrrry good at her job. Do not let your husbands near her kiosk by themselves.

You have been warned.