Friday, April 13, 2007

Therapeutic Shopping

Two words that should never go together in the English Language (like banana catsup, TomKat, Bennifer, Socialite Celebrities, Reality T.V., Florida Gators and National Champions...). These two words, Therapeutic Shopping, once spoken cause a chilled, spike of fear in the soul of any male within a 2 square-mile radius.

Therapeutic Shopping...Just hearing the words causes goosebumps in places where goosebumps have never been.

There are few other words or phrases that can cause such a viceral reaction. Words like, 'We'.

As in, 'We really need to do something about the kitchen...'
For those of you who do not own houses, this means that 'We' (wife.imp) have finally rubbed the last nerve raw with the current setup in said kitchen and have decided to remodel. Since the other 1/2 of the 'we' missed out on the opportunity of bringing said 'defects' to light HE gets to tear out the old cabinets, sinks, light fixtures and install new cabinets, sinks (and all associated plumbing) and light fixtures.

'We' are also remodeling a bathroom, the front yard, the laundry room and 'we' shall also be re-painting the house inside and out.

Another phrase the should warn men to clamp the muzzle over that offensive orifice is, '...I don't know. You pick.'

As in: You pick the parking space, but if it is outside the radius I am prepared to comfortly exert myself in walking from the car to the store...'
You pick the restaurant...we need not really go here (same with movies, t.v. programs and vaca locations).

So, when wife.imp came home bummed out from a week of unremitting work, weather, imps and achy feet, I offered to take her out.

I was thinking coffee and perhaps a movie...?

Wife.imp had other ideas. Jo-Ann's Fabrics was option 1. Crafts, Crafty Ideas and buckets of craft crap lined side by side with reams of fabric.

Testosterone not allowed.

But she forgot her measurements. Darn! The movie option was starting to breath with new life!!

Until Option 2 poked its head around the corner. Shoe shopping.

Guys notice the second word in this phrase: Shoe shopping. Seems simple. Sounds simple. The idea that comes to mind is go out, look at/for new shoes, buy them and leave.

Huh uhhhhhhhh! The actual idea is thus: Go out, look at new (not for, unless they meet some archaic color/style/price/moon phase scheme that only women know) shoes, repeat. Still not satisfied? Repeat again.

BUT wife.imp mentioned DSW. DSW sells shoes for men! While wife.imp was 'shopping', I could browse. Browsing is the same as shopping, except men can circle the room, hands in pockets and see every pair of shoes, count the stitches in the souls, read the little label thingies talking about how eco friendly the shoes are and repeat by the time the female shopper looks at 2 pair of shoes.

DSW also has a giant plasma t.v. locked into ESPN. So, I was not too put off by this option.

After entering and seperating (me running as fast and hard I as could for the corner of the store where the men's shoes were hidden) I found two pair that I might not mind having. I even circled the remainder of the men's stock and then went and told wife.imp I was thinking about picking up the two pair.

She was working through her 2nd aisle.

So I went back, rewalked the men's stock and tried on my ('cause I was buying them) shoes to make certain they fit then stood in line for 10 minutes to pay for them then went back to wife.imp who was finishing her first round through the store.

The store closed somewhere between her 2nd and 3rd rotation. However, I had mine so all was well!!

Therapeutic Shopping. I could learn to like this phrase!


Mommy de Gallo said...

How 'bout that, I'm going to JoAnn's today! Minus the Sarge, who would have spent the whole time doing the "Husband Hover" right over my shoulder.
Going to spend some of our tax return on "Crafty Ideas and buckets of craft crap." To add to my other crap.

Maria said...

I avoid anything with the word "craft" in it like the plague.

But, I am guilty of the "you pick the restaurant this time" line. I tend to say this and then am amazed that Bing will pick a buffet.

It is a well known fact that I detest buffets. I saw a child pick his nose once and then finger some rolls. I have never been able to eat at a buffet since unless I get the soup, which I figure is off limits to the booger fingered.

When I say, "You pick the restaurant this time", what I MEAN is "I'm in the mood for Mexican or maybe Ethiopian, but no Greek or buffet shit." How hard is THAT?

dennis said...

MdG: I hope you know that I spoke out of jealousy that my crafty-ness is sub-adequate and a monkey on drugs can produce better work 91/2 times out of 10.

maria: oooooooh! booger bread! YUCK!! Fortunately for me we both dislike buffets and we do both like Mexican!! :)

Mommy de Gallo said...

Oh yeah, my work room is called the "Crap Room" by Sarge. He complains, but I did make some nifty drapes yesterday.

dennis said...

maria: i do understand that crafts are good. wife.imp makes drapes and those things that hang off the bed from under the mattresses...Heck, I once even made a lanyard!